Would you continue a relationship...

[Irisgoo]

... with a man who can't give you a straight answer about the future?

Would you leave someone, if, after a year together, having met one another's family and friends, been on several holidays, they couldn't tell you whether they definitely wanted children or marriage with you one day? Continued to give you vague and non-committal answers? Even if the relationship was pretty much perfect in all other areas?

@Bunty55 I don't think so. If he does feel uncomfortable and like he is being pushed for answers then he hasn't said that. I've made it clear that I wouldn't want to TTC straight away and we'd need to get things sorted first e.g. security of a house, doing the house up, spend some time increasing our savings. All I've pushed for is an answer that it will happen at some point in the future.

@Cas112 I'm not so sure about doing that because then it's like I am pressuring him into an answer. I think after 16 months you should have some idea; I know that I do, and most of my friends who are settled had already discussed the future and made sure they were on the same page within the first year. I'd rather be with someone who is equally as enthusiastic about marriage and children as me, I fear with this route he will just agree to keep the relationship, or it's another year of potentially being strung along.

I think that 16 months is fairly early in a relationship so I wouldn't necessarily expect him to be able to commit to marriage and children with you quite yet. But saying that he's not sure about marriage and children full stop is a bit different - I'm surprised that by his age he doesn't know that yet.

Then honestly I do not think this is 'the one'. Better to end it sooner rather than later when time and money have been wasted perhaps

@Bunty55 That's what I'm leaning towards too. I see my friends relationships and all of their partners are fully on board 100% with where they see their future heading... and that's after less time than we have been together.

It's just much harder to break off when the rest of the relationship is so good. However, I do not want to still be ruminating over this in another years time.

At that age, people know what they want. Or what they don't want. And if someone doesn't know they want marriage and kids, they don't, or at least not any time remotely soon.

I'd personally leave by the end of a year with someone if we didn't both want the same things out of the future.

I became single at 28 and realised shit, the clock is now ticking. I'd had a string of 2-4yr relationships with perfectly nice men who just didn't want marriage or kids any time soon. It kinda hit me that I didn't have the luxury anymore of testing out fun relationships with no future if I wanted to maximise my chance of having a child, so I decided not to become exclusive with anyone again unless it was with the idea that all being well it would lead to marriage and children.

Met my DH within two weeks of breaking up with my non-committal ex, told him on the first date I was planning on children within a few years time either solo or with the right person and that I was only considering seriously dating someone who already independently wanted that too. We didn't rush, but we moved in at 1yr, got engaged married pregnant and became homeowners in year three. But we were working towards that from the start.

Your commitment and exclusivity is a precious gift, I hope that when you're dating again you are able to be selective enough to state what you're looking for and move quickly on from anyone who isn't able to offer that. It's not about saying on date one 'will you have my baby?' it's about weeding out people who have no intention along those lines. It's about 'I want kids and marriage at some point in the next few years, if I meet the right person. How about you?'

The right person won't be scared off by that as that's already where their mind is at, while the wrong person who will be scared off has saved you some hassle as you wouldn't have been compatible anyway.

Also, ignore people who say it's pressuring to discuss this stuff and need to know the response. Society encourages us to sit quietly, hope for marriage and children (as we're nothing without it, right?), but simultaneously not breathe a word of it for fear of scaring the blessed man away. You're supposed to sit quietly and hope he wants the same thing, never mention it, be surprised when a proposal comes (at a time of his choosing, even though it affects you both equally) and then be casual about making a baby in case he freaks out.

In reality in the happiest couples I know, both people openly wanted the same things from early on and worked towards them. You deserve to have some agency over your own life choices

@KingofLoss Thank you so much for such a detailed response and your own personal experience, it has helped a lot, I am not too far from the age you were when you left your non-committal ex. You are right; I need agency in my life to make my own choices. And better to call it off now, after 16 months, then still be in this position in another year. I was just seeking reassurance from others that I wasn't 'jumping the gun', being unreasonable or being too hasty after 16 months.

If the answer is not an enthusiastic yes, then in reality it is a no.

Also the taboo that exists in our society about women stating that they want children early into the relationship is bloody ridiculous. Right from the dawn of time until 50 or so years ago all moderately serious heterosexual relationships were assumed to be moving towards marriage and children. Men have become entitled twats with women walking on eggshells while their fertility clock runs down. Grr.

I wouldn't no. You need to know where you stand and if you don't know you have your answer sadly x

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain

If the answer is not an enthusiastic yes, then in reality it is a no.

I agree with this sentiment, I just need to apply it to my life. I need to make sure that I don't accept any hesitation next time, from the first instance, and not question my own judgement that it is too soon or that they will come around to the idea with time.

Yeah, by 30 yrs old, he should know if he sees himself ever getting married and having kids or not.

I wouldn't waste any more time with someone who doesn't 'know' if they ever see these things in their future.

Tell him what you feel and what you're thinking, so that he is under zero 'illusions' that airy fairy, non committal replies are leaving you cold, and that you are reconsidering your relationship because to you these things are a non-negotiable part of your future hopes/dream, and take it from there.
Just don't allow his answers to keep you in a 'holding pattern' in the hope that he'll change his mind sometime in the 'future'....

You're welcome. When I was in that relationship I once read on MN that no man is worth giving up on a child for. That one day when you meet your child, you will love them so deeply you'll know that no lovely boyfriend could possibly match up. And even if you never manage to have kids, you'll know at least you tried and gave it your best shot.

I didn't actually dump my ex, he dumped me, after months of discussion around kids. But within two days I was grateful as it was going down the pan anyway, I just hadn't been strong enough to be the one to pull the trigger. We didn't exactly part as friends and I had no desire to remain in touch, but I wished him well and we both went on to chase our dreams. He travelled the world unencumbered and I met someone and started a family.

@oobeedoobee You are right. It's not up to me to cajole / persuade / prove to someone that I'm worthy of marrying them or having DC. I should be with someone who can't wait and is eager to do these things with me.

@KingofLoss That's very true. I'm pleased to hear it all worked out for you, it gives me hope 😊

Been with someone for 7 years who won't be clear about what he wants in the future. We still live apart, only see eachother once every few weeks (due to his schedule) and no matter how much I try and and get an answer out of him he still says "I don't know what I want". Started wondering 2 years in what his intentions were but it's always the same answer. Starting to feel like he doesn't think I'm the one he sees his future with, but he won't admit it. Common sense would be to leave, but I have attachment problems and it's so difficult to move on..

@Fuzzyhippo 7 years is a very long time, far more than my 16 months. I definitely wouldn't wait that long. Why do you feel you have attachment problems? Can you find a way to resolve them? x

Someone who is 'never totally sure about anything' I see as a red flag. How old are you OP? Do you have time to waste waiting?

If someone isn't enthusiastic about planning a future with you then they aren't right for you. You are someone he's with for now.

@Animallover87 I'm in my 30s, but even if I was much younger I still don't think I'd be happy to waste time on a relationship (or anything) that wasn't heading in the same direction.

@seaUrchinOne That's a very good point, I deserve someone who is just as enthusiastic as I am.

Yes..I wasted far too long sadly

Mid 20s, I spent 4 years with a man who was wishy washy about children. Sometimes he'd say yes, sometimes he was unsure.

Met my partner at 29. We've been together 14 years now. On the night I met him, I didn't expect to see him again - we were on a holiday - and so I was very blunt about what I wanted. 6 hours after meeting him, I explained I wanted 2 children, which we now have.

I'm not saying that you should lead with the children as a requirement, but after 16 months I'd expect him to know. Been there, put in the time with Mr Unsure, and it eroded my confidence tbh.

You do understand that being a 'catch' has nothing to do with meeting someone? It's most often than not timing and luck that you do meet someone and at other times a lot of settling going on ..

Absolutely this. You want someone on your level and on the same page in life. It’s difficult enough.