How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other?

[Forevermermaid]

Hi all, first time posting so be gentle!
Quick background - married to DH for 14 years, known each other for 20. Two DC’s aged 9 and 10.

Just under two weeks ago DH informed me he wasn’t sure he wanted ‘this’ anymore. We’ve been having some issues for a few months now and I knew things weren’t right for both of us. However I absolutely thought it was worth saving and that it was doable. Hearing those words still totally floored me.

Since then we’ve had several in depth talks and he’s confirmed that it’s absolutely over, no going back etc. Wants to be happy again - although I think he’s being quite naive of what his new life will look like, we aren’t 20 anymore! Talking about child arrangements and me buying him out so he can buy a house on his own nearby.

I’m trying to be so strong, to keep carrying on with a brave face. Only one close friend knows, decided not to tell anyone else for a while. Sometimes he’s kind, much of the time he is so distant. When he told me everything all stopped (touch etc) and it’s so so hard living with someone you love very much who won’t show you any affection and no longer loves you.

He doesn’t want to move until he can buy somewhere - refuses to rent and refuses any counselling etc. I don’t know how I can keep this facade going. I’ve had days of just laying in bed sobbing and sobbing. I’m trying so hard and I’m so tired - and the way forward seems so hard.

Can anyone offer any kind words of support and light at the end of this nightmare?

He can want and demand all he likes but the law is the law and a judge might have something to say about this. Obviously you want to avoid it getting to this stage so yes a good lawyer will lay out your options to go for especially with children. He's blustering at this point and trying to force your hand to do things before you get legal advice. He's being prick as they all are at this stage - it's all about them and THEIR happiness. He is getting his ideas inflated by some woman massaging his ego ( and dick) . He has to blame you for it all as he needs a reason as he is such a good person. Prick!

So sorry to hear your post - it resonated with me and prompted me to post.
Unfortunatley there are too many who have gone through this so you are not alone.
I too am in the similar position, late 30’s, a few weeks in and still in a massive state of shock/grief/limbo. Divorce proceedings sent, very quickly, personality change, massively suspect OW but can’t prove it. ‘The Script’. In the grand scheme it doesn’t really matter.

Some days for a few minutes I can forget it’s happened then it hits you like a wave again. All your memories of the past re-evaluated and expectations for the present and future are changed alongside the ever present anxiety of what’s to come. This is normal though.

Have been a longtime lurker here but read the sage advice about next steps and how to keep busy, but trust your judgement as only you know how. (see legal and divorce threads).
I don’t have children so can only imagine the dire position you’re in, but feel my chances of a family have been taken away so it is a different challenge.
Day by day is my only advice, you must tell people, eat fruit to keep you going, naps, and a glass of wine to relax.
Not much to go on but something I hope.
x Take care x

Some days for a few minutes I can forget it’s happened then it hits you like a wave again. All your memories of the past re-evaluated and expectations for the present and future are changed alongside the ever present anxiety of what’s to come. This is normal though.

This is exactly how I’m feeling right now, I couldn’t have summed it up any better @Maidastone I’m so sorry you are going through such a horrible nightmare too. As the poster before so fabulously put: absolute pricks!!

Ok, he has kicked you down at the moment, so self care as much as possible.

Think about telling family for support if close.

He's thinking of all the great things at the moment being single, he's not really thought things through. Do you work?

Stop doing anything house wise for him, yes get to solicitors as soon as, and try to find as much financial info as you can.

I hope his new life accomodates for him having the children 50/50 otherwise he has to pay. Can you find out about the ow because that can turn his cruelty into guilt whist he's on his way out.

Be brutal and don't believe his promises of looking after you financially, they lie, so get what you deserve.

Sending hugs, he's a twat for abandonning his family.

Thank you.
Yes, both work full time and I’m the higher earner. Depending on how much equity is the house I could just about afford to buy him but then again house prices have shot up so much I can’t be completely sure about that.
He said in one of his nicer moments (during the hell that has been the last two weeks) that he wouldn’t want me and the DC to have to leave here but he’s also adamant about getting 50% of the equity so he can buy his own place for his shiny new life. Which is the only time he’s actually ‘nice’ to me - talking about living on his own and being ‘happy’ again. (Just to be clear I’m not in any way wanting more than 50% or being Money focused in any way)

No evidence of OW and serval denials - so far. So, so many signs though 😔I’d be shocked if there wasn’t. And even if there isn’t now, I fully expect there to be one very soon. I guess it doesn’t matter in the end - he doesn’t love me and has checked out of our marriage. I really hope it won’t always feel this heartbreaking.

I just can’t see how the next few weeks and months will get any better. The hope has all gone, I know this is it. And despite such low self esteem (almost to the point of self loathing) I don’t think I could ever get past this if he did change his mind - I know deep down I deserve more. I just feel so sad that I wasn’t enough.

@Forevermermaid Thank you for your kind words. You’ve described me above perfectly. The sheer utter feeling of being dumped, blindsided, grief, foolish, completey played, strung along/hung out to dry, betrayed, anxious, lonely, time/love wasted (tick off as appropriate!) and still having feeings can be a complete mind f*ck.
I was given the good advice of trying to achieve short term, medium and longer term goals.
Tomorrow’s goals involve getting to Pop Master with a coffee, fully instructing my solicitor to respond to a confrontational letter and thinking of plans for the winter/next year. Hope you have yours.
Can only wish that you seek legal advice to help put in a plan with your children. Best wishes x

No it won't always feel as bad as this and you will go through stages of different emotions before you realise you have wasted time grieving over a relationship he has kicked to the kerb.
Just do not allow him to beat you down into submission and agreeing to anything because you are not thinking straight. Get good advice and think of your children and the future.
I wish I had known about MN when my husband was mentally beating me and if I had I would have been more savvy and not allowed him to take everything.
At the time I thought it was worth it just to get him out of our lives, but he took everything and left us poor for a long time

@Forevermermaid you are the higher earner, and you are housing the children. You deserve more than 50%. This man is no longer your friend. Stop treating him like one.

What an arse. Mine has just told me the same thing (3 weeks ago after 18 years together) but he said he was moving out and would carry on paying the mortgage and would stay at his dads.

he genuinely believed he was going to continue to pay the mortgage (obv not letting that happen) and wanting to make sure he minimised the disruption and damage.

my husband has behaved like a sick, but at least is making sure I am safe and have space…how yours can be so callous is disgraceful. He needs to get out and then you can start the divorce proceedings.

my bet is he has been reading American websites that tell him if he leaves the house it is abandonment and he loses his rights to it, which is not how it works in the uk.

please call your siblings and have them come round and rinse him. Or your best friends. Someone who can find the anger you can’t find yet, they’ll throw him out.

even if all they do is stand at the door with the keys ready lock it behind him while he collects all of his property that you’ve started to dump out of the window :)

sorry you are going through this. I would boot him out for you if I could.

Yes I’ve been through this- also uni boyfriend. I don’t agree with the chuck him out and be horrible comments. You have kids together. For me, I put my sadness and pain somewhere far down inside, I gathered up my dignity and my determination to do better for my kids and I held on to the love and shared co parenting bond we had. I told myself I would be his friend. Five years in, we are friends, the kids are happy and we both in relationships. I am so glad that I didn’t give in to bitterness and pain.

@Heatstrokeunsteady

What an unhelpful comment. If the OP's husband has ended the marriage then he should also accept that he doesn't get to benefit from the domesticity of the family home. No point in being toxically positive and 'holding onto love' if it is not being reciprocated in any way.