How do you stop being hurt by hurtful comments by your parent?

[autocollantes]

Not sure if this is the right board as it's about a relationship but not romantic.

I'm NC with my mother who lives overseas (thank goodness!). Every year she sends me a letter that has a hurtful paragraph in amongst general neutral stuff about her life. When I say hurtful, I mean along the lines of flat out rejecting that I was abused by her, making out that she's the real victim, in particular my victim. I don't reply.

I know she's a narc (she really is) and I know that she always does this. I know it's coming. I can read it and critically appraise the DARVO and gaslighting (this is progress!). However, I cannot stop the feelings of being hit over the head by a sledgehammer. It's like it's the first time, every year.

Anybody know why I have these feelings that I can't stop, or where they could originate from and/or how the feck I stop them? I was ok for a couple of hours after the last letter (last week) and then it suddenly overwhelmed me completely. I was devastated.

She was a solo parent and my memories of abuse start from age 4 but she's boasted about things she did to me when I was younger than that. I also witnessed her abuse of my brother when he was 2 years old - at least I remember it from then when I was 4. In case that helps anyone.

mememene WOW! That's utterly unbelievable - totally believe you, it's the behaviour these people will sink to that's unbelievable. There are always new depths they can sink to!

noirchatsdeux Mine moved abroad and when I went back to my home city after she'd left it was amazing. I had no idea why people liked living there. Turned out it was because they didn't live with her or with her interference. I love visiting my home city now!

greycarpet I'm glad you're NC! It also helps me to hear someone who throws/threw everything in the bin.

I have thought about the "return to sender" idea but I can't bring myself to write those words on the envelope. I can't ask anybody else around me either. Maybe I could buy a stamp!!

She did send some things before about getting a copy of my passport for her lawyer (for some paperwork re her will) and I ignored it. Then she sent things by courier. I would go to collect them not knowing that it was her (they don't let you have it until you've signed). She sent them in different types of packaging too so there was no way to know. I don't want to go back to that because she stopped even lower in that phase.

I would say work on your self esteem with your therapist because another person’s opinion is only their opinion and you can still maintain a good opinion of yourself
This is exactly what the therapist says. Word for word! I am utterly confused by this - to the point I can't even find the right way to explain my confusion. Don't people get hurt and upset when other people say hurtful things to them? Multiplied if it's their mother? I thought it was hurtful to know that people think badly of you. Being diminished or humiliated is hurtful. I thought gaslighting was hurtful (and damaging). And I thought that we exist in conjunction with other people. When we get recognised at work we're supposed to feel good and celebrate the recognition etc - other people's views of us impact how we feel about ourselves. So I don't understand how I'm supposed to be not hurt when my mother makes hurtful comments in her gaslighting of me. It seems like telling me I have to learn that water is dry.

Any help in understanding this would be appreciated because it have no idea how to change this (will also ask therapist, but clearly I need a LOT of help with this!!)*

Does your husband often say unkind things to you?*

That would be an improvement in a way. It's more treating me like I'm a robot/service human/assistant to his life, careers and goals. I've been allowed none, unless they benefit him or I have time for them after his work/life requirements are met, in which case they're not serious, they're "a hobby".

He is a compulsive, master gaslighter. He can't help himself. He's openly unkind to me at times though, yes. He's controlled me for years. I think it might be coercive control but with no hint of violence. So not sure if that makes it coercive. I'm trying to divorce him. There are strong similarities between my relationship with him and mine with my mother. It makes me sad to think about. These are the only two people who have lived with me other than flatmates and they basically don't want me to exist other than for their needs.

Both of them are seen very positively by the outside world. I'm unfair, demanding and emotional and they're my victims. They both think of themselves like this too. They have no contact with each other either.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

It's really hard. At the point when I'd finally decided to go NC, she pipped me to the post (I'd confronted her about the abuse, listing some very specific incidents, so she didn't like this!). It felt and feels like she finally got rid of me. My father basically abandoned me with her and she was always pissed off about it. I'd tried to believe she loved me but it was like she took the option of disowning me when she could. It felt like the deepest rejection.

And now she sends these letters every year.

I don't know how to begin grieving.

I feel sometimes like there's not enough therapy in the world - or the time to do it if there is - to ever get over this.

I think from early childhood you have been effectively ‘trained’ to think of her needs and desires first and as such will always feel guilt and indecision when asserting your own needs and find that the desire for her acceptance never goes away. You’ve shown great strength to create boundaries and should be proud of yourself. As a narc she will feel the need to control you and that’s the purpose of the letters. Some people are just not cut out to be parents, we can’t change them or fix them, or even lose the need for them to be different we just have to limit their effect on us. Getting a trusted person to go through her mail is a good idea. Don’t be ashamed of allowing her to get to you, our mothers are important to us regardless of how they treat us. You’re allowed to feel what you feel .

OP don't write Return to Sender on them or do anything with the letters except bin them/destroy them. As another poster has already said, people like this want to provoke a response, any response, from you. Just never respond or react. Maintain no contact that includes writing on her letters or sending them back as this IS CONTACT.

Its a power play on their part. Never give them any power to hurt you or affect you.

This ^. I’ve also been in your position, mother moved abroad. After a lot of abusive phone calIs, usually around 3am and designed to disturb the family’s sleep, I went NC.
Best thing I ever did. She passed away happy knowing she was ‘right’ in her opinion of me.

Totally agree with this.

We binned everything from my mother. We considered returning to sender but then my then husband made the point about it still being an engagement/response from us.

He was right.

It took 6 years but eventually all attempts at contact stopped.

I just moved away and will be NC until I get an apology for the dreadful abuse I suffered.
And even then there will be no relationship. Its too late to build bridges now.

I didn't see the replies here since JY last post. Thanks.

I have decided to bin anything. Whoever it was who said that every time I open a letter I'm allowing her to abuse me made something click. That's it and she can fuck off. It's definitely a power play too, like others have said.

I'm going to start a new thread because I have a new question. I'll try to link to it here in case anybody is interested.

The next question!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4594899-how-to-grieve-an-abusive-parent-who-is-still-alive