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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this sort of this just normal relationship moodiness or is it abusive?

47 replies

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 13:50

Not sure whether this is abusive or just generally shit behaviour.

DP gets drunk a lot in the week. I find it hard getting into bed and not being able to properly communicate with him.

He often questions me on things like where his credit card is, have I been on his laptop etc. When I was pregnant and we used condoms he accused me of tampering with them. I find the accusations quite hard to deal with and it ends up causing a row.

When I had covid when pregnant, he was v cold with me, every time I coughed he coughed to sort of take the piss out of me. It was really strange. I asked if he would get some food as I couldn’t face going out and he did, begrudgingly.

He goes into moods a lot. We can be in the car for an hour and he will just sigh, not talk. He is just a misery to be around despite how cheerful I try to be.

One weekend he’d got his haircut and I waited for him. We got in the car and he asked what I wanted to do next and I said it would be nice to go to the shops as I had no real summer clothes. He was totally miserable, made me feel terrible for suggesting it, cold atmosphere etc.

When I was in hospital I was a complete pathetic mess about the drip in my hand and he made it clear he thought so. Wouldn’t give me a hug or anything, just distant and off. I wasn’t sure why.

I had a buy to let in inheritance and needed help sorting it to sell. He complained from start to finish that he had taken up his day to do it one Saturday. I just feel like a burden to him, nothing is like a team?! Maybe I’m expecting too much though, not like it’s his house or his problem.

I react pretty badly to these things…I don’t take it lying down. For example I’ve sworn at him repeatedly and told him he’s a complete xxxx for doing x, y or z. I’ve lost my cool at times and said he’s being a shit partner and that I don’t deserve this. I am not perfect at all and the way I’ve responded to him at times has been out of order really, and it sort of masks how he’s being as my reactions outweigh what he does sometimes, I think. Maybe that’s why he ends up doing this things. Though maybe I’m being hard on myself, I just don’t know anymore.

he can be caring and loving but this behaviour has got worse and worse as time has gone on. Is it normal stuff? Is it abusive? Is it just a bit shit? Am I making a mountain out of things? I feel embarrassed to tell friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 13:50

sorry that should say when I fell pregnant he accused me of tampering with the condoms

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 13/07/2022 13:53

It sounds like a toxic relationship.
Thank goodness he isn’t a DH, as you need to leave. It’s not a good environment to bring up a child.

Floella22 · 13/07/2022 13:55

Your partner sounds horrible and controlling.
if you’re not married and have some inheritance then I would definitely not marry him and would probably ltb.
And whilst swearing at him isn’t good if he’s constantly pushing your buttons I can see why you do, I imagine you’re trying to get a reaction.
Leave him, his reaction will be priceless.

takeitandleaveit · 13/07/2022 13:58

No that is not normal relationship moodiness, his behaviour is disgusting.

Original poster

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 13:58

@Floella22 yes that’s exactly what I try to do. I just feel so amazed at how cruel he can be! I know it doesn’t justify me speaking to him like that but i try so so hard to be happy and cheerful around him and almost daily he does something hurtful out of the blue. I hate that I’ve let myself lose my cool though as it gives him reason to make me the rubbish one here.

OP posts:

LeavesOnTrees · 13/07/2022 13:58

You answered your own question in your post when you said he's being a shit partner.

Sounds like he's an alcoholic.

Fairislefandango · 13/07/2022 14:03

He sounds absolutely vile, and no, it doesn't sound at all like moodiness. It sounds like he is a nasty person who doesn't give a shit about you. How can you stay with someone who treats you this way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2022 14:13

What sort of relationship examples were you shown when you were growing up?. How is it that you and he are together at all now?. What are you getting out of this?.

You are in a relationship with an alcoholic who is in addition abusive. Wat you've also seen from him is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Some abusive men actually like women who supposedly stand up for themselves like you've done as it gives them an additional challenge to bring down. Such men too hate women and all of them. Abuse like described thrives on secrecy; time to bust this wide open now.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Pinkbonbon · 13/07/2022 14:16

I'd call him a pig but that would be am insult to pigs.

Op relationships are supposed to make your life better and happier. Otherwise there's no point to them. Not only does this guy not do this, he actively sucks the joy from your life.

Stop worrying about labeling it and tell yourself simply 'I deserve happiness'. Then dump this loser and go find it!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2022 14:16

And as for "normal relationship moodiness" there is no place for such in mutually healthy relationships and that makes me also wonder what sort of relationship examples you have seen. Moodiness is actually an example of emotional abuse.

Bananalanacake · 13/07/2022 14:17

Does he have any claim on your property, does he pay towards bills and food. You can call for help when you ask him to leave if you are worried he will kick off.

Original poster

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 15:04

I just feel me swearing and losing my temper at him cancels out what he does. I hate that it pushes me to that point.

I guess I wonder if being essentially a cold person towards me is actually abusive or is just being moody. I constantly feel like i don’t know why he’s annoyed or fed up. He buys everything and he’s not mean with money, he encourages me to see friends etc so it’s not typical abuse or anything.

I feel like I am just waiting for him to be nice sometimes. He convinced me he’s been great coming to the house that afternoon to paint a radiator… when I confided in friends they said it was the bare minimum their parters would have done. I just don’t like he cares that much.

when I was pregnant he casually told me one day that the thing he loved most in life was his job and nothing would ever come close. I don’t know if he knew how that came across to me but it was hurtful. Though maybe I’m sensitive!

OP posts:

Original poster

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 15:04

@Bananalanacake hes not physically or financially abusive at all

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 13/07/2022 15:09

I guess I wonder if being essentially a cold person towards me is actually abusive or is just being moody

Why do you wonder this? If it's abusive, you'll leave, right? And if he's continually moody, you'll leave? So, why does the label matter? Who gets to decide if a behaviour is acceptable to you or not? Is it purely down to whether it could be given the name 'abusive'? And you feel you should put up and shut up if he's merely being shitty?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2022 15:10

You can't possibly get rid of him fast enough. He is absolutely horrible. Don't raise your child around that man.

Mouldyfeet · 13/07/2022 15:11

Why are you with him? He’s a complete duck by the sounds of it.

don’t bring your child up with this abusive arse!

Pinkbonbon · 13/07/2022 15:13

Its common for abusers to push you to the edge so that you lose your shit. So that they can then make you out to be the one with issues.

Also, Just because you push back against abuse, doesn't mean it's no longer abuse.

It sounds like you are dating a typical covert narcissist op. Or something similar.

Life is too short. Get out before he consumes your soul.

Buythebag · 13/07/2022 15:14

Good grief - just get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Even the fact you are wondering if you're unreasonable for thinking he may be abusive is telling of how browbeaten you are and lacking in self esteem. I suspect he has slowly ground you down over the years (usually called a boiling frog on here).
He accused you of tampering with the condoms when you became pregnant? What a nasty arsehole - that alone would've spelt curtains for me. And the taking the piss coughing when you were ill? I've never heard of anything so nasty and juvenile - that would make my fanny permanently clamp up and it'd be game over for him!

Life is too short to put up with such nastiness from the one person who is supposed to love you and have your back.

Original poster

Handbagsuo · 13/07/2022 15:27

@Buythebag yeah I found it very offensive at the time, we were using condoms anyway!! The covid thing was weird too… I felt so hurt by it.

what I don’t get is that I am not a shrinking violet… I do stand up for myself but I have let myself down by snapping haven’t i

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 13/07/2022 15:32

Take a step back and think would you choose to spend time with this person if he wasn't already your partner?

I'm pretty sure the answer would be no. He sounds absolutely awful to be honest.

You snapping back is not the issue. The problems with your relationship are much more than that.

You need to sort out the best way to separate.

DrMorbius · 13/07/2022 15:35

If it's abusive, you'll leave, right? And if he's continually moody, you'll leave? So, why does the label matter?

^^This in spades.
Why on earth are you with this person? Why on earth did you have a child with this person? Where are your boundaries.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2022 15:40

"Standing up for yourself" is just what these types of abusers also like as it gives them an additional challenge to take down. And you are not pushing back against his abuses of you because you and he are still under the same roof. PinkBonbon's comments re your reaction to his provocations are spot on. He also deliberately engineered that whole situation so you would indeed snap.

You have not let yourself down; abuse can creep up on people and happens over time. However, you cannot and must not continue to raise your child in such a toxic and abusive environment. BTW does this child have his surname as well?.

Moodiness should not be at all accepted within the confines of a relationship either because that is abuse too. Abuse is not just physical or financial in nature and abuse anyway is about power and control. This individual wants absolute over you (and in turn your child) here and he's certainly ground you down to this low point.

Has he accused you of being too sensitive as well?.

CousinKrispy · 13/07/2022 15:52

Yes to what Pinkbonbon said.

Can you call up Women's Aid and speak with someone there?

This sounds horrible and toxic. It is ok to leave a relationship that is horrible and toxic. You don't need "permission" by putting the "abuse" label on that .... though if it helps you to use the label, you can. Someone can be abusive without doing every single one of the abusive things.

CousinKrispy · 13/07/2022 15:56

It's really a shame that the old pinned "listen up, everybody" thread is no longer in place. That helped build my confidence so much when I thought I was trapped in my marriage to miserable, moody XH. Realizing that it's ok to expect your partner to treat you with respect and consideration was massive for me.

FinallyHere · 13/07/2022 16:40

try so so hard to be happy and cheerful around him and almost daily he does something hurtful out of the blue.

It doesn't really matter why he acts like this, does it? The point of having a partner is that your life is better for having them in it.

That doesn't seem to be the case here.

Have you any idea why you think you need to be happy and cheerful around him when he appears to take pleasure in squashing or splatting you?

He is so far from being the ideal partner that I wonder what future you see together. Is this really how you want to live?

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