ASD husband and son

[hettie74]

Firstly can I talk about the positive qualities of being in a neurodiverse relationship.. both my son and my husband show empathy, not often… but they can both be very kind. I am struggling with the disconnect. I accept it with my son who plays on his iPad from morning till night, very rarely speaks to me unless it’s something that he’s interested in and demands active time once he’s finished playing but by that point I’m worn out because I have fibromyalgia and type2 diabetes. I struggle to accept the loneliness I feel in my marriage. My husband is a kind man but rarely becomes excited about our life together. I see him excited about his hobby, his junior football team but very little else. He is very regimented and has a completely different sense of humour to me.he plays games on his phone all the time and lacks motivation or energy. I feel that I’m becoming the same and it’s getting me down. I was never like this.. I was adventurous and healthy and enjoyed having fun. My husband said that he liked that about me that I had a sparkle in my eye, but that’s gone now.. I feel so worn down. I have to organise most things in our lives, from finding us a home to organising holidays, to looking at our budget. I work full time and feel exhausted. I told my husband about running into a male friend who I had a funny interesting conversation with and how although it was purely platonic craved more of that connection. I was able to have a conversation without someone constantly interrupting me, or walking out on me when I was talking, or zoned out on his phone and my friend appeared genuinely interested in what I had to say. My husband is a good man but I am no longer in love with him due to years of cold detached behaviour. I think it would badly affect our son if we split and I’m not in a position to leave due to finances and childcare. Just looking for some support on how to cope and improve our situation as I know it hurts my husband that I am unhappy.

Did he walk out and appear disinterested when you dated?
How did he woo you?

He was different when we dated.. he’s always been more quiet … but he listened .we went to concerts,movies,dinner dates etc . He just stopped when we got married. I put that down to losing our daughter who was stillborn and then losing his dad but this is 10 years later, and he makes no effort. He has said he’s stopped masking, his words not mine.

I think he was able to do what he should be doing when you were dating but once married he felt able to stop. It was probably a form of masking and he may we’ll have been exhausted. I can see now that with my husband a lot of things are learned behavior but it’s all on the surface.

For instance I have Covid and my son who is severely autistic came into my room yesterday and put his hand on my forehead. I could feel that there was heart and soul in it. However if my husband had ever done that I would have been able to tell it was only something he was copying.

I would feel a bit mad about that. Like he got you under deception and now doesn't have to put the effort in

You don't have to live like this. You deserve so much more.

You won't get this time back, don't get to the end and regret all that you were denied.

I think what you are saying Jellybelly sounds similar… I can’t walk away but would just like some help coping with it, what does everyone else do?

OP I could have written your post. I'm following with interest as I don't know how long I can do this for.

DH and DS are both undiagnosed. DH isn't interested but anyone who has met him agrees he has ASD. DS is on the pathway for assessment.

The management of our lives is exhausting. All admin falls to me.
Left to him DS wouldn't be getting any help, we'd never leave the house, DS would be on screens 12 hours a day.

DH knows his role and what his jobs are. He likes the boundaries so I always know where he is, and never have to nag.

He never minds if I go away for a weekend, and I do this as often as I can because I need to decompress. While I'm away I make suggestions for things they can do, so I'm still managing them. He's a fussy eater who can't cook. DS will eat anything and I'm determined to teach him to cook when he's older.

He isn't great with admin unless I specifically give him a task, and these will often be left undone because he doesn't know what to do.
I delegate all I can to him but still have to check.

I long for spontaneity and someone to laugh with. Affection is always going through the motions. He kisses me at the start and end of each day. I have to ask for more.
He's totally introverted and doesn't chat. I outsource my social interactions which went out of the window in the pandemic.

For those wondering why I stayed with him, we always had lots in common to begin with or so it seemed. As the years have gone by, he masks much less than he did at first.

What a selfish prick your husband is! Unmasking does not mean you just please yourself all the time, it means you relax, let your inner weird out, openly stim... Not becoming lazy and rude! Tell him to get his act together and remember there are 2 adults in your marriage.

Your son plays on the I pad all day every day. And you wonder why he dose t speak to you very much ! Jesus

And he doesn't sound very empathetic to me. Autism does make instinctive empathy hard at times, but by the time you're an adult empathy shouldn't be a rare occurrence. This sounds more like a him problem than an autism one.

You were his 'special interest' while you dated. Then he 'completed it'- married you- so he's moved on.

Can you ask him to remember what is was like back then, how he wanted to know all about you? Ask him to consider your marriage a 'work kn progress' not an achievement. See whether that wakes him up to your need for ongoing relationship.

In a similar situation, I learned to be entirely self sufficient. It was great for me emotionally, and we became happier as he no longer felt pressured by my neediness and dissatisfaction.
It wasn't great for our relationship- we're basically coparents and housemates.

@collieresponder88 instead of the judgemental attitude you could try being helpful. Do you have a child with ASD? Do you know what it’s like when they have no other interests. I have tried for years and years to engage my son in other activities, craft, sports, reading, music but I get nowhere. If you read the post properly I am talking about the loneliness I feel with my husband. And don’t you dare swear at me. Try living in my shoes.

@picklemewalnuts that’s how we are. We are housemates who co-parent. It’s the loneliest I’ve ever been. I’m really struggling with it at the moment.

@3rdtimecovid it seems we are living similar lives… how do you cope?

I wish I had some words of wisdom on this. I am supposed to be working but I am crying in my room instead after more bollocks with my dh.
He has said he’s stopped masking, his words not mine.
This about sums it up for me. My dh was the same, I feel like I didn't even know him. I'm usually able to cope and we have our ways but lately, I can't. Our ASD son is a teen now and has mental health issues that seem to go hand in hand with ASD and taking care of everyone is too much. I really think this is it for me, dh has to go.

I'm 20 years in almost, my advice would be to scrimp and save, put away every penny you can, work on your career as best you can so one day when your ds hopefully needs less care you can be free to leave if you want to. I'm really worried about how dh will cope alone without me. I care about him a lot but I just can't anymore.

There will be some people along in a moment to tell you all sorts of things about how this isn't autism, or alternatively how it's all your fault for not understanding his autism. Try and tune that out.
You know what you are experiencing, they don't. They know how their autism feels, or how their autistic loved one behaves. They don't know yours!

Anyway...tips!

It's much easier when you accept it. This is who he is, and how he is. You can encourage him to do things differently, but he may not. Mine doesn't feel able to change or do things differently. It's as though I've asked him to grow an extra leg, rather than to ask me/care whether I enjoyed the film/meal/whatever.
When you've accepted it, you don't suffer the crushing disappointment of being invisible.

Follow his rules, by which I mean if it's ok for him to go out without telling you, then it's ok for you too. When you stop being considerate of him, you mind less that he's inconsiderate. He'll either care, and make more effort himself, or not care. Win:win!

Meet your needs elsewhere. Build interests and friendships that meet your desire for company and fellowship elsewhere. Obviously, be careful you don't cross boundaries unintentionally. I have no intention of being unfaithful. I keep an eye on my other relationships to make sure they aren't heading that way.

How old is your son? You can always plan to leave, when you want to.

There is a long running series of threads here.

You were his 'special interest' while you dated. Then he 'completed it'- married you- so he's moved on.

I like the way you’ve put this. His ‘special interest’.

There will be some people along in a moment to tell you all sorts of things about how this isn't autism, or alternatively how it's all your fault for not understanding his autism. Try and tune that out

hear hear

Omg, this is harsh but resonates for me and my ASD relationship. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!

Honestly. I often don't cope. I told myself that I could leave at any point. It sounds weird but giving myself permission to not spend the rest of my life like this did help.

Once DS finishes primary school, I want to move house. This may be together or separately. Right now he's in a brilliant school near home and I couldn't afford to live here on my own.

I have started telling DH when he's being hard work. I told him some of the things I've struggled with. On a practical basis he's very helpful so I'm delegating to his strengths.
Emotional support is not his thing and I do lean on friends more than they do on me. Fortunately they get it and don't seem to get fed up.

There will be some people along in a moment to tell you all sorts of things about how this isn't autism, or alternatively how it's all your fault for not understanding his autism. Try and tune that out.
You know what you are experiencing, they don't. They know how their autism feels, or how their autistic loved one behaves. They don't know yours!

There will also be people along to tell you that ND people are selfish and lack empathy and should not be in relationships.

Have you read about the Cassandra Phenomenon?

I did not sewers at you atall. And I under more than anybody I work with autistic children so I am around them all day every day. They do enjoy doing lots of different things actually it's amazing all the thinks they like to do but given the choice of iPad or arts and crafts or other activity they will choose iPad. If iPad is not on offer your son will do other things if you try and stick to your guns. He should or be in the iPad day and night. That is not judgemental that's just common sense

@collieresponder88 if you're not in a 10+ year marriage with OPs DH or any other person with ASC then you really don't know what is like better than anybody. Working with ASC kids doesn't give you special insight into adult, long term, ND-NT relationships, it really doesn't.

Some children with ASD cope with the stress of the outside world by coming home and going on their iPad as much as possible. Home and the iPad are their safe spaces. It's very different to school.

I managed to limit DS's gaming until he was a later teen, but he's a gamer now while he's not at work.

For your son, OP, have you introduced him to audio books? Mine loved them. Could listen for hours. He might like modelling too- painting war hammer or similar.
There will be other things he'll enjoy. Don't be too disappointed if they are solitary, indoor activities though!