Suicide aftermath

[Lauren850]

Sorry if this is not the right place to post...just wanting to share a difficult situation. My mum died by suicide 2 weeks ago, she was 93 which many people seem to feel makes this 'normal' - they say things like 'if I live to that age I'll definitely end my life'. My feelings are complicated - these comments she me angry - and it's been incredibly hard coming to terms with what happened. I gave 2 daughters 19 and 21, both of whom struggle with their mental health including suicidal thoughts at times. Ive chosen to tell them that granny died peacefully in her sleep which is not entirely untrue. At the same time I feel there is a secret now and this adds to my difficulty as my daughters and I are very close. Today we heard there will be a full inquest - the police thought there wouldn't be - and I am feeling much worse...the thought of having to go over everything again and it being f a public matter now is just awful. Would really appreciate your thoughts please be kind, it's not a good situation.

OP I’m so sorry about you mum. Will the findings of the inquest be made public? Could you get a joint counselling session with your girls and perhaps have some support in explaining what happened to them?

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not a loss everyone can comprehend, thank goodness. I lost my mother ten years ago to suicide, she was 83.
I don't know what else to say to you, except re the inquest - the coroner who dealt with my mam's death was incredibly kind. I was given two options.
The inquest could be held publicly, but that ran the risk of there perhaps being a local journalist there, and the case being reported in the local newspaper.
Or, it could be held in private, behind closed doors, but no one including close family, could attend.
This was purely my choice, but l opted for the latter. Mainly because l didn't live in the town where my mam did, l live 100 miles away. But there were other family members who did (still do) and one in particular, who worked in a public facing role. I knew l wouldn't be subjected to questions, it was highly likely that they would, and l wanted to spare them that.
I imagine that by now, it has 'got out there' - l was asked by a couple of (not close) family if my mam had been ill, or if she'd had cancer, and l was extremely vague, just said she 'hadn't been well for a while'.
I really can't suggest about what you say to your daughters, the close family members who knew about my mam, knew before me, as they lived there.
I really hope you can ask about the inquest though, and if they'd be willing to do it privately, if that's what you'd want to do.
Again, my condolences. It's a very hard thing to lose someone at such an advanced age, never mind in these circumstances.
My thoughts and love are with you xxx

Feel like I really dont want my girls to know this - or at least not till their much older and more stable. I think I have to carry the secret? Out of love for them I think I can do it, just wish I didnr have to...

So very sorry OP - suicide is such a complex issue and I completely understand your wish to protect your daughters. There's no right way of grieving but there is support out there for "complicated" losses. Please reach out to them as you'll get support from people who've been through this, especially in addressing the issue with your daughters:

supportaftersuicide.org.uk/

No real advice but I couldn't scroll past this, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Grief caused from loss by suicide can be extremely complex and people can and do say the most bizarre things in an attempt to make you feel 'better'.

As I understand it coroners offices vary but I found the ones that covered my sons death were very open and helpful in understanding the process and what would be said publicly. They were happy to talk on the phone and I had a pre-inquest meeting with the assistant coroner.

SOBS (Survivors of Bereavement by suicide) as well as others have volunteer support groups all over the UK and may have useful advice.

It's your decision, l think, OP. You know your girls, none of us do.
Do what you need to do, for you and for your family. It's an incredibly hard thing to deal with, but you will.
I was fortunate in that respect, that l only had myself to consider. No children and no 'close' family. I still found it much harder than l could ever have anticipated.
But please ask for help, for yourself, for your girls, if and when you need it. This isn't something most people can manage on their own. xxx

So very sorry for your extremely traumatic loss.
Re your daughters, my grandmother died from suicide just after I was born. I was told the real cause in a really offhand way more than thirty years later. It would have been much better to learn this in childhood with the support of my parents. Just my experience

I’m sorry for your loss op. My ex partner died from suicide recently, he was 37. It’s such a difficult thing to understand and makes the grief process even more difficult, we have 2 children together and it’s been devastating for them. All the professionals I’ve spoken too advise complete honestly with children from the outset with age appropriate language of course, and I’ve followed that. This is not a secret you need to hide, I know it’s difficult though

First, may I send you a hug, OP. This must feel very raw, and you have barely had time to absorb the shock before having this inquest added to the burden.
As an outsider, I can only imagine the mixed emotions and distress you are feeling, but I wonder if it might help to try and look at this from different angles.

Firstly, from your mother’s point of view - this was her own choice, she was extremely elderly, and presumably was tired and had had enough of life. I am sure she didn’t want to hurt you or your DDs, but she had to do what was right for her. Try to understand and accept her choice, painful though it is.

Secondly, your DDs. You have tried to be kind in glossing over the death as natural causes, and you have done this from the best of motives, to protect their mental health. However, if it comes out at the inquest that it was in fact suicide, your DDs may feel hurt that you lied to them. At that point, I think you would need to be completely honest with them, and explain that you tried to shield them out of love and concern, and that you are scared of losing them too. This might actually allow a clearing of the air, and let you all grow closer as you support each other - not a bad outcome.

Last, but definitely not least, there is you. You are grieving your mother, trying to shelter your DDs, facing a load of funeral arrangements, an inquest, and trying to juggle everyone else’s needs. Who is supporting you? You need someone to be your shoulder to cry on. Do you have a good DH or close friend, who you can vent to?
Your parish minister or vicar is trained in bereavement counselling, and could be a great comfort to you. You do not need to be a regular church attender, they will help anyone resident in their parish.
Prioritise your own needs, OP. Rather like “fit your own oxygen mask before helping others”, as they say on plane safety briefings. Be gentle with yourself, and just let yourself have as much time as it takes to come to terms with all this. You will be emotionally unstable, tired and fraught, and you must make allowance for yourself. Do the absolute minimum of chores or work, and accept any help that is offered.
You and your DDs will come through this, but it will take longer than you might think, and grieving is hard emotional work.

May I end on a positive note. You obviously loved your mother, or you would not be so upset at losing her. Nobody can take those memories away from you. There is a memorial carved in stone beside the Water of Leith in Edinburgh, that reads “Grief is not forever. But love is.”
Hold that thought, OP. God bless.

However hard it will be, I do think you need to be honest about the circumstances. Remember That doesn't mean you have to give them all the details, but hiding things (even with the best intentions) often leads to a lack of trust and fear of what else may be hidden.

I am sorry for your loss.

Sorry to divert op but I didn’t know that and I live in Edinburgh near leith, where about exactly is it? Might be nice to wonder past it with my boys

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and for people trying to invalidate what happened. You may be able to hide the truth until you feel your daughters are ready but that could prolong their grief. It's best they know the truth now, from you than from a slip up

OP you are between a rock and a hard place and have my full sympathy. I had your problem and decided not to tell my DC. Very hard, heartbreaking at times, but seemed to be the right decision. THEN a few years later an older relative spilled the beans and it was a shock and I was accused of lying and my explanation of trying to protect at a very vulnerable time was not accepted. Guess you need to make sure no one else will tell them before you judge the time right.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. My grandfather died by suicide when I was a teen. To be honest I took it very badly, it was really hard to come to terms with as a teen with some mental health difficulties. It played around in my head for a long, long time in an awful way.

I don't know how I would feel of my parents had hid it from me and told me as an adult. I've grown into a pretty pragmatic adult and I think I would understand their reasons for not telling me being a parent of teens myself, one with mental health issues. That's me though, I can't speak for how your daughter's would react.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. This must be such a stress.

My only comment is that a friend's DS died recently, and due to his age, she asked for the inquest to be held privately so it wasn't reported in the local press.

Can you talk to the Coroners office and ask if this is an option in this case?

Very sorry for your loss OP, you are having to make a very difficult decision.

You obviously know best how you feel your daughters would cope with the complete truth and also what kind of relationship they had with their grandmother. From my own experience, suicide has a very clear domino effect. Thoe who have suffered a bereavement by suicide are far more likely to then go on and take their own life than those that haven't.

I have experienced 4 suicides amongst people close to me in the last 4 years. Three of those suicides were connected... and the death of the first person played a big part in the deaths of the second and third.

The fourth suicide had a big impact on a very close family member who had mental health issues. They became actively suicidal themselves for a short time afterwards. They said to me it felt as though suicide had become a reality because it was someone they knew... it was almost as though it made it a viable option for them.

I know it is a huge burden you will bear if you don't tell them. But if it was me... I wouldn't. And as you say, I would hope to tell them at an appropriate time in the future when their mental health is hopefully far more secure.

I send you very best wishes

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Regarding the inquest , you can call the Coroner’s Office and speak with the Coroner about your concerns. They cannot stop reporters attending any inquest but could place your mother’s inquest where they feel it will attract least attention. You may not have to attend to give evidence, you might be able to give a written statement. I’ve had to be involved in a couple of inquests where I intervened with the Coroner at relatives request and each time found the Coroner to be extremely kind, respectful and helpful.

Thank you so much everyone, your kind words and thoughtfulness are such a comfort...I'm so sorry to hear that many of you have also been affected by suicide.
Pebble21 your post literally names the thing I'm most afraid of - the potential domino effect. I'm so sorry this has happened in your world and for your losses. Your story makes me more certain I should keep quiet...my daughters and also my niece could feel suicide is somehow more accessible if they knew. My brother (niece's dad) feels the same I think.

So sorry for your loss. Also astounded that anyone would be tactless enough to say 'well at that age...' but I guess it's meant well.

If you think your daughters are fragile, I think you are entitled to keep the secret. I'd think carefully about how you justify this to them though, if/when they find out. And can you really keep the inquest findings from them?

One of my daughters has had suicidal thoughts and it is SO hard, trying to be there but not hover too much, show understanding but not encourage the negativity.... I wish you the best

So sorry for your loss. It’s very hard when someone chooses to end their life. I think you need to be totally transparent with your children. They may surprise you with how they process it.
My DF was 66 when he died, he had a degenerative disease that rapidly overwhelmed him and became locked in very rapidly. Unfortunately he was otherwise very healthy so it looked like he would go on for years unable to move or communicate. So when we were told he had refused food and drink we knew he had made the decision he no longer wanted to live. He couldn’t take his life any other way. There was no way back for him and life was insufferable. It took nearly 3 weeks, he was in agony, the medical staff were reluctant to give him adequate pain killers and was not nice to watch. It would have been so much easier if he had been able to take his life quickly and painlessly and while he still had dignity. I say that as a daughter who was very close to her father and never disagreed or had bad words. He was an amazing dad but the nights that I prayed for him to have a massive heart attack were many.
I know this may be uncomfortable to read but sometimes we focus on our own pain of loss rather than the pain of the one who dies/ takes their life. Your mum had her own reasons to take her own life you may never understand why.
A close friend of mine lost her DH to suicide. Unfortunately in all the mess she hadn’t really talked to her Ds about the cause, her older DS wanted the full details so she felt she had no alternative to be confused completely honest. Her DD was less interested so it seemed. Twelve months later someone commented to her DD about her DF’s suicide, it became apparent that in all the mess the DD had not realised that her DF had committed suicide, so twelve months on she had to reprocess the whole event and needed a lot of counselling. Not just for the bereavement but as a result of her fear of close family keeping secrets.
At some time in the future the truth will surface and you will have to deal with it. Your daughters are adults and protecting them now may come back and kick you in the teeth.

Sorry Ds should read DD and I don’t know where the confused came from.

Sorry for your loss. How incontrovertible was the suicide on the spectrum from ambiguous (overdose that could be explained by confusion) to a suicide note? Is there wiggle room to not tell explicit lies to your DC?

I'm sorry for your loss. The emotions must feel so complicated.

I would be honest with your daughters. Whilst it's hard to deal with, they are likely to find out at some point, and then it will be even harder because they will have to come to terms with secrecy within the family and years of not knowing the truth.

Oh how absolutely dreadful.

Whatever the age, suicide is a tragedy.