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Original poster

Would you continue a relationship...

48 replies

Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:18

... with a man who can't give you a straight answer about the future?

Would you leave someone, if, after a year together, having met one another's family and friends, been on several holidays, they couldn't tell you whether they definitely wanted children or marriage with you one day? Continued to give you vague and non-committal answers? Even if the relationship was pretty much perfect in all other areas?

OP posts:
Bertieboo82 · 12/07/2022 11:18

Age?

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:20

@Bertieboo82 30+.

OP posts:
DragonflyNights · 12/07/2022 11:23

If it had been years and I was in my thirties and wanted a family then yes. Id take the non answers as an answer - avoiding a definitive no to put off the inevitable. If this man doesn’t want the same things he should have the courage to say so, not keep the other person holding on by refusing to give a clear answer.

ZeroFucksGiven20 · 12/07/2022 11:24

No I wouldn't. I'd tell him if he doesn't know what he wants after a year then he's not for me. I at least need assurance they would marry me, even if it's in 5 years!! I want to know that's an option and I need to see it with action otherwise it's a no from me.

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:25

@DragonflyNights Not years. 16 months to be exact.

OP posts:
DragonflyNights · 12/07/2022 11:25

Sorry I misread - I thought you said years, not A year. I guess that changes things. A year is not that much time and i’d not want to give a definite answer either way until I was more certain and had been together for longer than the infatuation stage. Sorry for misreading.

Bertieboo82 · 12/07/2022 11:27

I know it sounds daft but a 30 year old Londoner going to probably have a different perspective to a 39 year old man living elsewhere

30 years old and living in London - not a chance my brother could commit to marriage and children.

Bookworm20 · 12/07/2022 11:27

If they don't know after 16 months in, and are being vague about the future together, then no I wouldn't continue in the relationship.
Been there, done that. If a man wants you for the rest of your life, you know about it, put it that way.

Bertieboo82 · 12/07/2022 11:27

My 30 year old cousin living in Liverpool - married and two children, and all his friends the same

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:29

@Bertieboo82 Not living in London or got a jet set lifestyle. All friends settled down, with the exception of one.

@Bookworm20 This is what I am leaning towards. You're either in completely for someone or you're not.

OP posts:
trezzi · 12/07/2022 11:29

No I wouldn't carry on. I'd hope for a little more respect and honest answers. A year is early in a relationship but it's important to know what you both want in your future, otherwise what's the point?

My sister has just ended a relationship with a lovely guy that quite simply didn't want children. She does. That was the end. Not easy in the slightest but absolutely no point in carrying on when they both want different things out of life.

EddyReadyGo · 12/07/2022 11:30

Yes. They are keeping on as you are an option but there might be a better one. But you waste valuable time.

Ditch and move on. If they suddenly decide they can manage marriage and children then get a hard timescale from them.

don’t be a passenger in your own life/

backawayfatty1 · 12/07/2022 11:31

Met my OH at 28. Both had children form previous relationships. After 2 weeks I shared I wanted another child & if he wasn't on board then it was pointless to continue dating. I'm now 33 & hoping to try next year. It didn't need to be right away but I needed to know where I stood. If I were you, I would walk.

drlel · 12/07/2022 11:33

they couldn't tell you whether they definitely wanted children or marriage with you one day?

Is he vague about whether he wants marriage and children period.

Or is he only vague about whether he wants marriage and children with YOU?

Tbh it wouldn't change the fact that I wouldn't hang around in either situation but I'm wondering if you're taking it personally whereas he doesn't know what he wants in life in general (still unattractive tbh)?

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:34

@drlel He is vague about marriage and children in general. I agree it doesn't change anything either way, I liked the analogy up thread about being a 'passenger' in my own life. That's how I feel right now. I need to take control of this situation and my life.

OP posts:
shandon14 · 12/07/2022 11:37

16 months in, you should know if you want to commit to someone and you are likely to have an idea that you want kids in the future. You are likely to know someone well enough that you are picking up on their wants and needs and responding to that, testing out ideas about the future together with them.

Or not! Some people drift through life, some will not be ready until you are infertile...if you are with someone who can't work it out and you do want marriage and kids my advice is don't waste more time on this especially if you are in your thirties. Too many stories of women waiting around until it's too late.

drlel · 12/07/2022 11:38

I'm not sure this:
If they don't know after 16 months in, and are being vague about the future together, then no I wouldn't continue in the relationship.
Been there, done that. If a man wants you for the rest of your life, you know about it, put it that way.

And your response to this post about him not being fully invested in the relationship is accurate then.

It's possible to be head over heels with someone and be unsure re marriage and kids.

I think you need to separate the 2 things in your mind. It's not that he doesn't know what he wants with YOU, he just doesn't know what he wants. Might help you take it less personally

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:44

@drlel That's true, I'm not really taking it personally, but appreciate some of my replies might seem that way. It is what it is, his choice to be unsure about marriage and children is not a reflection of his feelings for me; but the outcome remains the same in that we are not on the same page.

I know my worth and that I am a catch, there are lots of men who would love to marry / have children with me. x

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 11:48

If after that amount of time he is still being non-committal then it does not look good OP.
Would he be agreeable to buying a house together? Where does he see you both in say five years time?

billy1966 · 12/07/2022 11:56

Some men are happy in a relationship but not interested in moving forward.

He sounds like this might be him or that he has no wish to settle down any time soon.

Don't allow him to waste your time when you know what you want.

drlel · 12/07/2022 11:56

Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:44

@drlel That's true, I'm not really taking it personally, but appreciate some of my replies might seem that way. It is what it is, his choice to be unsure about marriage and children is not a reflection of his feelings for me; but the outcome remains the same in that we are not on the same page.

I know my worth and that I am a catch, there are lots of men who would love to marry / have children with me. x

You're right that it doesn't change the outcome. Good on you for knowing your worth and taking control of your life. He'll realise he either needs to get his act together or risk losing you

Original poster
Irisgoo · 12/07/2022 11:58

@Bunty55 He is agreeable to buy a house together, it's the marriage and children part that he falters on. His reasoning is that he isn't sure, and he never feels absolutely sure about anything, so can't give me a yes.

@billy1966 I see your posts a lot on these boards and always think your advice is solid. Thank you.

OP posts:
layladomino · 12/07/2022 12:03

It's perfectly reasonable after a year to not know if you want to marry someone. It's still relatively early days, and it's sensible not to be swept away with the initial excitement of a relationship and assume it will last for keeps. You need to be certain before you commit to someone and not everyone is certain after just a year or so. The important thing is to be honest and not string someone along with false promises.

That said, if he doesn't know if he wants marriage and children full stop, and you know you do, then I'd walk away. If he was ten years younger and saying that, fair enough, but to be in your 30s and not sure if you want to have children - I'd take that as 'I probably don't'.

Bunty55 · 12/07/2022 12:09

Question OP. Are you pushing for answers and making him feel uncomfortable - that perhaps you want to get pregnant?

Cas112 · 12/07/2022 12:10

He should know after 16month. You don't have to try straight away but at least both be on the same page.

Most men will know whether its something they want at that age. Don't let him lead you on before it becomes to late and he finally tells you its something he doesn't want.

I would give him not an ultimatum but say you have a year to let me know before I move on as this is something that's a must for me.

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