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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

45 replies

MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 14:28

So next week mil is receiving an award from Tupperware, the event is in another town 4 hrs away. Her car has some problem so she is unable to use it. Yesterday DH asked me if I could use my late Dad's car to work (as I use our car daily to drop my DS off at daycare and get to work) so his parents could use our car next week to the event. I was fuming (silently) and did not answer.
A few days prior, sil from the same town where the event is taking place messaged me telling me that she is having a little 2nd birthday party for her DD and would like us to come and bring her parents, she understands that fuel is expensive so she will deposit money to cover fuel costs. Now thing is, she only offered to pay for fuel because she wants her parents there and we are just the ride alongs.
DH has another sister here who could borrow them her vehicle. And knowing DH he would pay for their fuel to get there while he cries to me that he's forever broke 🙄

What do I do or say without making seem like I don't want them using our car (also if they go, they stay a few days at sil place so they will be using the car for a few days) and without it turning into a fight.

OP posts:
PortalooSunset · 14/07/2022 14:39

Have i got this right? You don't want them to use your car, but you need to tell them that in a way that doesn't let them know you don't want them to use your car so you're not the bad guy?!

Fabpinky · 14/07/2022 14:46

I don’t really see what the issue is in letting them borrow your car if you have another to use. Or why can’t they use your dads?

Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 14:46

@PortalooSunset yes. Well i need to tell DH that without it turning into a fight.
It's not 'just' about the car. It's also that he makes plans with them (which do affect me) without my knowledge. This is a norm. Like in this case, they probably discussed it and I only found out when DH found a 'solution' for me to a problem I didn't know I had. (Using my dads car so they can use ours)

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 14:49

@Fabpinky my dad passed and his car is not 100%. No one really uses it.
I don't have a spare vehicle to use if i did i would gladly give them the car to use. But now DH is making alternative plans for 'me' without me even knowing what's the plans.

OP posts:
NippyWoowoo · 14/07/2022 14:59

A non issue.

Bazinga007 · 14/07/2022 14:59

Why doesn't she get her car fixed? Seems the logical solution, otherwise this will be the first of many requests.

Schooldil3ma · 14/07/2022 15:07

On the face of it YABU, you have another car you can use but don't want to.
Fuming silently generally doesn't work as communication technique by the way 😂

Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 15:13

@Bazinga007 they cannot diagnose the problem with her car.

Exactly what I'm afraid of! And as I've mentioned DH always complains that all his money goes for our mortgage and car payments so he's always broke, yet when it comes to his family he pulls out money without a flinch.

Earlier this year a family friend passed away in the town 4hrs away, although we would have liked to attend the funeral we both knew we did not budget for the trip and did not plan on going. The next day his mum called him and asked if we would take them to the funeral and they will cover the fuel cost. We agreed, when we got to the gas station DH refused the money from his mum and paid for the entire trip himself.
I understand that he loves is family and would like to do things for them so would I with mine (if we were in the position to do so) , but the fact that he forever complains that he has no money when it comes to me or the kids (if we plan on an outing I have to fund the entire thing) but can spontaneously fork out money for his family annoys me. Am I being a b!tch?? Maybe I need to hear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 15:17

@Schooldil3ma I hear you, but they have a DD here as well who's car they could also use. And it seems like it's becoming a norm now. Also as I've mentioned DH funds their trips , when will it end?

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2022 15:27

How mean you won't help out family.

Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 15:34

@ZeroFuchsGiven if you read my other post you would've noticed that I had mentioned 'I do not have a spare car to use or give to them to use' the suggestion of using my Dads car is stupid as the car is not 100% and for me being someone who knows nothing about a car aside from getting in and driving would be in a total strap if faced with car trouble with my baby inside or on my way to work.
Oh and also they are dh family not mine. and no I did NOT marry them when I married him. Yes, I am mean 😈

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/07/2022 15:39

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Original poster
MummyTo2Monsters · 14/07/2022 15:44

@ZeroFuchsGiven thank you for the perspective, maybe I truly need to hear that to help me understand what to do. I do not want to be mean or come across as such hence me asking advise on how to handle this without causing any drama. Thank you

OP posts:
takeitandleaveit · 14/07/2022 16:21

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Did you not read the bit where the OP says her DH makes plans with his family behind her back, and only tells her once it is all arranged, even when it causes the OP inconvenience?

velvetvixen · 14/07/2022 16:30

but the fact that he forever complains that he has no money when it comes to me or the kids (if we plan on an outing I have to fund the entire thing) but can spontaneously fork out money for his family annoys me. Am I being a b!tch?? Maybe I need to hear it.

No, HE is being the bitch! Your kids are your JOINT responsibility - you shouldn't have to pay for outings by yourself.

His priorities are skewed - to your detriment.

maddy68 · 14/07/2022 16:33

You think your husband can't make any decisions without your permission?

You sound a treat

Let them borrow the car you are being ridiculous

Azandme · 14/07/2022 16:39

Wow.

Just...wow.

I can't stand my inlaws, and even I wouldn't have a problem with this!

MIL is getting an award - not a regular thing, so I'd lend the car.

DNs birthday - SIL is covering the fuel by transferring money. This is costing nothing and your dh gets to see his family (apparently they aren't yours 🙄) so I'd be happy with this.

You do have access to a car, you're just being a bit wet about it.

All in all you do appear mean.

MarshaMelrose · 14/07/2022 16:44

Obviously he will have discussed the car problem with his parents. Despite what you'd think from reading MN, some of us do talk to our parents. She's getting an award so that's a big thing for her. And your husbands sister invited you and paid the petrol. Clearly a bit of a cow.

I think you're getting yourself into a downward spiral and looking at everything like his family are out to get you. Take a step back and reassess how you can make things work rather than how everyone is against you.

drlel · 14/07/2022 16:49

And as I've mentioned DH always complains that all his money goes

So your DH pays for the car the he wants his mum to borrow and on a separate occasion be given a lift in to an event you'd presumably be going to anyway (and the petrol is being paid for!)??

PortalooSunset · 14/07/2022 18:17

So. You don't have an in laws problem you have a dh problem. I agree he needs to discuss with you before making plans on your behalf. I also agree he should have accepted the fuel money when offered (but understand why he didn't).
For this particular situation I'd offer mil the use of your dad's car, she gets a vehicle and you still have yours for ferrying you and baby around.

Cherrysoup · 14/07/2022 19:26

What will happen if you just dig in your heels and say no?

altmember · 15/07/2022 01:59

Earlier this year a family friend passed away in the town 4hrs away, although we would have liked to attend the funeral we both knew we did not budget for the trip and did not plan on going. The next day his mum called him and asked if we would take them to the funeral and they will cover the fuel cost. We agreed, when we got to the gas station DH refused the money from his mum and paid for the entire trip himself.

WTF - you weren't going to go to someone's funeral because you hadn't budgeted on the travel expense? Who the hell budgets for that?? Do you sit down together at the start of the year and work out odds for everyone you know dying, and then estimate how many funerals you'll need to budget for over the next 12 months?

FrancescaContini · 15/07/2022 02:04

I love the Tupperware detail 😆

Monty27 · 15/07/2022 03:01

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Did you actually rth?
OP you and your child should be put first. Their transport issues aren't yours.
Do.not.budge.
I actually don't think I'd take his attitude to you very well. Are you and your DS always at the bottom of the pile?

Biscuitandacuppa · 15/07/2022 03:09

Sell your dads car, end of issue.