‘The decent men won’t want you now’

[HippoJpe]

I’ve heard the ‘decent men won’t want you now’ line very often too. Not only directly to me but overheard and general chat at work etc about someone else with DC.

I just can’t imagine it happening with someone new. DC is one and life is full on. Can’t imagine anyone wanting me for me or wanting to take on DC as well.

I’m 36 and feel a bit like im stuck now.

any nice stories of meeting a good one, solvent, loving, loves DC too? I can’t imagine it at all.

Yes its possible. I met my husband when my son was 4 hes 9 now. My partner has told me he was a little hesitant at first regarding a relationship with me because of the fact I had a child he didnt have any. But now they love each other, I would say my son is closer to him than his own Dad. They have a friendship rather than a full on parent child relationship. But I see pride in my husband at sports day for my son and all the little things he does. Hes happy when my son is happy and I couldnt ask for a better relationship between them.

Such an assumption that you want a man, esp given the poor quality of most of them.

Our lovely neighbour who is now in her 60's found a georgeous man 12 years younger than her when she was bringing up her two young children (about 4 & 6 at the time) on her own. They are married and clearly very much in love over 20 years later.

What’s the definition of a decent man? I’ve seen enough to understand that even men who seem decent don’t always turn out to be.

You might find it's a matter of timing because of what a lot of the "decent men" are doing at this stage in their lives. I'll give you my perspective.

Like a lot of supposedly available men, I'm a man recently divorced with children and I think I probably would like to think I would fall into the "decent" bracket! I'm solvent, stable, I don't drink too much, I ended the marriage because of my ex-wife's multiple affairs rather than anything else and I'm not someone who cheats, controls or gets anything out of being nasty.

However, would a man like me want to date anyone right now? Not really would be my honest answer. My number 1 priority is establishing stability for my children and I would not be overly keen at the idea of bringing a step mother into their lives. Also, I would be particularly wary of anyone who earned less than me because I was quite badly treated - as a great many higher earners are - by the settlement in my divorce. What money I do have I need for my children and I wouldn't be on the look out for any extra dependents, especially not step children who my own children might not gel with but also not another adult who didn't earn at least close to what I do. Anyone I had a relationship with in the future would also have to accept that I would never take the financial risk of marriage or sharing ownership of a home with anyone else again because I can't afford the hit of losing 75% of it again!

It's unfortunate that it comes down to money but really it's about my children's futures and what could threaten that now. Putting them first means me putting relationships on hold for the time being.

I think it's the same as a Nice Guy. This is an example of what I call the Posh Spice Rule. If you have to say it, it isn't true. Good men don't feel the need to call themselves that. They just go about being good.

That's the patriarchy talking.

There are very few decent men out there anyway (and even the decent ones are held to far far lower standards than women are) Start worrying less about whether you are good enough for men and more about whether any men you meet are good enough for you.

There are very few decent men out there anyway

This is nonsense. Just because of your personal experience, and the bitter experience of others drawn to this sort of thread, you're not qualified to make generalised statements. Hang around a pub all your life, you'll think people are mostly drinkers. Hang around the dating apps, you'll think they're all superficial and insincere. Hang around a chess club, you'll think they're all clever and quiet.

When people start to take responsibility for themselves, rather than blaming the state of the world/men/economy/whatever, they start to see that you have to look in the right places if you want something.

op, there are decent men out there. after my long dreadful marriage ended last year, i did old and it was dreadful, was about to give up and met my current bf. 9months in, hes met my 4 kids (2 teens and young adults) and gets on well with them and accepts them. its been very easy and no drama. but i did have counselling which helped me strenghten my boundaries.

I was a good chunk older than you when i met my DH, who is mainly lovely. Met him OD, after 2 yrs of weeding out the idiots before meeting them. He was the only one I met. Have faith.

Yes you can meet a decent man! Just ignore the doom mongers. I was a single mum of 2, although they were older than yours. Now married to a more than decent man, who ticks all the conventional boxes(tall, darkish, handsome and financially comfortable) but is funny, smart and generous as well.
I wasn’t actually looking for someone to settle down with at the time, so maybe was more carefree while I was dating?
My advice, FWIW is make sure that first of all you’re happy in yourself, for example you can support yourself and have good friends or family around you.

What an awful thing to say!?!
Anyway? Yes in my experience there are a lot of "decent" men out there. I know of a few who were treat appalling in their marriages who would cut their right arm off to find the right woman with kids or not. I left my EXH at 38. Stayed single with my two kids for a few years and strengthened my boundaries. Met my DP at 43. He adores my kids and me. He's more than decent. He's an absolute catch. Don't write yourself off OP x

One of my SiLs was divorced with two young DC. She met and married a thoroughly decent chap, who was also divorced with two DS, and they had a further child together, who is now at uni. SIL and new chap are in their 60s now, and still v happy together. So it is definitely possible, OP!

My BIL is a really really decent man. Good job, educated, just a really kind man and no male model but handsome enough.

He met a woman with two young kids a few years ago and just totally embraced the whole family. He is a great step dad and adores the children, he didn't have any of his own and is really happy with the way everything worked out. He is now married and they have a great relationship.

There aren't loads of these men out there, but the exist. Don't give up.

I have a young child. And I think about a man - my husband. Why should it be any different for someone who has ended up single? Or is my need for companionship justified because he is my husband? We're all human who have the same basic needs. I can't imagine having a hard day with a baby or toddler and not having someone to relax with/moan to at the end of the evening. It would be completely relentless otherwise.

OP, there are plenty of men out there that won't care that you have a child. Maybe look for a man who also has a child. I feel for you. A PP was right when they said it's only non decent people who think that way.

I'd say it's more that when you have children the pool of men willing to date you will dramatically reduce. Therefore the changes of a good one will be far less.

Plus by the time most have kids the good ones are often married to other people

I don't think I agree with that definition of decent. Though I think most decent men would probably think twice about getting involved with anybody with children simply because decent people put thought into things that they do and want to avoid causing any harm or upset, which is something that can happen if a relationship doesn't work out and would be several people rather than just one. That doesn't mean that he would automatically rule you out, though.

I'm your age and single but no kids (yet, hopefully) so probably looking at the same pool of men online.

My circumstances mean I can't really consider anyone with children, so I don't date anyone who has them. However, there look to be loads of nice single dads looking for relationships. A lot of guys also say in their bios 'I have no kids but don't mind if you do'.

I don't think anyone saying that kind of thing to you has your best interests at heart, or if they do, they're expressing it terribly so please ignore them. Dating and finding the right person is not easy but that is the same for everyone, not just those with kids.

Hah, that’s one I’ve not heard yet as a single mum- though my answer would probably be “who gives a shit”.

If a man doesn’t want to date you because you have a kid, then he’s not the man for you anyway.

Load of mysoginistic bullcrap really isn't
it. Im sure by say, 45ish, most ppl without kids will still have dated someone that had them at some point or other. I mean, there's relatively few single people about that are childfeee by then so surely at least one of the two of you is likely to have them.

Also, what about when you get to 50 and the kids have grown up and left the nest? Is life not relevant then? Of course it is. So when they say that's it 'all over' to women in the thirties, what they are really saying is 'the next decade or so is all that matters'. Which again, is daft.

People meet people at 35 and break up at 40 and meet people at 50 and break up at 65. Why are the relationships at 35 any more important than the others? Especially if you already have kids.

I've neve head anyone in person say it of or to a woman but if I did, I'd tell them to go take a flying fuck of themselves.

Why would anyone take on someone else's children (like their own)? Unless the children are legally adopted, if the relationship broke down and they're under 18, he wouldn't have any say in their upbringing or communication going forward.

Exactly this! Build a great life yourself x

Misogynistic twaddle!!

Ugh I'd worry more about whether you want any of the men out there. Single mums are fucking amazing and a prize for anyone smart enough to realise it. Running a household and raising small people single handedly, trust me, is more than most men could manage.

Forget about the patriarchal bullshit people are feeding you and be happy on your own.

Whoever is making those comments are liars.