Page 3 | ‘The decent men won’t want you now’

tolerable · 15/07/2022 01:54

dc is one and life s full on
deal with that then...
"decent " is subject to interpretation. find a decent jump-if thats your issue

FrancescaContini · 15/07/2022 01:58

What kind of people do you work or hang around with who say these things? I’ve never heard anyone say this. Anyway, it’s old-fashioned nonsense.

Bunty55 · 15/07/2022 02:01

I would be interested to know the criteria for being a decent man. I am sure we all have differing opinions on this one

KohlaParasaurus · 15/07/2022 03:23

Nah. I know that me having children made some men hesitate, but that's OK, taking someone else's children into consideration when looking at your future isn't for everyone. But as a previous poster said, there are lots of decent men for whom it's not a problem and who may also already have children. Don't assume you'll be single till your child is an adult, and don't settle for someone who isn't decent.

Bellyups · 15/07/2022 03:28

That’s a load of twaddle op.

SpidersAreShitheads · 15/07/2022 03:50

I fell pregnant accidentally when I was 34 - with twins. Split from ex, he refused all contact and has never seen them. DC are nearly 13 now and I've been with a wonderful man for 12 years. As it turned out it was someone I already knew, and had just never considered romantically (friend's brother).

As far as he's concerned, the DC are his own, and they consider him to be daddy (and that's what they call him). They're aware they have a biological father elsewhere but they have no interest in him. DP is daddy to them - they're both autistic, and are very black and white with their thinking.

DP is kind, funny and is the first person where I've ever been truly able to be myself fully. I wasn't expecting to find someone but boom! It just happened out of the blue.

I believe absolutely in the whole "what's meant for you won't pass by you". There are absolutely lovely men out there - it really is a matter of keeping your eyes fully open and a healthy dose of good luck!

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 15/07/2022 05:32

I don't think you're destined to be alone forever but at the same time in your situation I'd prioritise building up a really good group of platonic friends and a support network, because I honestly think that will add more to your life, both practically and emotionally. I do think the default of nuclear family at expense of other potential structures has done a number on women. Encourages too much compromise.

oobeedoobee · 15/07/2022 06:55

OP I was in the same boat, divorced at 35 with 2 kids (one with special needs) and simply couldn't imagine anyone ever being

In love with me and wanting marriage etc

2. Being willing to take on 2 kids wholeheartedly.

Yet at 39, I met him. Been married 16yrs now, and totally happy. Both kids grown, one working and youngest in 3rd year of uni this year.

I actually found him online dating, but I was so sure that no-one would ever want me plus 2 kids, that I was really blunt with anyone I dated, saying 'You'll never meet my kids and I'll never live with another man again, so it's just casual dating I want'. That lasted a year or so, then things progressed, and we were married a few months later.

You never know what the future has in store for you, so meantime just enjoy yourself. Make your/your kids needs first priority, and if you meet a guy, make sure you're upfront about what it is that YOU want. If they are the right guy, time will tell...but never stop having fun, because being single again has SO much to offer !

xfan · 15/07/2022 07:24

There's plenty of men who'd consider you, after they've worked out that a single, childless woman doesn't want them. So they are taking what they can. Sadly there is a hierarchy. Why would anyone name their life unnecessarily complicated when they can choose via the parameters on an app to avoid more complications complexities.

xfan · 15/07/2022 07:25

*make

Edwardoo · 15/07/2022 07:27

Bunty55 · 15/07/2022 02:01

I would be interested to know the criteria for being a decent man. I am sure we all have differing opinions on this one

Absolutely this.
The positive stories may be comforting to read but some people's definition of what a good relationship is or what a decent man is vary wildly. I'm going to need botox from how much I raise my eyebrows reading some of the posts in relationships and what they consider a normal set up and a 'nice' partner.

Marineboy67 · 15/07/2022 07:45

It does and can happen, my daughters 34, two children 8 & 5, half way through an ecology degree and she's met a lovely guy. He's a computer design engineer and earns a fantastic wage, really kind and respectful around the grandchildren, comes from a good family and they are really happy, share a lot of common interests. So yes never say never.

SmallThingsEverywhere · 15/07/2022 08:12

xfan · 15/07/2022 07:24

There's plenty of men who'd consider you, after they've worked out that a single, childless woman doesn't want them. So they are taking what they can. Sadly there is a hierarchy. Why would anyone name their life unnecessarily complicated when they can choose via the parameters on an app to avoid more complications complexities.

Lol at this bullshit. Hierarchy? Maybe some men wouldn’t want to date women with children, but single mums wouldn’t want to date those men either, so that isn’t a problem.

AchatAVendre · 15/07/2022 08:19

HippoJpe · 14/07/2022 13:04

I’ve heard the ‘decent men won’t want you now’ line very often too. Not only directly to me but overheard and general chat at work etc about someone else with DC.

I just can’t imagine it happening with someone new. DC is one and life is full on. Can’t imagine anyone wanting me for me or wanting to take on DC as well.

I’m 36 and feel a bit like im stuck now.

any nice stories of meeting a good one, solvent, loving, loves DC too? I can’t imagine it at all.

Rather depressingly, most of my friends from a hobby group at university have ended up with anything but decent men, despite all being childless, well educated and young. Most of them met cheaters, the workshy, one ex was convicted of domestic violence, another warned against stalking a completely different woman, a third was sacked from his job for propositioning his boss's wife, you get the drift.

Alternatively, I have other friends either with or without children, who met very decent, solvent men second time around. My ex's family are loaded, and both he and his father married women with children second time around. I get the impression that a lot of men don't actually like independent women all that much unless they are independent themselves.

PinkButtercups · 15/07/2022 08:23

Another way to shame single mothers isn't it?

There are plenty of decent men but you have to be in the right mind frame to meet them. If you feel like this then chances are you put up and go with someone who is not worthy of you because you believe that's all you're worth.

Fairyliz · 15/07/2022 08:29

The problem is I think it’s a bit of a numbers game; for every 100 lovely women there are probably 20 decent men. So it doesn’t mean that you won’t meet one, just that the odds aren’t wonderful.
I have a lovely daughter 27, who has a decent job and is very attractive/well groomed and no children. You would think she is a great ‘catch’ but both her and her friends in similar situations are struggling to find a decent man.

BetterFuture1985 · 15/07/2022 09:08

bigspoonlittlespoon · 15/07/2022 00:31

Ugh I'd worry more about whether you want any of the men out there. Single mums are fucking amazing and a prize for anyone smart enough to realise it. Running a household and raising small people single handedly, trust me, is more than most men could manage.

Forget about the patriarchal bullshit people are feeding you and be happy on your own.

Sexist rubbish. In my case - and the case of a lot of my male friends - what actually happens is that when child 1 comes along, the man finds themselves earning more. Woman insists on becoming a SAHM or working part time and gets a lot more practice at child rearing in the early years. Then, rather than appreciate they have become more experienced because someone else is funding that lifestyle, they become bitter and resentful about their role and start picking at every little difference (not fault) that their husband or partner - who have been denied the same amount of time with their children in the early years - makes when they are looking after the children.

Now that I'm divorced I'm fairly confident that I do a damn sight better than my Candy Crush addicted wife who used to have a meltdown every time she had to take the children swimming or on a picnic. And I don't have to deal with her patronising nit picking (like having a tantrum including throwing items when I gave the children tea at 5:30 instead of 5) anymore.

AchatAVendre · 15/07/2022 09:21

BetterFuture1985 · 15/07/2022 09:08

Sexist rubbish. In my case - and the case of a lot of my male friends - what actually happens is that when child 1 comes along, the man finds themselves earning more. Woman insists on becoming a SAHM or working part time and gets a lot more practice at child rearing in the early years. Then, rather than appreciate they have become more experienced because someone else is funding that lifestyle, they become bitter and resentful about their role and start picking at every little difference (not fault) that their husband or partner - who have been denied the same amount of time with their children in the early years - makes when they are looking after the children.

Now that I'm divorced I'm fairly confident that I do a damn sight better than my Candy Crush addicted wife who used to have a meltdown every time she had to take the children swimming or on a picnic. And I don't have to deal with her patronising nit picking (like having a tantrum including throwing items when I gave the children tea at 5:30 instead of 5) anymore.

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I should think she feels the same. A man who refers to the mother of his children in such a demeaning way as if she is a recalcitrant child is best left on his own. Seriously, "tantrum", "meltdown", "addicted", "funding that lifestyle".

Maybe if you were more attractive to a wider range of women, you would have managed to attract one of the many, many professional women who continue in their high earning careers while being mothers. Because you are giving the distinct impression that anyone with any options would avoid you. I couldn't listen to that sort of talk for 5 minutes.

BetterFuture1985 · 15/07/2022 10:36

AchatAVendre · 15/07/2022 09:21

I should think she feels the same. A man who refers to the mother of his children in such a demeaning way as if she is a recalcitrant child is best left on his own. Seriously, "tantrum", "meltdown", "addicted", "funding that lifestyle".

Maybe if you were more attractive to a wider range of women, you would have managed to attract one of the many, many professional women who continue in their high earning careers while being mothers. Because you are giving the distinct impression that anyone with any options would avoid you. I couldn't listen to that sort of talk for 5 minutes.

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What would you call a grown adult throwing chairs and saying they hate the children because tea's been served at the wrong time then, if "tantrum" and "meltdown" are the wrong words? And do you think this kind of behaviour is appropriate?

whatislove123 · 15/07/2022 10:38

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 14/07/2022 13:05

My advice would be to focus on you and your child. Build a life for you. Make yourself ‘solvent’. Do they things that make you happy.

And don’t worry in the least about anyone ‘wanting’ you.

This!!

Iamclearlyamug · 15/07/2022 10:41

The decent ones are out there, you just have to filter very carefully.

I struggle because I don't find English men attractive so that narrows the pool a lot when I'm English living in England 😂😂 but I've got a lovely lovely man who loves my DD(10) and she basically worships the ground he walks on.

He has his faults (as we all do!) but I'm really happy and so is DD, which is all we really care about as mums 😊😊