Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH acting like a fourteen year old over sex

62 replies

Hotandtiredtoday · 13/07/2022 20:03

In most respects, DH really is thoroughly decent, he is kind, thoughtful, generous. But over sex he acts like a silly kid and I find it so off putting.

He grabs at my breasts. He follows me around and if I try to get changed he wolf whistles or makes stupid noises. We are meant to be TTC and it’s making him worse than ever.

Does anyone else have this? I’m really getting fed up of it tbh.

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 07:59

I think some of the above comments are a bit unfair given that we don't know whether the OP has broached this with her DH at all, before she came here.

Ok 'grabbing my breasts' doesn't sound great without a good deal more context, but personally I don't think a guy messing around wolf-whistling his naked Wife, who presumably he finds sexy, in private makes him some kind of pest or predator UNLESS he's been clearly asked not to do it and ignored that request.

As I said in a previous post my DH can to a degree be silly like this (peeping his head round the door with an 'Ooooh' if he's passing when I'm changing, patting my bum, kissing a boob before he gets out of bed in the morning, making silly suggestive comments) but it doesn't bother me as it's not all day long and he's just demonstrating to me that he fancies me. We're silly, jokey people generally. If ever I ask him to stop something, either permanently or just in that moment, he does immediately.

OP are you coming back to tell us if you've spoken to him?

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 08:13

I think some of the above comments are a bit unfair given that we don't know whether the OP has broached this with her DH at all, before she came here.

Unfair? He is a grown man for goodness sake. He shouldn't have to be told to stop groping his wife, stop being an apologist.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 08:17

@parenthood1989 I'm not being an apologist, I'm just of the opinion that my Husband sneaking a grope in private because he fancies me isn't the fucking sex crime of the century! Sometimes I even grope him too ShockHmm

It's only an issue if it's unwelcome, and the DH in question can't know it's unwelcome if he's never been told!

DarkCharlotte · 14/07/2022 08:18

Unfair? He is a grown man for goodness sake. He shouldn't have to be told to stop groping his wife, stop being an apologist.

He might not know she doesn't like it? This sort of behaviour is perfectly fine for some couples in relationships. I do it to male DP too, and vice versa, without either of us feeling sexually assaulted. It's bout boundaries, and we don't know if OP had communicated hers to him.

That's why she should tell him she doesn't like it. If he gets in a huff, reacts badly, or continues to do so afterwards, then she has a massive problem.

If he stops and never does it again, there is no problem.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/07/2022 08:19

Mine is a bit like this but I find it funny 🤷🏼‍♀️
have you talked to him about it?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/07/2022 08:20

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 08:13

I think some of the above comments are a bit unfair given that we don't know whether the OP has broached this with her DH at all, before she came here.

Unfair? He is a grown man for goodness sake. He shouldn't have to be told to stop groping his wife, stop being an apologist.

Some people enjoy being groped within a loving healthy relationship 😁
it's a problem if she's communicated (verbally or non verbally) that she doesn't like it and he carries on.

liveforsummer · 14/07/2022 08:31

I imagine her reaction alone is enough to show she doesn't like it?!

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 08:32

Some people enjoy being groped within a loving healthy relationship 😁
it's a problem if she's communicated (verbally or non verbally) that she doesn't like it and he carries on.

No, it's a problem if HE doesn't not communicate whether it's ok.

What you are suggesting is it is fine to do whatever you want to someone if they haven't said no. Have a think about that.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 08:40

If my Husband approached and politely asked permission before squeezing my bum each and every time, I'm almost certain my fanny would quickly seal itself up.

We're in a loving sexual relationship, he does not need express permission to touch me (but he does listen when I ask him not to).

Rainbowbaby13 · 14/07/2022 08:45

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 08:40

If my Husband approached and politely asked permission before squeezing my bum each and every time, I'm almost certain my fanny would quickly seal itself up.

We're in a loving sexual relationship, he does not need express permission to touch me (but he does listen when I ask him not to).

😂😂 I agree with this 👏🏻👏🏻

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 08:49

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 08:40

If my Husband approached and politely asked permission before squeezing my bum each and every time, I'm almost certain my fanny would quickly seal itself up.

We're in a loving sexual relationship, he does not need express permission to touch me (but he does listen when I ask him not to).

Wait though, asking if it ok, making sure OP is ok with that kind of contact doesn't need to happen every time. Some people, like you, enjoy it. Others don't. Before embarking on gropey behaviour within a relationship of course he should be finding out if it's ok. OP doesn't like it. You do. I would hate to be groped. I guess your husband was lucky that you didn't mind, but if he did that to other women in quite sure many of them would mind.

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 09:05

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2022 00:00

Your husband is a pig. I continue to be amazed that men like him still exist. For fuck's sake, don't have this pig's baby. How can you possibly inflict this man on an innocent child?

He may well be under the impression that she likes it, in which case he's not a pig at all, just someone who has different ideas to OP regarding physical contact within their relationship.

If OP has expressed clearly to him that she doesn't like it, and he carries on, then yes, he is a pig indeed.

wellhelloitsme · 14/07/2022 09:24

But over sex he acts like a silly kid and I find it so off putting. He grabs at my breasts. He follows me around and if I try to get changed he wolf whistles or makes stupid noises.

People saying "well I don't mind when my partner does that" seem to be missing that while they respond positively by laughing or doing the same thing, OP presumably isn't pretending to enjoy it therefore her partner should be capable of realising it's something she's not a fan of.

I asked upthread if she's ever told him outright to stop as I appreciate that would be ideal and also mean that he's explicitly going against her wishes if he continues. But even if she hasn't, her reactions are probably very telling so he can't be an especially respectful partner to keep doing stuff she doesn't seem to like.

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 09:32

OP presumably isn't pretending to enjoy it

her reactions are probably very telling

Presumably/probably.

@Hotandtiredtoday

It's very hard to give advice on this when we don't know how you're responding to him. Are you coming back to tell us?

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 09:38

It's so worrying the amount of posters who are laying the responsibility of this man's actions on OP. This is about consent as much as any other form of sexual contact. He needs to make sure it is ok, that OP is happy with it, that's done by verbal communication not by a grab of her left tit then see how she reacts Sad

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 09:56

@parenthood1989 I really do understand what you're saying, but the OP has married this man and is TTC a child with him.

IF she has never raised any concern or objection to his use of physical contact until this point I really think he can be forgiven for not realising she doesn't like or appreciate it.

IF she has raised it, and he hasn't paid attention, then there is obviously a big problem and TTC is the very last thing they should be doing.

Without more input from the OP, none of us know either way no matter how many assumption we make about how she responds. Perhaps in the early hey-day of dating she enjoyed it and encouraged it and now she doesn't; that's absolutely fine, but requires communication.

TooHotToTangoToo · 14/07/2022 09:58

My fanny slammed shut just reading your op

Watchkeys · 14/07/2022 10:18

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 09:38

It's so worrying the amount of posters who are laying the responsibility of this man's actions on OP. This is about consent as much as any other form of sexual contact. He needs to make sure it is ok, that OP is happy with it, that's done by verbal communication not by a grab of her left tit then see how she reacts Sad

We don't actually know, because OP hasn't told us. She may have been faking green lights all the way through their relationship, and I think that's what people are wondering. If that's the case, it's unfair to criticise him. My partner and I have never laid out in words what's ok and what's not; we just get each other. Unless she's been misleading me for the whole relationship, in which case it's her responsibility to tell me, rather than indicating that she's happy.

If OP's told him/shown him she's not happy, then yes, you're absolutely right, but it's not up to him to see something if she's hiding it from him. It's up to her not to hide.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/07/2022 10:26

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 09:38

It's so worrying the amount of posters who are laying the responsibility of this man's actions on OP. This is about consent as much as any other form of sexual contact. He needs to make sure it is ok, that OP is happy with it, that's done by verbal communication not by a grab of her left tit then see how she reacts Sad

But OP may not have ever said it's an issue, so how would he know? Unless it's a new behaviour in which case she can simple state she doesn't like it. Women can speak up for themselves if they don't like something.

billy1966 · 14/07/2022 10:34

OP, his behaviour is awful.

Have you explicitly told him not to do this?

If you have and he continues, he is sexually assaulting you.

He is a sex pest.

Stop TTC with him.

I strongly suggest you search for the many sex pest threads on MN.

Women constantly assaulted in their home with young children around, (which is sex abuse of a child), constantly pawed, their sleep interfered with, raped while asleep, coercively pressured to have sex despite having a new baby.

Horrific reading.

Kindly meant, but I suspect your standards are very low, because if they weren't, you wouldn't have allowed this to happen more than once.

Being pawed and constantly grabbed at is not part of a respectful, loving relationship.

You need to call Women's aid for advice and support.

Don't bring a child into a home with a sex pest.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 14/07/2022 10:38

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 08:40

If my Husband approached and politely asked permission before squeezing my bum each and every time, I'm almost certain my fanny would quickly seal itself up.

We're in a loving sexual relationship, he does not need express permission to touch me (but he does listen when I ask him not to).

We're like this, Dp probably gropes me more than I grope her. We're TTC sex is on the agenda for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and supper. Sounds to me like there's an informal barrier being raised and the op's TTC will fail at the first hurdle.
I'm always amazed why couples struggle over intimacy, surely each couple has their own intimacy dance that works for them.

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 10:42

But OP may not have ever said it's an issue, so how would he know?

My point was that this is not a reasonable excuse to grope someone. Ever.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/07/2022 10:57

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 10:42

But OP may not have ever said it's an issue, so how would he know?

My point was that this is not a reasonable excuse to grope someone. Ever.

It's touching someone you're in a loving relationship with. To you it's not on, to others, it is. So yes it can be acceptable depending on the person and their relationship. It's just not acceptable to you.

parenthood1989 · 14/07/2022 11:07

It's touching someone you're in a loving relationship with. To you it's not on, to others, it is. So yes it can be acceptable depending on the person and their relationship. It's just not acceptable to you.

You have missed my point completely. It wasn't about the difference in relationships. I am a fully competent adult with enough understanding of the world to realise different people like different things. My post very clear that a person not saying no does not make an action acceptable. You talk about loving relationships, the most important part of which is communication. That does not mean one party needs to communicate to the other something is not ok, it means he needs to establish whether or not groping is ok before he starts doing it.

QueSyrahSyrah · 14/07/2022 11:17

@parenthood1989 So we wind way back to the beginning of their relationship, and at some point the OP's DH is going to have touched her, outside of the context of sex. Should he have asked permission? Probably, but if they were already having an intimate / sexual relationship then I think consent for intimacy can in some circumstances be assumed. It would be odd, to me, to have sex with someone and then be offended / upset if he looked at my body while I was dressing, or squeezed my bum later in the day.

My point is that unless this is a recent change of heart by the OP, or a recent change in behaviour by her DH, after they were married is an odd time to communicate it for the first time and some of us can see why he may be unaware.

If this thread had been started by someone who after 3 dates liked the guy but not the way he acted towards her physically, then the responses would be much more black and white.

Unless the OP is planning to come back and expand, the rest of us could just go round in circles forever.