So Bizarre...

[Pixiedust1234]

I dont know what I want from this thread. A vent, abiu, clarity, support... no idea but I havent been able to get this out of my head.

Yesterday DH and I went to pick up a large item from Argos in my new (to me) car. We dont have a manual for it yet so do not understand some of the controls ie satnav, mykey stuff. I have repeatedly asked him not to fiddle with the controls until we know more. He decided to delete all settings in the trip meter (miles per gallon, etc) and I told him to stop. Major strop. He also put on the stop/start without telling me (and he still denies) but I had done a test drive that day. I had driven it from another city back to home (over 30 miles) but it decided to stop on a corner when I went to pick DD up from work that day. I couldnt understand why it kept repeatedly stalling at a junction since it had been perfect up to then. He still denies he pressed the button but it does have A on it so possibly he thought it was A(ircon). He does frequently bugger things up by not reading instructions.

Anyway, I put my window down and a minute later started leaving the drive. DH started fiddling with the aircon and I told him to leave it be. He said he was hot, so I replied open your window then. Well.... you would think I had kicked a puppy. He shouted at the top of his voice (my ears were ringing it was that loud), tore off his seatbelt where it hit the glass window with such force I thought it might crack, opened the door while the car was still moving, swiveled his body to leave the car and had one foot one inch off the ground.

Normally I would stop, and either shout back or try to explain (again) why I didnt want it. This time I carried on driving. If I had stopped then he would have got out and the preordered item not collected (I cant physically put it in the car). So we would have the same scenario today, or tomorrow or until it got collected, or it wouldnt get collected and we would have to try and get the money back (which he doesnt do). Anyway..... he shut the door, restrapped the seatbelt and sat in silence the whole way. He didnt touch the aircon, nor opened his window. He sat there getting hotter and hotter. Same on the way back.

I still cant get over him trying to get out of a moving car, while shouting at the top of his voice (I cant actually recall any of his words) just because I told him to open a window. Please help me make sense of it so I can let this go.

((btw dont hate me for no aircon in this weather, I have a lung condition where window open, no aircon actually helps me breathe, and it was cool enough anyway)).

He fiddles with controls on HER car but she’s not allowed to do the same with his car. He sulks when she tells him not to. He shouted so loudly it made her ears ring and went to get out of the moving car (obviously he was trying to force her to stop). In his temper he pulled the seatbelt off with such force that the buckle hit the window hard. And people are defending him and calling her controlling. What the hell! Do people think she should sit there smiling sweetly while he fucks up the settings as much as he pleases?
This is territory-marking behaviour from him. He’s reminding her that while she thinks it’s her property, she can only have as much control over it as he’ll allow her to have. He decides whether to reset the trip settings, put aircon on etc. Just as he controls those things in his own car. And if she tries to stop him he flies into a rage. What an arsehole.

OP said He has his own car which I cannot drive. I am not allowed to change or touch anything without asking, including changing a radio station.
So yes, controlling is spot on.

There are few things more annoying and guaranteed to make me lose my shit than someone else fiddling with my car's controls. Especially when I'm driving the thing at the time.

I wasn't prepared to kill him at all. By the time I had processed what was happening it was over and quiet although my ears were still ringing. He shouted at the top of his voice in a small space, inches away from my ear. No children were involved, nor do they know.

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But its all fine. Today he told me that my refusal to argue means he is right. He also declared that I shouldn't disagree at all because his memory is better. I now know where the original outburst has come from, and my world has stopped tilting. Thanks to everyone who said I wasn't going mad, I appreciate it.

Op you aren't wrong. My husband had done this several times when he didn't like what I was saying, including pulling the handbrake on whilst I was driving.

I told him if he ever tried anything like that again I would tell him to leave the marriage and the house and he never did.

As a consequence of his behaviour we found a counsellor to work things through. One thing that was identified was my dh is probably on the autistic spectrum. The reason he gave for trying to get out of the car was there were too many words and he was on overload so his first response is to flee. We sorted out our communication issues and are happy together. But we would not be together without the counselling, because it wasn't just trying to get out of the car, it was communication breakdown.

I suggest you find a good counsellor to work things through and take it from there. It is NOT normal behaviour to try to get out of a moving car and why he felt the need, needs to be dealt with.

Good luck.

No, it would have been misadventure . . .

I don’t think the aircon is the issue here.

How about both of you spending time, in the car, stationary and go through the manual together?

Or you tell him to fuck off and you sort it out on your own ?

If your window was already down, there was no point in switching on the air-con.

A car is a man's territory, and you telling him to not fiddle with things was treading on his toes. You are better off with operating something more suited to women like a vacuum cleaner or the washing up. Someone without a penis won't understand cars.

Your DH's behaviour was, if it is as you describe, abusive.