Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you stop being hurt by hurtful comments by your parent?

36 replies

autocollantes · 12/07/2022 21:18

Not sure if this is the right board as it's about a relationship but not romantic.

I'm NC with my mother who lives overseas (thank goodness!). Every year she sends me a letter that has a hurtful paragraph in amongst general neutral stuff about her life. When I say hurtful, I mean along the lines of flat out rejecting that I was abused by her, making out that she's the real victim, in particular my victim. I don't reply.

I know she's a narc (she really is) and I know that she always does this. I know it's coming. I can read it and critically appraise the DARVO and gaslighting (this is progress!). However, I cannot stop the feelings of being hit over the head by a sledgehammer. It's like it's the first time, every year.

Anybody know why I have these feelings that I can't stop, or where they could originate from and/or how the feck I stop them? I was ok for a couple of hours after the last letter (last week) and then it suddenly overwhelmed me completely. I was devastated.

She was a solo parent and my memories of abuse start from age 4 but she's boasted about things she did to me when I was younger than that. I also witnessed her abuse of my brother when he was 2 years old - at least I remember it from then when I was 4. In case that helps anyone.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 12/07/2022 21:23

Burn the letter. She's ignoring your attempt to be NC. That's her asserting power over you. If you never read her letters, you're taking back the power and saving yourself the upset of her words

Flolawri · 12/07/2022 21:31

Don't read the letters and I strongly recommend therapy to help you manage your feelings with it. Abuse is really hard to recover from on your own. Maybe write a letter to her saying everything that's on your mind and then burn it after? That might help get some feelings out.

Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:00

I did tear the last one up into teeny tiny pieces then dispose of it in a public bin. Piece by piece. 😁

The thing is the envelope the letter arrives in is thick because there are cards for the kids (they also go in the bin) but I open it in case the thickness relates to some important documents (no idea what Joe I write that!).

I have a good therapist who is helping a lot. It was actually her who brought this issue up because I'm also deeply impacted every time my "D"H says hurtful things to me. So we were exploring - gently - the pattern. And it got me thinking. I will bring it up next session but there are so many good minds on here I thought maybe someone might recognise it and have some of the answers I can't figure out!

OP posts:
Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:01

*no idea why I think there will be important documents

OP posts:
Cameronnorrieisabitofalright · 12/07/2022 22:03

I am nc with my dm. I once left her a vm saying to stop all means of contact or I would seek legal advice.
Been best part of 20 years now.

Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:05

Cameron that actually made me laugh it's so damn brilliant. She lives overseas though so legally it wouldn't hold up in my case. Really love it though!

OP posts:
Ravenclawdropout · 12/07/2022 22:06

I burnt letters I got from my dad after he locked me out of the house at 16 (my mum died when I was 13).

I am not suggesting you hold onto the pain and suffering your mum has caused you, but NC should really mean NC. Opening a letter from a woman who you don't want anything to do with isn't wise, you are allowing her to abuse you again.

takeitandleaveit · 12/07/2022 22:07

Perhaps you could ask your therapist or a kind friend to open the envelope for you and check for any important documents, just to be sure? That way, you don't have to see any of it, and it can be disposed of unread.

Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:12

Could you send them back and say if she wants to talk to you she has your telephone number.

My mother sends poison pens and they are so hurtful, my brother once told her he had saved all of his and would pin them all to the church notice board if he ever got another one to show her churchy pals what she was really like.

It did the trick, the poison pens ran out of ink for a long while.

whattheduece · 12/07/2022 22:14

autocollantes · 12/07/2022 21:18

Not sure if this is the right board as it's about a relationship but not romantic.

I'm NC with my mother who lives overseas (thank goodness!). Every year she sends me a letter that has a hurtful paragraph in amongst general neutral stuff about her life. When I say hurtful, I mean along the lines of flat out rejecting that I was abused by her, making out that she's the real victim, in particular my victim. I don't reply.

I know she's a narc (she really is) and I know that she always does this. I know it's coming. I can read it and critically appraise the DARVO and gaslighting (this is progress!). However, I cannot stop the feelings of being hit over the head by a sledgehammer. It's like it's the first time, every year.

Anybody know why I have these feelings that I can't stop, or where they could originate from and/or how the feck I stop them? I was ok for a couple of hours after the last letter (last week) and then it suddenly overwhelmed me completely. I was devastated.

She was a solo parent and my memories of abuse start from age 4 but she's boasted about things she did to me when I was younger than that. I also witnessed her abuse of my brother when he was 2 years old - at least I remember it from then when I was 4. In case that helps anyone.

I haven't spoke to my mother for 30 years.
She knew my father was sexually abusing me and rather than protect me she used it in arguments against him.
He died 30 years ago.
I decided long ago to NOT let her hold any power over me.
Chuck the letters away.
If and when she dies solicitors will be in touch with you over any legal matters.
Don't let your life be dominated in ANY way by her - she doesn't deserve to have any say in your or your childrens life.
Sending love from one survivor to another xxxxxxxx

Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:31

My mother sends poison pens and they are so hurtful, my brother once told her he had saved all of his and would pin them all to the church notice board if he ever got another one to show her churchy pals what she was really like.
It did the trick, the poison pens ran out of ink for a long while.

😂 I bet they did!

OP posts:
Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:36

whatthedeuce That is unbelievably horrific of her. Sending love right back to you.

You're right about the solicitor.

I think I've realised since posting this thread that I'm really hoping that one day she'll apologise. I know for sure she won't - unless it's from her death bed and they'll be to hedge her bets for whatever comes after! Not remotely kidding either! On one hand it's quite funny on the other totally heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:40

ravenclawdropout Opening a letter from a woman who you don't want anything to do with isn't wise, you are allowing her to abuse you again. You're right. Every time I open a letter I know there's abuse inside. They really need to be binned straight away.

Although saying that, the only reason I've been able to understand that she's gaslighting me is because these past few years I've had everything in black and white. She can rewrite history all she wants, but I now have her words, written and signed by her, demonstrating to me that I'm not crazy or misremembering. She's actually gaslighting. Now I've figured that out I guess I don't need it confirmed any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:41

I'm reading all the replies here and taking them on board.

OP posts:
Mememene · 12/07/2022 22:43

autocollantes · 12/07/2022 22:36

whatthedeuce That is unbelievably horrific of her. Sending love right back to you.

You're right about the solicitor.

I think I've realised since posting this thread that I'm really hoping that one day she'll apologise. I know for sure she won't - unless it's from her death bed and they'll be to hedge her bets for whatever comes after! Not remotely kidding either! On one hand it's quite funny on the other totally heartbreaking.

No they won't apologise, don't waste any more time hoping she'll change, get he best revenge, have a great life without her.

My mother had me believing she had died last week, she was in her bedroom and silent. The bedroom door was locked, I was banging on the bedroom window downstairs. She didn't answer any of my frantic knockings begging her to say something, in tears, I got the police who told her they were going to break the door in. This was about 40 minutes of me fearing she'd died, in tears, frantic.

She opened the door alright rather than have her home damaged. (I did post a thread about it)

This is narcistic mothers for you and it won't get better IMO.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 12/07/2022 22:43

You hit the nail on the head in your last post - you keep opening the letters because some part of you is still hoping for acknowledgment of what she did to you.

Remind yourself next time before you open it - she does not want to acknowledge or apologise or validate or anything else that could be useful to you. Then knowing none of that is in there - ask yourself is it really worth reading?

Maytodecember · 12/07/2022 23:00

i don’t think she’ll ever apologise to you, not sincerely anyway. She has re-written history in her head.
You could write her one last letter, tell her it will be the last and any letters she sends you will be burnt, unread. Then say exactly what you want to say.

noirchatsdeux · 12/07/2022 23:52

My narcissistic mother also lives overseas - in my home country, which I would dearly love to be back in, but I won't return until she is no longer there - and I'm very low contact with her. A phone call every month or so, I haven't seen her in 13 years.

Like your mother, mine just can't stop it with the nasty comments. One that I've been hearing for over 30 years (I'm 53) is that it was my fault my father left her for another woman when I was 21...I'd made him 'feel old' by having the nerve to get married. She repeated it again, recently...what she doesn't seem to have realised is that every time she does it, I double the length of time before I call again. She's alienated all her family and most of her friends, so I'm one of the few left that still actually engages with her...

She's 80 now and I still stupidly think that she'll have a 'road to Damascus' moment and actually apologise for her part in the hell that was my childhood. Accepting that's not going to happen is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.

Floella22 · 13/07/2022 04:38

Next time you get a letter wrap it up unopened and post it back to your dm.
After that she’s unlikely to bother sending any more.

GreyCarpet · 13/07/2022 05:59

No, they won't apologise.

About 10 years before I went NC (I didn't know it was a 'thing' at the time) my mother went into hospital for surgery and decided she wasn't going to survive the anasthetic. She'd had several GA's over the years and took them in her stride.

The night before the op, she sent me a truly awful email. I spoke to her about it after her op. She said she felt it had been important we knew how she really felt about me in case she died 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I finally went NC, I ignored everything. It went straight in the bin. NC 10 years now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2022 06:21

You are doing the right thing in destroying the letters and to not respond in any other way.

Sending her letter is a response and she knows she has you then. You absolutely need to maintain radio silence when it comes to people like your abusive mother.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Shoxfordian · 13/07/2022 06:34

Definitely chuck the letters away before opening

I would say work on your self esteem with your therapist because another person’s opinion is only their opinion and you can still maintain a good opinion of yourself

Does your husband often say unkind things to you?

Billybagpuss · 13/07/2022 06:37

Pop back in the postbox ‘return to sender’

sashh · 13/07/2022 06:42

A close friend is no contact with his mother.

She has occasionally tried to contact him via me, we were housemates many years ago.

The last letter I received was addressed to me, so I relied, told her it was harassment and any future letters would be taken tot he police.

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 13/07/2022 10:55

Could you return to sender with “no longer at this address” on it or will someone else tell her you haven’t moved?