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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So Bizarre...

59 replies

Pixiedust1234 · 13/07/2022 13:04

I dont know what I want from this thread. A vent, abiu, clarity, support... no idea but I havent been able to get this out of my head.

Yesterday DH and I went to pick up a large item from Argos in my new (to me) car. We dont have a manual for it yet so do not understand some of the controls ie satnav, mykey stuff. I have repeatedly asked him not to fiddle with the controls until we know more. He decided to delete all settings in the trip meter (miles per gallon, etc) and I told him to stop. Major strop. He also put on the stop/start without telling me (and he still denies) but I had done a test drive that day. I had driven it from another city back to home (over 30 miles) but it decided to stop on a corner when I went to pick DD up from work that day. I couldnt understand why it kept repeatedly stalling at a junction since it had been perfect up to then. He still denies he pressed the button but it does have A on it so possibly he thought it was A(ircon). He does frequently bugger things up by not reading instructions.

Anyway, I put my window down and a minute later started leaving the drive. DH started fiddling with the aircon and I told him to leave it be. He said he was hot, so I replied open your window then. Well.... you would think I had kicked a puppy. He shouted at the top of his voice (my ears were ringing it was that loud), tore off his seatbelt where it hit the glass window with such force I thought it might crack, opened the door while the car was still moving, swiveled his body to leave the car and had one foot one inch off the ground.

Normally I would stop, and either shout back or try to explain (again) why I didnt want it. This time I carried on driving. If I had stopped then he would have got out and the preordered item not collected (I cant physically put it in the car). So we would have the same scenario today, or tomorrow or until it got collected, or it wouldnt get collected and we would have to try and get the money back (which he doesnt do). Anyway..... he shut the door, restrapped the seatbelt and sat in silence the whole way. He didnt touch the aircon, nor opened his window. He sat there getting hotter and hotter. Same on the way back.

I still cant get over him trying to get out of a moving car, while shouting at the top of his voice (I cant actually recall any of his words) just because I told him to open a window. Please help me make sense of it so I can let this go.

((btw dont hate me for no aircon in this weather, I have a lung condition where window open, no aircon actually helps me breathe, and it was cool enough anyway)).

OP posts:
Crankley · 13/07/2022 16:43

"btw dont hate me for no aircon in this weather, I have a lung condition where window open, no aircon actually helps me breathe"

Aprilx
Well he does sound awful, but then I wouldn’t appreciate being told no aircon in this heatwave either.

Which part of the above do you not understand?

Tessasanderson
The fact you shot him down on a hot day for using the AC seems pretty uncalled for too.

another one with comprehension problems.

OP - YANBU - tell him to grow up.

Ohthatsexciting · 13/07/2022 16:45

Your car

why didn’t you drive?

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 13/07/2022 16:47

He’s a first class arse….
I totally refused to drive my husband at all, for 17 years p, because of his ‘I know it all’ attitude and how he’s superior at everything.
I still avoid doing so as much as possible.

Ohthatsexciting · 13/07/2022 16:48

Apologies you were

Ohthatsexciting · 13/07/2022 16:48

How did he manage to delete the car data if he wasn’t in the driving seat?

B0ssAssB1tch · 13/07/2022 16:48

*opened the door while the car was still moving, swiveled his body to leave the car and had one foot one inch off the ground.

Normally I would stop, and either shout back or try to explain (again) why I didnt want it. This time I carried on driving*

You know if he had fallen or stepped out of the vehicle you could have killed him?

The only appropriate thing to do was to stop the car as soon as it was safe to do so. Absolutely bloody stupid to carry on driving.

The pair of you need to get your act together. Splitting up seems like a good idea.

KosherDill · 13/07/2022 16:51

picklemewalnuts · 13/07/2022 13:31

Gosh I hate it when someone fiddles with the controls while I'm driving.
1- it's really distracting
2- I want to set it up so the driver is comfortable. The driver can't shift their position as easily to get comfortable, move out of the sun, whatever. Driver needs the most focus, so gets to prioritise their comfort.

As for just messing with settings, really unhelpful. It's like he's marking his territory. Really annoying.

Exactly this.

Aircon is not necessary in a moving car with the windows down.

He sounds awful and I wouldn't let him in my vehicle again. Are you married to this guy?

Ohthatsexciting · 13/07/2022 16:52

Essentially op
you were happy to kill him

and he was happy to commit suicide

not a great marriage

Ohthatsexciting · 13/07/2022 16:53

Really hoping no children

or at least not present to witness this disturbing exchange

Aprilx · 13/07/2022 17:59

Crankley · 13/07/2022 16:43

"btw dont hate me for no aircon in this weather, I have a lung condition where window open, no aircon actually helps me breathe"

Aprilx
Well he does sound awful, but then I wouldn’t appreciate being told no aircon in this heatwave either.

Which part of the above do you not understand?

Tessasanderson
The fact you shot him down on a hot day for using the AC seems pretty uncalled for too.

another one with comprehension problems.

OP - YANBU - tell him to grow up.

I read some nonsense about air conditioning impacting a lunch condition, although I read between the lines and deduced that the Op is being controlling. I bet she manages in air conditioning elsewhere.

Aprilx · 13/07/2022 18:00

*lung

HollowTalk · 13/07/2022 18:01

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2022 13:19

You both sound a bit controlling if I'm honest. Sounds like he's sick of being told what to do.

In what way is she controlling?

ImpartialMongoose · 13/07/2022 18:41

It sounds as if he has no respect for your opinion and takes any requests from you as criticism. It is impossible to be with a man like this, his anger towards you will escalate, you will become fearful to make any requests have a different point of view to his and voice it. It's not a way to live your life.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 13/07/2022 19:11

You both sound far too tightly wound.

You were in a car you don't really know how to operate - annoying but only mildly

He was being unnecessarily annoying, but don't think what he did was outrageous.

You were being very unnecessarily controlling - again painful

His reaction was OTT, stupid & dangerous.

Your family to stop drive was even worse - safety alone should have been enough, doesn't matter of you are annoyed

He sulks.
You complain.

The road trip isn't the issue - you both have major communication issues, you have control issues, he has self control issues.

If neither of you can admit you could have handled the situation better, you've got big problems.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/07/2022 15:19

Aprilx · 13/07/2022 17:59

I read some nonsense about air conditioning impacting a lunch condition, although I read between the lines and deduced that the Op is being controlling. I bet she manages in air conditioning elsewhere.

Replying to this just for the hell of it. I have been to Pulmonary Rehab with several trained medical personnel at a large hospital. They have frequently stated to all who attend that some people require air flow (ie fans) and others do not, to help them breathe. It depends on the type of lung condition, and its severity, and what you are doing, and temperature. I have to use an inhaler daily. The only other place I am in a postion where there is aircon is in my husbands car. I cannot breathe properly in it and have to use the blue inhaler if its a drive of more than 20 minutes. Please let me know if you have more medical experience than they have.

To other pp, yes, he could have been killed. Normally I would have stopped and I dont know why I didnt, but for some reason I carried on driving. It wasn't a conscious decision as such, but I couldn't quite understand what I was seeing/hearing as it was so extreme and by the time I had processed what had happened he had shut the door and restrapped. This is probably why I posted as I have never reacted in this way before and I don't understand why I did (and also why he did what he did). There had been no argument or cross words prior to this, no upsets, nothing. It came out of the blue. I didnt shout at him to open the window, I spoke in my normal voice, and the whole incident took seconds.

However it appears that some posters are quite convinced that I am controlling and its my fault he nearly died because he opened the door. You are only confirming his opinion that I am always in the wrong so I probably was in this instance too. I actually thought that maybe I wasnt for a change but heyho.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/07/2022 15:25

What does he say if you say why can you fiddle with my car and I can’t with yours? Next time you touch a knob on my car I will change something in yours, unless you are able to convince me that your really are that much more important and special?

Smyler547 · 14/07/2022 15:32

To be fair, my car has stop start technology and it pleases itself when it uses it as I can drive miles and it doesn't kick in then it will do it once. So this may not have been your husbands fault OP.

But as others have said, sounds like he's a bit of a dick for carrying on lie this. I dont touch anything in my partners car and he's the same in mine.

YRGAM · 14/07/2022 16:15

The car and the Aircon aren't the problem. That kind of massive reaction over something trivial usually comes after feelings have been bottled up. Do you ever talk to each other about your feelings? Do you argue constructively, or does it end up in screaming matches and or pass agg?

I think you could both really do with some relationship counselling to help you communicate with each other.

Ohthatsexciting · 14/07/2022 17:20

Op - understand this

You were prepared to essentially kill your husband!

and you husband was prepared to kill himself!

You didn’t respond which doesn’t bode well but I truly hope no children are involved or at least weren’t in the car. I suspect there are and they were 😞

Ohthatsexciting · 14/07/2022 17:21

Oh and as well as being prepared to kill himself

he was also absolutely fine with you struggling to breath

what an absolute shit show

Ohthatsexciting · 14/07/2022 17:22

You are only confirming his opinion that I am always in the wrong so I probably was in this instance too. I actually thought that maybe I wasnt for a change but heyho.

who was in the right or wrong in this particular argument is irrelevant

this is a fundamentally very negative and loveless relationship by the sounds of it.

FictionalCharacter · 14/07/2022 17:24

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/07/2022 13:19

You both sound a bit controlling if I'm honest. Sounds like he's sick of being told what to do.

It’s her car! Why shouldn’t she tell him to stop fiddling about with her car?

drlel · 14/07/2022 17:26

YRGAM · 14/07/2022 16:15

The car and the Aircon aren't the problem. That kind of massive reaction over something trivial usually comes after feelings have been bottled up. Do you ever talk to each other about your feelings? Do you argue constructively, or does it end up in screaming matches and or pass agg?

I think you could both really do with some relationship counselling to help you communicate with each other.

Exactly this! Can't imagine being so worked up over who touched the controls in a new car in a loving and supportive relationship

Ohthatsexciting · 14/07/2022 17:30

I think you could both really do with some relationship counselling to help you communicate with each other.

I think it is long past that

daytriptovulcan · 14/07/2022 17:36

Could he be jealous of your new car? Does he own a car himself? He sounds very controlling.

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