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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cancelling holiday for Operation

37 replies

SophieAnn35 · 12/07/2022 23:44

Need some advice please

Am I really the bad guy here? Boyfriend broke his arm badly 6 months ago, it was hard work looking after him, snappy, would wake me up when he couldnt sleep, I was doing loads for him, it was a very testing time when I did snap back sometimes how mean he was. Badly needed something to look forward to so convinced him to book a holiday, he thought it was too expensive (350 for 3 nights in a caravan in wales) a few arguments later it was booked. We since found out he needs an operation on his broken arm, hospital have been terrible booking it with delays, but he wasn't great in chasing it up despite me reminding him. He's been on it today, they never added him to the list for an operation so they have squeezed him in the same day as we are meant to go on holiday. So I'm sitting with the kids, he comes in grinning saying he's got a date for the op, I said are you joking, he said no. I reminded him that's when we go on holiday, he said didn't realised and he's accepted it. I said did you even ask if there was another date, he said no and he's waited long enough for this date, he wouldn't even ask if it could be a week later. So I've had to cancel the only holiday we've booked in 3 years. Will loose out on the money as it was booked via Facebook, private booking.

I've not had a go at him but I am obviously upset and been really quiet and close to tears. I needed that holiday, work, kids, school run, him, pets a never ending cycle that I needed a break from. He keeps yelling at me how selfish I am. I've cancelled the holiday so am allowed to be upset that was the 1 thing I had to look forward to is gone. Kids are upset too. Tried booking a few days for just me and the kids week before his op, but he wants to come, but cant get time off work so close to his operation, so me and the kids shouldn't go. I cannot win.

We haven't been getting on since he broke his arm, he's so moody and snappy and yes sometimes I have a go back. He said tonight that I'm pathetic for being upset about 3 days in a caravan, I should just go with this kids as its not like I look after him properly after he broke his arm 6 months ago, he said he could feel the distain oozing from me and its probably right, trying to help someone wash themselves, or dress themselves and him constantly having ago at me isnt a great experience.

Had a rough day at work before all the operation stuff to be told from him , it's not like I have a real job, it's part-part time job (doubly part time as I work in a school) so upset and angry. I've cancelled it yet not allowed to be upset or to plan anything else or it will upset him. Absolutely heartbroken at wanting to do something nice for a change its been so long since we've done anything nice like that

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 12/07/2022 23:57

Go without him.

Sounds like you need a break from him as well as anything else.

blackgreywhite · 13/07/2022 00:36

Yep, go without him.

You can spend the drive trying to work out why you put up with his shit.

Carlycat · 13/07/2022 00:51

He sounds vile. Get some self respect and get rid

GreyCarpet · 13/07/2022 06:03

I don't understand why you cancelled. Why didn't you just say you'd go with the children?

He is being a utter dick but ypu are also martyring yourself somewhat. My son broke his arm when he was 17 and it didn't impact on me very much at all...

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 06:13

Why on earth did you cancel?

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 06:40

I cancelled because its a massive operation he would need me to take him to the hospital and look after him afterwards, it's a 3 week recovering, the holiday was the day of the operation

OP posts:
anybloodyname · 13/07/2022 06:48

Could you not have asked them to change the date ? Sell it in ? Or ...

Get a family member to take him to hospital , go with the kids , enjoy your break and collect him on way back ?
If such a big op - will he not be in a couple of nights ?

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 06:54

Are they your children or his as well?

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 06:55

It’s an arm op

he could get a taxi and look after himself

Seriously. A leg would be different but an arm? Nah.

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 06:57

In any event
thread is pointless
he has confirmed op date
you have cancelled holiday
would I have cancelled holiday and disappointed children over an operation on an arm? No. You did. Nothing to be done now

🤷‍♀️

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 06:59

Goodness - your son also broke his arm a few months ago according to another thread!

knittingaddict · 13/07/2022 06:59

Why on earth were you having to wash and dress a grown man? I broke my right wrist (dominant hand) a year or so ago and, apart for the first day, I managed to do personal care for myself. The only things I needed help with was household chores, but I'm willing to bet that you do most of those anyway.

I any case he sounds ungrateful for your care at the time. I've had to care for my husband during his cancer and various ops and he was never anything but nice about it.

knittingaddict · 13/07/2022 07:02

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 06:59

Goodness - your son also broke his arm a few months ago according to another thread!

Child broke arm. Partner broke LEG. Which is it op?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 07:04

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 06:40

I cancelled because its a massive operation he would need me to take him to the hospital and look after him afterwards, it's a 3 week recovering, the holiday was the day of the operation

I'm afraid I think you've fallen into the role of martyr here.

It's just a broken arm - he doesn't need you to be home looking after him and driving him about everywhere - that's something you've chosen to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

He could get a taxi to and from the hospital and look after himself for a few days. It won't kill him.

But it's done now so you just need to suck up the consequences of your decision.

GreyCarpet · 13/07/2022 07:06

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 06:40

I cancelled because its a massive operation he would need me to take him to the hospital and look after him afterwards, it's a 3 week recovering, the holiday was the day of the operation

A neighbour of mine broke her wrist badly a few years ago after slipping on ice. She also had an op. It was a nasty break. She's a single parent. Do you know what she did? Just got on with it.

You chose to cancel the holiday. You didn't have to.

katscamel · 13/07/2022 07:10

It does sound as if you need a break for your sanity if nothing else.
As for the op....unfortunately if he delays it, who knows when he'll be able to get things sorted ... We all know what waiting lists are like.

knittingaddict · 13/07/2022 07:11

A few months ago op had a partner with a broken leg and both children had broken arms. One of the children with the broken arm looked like they might need an operation. Partner is not the children's father. Partner with broken leg was being helpless then too.

No idea why the limb has changed and it obviously makes a difference to answers here.

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 07:18

Totally forgotten I'd post previously, I was changing things slightly incase anyone we both knew read the thread

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 13/07/2022 07:18

I had surgery on my collar bone in which a bone graft taken from my hip and a metal plate and the bone graft was used to fix my collar bone. I had someone to come and collect me made sure I had what I needed at home and got on with it.

I didn’t need someone to pander to me for 3 weeks- I was only off work for 2!

I don’t doubt he will be in pain but honestly there is nothing you can do to help that. I would not be running around for him as if he’s unable to look after himself!

knittingaddict · 13/07/2022 07:20

That's a bit silly because broken leg and op and broken arm and op are very different when debating things like holidays and needs. So it's a leg then?

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 07:21

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 07:18

Totally forgotten I'd post previously, I was changing things slightly incase anyone we both knew read the thread

It does kind of have an impact on opinion whether
it is your son with a broken arm / leg we are talking about
or your boyfriend with a broken arm / leg

are the children yours or also his?

knittingaddict · 13/07/2022 07:22

I'm confused now. Change things this time or last time? Arm or leg?

ProfessionalTeaDrinker · 13/07/2022 07:24

My husband broke his arm. He had the time off work it took to be told that in hospital. Was a bit miserable and grumpy when in pain. I had to deal with the bins. That was the impact. I mean, I hate the bins but still! Yes it made things more difficult for him. Yes I helped him as much as I could. He did not need any help with personal care!!!

pastaandpesto · 13/07/2022 07:38

Actually I think YABabitU.

Those comparing it to their own broken arms - not all breaks are the same. My DD had a nasty break and was in a great deal of pain for quite some time after. Even if she had have been an adult she would have needed a lot of help. The fact that he needs additional surgery (under GA?) with a three week recovery time indicates that this is a bad break. In that situation I would absolutely not expect by husband to leave me by myself, and I doubt the hospital would advise it.

It's crap that he didn't take the opportunity to check if another date would be readily available, but I think a needed operation trumps a holiday.

I think the issue is probably that he is shit in other ways and this is making you frustrated.

Wouldyoubehappy · 13/07/2022 07:40

Go on the holiday and break up with him as soon as you possibly can. He sounds like a right arsehole.

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