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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cancelling holiday for Operation

37 replies

SophieAnn35 · 12/07/2022 23:44

Need some advice please

Am I really the bad guy here? Boyfriend broke his arm badly 6 months ago, it was hard work looking after him, snappy, would wake me up when he couldnt sleep, I was doing loads for him, it was a very testing time when I did snap back sometimes how mean he was. Badly needed something to look forward to so convinced him to book a holiday, he thought it was too expensive (350 for 3 nights in a caravan in wales) a few arguments later it was booked. We since found out he needs an operation on his broken arm, hospital have been terrible booking it with delays, but he wasn't great in chasing it up despite me reminding him. He's been on it today, they never added him to the list for an operation so they have squeezed him in the same day as we are meant to go on holiday. So I'm sitting with the kids, he comes in grinning saying he's got a date for the op, I said are you joking, he said no. I reminded him that's when we go on holiday, he said didn't realised and he's accepted it. I said did you even ask if there was another date, he said no and he's waited long enough for this date, he wouldn't even ask if it could be a week later. So I've had to cancel the only holiday we've booked in 3 years. Will loose out on the money as it was booked via Facebook, private booking.

I've not had a go at him but I am obviously upset and been really quiet and close to tears. I needed that holiday, work, kids, school run, him, pets a never ending cycle that I needed a break from. He keeps yelling at me how selfish I am. I've cancelled the holiday so am allowed to be upset that was the 1 thing I had to look forward to is gone. Kids are upset too. Tried booking a few days for just me and the kids week before his op, but he wants to come, but cant get time off work so close to his operation, so me and the kids shouldn't go. I cannot win.

We haven't been getting on since he broke his arm, he's so moody and snappy and yes sometimes I have a go back. He said tonight that I'm pathetic for being upset about 3 days in a caravan, I should just go with this kids as its not like I look after him properly after he broke his arm 6 months ago, he said he could feel the distain oozing from me and its probably right, trying to help someone wash themselves, or dress themselves and him constantly having ago at me isnt a great experience.

Had a rough day at work before all the operation stuff to be told from him , it's not like I have a real job, it's part-part time job (doubly part time as I work in a school) so upset and angry. I've cancelled it yet not allowed to be upset or to plan anything else or it will upset him. Absolutely heartbroken at wanting to do something nice for a change its been so long since we've done anything nice like that

OP posts:
Keladrythesaviour · 13/07/2022 07:47

Do you have travel insurance? (Through a bank account maybe?) As you would be able to claim for the £350, though you'd have to check how much was eaten up by your excess.
In future never book something that isn't refundable, especially if money is tight!
I'd definitely book another trip without him. No reason you and the kids should suffer just because he doesn't know how to look after himself.

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2022 07:48

I don’t think it’s the op being a martyr so much as the boyfriend doing nothing and being an asshole. She says he woke her up at night- all those of you saying how you broke something and still looked after yourself, did you wake your partner up at night to complain about how you felt?

op, can you afford a couple of nights wiht the dc before his op? Tell him if he were less nasty you might want him to come on holiday but actually you don’t so you are going anyway. I think guilt will make you support him through his op but think seriously about the future.

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 07:53

It's leg, he was a nightmare last time, constantly asking me to do stuff for him, there was no respite, plus if I looked like I wasn't happy doing things he'd snap at me, woke me up at 6.30am once because he wanted a sock putting on other foot, he was cold!! So I am dreading it. It is a bad break that's healed incorrectly. He is saying I shouldn't of cancelled it now, after he knew I had done. He would manage. But think you're right, it's his whole behaviour in general. I've told him I'm not happy, I'm upset because I needed something to look forward to and he just keeps repeating he's done nothing wrong, needs the operation and how long am I going to be upset for? I think its the straw thats broke the camels back

OP posts:
Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 07:53

timeisnotaline · 13/07/2022 07:48

I don’t think it’s the op being a martyr so much as the boyfriend doing nothing and being an asshole. She says he woke her up at night- all those of you saying how you broke something and still looked after yourself, did you wake your partner up at night to complain about how you felt?

op, can you afford a couple of nights wiht the dc before his op? Tell him if he were less nasty you might want him to come on holiday but actually you don’t so you are going anyway. I think guilt will make you support him through his op but think seriously about the future.

My guilt would be directed towards my disappointed children

not my boyfriend

Bertieboo82 · 13/07/2022 07:54

Op

your children not his. Correct?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 13/07/2022 07:57

What a horrid man. I took care of my DP after major abdomen surgery - while I love him to pieces it's not easy looking after two adults basic needs! I got frustrated even without my partner being nasty to me.

Biscuitandacuppa · 13/07/2022 08:05

Oh dear, I smashed my ankle really badly in January. I had two operations and was no weight bearing for 2 months afterwards. I’m also a single parent. Guess what, I had to cope at home. The hospital gave me equipment so that I could manage at home and it was far from easy but I managed. Both of my arms however work just fine and I was quite capable of putting my own socks on!

Your DP just doesn’t sound very nice, he seems to view you as a lesser being and a servant to him! My advice would be to take a long hard look at your relationship, are you even happy with him? It might be time to take stock and think about what you want out of life and what kind of life you want for your kids (also consider camping because after the initial outlay it’s one of the cheapest holidays you can have over the summer).

I would be planning to end it if it was me, purely because of his nasty behaviour and the way he talks to you.

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 17:08

Thank you guys, before going to bed he said more nasty things, that I shouldn't of cancelled it, if he had to go by how i looked after him last time, he'd be better off looking after himself. I hit the roof, told him how mean that was, that he was a terrible patient wanting attention all the time. I told him to drop the attitude or he can leave. Because of what he said I got back intouch with holiday people first thing this morning and it hadn't been cancelled yet so me and my 2 kids are going on our own. He was rather shocked when I told him. He has since apologised and is being nice now. If he improves great if not I will consider ending it at a later date. Seems standing up to him more has had an effect on him for the time being. Thanks for all your advice

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 13/07/2022 17:10

Well done! And interesting to see the change in him... it won't last but you've stood up for yourself and your children and shown him you're no longer going to take his shit!

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 18:33

Well done for standing up for yourself and re-booking your holiday!

I agree with PP that his behaviour won't last, but you can deal with that later.

Feilin · 13/07/2022 18:41

Its not a massive op. A massive op is something like a whipples procedure. However its fair to cancel hol as he hasnt had a great time healing. Needs the op. Will likely need help during recovery. Its NOT OK however for him to be an arse . Hes not dying . Call it on him dont put up with that as someone who is a massive woe is me you dont like me is a pain in the arse and affects everything.

Feilin · 13/07/2022 18:41

Ahh brill just read your update well done!

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