How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other?

[Forevermermaid]

Hi all, first time posting so be gentle!
Quick background - married to DH for 14 years, known each other for 20. Two DC’s aged 9 and 10.

Just under two weeks ago DH informed me he wasn’t sure he wanted ‘this’ anymore. We’ve been having some issues for a few months now and I knew things weren’t right for both of us. However I absolutely thought it was worth saving and that it was doable. Hearing those words still totally floored me.

Since then we’ve had several in depth talks and he’s confirmed that it’s absolutely over, no going back etc. Wants to be happy again - although I think he’s being quite naive of what his new life will look like, we aren’t 20 anymore! Talking about child arrangements and me buying him out so he can buy a house on his own nearby.

I’m trying to be so strong, to keep carrying on with a brave face. Only one close friend knows, decided not to tell anyone else for a while. Sometimes he’s kind, much of the time he is so distant. When he told me everything all stopped (touch etc) and it’s so so hard living with someone you love very much who won’t show you any affection and no longer loves you.

He doesn’t want to move until he can buy somewhere - refuses to rent and refuses any counselling etc. I don’t know how I can keep this facade going. I’ve had days of just laying in bed sobbing and sobbing. I’m trying so hard and I’m so tired - and the way forward seems so hard.

Can anyone offer any kind words of support and light at the end of this nightmare?

he has chosen to end your marriage so for me he should leave the family home. Stop being strong and start telling people it’s over and why. You need to talk to him about a deadline to move out. For your own sanity.

Hey @Forevermermaid ,so sorry to read your post. I was you a couple of years back and the pain is visceral. But you will get through this, no matter how unlikely that seems at the moment. There’ll be lots of wise posters on here with excellent advice-take your time and allow yourself time to grieve. It’s a terrible horribly shock and quite understandably you’re reeling from it all. But it does get better-honestly. And you’ll look back and see that maybe things weren’t all great, and then little by little, you’ll pick yourself up and move forward. Be kind to yourself and keep posting on here x

He wants, he wants, he wants. Find your inner anger. Tell him to get out and leave his keys. You’ll talk divorce, buying him out etc when you’re ready and not before.

Thank you all.
I know I need to get angry now and there have been times, glimpses were I have been. But it’s just so raw, so painful. I want to be the strong women my DC’s deserve but I feel like I’m almost floored, immobile with it right now.

I just can’t see how the next few weeks and months will get any better. The hope has all gone, I know this is it. And despite such low self esteem (almost to the point of self loathing) I don’t think I could ever get past this if he did change his mind - I know deep down I deserve more. I just feel so sad that I wasn’t enough.

I’ve just read this message again before I post it - god, what a whiny pathetic mess I sound. Having such a pity party right now! 🙈

So he has checked out of your marriage but he still lives in the house? STOP. Stop doing anything for him. You are not at fault here and you deserve respect even if he does not love you he can respect you.

And stop crying - it makes you ugly.

He should leave if he doesnt want to be in the marriage. You do need to get tough and angry but you are still in shock i suspect anger will come. Its seems all about him.. you have to think about yourself. He isnt thinking about you is he?

I suspect there is a OW hate to say it but men generally leave for someone else. What I can tell you is that you will survive just as I did (I listened to gloria gaynor i will survive and aretha R-e-s-p-e-c-t . ). It is very scary but just focus on a day at a time. Also get some legal advice so you know where you stand financially.

There is probably a women on the scene.

You will be fine. 1000's of us have walked your path and have be fine.

Time to take the decision out.of his hands.

I’ve been where you are now and it’s heart breaking. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what you can to get through each day. Better times are ahead but just be patient with yourself.

Talk to family and friends, get support, ask him to move out as I’m sure seeing him all the time isn’t helping. And to a PP - crying does not make you ugly! It’s a normal reaction when you’re grieving the loss of the life you thought you had.

I can still remember how much pain I felt in those early days but I’m so much happier now. You will be too 💐

Tell him he can go stay at his girlfriend's, and you need to get yourself to a solicitor as soon as humanly possible.

He doesn’t want to move until he can buy somewhere - refuses to rent and refuses any counselling etc.

And you don’t want to live with someone who doesn’t love you and isn’t interested in saving the relationship.

So he needs to move out.

Keep things simple for now. He needs to move out. How and where are not your problem to solve. Everything else in time. For now you need breathing space, so tell him to leave.

I'm sorry but there's almost certainly another woman. Men don't randomly check out of relationships unless they've got a 'backup'.

With this in mind, you're better off without him. I know it's hard but you WILL be ok and as time goes on you'll probably realise that you're better off without him and that he's done you a favour.

When it feels too much, just remember that all you have to do is breathe in and breathe out. Project yourself a happy future life where you are independent and free to do what you want.

Just to add to what everyone else has said, you will survive and in time you will see that your life is better. He does probably have someone else, most men do and it's sounds awfully like The Script. Tell friends and family so you have support and they will then all know the truth if another woman does appear on the scene and if you haven't already done so stop doing anything for him whatsoever. No dinners, breakfast, washing cleaning etc. if you have a spare room him and all his clothes should be in it. You cook and clean for yourself and your dc only not him. If you haven't already done so and qualify then apply for universal credit as a sole parent as you are now separated. Do things at your speed and to your timescale not his, you are not there to facilitate his life any more. Finally, he is now responsible for 50% of the childcare so make sure you get time on your own at the weekends when he may well previously had his hobbies/leisure time at your expense. Sending hugs, it's shit but one day you will realise you no longer care.

Sympathies...

He needs to leave. He doesn’t get to end the marriage AND stay in the house, forcing you to live with him.

Find your anger. Know that there is very likely another woman, and he’s hiding his time to decide if/when he wants to live with her instead.

Make that decision for him and tell him to FUCK OFF

*biding his time

Thinking of you sounds like a OW is on the Scene. Just left my DH due to ridiculous changes in his behaviour and OW on the scene

Tell everyone. You need that support OP. He's pleasing himself. You also need to tell him to leave. He owes you some self respect at the very least.

Cry when you need to. Ignore the post saying it’s ugly. Ugly to who?

So sorry, he’s pulled the rug out and it’s an emotional shock. I agree with pp you need space without him there.

Everything you're feeling is normal. This isn't you being weak or pathetic, you aren't. He has turned your life upside down and you're going to feel disorientated, shocked, sad and confused. Lots of us have been there and I promise you it will get easier in time.

You've had some good advice. As soon as you feel able, I would prioritise:

1:Telling people close to you so they can support you. Don't try to rationalise or justify it - you want to make the marriage work but he doesn't. Ask for their help as you move on.

2:Being blunt with him that staying in the house after he has done this is acutely painful for you. Ask him to move out again, if not permanently at least for a few weeks so that you can come to terms with things.

3:Telling your children together. Reassure them it absolutely isn't their fault, mum and dad still love them, but dad has decided he doesn't want to be with mum any more. Emphasise this sometimes happens with grown-ups but not with parents and children so mum and dad aren't ever going to change towards them.

4:Trying to get some time for yourself to recover away from him. Can you split weekends so he spends one day with the kids and you spend the other? That gives you time to see friends or family, or see a counsellor, or do whatever is going to help you.

Take a deep breath, as often as you need, and keep telling yourself this will get better even when it feels impossible. It will get better.

I meant it kindly. That's what my hairdresser said to me when something awful had happened. She was right !

Thank you all so much for your replies, they really have helped.
I’ve tried talking to him again but complete stone walling me now, so cold and distant. I’m not perfect (who is) but for fucks sake, I do not deserve this! He’s taken all the power and seems to be punishing me in the cruellest way - yet this isn’t my decision and I don’t deserve punishment! Can you tell the anger has stated to arrive?!
Ive considered whether there is a OW, looked up The Script and concluded that all the signs are there - no confirmation as yet but suspect it will come in time. God it hurts like nothing else - why the hell wasn’t I good enough and how can he have fallen out of love so quickly?
Solictor appointment first thing on Monday and then to tell him that it is far too painful him staying here when he clearly despises me.
I can’t even describe how much this man has changed in such a short time. I hate him - yet I bloody love him so much too. Wanker.

The script is always eye opening. The way they get angry and blame you for everything is unbelievable and deeply shocking at the time. I guess it’s just a way of shifting their guilt and making them feel better about themselves. if you look back at my posts from 8 years ago you’ll see the same things happening!

I found it took a while for my heart to catch up with my head – I knew he was being vile and I deserved so much better but I still loved him and was hoping he’d go back to being who he used to be.

You are good enough - don’t ever let him make it about you, this is his issue. I know it can knock your confidence but please try not to let it!

You will get through this and be happier - I absolutely adored my ExH and he was a brilliant husband until he no longer wanted to be. I look at him now and wonder how I ever felt like that about him! It took time of course but you’ll eventually see him clearly for exactly what he is.
Best bit of advice I had - when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

I hope you can get him out of the house quickly, OP. Having him there being horrible must be the worst thing. Do get a solicitor who will ensure he pays you and DC everything you are entitled to.

Love and sympathy xx

If you own the property jointly, you cannot force the other person out
You can seperate & still live in it together until the divorce is finalised
You would need to stop doing anything for him
Talk about finances & childcare

Talk to family solicitor

Get all your finances in order

House is jointly owned and he’s adamant about getting his share of the equity before moving out.

Another day of being totally stone-walled. On the rare occasions he did speak to me it was so critical and just bloody cold. The thought of this continuing for months on ends makes me feel even worse than I already do.

Hoping the counselling session I have tomorrow after solicitors will be of some help - at the moment I feel so sad and so angry. Never ever thought we would be in this situation - seriously, it’s like there has been a complete personality transplant.