Is this sort of this just normal relationship moodiness or is it abusive?

[Handbagsuo]

Not sure whether this is abusive or just generally shit behaviour.

DP gets drunk a lot in the week. I find it hard getting into bed and not being able to properly communicate with him.

He often questions me on things like where his credit card is, have I been on his laptop etc. When I was pregnant and we used condoms he accused me of tampering with them. I find the accusations quite hard to deal with and it ends up causing a row.

When I had covid when pregnant, he was v cold with me, every time I coughed he coughed to sort of take the piss out of me. It was really strange. I asked if he would get some food as I couldn’t face going out and he did, begrudgingly.

He goes into moods a lot. We can be in the car for an hour and he will just sigh, not talk. He is just a misery to be around despite how cheerful I try to be.

One weekend he’d got his haircut and I waited for him. We got in the car and he asked what I wanted to do next and I said it would be nice to go to the shops as I had no real summer clothes. He was totally miserable, made me feel terrible for suggesting it, cold atmosphere etc.

When I was in hospital I was a complete pathetic mess about the drip in my hand and he made it clear he thought so. Wouldn’t give me a hug or anything, just distant and off. I wasn’t sure why.

I had a buy to let in inheritance and needed help sorting it to sell. He complained from start to finish that he had taken up his day to do it one Saturday. I just feel like a burden to him, nothing is like a team?! Maybe I’m expecting too much though, not like it’s his house or his problem.

I react pretty badly to these things…I don’t take it lying down. For example I’ve sworn at him repeatedly and told him he’s a complete xxxx for doing x, y or z. I’ve lost my cool at times and said he’s being a shit partner and that I don’t deserve this. I am not perfect at all and the way I’ve responded to him at times has been out of order really, and it sort of masks how he’s being as my reactions outweigh what he does sometimes, I think. Maybe that’s why he ends up doing this things. Though maybe I’m being hard on myself, I just don’t know anymore.

he can be caring and loving but this behaviour has got worse and worse as time has gone on. Is it normal stuff? Is it abusive? Is it just a bit shit? Am I making a mountain out of things? I feel embarrassed to tell friends.

The thing is though he could post a thread saying ‘my partner calls me a cunt etc and loser her temper with me even if I’m just being a bit distant’

for example…

and people would call me abusive and that’s why he thinks I am I guess. I’m just so exhausted of trying to be cheerful and positive and having it thrown back in my face. It’s hard.

But he has not posted, you have and you have done so because you know somehow this treatment of you at his hands is wrong. He's trained and otherwise you to accept crumbs of few and far between kindness from him. You have spaghetti head as a part of being abused.

How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Do you think that this is all you deserve from a relationship?.

I'm not surprised you call him a cunt. He sounds like one.

Just exhausted with it. I wanted to stay for DS really.

Two wrongs don't make a right. His horrible treatment of you is not cancelled by you lashing out.

And all the other stuff he does and says? There's only one option, really. You need to get out of this toxic relationship, because he is not going to stop being Mr Nasty and start being Mr Nice unless he wants to. And since it is clear that he appears to enjoy being Mr Nasty, then nothing will ever change. There's certainly nothing you can do to persuade him, so don't bother. The relationship is not worth saving.

people would call me abusive and that’s why he thinks I am I guess. I’m just so exhausted of trying to be cheerful and positive and having it thrown back in my face. It’s hard.

Sorry, I don't buy this.

He knows how to push your buttons and for whatever reason, is happy to do so.

What do you feel you have to keep cheerful. Time to find your anger at what a drag he is being in your life.

Time to cut loose.

OP You do know that abusers don’t just target shrinking violets, right? Many strong, tough, feisty women get into abusive relationships and think if they don’t “ put up with it” then it can’t be abusive..but it is! In a normal relationship you don’t HAVE to defend yourself.

Staying with this man for the sake of your son is a terrible idea. whose sake would you be staying for really, his or more likely your own because it’s somehow “easier”?. Your child is not the arbiter of your relationship and he should not be used as glue either to bind you and this man together. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

What do you think your son will learn about relationships if you were to stay with this man?. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women?. Your son could well go onto treat you with a similar level of contempt if he sees his dad do this with your apparent acceptance. Do not show your son that this abusive example is acceptable to you. This relationship example is no legacy to leave him.

It is really exhausting being in this situation. It grinds you down.

I know for me I really worried a lot about the impact on DD and I struggled with the decision, especially as XH was delighted to tell me how I would "ruin her life" if I made us split.

Guess what, several years on and she is thriving, I am thriving, XH isn't but that's because he's a miserable sod who keeps doing the same dysfunctional shit without trying to change it.

I can't tell you what's right for you. But I can definitely tell you that separating does NOT automatically make things worse for the children. It's hard on them, yes. But seeing their parents remain in an unhappy relationship is also harmful.

And, yeah, everything Attila just said.

Why oh why are you together? It doesn’t make sense. He doesn’t act like he wants to be with you and you get mad about it and I don’t blame you.

In my experience it doesn't sound like normal relationship moodiness. No one is perfect like you say, but his behaviour seems particularly nasty. I doubt he treats his friends or colleagues like that, and if he did, he wouldn't keep them.

I've been with my partner for 15 years and whilst we've had our ups and downs, I can wholeheartedly say he's never called me a rude name, never ignored me and has always been caring when I'm vulnerable (pregnant, ill, upset) etc.

It sounds like your OH just isn't very nice.

Life is too short. Find someone who knows how to treat people.

None of this type of thing occurs in a healthy relationship. Who triggered who, who called who a cunt, who was distant, whose fault it was... none of it matters. All of it denotes an unhealthy relationship. It's not about whose fault it is, it's about getting out of unhealthy circumstances, because you respect your feelings.

Please don't stay 'for DC'. It isn't good for children being brought up with an abusive parent. (Even if the abuse isn't direct at the children it affects them, without any doubt). Your DC need you to be the real you, not some shadow who runs around trying to please someone who makes sport of messing with your head. And they aren't seeing a good relationship being modelled. The best thing you can do for your children is leave him.

Sorry you're going through this. I feel like he doesn't care about your happiness. If he were my partner I would leave as I couldn't bear to think of dealing with this for the rest of my life.

You both have contempt for each other. It sounds like a toxic relationship. It's not going to improve, you and your child are better off out of it.

The thing is, if you accept his bullshit premise: that YOU are abusive

surely , the only sensible course of action would be for you to separate , so that he is not subject to the daily hell of your terrible abuse?

no?

thought not. He’s just yanking your chain. Tosser

Why would you want to raise to child in a dysfunctional home where his dad I a moaning faced dick and his mum keeps losing the plot at him?

Better two separated happy parents than two miserable together parents, who hate eachother and their lives.

Surely you don't want him to growup thinking this is what relationships should be.

If a relationship isn't healthy, you should leave. Even more so if you have kids. Lest they carry on the toxic cycle when they start to date.

How long were you together when you became pregnant OP? Sounds to me like fatherhood, parenthood and life long relationship ,was not on his agenda. You are both massively mis suited.

Did you both discuss pregnancy and the associated lifelong commitment that entails before you became pregnant? The whole tampering with condoms comment he made, makes me think he feels trapped and not party to the having a child decision.

I honestly think you should both just separate and co parent from your own households. The damage this unhealthy household will do to your shared child is immeasurable . He does not want this relationship, he does not want the responsibility of parenting. You will both never see eye to eye, you are not a match. you want different things.

Exactly. The thing to do when you find yourself in an abusive relationship is to leave, not to accuse your partner of being abusive. The former is being a responsible adult. The latter is being irresponsible and expecting someone else to take care of your wellbeing.

So, if you think he's abusive, you need to leave, rather than staying and calling him names. A relationship where two people are not happy and are both calling each other out is a relationship in which nobody is actually taking responsibility for themselves.

Is this the guy who is the doctor and who won’t move to OP’s hometown?

I wanted to stay for DS really.

Do you genuinely think that living under the same roof as this relationship and witnessing this dynamic is beneficial for your child?

That teaching him this is what a relationship looks like is doing anything other than setting him up for an adulthood of unhealthy, toxic relationships?