ASD husband and son

[hettie74]

Firstly can I talk about the positive qualities of being in a neurodiverse relationship.. both my son and my husband show empathy, not often… but they can both be very kind. I am struggling with the disconnect. I accept it with my son who plays on his iPad from morning till night, very rarely speaks to me unless it’s something that he’s interested in and demands active time once he’s finished playing but by that point I’m worn out because I have fibromyalgia and type2 diabetes. I struggle to accept the loneliness I feel in my marriage. My husband is a kind man but rarely becomes excited about our life together. I see him excited about his hobby, his junior football team but very little else. He is very regimented and has a completely different sense of humour to me.he plays games on his phone all the time and lacks motivation or energy. I feel that I’m becoming the same and it’s getting me down. I was never like this.. I was adventurous and healthy and enjoyed having fun. My husband said that he liked that about me that I had a sparkle in my eye, but that’s gone now.. I feel so worn down. I have to organise most things in our lives, from finding us a home to organising holidays, to looking at our budget. I work full time and feel exhausted. I told my husband about running into a male friend who I had a funny interesting conversation with and how although it was purely platonic craved more of that connection. I was able to have a conversation without someone constantly interrupting me, or walking out on me when I was talking, or zoned out on his phone and my friend appeared genuinely interested in what I had to say. My husband is a good man but I am no longer in love with him due to years of cold detached behaviour. I think it would badly affect our son if we split and I’m not in a position to leave due to finances and childcare. Just looking for some support on how to cope and improve our situation as I know it hurts my husband that I am unhappy.

Try looking at it from the autistic perspective. It will help. You’ll get some comfort from it.

@Daftasabroom I could not agree more, thank you! It is completely different living with ASD than working/teaching. I have actively tried over a period of YEARS @collieresponder88 to encourage my son to do other things. The only other things he will do is basketball or football. He will not do arts and crafts, board games or anything else. Your comment… can I ask how that was helpful, or meant to help? It was absolutely a judgement. You didn’t even respond to my plea for help which was actually about my husband, but picked up on something about my son that you could criticise. If this is how you usually help, then shame on you.

@picklemewalnuts unfortunately my son has developmental coordination disorder and hypermobility in his hands so fine motor skills …..he would just get frustrated with it. He has massive perfectionist tendencies so if he makes any mistakes , no matter the praise or encouragement, he just shuts down and refuses to try again. I really appreciate your suggestions though, thank you 😊

Of course people are nuerotypical do t start with that "we're all on the spectrum" shite.

And ASD isn't about mental health, it's about a whole way of thinking and interacting with the world.

@Iphigeniaa you are an obnoxious, ignorant CF. Please go away.

How do you expect people to help you Your husband does not want to talk to you So how are people on mumsnet going to change that for you ? As for working with autism and living with autism being very different. Yes i agree with that but we also see how parents could actually get so Much more out of their children if only they would persevere with things and not be so quick to give up because they are autistic because they are capable of doing things other than staring at the iPad all day. I don't think your son would be using an iPad at school. If he is then it's for his communication. He will be doing other things so he can do other things at home

It is possible to get your son off his IPAD. The first step to that is accepting it is possible and not impossible because of his condition. You need to wean him off slowly reducing the number of hours a day. That I think is your biggest problem and as the only decent patent in the house unfortunately it's on you to solve. You can move on to dealing with your husband once you've established a better relationship with your son.

It really is possible. I think the problem is I am trying to be honest with you it's coming g over as rude or unkind because it's not what you want to hear op but not my intention Your husband could get off his phone and pay more attention to his son and so could you. Maybe have one day at the weekend where ipads and phones go away In a high cupboard and you all go out together or do something at home together Make the effort to change it is possible. Your son will protest but hold firm If your husband is not willing to change then maybe it would be for your sons sake for you to part because having a father who won't engage with him or his mum will not be helping him atall. Speak to your sons teacher and ask for videos of his day as school. Introduce some of them activities into the home. This fist then iPad. Start small then build up. iPad is the worst thing for autism if all day every day because the communication will stop altogether which is what is happening with your husband and your son.

I definitely think you are me now!

Hypermobility is often comorbid with ASC. When DS was little and I used to hold his hand walking to school it felt his hand was about to fall off.

@MiniDinosaur I found that link really useful, thanks!

I identified strongly with Cassandra syndrome when I first read about it, but felt it was too harshly described and insufficiently nuanced. Your link is much more balanced.

Explains my husband's reaction when I told him I needed more support from him as I was really struggling, and there didn't seem much point in being married if he couldn't be more supportive. So he said we'd have to divorce. 🤦‍♀️

Cassandra syndrome is a made up syndrome - not clinically endorsed whatsoever - championed by an unqualified therapist who makes money out of telling women who have self diagnosed their husbands that they are correct (she does not have the qualifications to diagnose) And all the blame can then be shifted to the autistic person without the neurotypical person taking any blame.

and for goodness sake how many times does it have to be repeated that it is a myth that autistic people do not have empathy. We do, we feel deeply, but because you are unable to empathise in our way you deride us for not being able to act neurotypical. And when we do try to act neurotypical (masking - which is absolutely exhausting and can cause breakdowns - speaking from experience here), we are then accused of deceiving neurotypical people.

honestly, we can’t win. Until neurotypicals have the ability to display empathy and try to put themselves in our shoes, not be so rigid in their thinking about what autism actually is them no-one is going to be any happier.

@Scautish that link specifically talks about the ASD partner's equal experience of Cassandra syndrome. It's not at all like the link you are referring to, and accurately describes the experience of many ASD, NT couples, I'd say.

OP specifically said her husband has empathy.

And when we do try to act neurotypical (masking - which is absolutely exhausting and can cause breakdowns - speaking from experience here), we are then accused of deceiving neurotypical people.

The problem isn't masking/not masking, do what you like. The problem is masking for x amount of years, someone falls in love with you, buys property with you, has children with you, builds a life with you and then they stop masking and become a totally different person to the person you thought you were building this life with. If my dh hadn't have masked from the start I would never have married him, never had children with him. I could have found someone that was better suited to me and dh could have found someone better suited to him.

For the most part we rumble on ok together but he isn't the person he sold himself to me as. We all put our best foot forward when dating but the difference between masking dh and non masking is stark. ND people talk about NT people not being straight forward and honest but how can it been seen as honest to mask until you get the relationship you want and then stop, be a totally different person and then lay the guilt trip of how difficult masking is for you when I never asked you to mask in the first place? You say we want you to mask, that isn't true, I'd rather dh be himself for the sake of his own mental health but I wouldn't have chosen to go along for this ride with him and it should be OK for me to choose a life partner with similarities to me without being guilted over it(ie if we don't mask you don't want us).

@Choopi I couldn’t have said this better myself… I never asked him to mask, but now we are dealing with the consequences of him masking then unmasking. I absolutely want him to be happy, but I would not have been with him had I seen years ago what I’m experiencing now.

I could have written this exact post. I'm close to leaving now because middle age has given me a wake up call and I want my spark back and there is no room for my spark while living with an adult with ASD and a child. It can be a lonely existence so my heart goes out to you. I feel quite used a lot of the time. We become full time carers to our DH's sometimes and I do not think this is fair, or fun. I have no advice but just wanted to let you know I understand how sad your situation can feel.

You clearly have no experience or understanding of ASD so until you bother to educate yourself, off you trot.

You were his 'special interest' while you dated. Then he 'completed it'- married you- so he's moved on.

Unfortunately I think this is the case. I'm looking at it from the opposite side (I'm the autistic person) and going back over all of my relationships I have been completely obsessed with people I have known, maybe they showed some interest in me, only for us to get together and it fall flat for me. I had no idea why this was until DH joked about how he is a special interest I never got bored of. It's very true.

@collieresponder88 you do understand the children you are with are masking with you? It’s not as easy as parents ‘trying a little bit harder’ having an autistic child burns you out to the core, you choose your battles.

OP I just wanted to say it sounds really difficult. And I'm sorry you're in this situation. For the time being please keep taking breaks, where you can. If friends are unhelpful are there any specialist FB groups or support groups you can access? To talk to people who understand what you're going through.

That's so good to hear, @alnawire . Sometimes people get cross when I describe what our marriage is like. They see what I'm saying as critical. It's just observation, though. How things look to me.