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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the victim of a narcissist or just me?

28 replies

BisonGrassVodka · 11/07/2022 18:28

A little while ago I ended an LTR because of pressure from my then partner, when I sat down and thought about it, it wasn't a sudden change from her, things had been being turned against me for some time, but I'd not really taken notice.
I realised, she wouldn't visit my house as she lives an hour away and the taxi costs would be astronomical, even if I offered to go and collect her, she refused. Then she decided she didn't like going out anymore because she was scared of covid, when I mentioned she'd have a amount of protection with having the jabs, she admitted she lied just to keep the peace. If I went to her place for a few days, I had to do a full covid test before I was allowed in her house and I had to collect and pay for the shopping she'd ordered online so we could eat and drink while I was there.
There was times when I caught her going through my phone and she asked questions about the emails and messages on there and who the people were that I'd been in contact with. (I'm a member of a shooting club and a fishing club, so most of the emails were to so with these). She didn't like me answering the phone when I was with her and objected to the ringtone and message tones I used and would switch off the MP3/DAB radio in my car because she didn't like the music.
She objected to the friends I have and reckoned I should stop associating with them in case I caught covid from them and passed it on to her. Wanted to know where I'd been every day, whether it be a for a walk or shopping for myself, if I'd been out the house, I was asked if I'd stopped and spoken to anyone, cleaned my hands with gel after touching anything at all and if I'd washed my hands twice when I got back in my property.
With me being the caring sort, I went about the above actions in order to protect myself, her and us. It got to the point where even to have a kiss became a battle against nuclear and biological warfare and any chance of getting naked and enjoying each other was once in a blue moon, when there was a snowball on the sun and finding an honest politician all at the same time. I woke just as light was breaking one morning a couple of weeks ago and was thinking, "what the hell am I doing with my life? It's out of control and I'm not the driver".

I paced the floor and made my decision. Mid morning I called her and went through the issues I felt that I and we had, she was unwilling to compromise or stop doing the things she claimed, "kept us together and honest as a couple". I told her she had a choice, either she stopped or I ended it. She then went on a monologue of how she'd given up everything for me, dropped all her friends (she doesn't have many) and stopped doing the hobbies that gave her pleasure (she had no hobbies). Mixed in with her spouting venom, there was a diatribe of slights against me and a great deal of things relating to us that I had no idea about or could remember, (either lies or fantasy).
When she finally stopped, I said, "well it sounds like you've decided to be single then, goodbye, take care and stay safe".
Following this, my phones rang non-stop until I blocked her, but she bought another sim card or withheld the number, I've also blocked her on email, but she can still send me messages.

All the above is only a small percentage of what I've gone through.

What do my fellow MN members think?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 11/07/2022 18:30

It sounds like a shit relationship which for whatever reason you allowed to carry on far longer than you should have. Work on the reasons for that before you jump into another relationship, which will likely go the same way.

Why everyone has to be a narcissist nowadays before you can acknowledge a crap relationship I’m not quite sure.

WeeOrcadian · 11/07/2022 18:32

Not sure she's a narcissist but she definitely wasn't making you happy. This was definitely her, not you.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 11/07/2022 18:55

She sounds just awful and controlling.

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/07/2022 19:02

She’s off her fucking napper and you did the right thing ending it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/07/2022 19:06

Unless her immune system is compromised of course…

Honestly? it smacks of control freak masquerading via health anxiety.

dotdotdotdash · 11/07/2022 19:10

I don’t know that she is a narcissist but certainly sounds as though she has many issues; and I think you have done the right thing in ending it. I also enjoyed your writing - an interesting turn of phrase and good use story-telling!

Twiglets1 · 11/07/2022 19:12

She sounds like a bunny boiler and you did well to get out with your sanity still intact

COPPER3 · 11/07/2022 20:59

She definitely sounds neurotic and extremely controlling. You deserve better. Well done for recognising the red flags. She was not making you happy.

BisonGrassVodka · 12/07/2022 10:41

Thank you all for the words of support, they mean a lot and confirm that I've made the right decision. I've not had a wink of sleep last night for thinking about it and the heat probably hasn't helped, but I have a much clearer view of my life this morning and can move on.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
BisonGrassVodka · 13/07/2022 18:17

Update.

I answered my phone today and found myself talking to the fruitloop, she'd gotten a fresh sim card and the number had fooled me, anyway, she apologised for the tirade she directed at me and the way she'd behaved when talking to me on Monday, I told her that things hadn't changed and she should live her life without me in it. Then came a few more cries of, "I love you, can't live without you, I'll die without you in my life, I don't think I can take the stress and it'll kill me".
On Monday night, I was bored and decided to list the things in our relationship that had become a problem and had been highlighted several times. In no time I had over 20 things written down. So while she was on the phone, I said, "I've got some things to say to you and would like an answer to each one", she agreed and I started. By the time I asked number 6, she was making excuses for her actions and started turning the tables on me, I said, "I only want answers, not excuses or explanations. She agreed and I continued, this time I only got to number 9 and she started again with the excuses, I said, "the fact you cannot give me a straight answer to a straight question, tells me you have something to hide, what is it? Why can't you tell me the answer without going round the houses? You sound like a politician, always ready with an excuse, I cannot trust you, therefore will never be in a relationship with you, find someone else you can con or try to fool".
The howling and crying started again and more excuses poured out, I put the phone on the kitchen top and made a coffee, that was two hours ago and I don't know if she's still on the line.
I've had a lucky escape and have made the right decision.

OP posts:
COPPER3 · 13/07/2022 19:05

I am betting you are feeling 'relief'. That will be because you have definitely made the right decision. If she really loved you, she would have made more effort in your relationship and not just used you. Wishing you well for when you meet a woman who really appreciates you. You sound lovely x

Pokske · 13/07/2022 19:29

Oh dear ! You handled that very well.
Don't waste time on crazy. The time won't come back and crazy is a forever status.

DatingDinosaur · 13/07/2022 19:50

My spidey senses are tingling. It seems like you're gloating over calling her out on her shitty behaviour. Stop it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/07/2022 20:13

Agree, I think you’re loving the drama and the ego trip of having somebody say they love you so much they can’t live without you. People who just want their crap relationship to be over don’t spend hours enjoying making an ex partner play a little game with them. I suspect you were as bad as each other in the whole saga.

AdamRyan · 13/07/2022 20:17

DatingDinosaur · 13/07/2022 19:50

My spidey senses are tingling. It seems like you're gloating over calling her out on her shitty behaviour. Stop it.

Yep me too.
I don't like people who have to "win" or people who make lists of other people's failings. Strange behaviour

bakebeans · 13/07/2022 22:50

Get rid and save yourself!

BisonGrassVodka · 13/07/2022 23:52

I'm sorry if I have overstepped the mark here, but I've put up with a lot of shit over a long time with her and wanted to have my say, so I could be understood. I had no intention of gloating or loading up a verbal assault. I've said my piece and all is said and done.

She can go and pester someone else.

Thank you.

OP posts:
IDreamOfTheMoors · 13/07/2022 23:59

BisonGrassVodka · 13/07/2022 18:17

Update.

I answered my phone today and found myself talking to the fruitloop, she'd gotten a fresh sim card and the number had fooled me, anyway, she apologised for the tirade she directed at me and the way she'd behaved when talking to me on Monday, I told her that things hadn't changed and she should live her life without me in it. Then came a few more cries of, "I love you, can't live without you, I'll die without you in my life, I don't think I can take the stress and it'll kill me".
On Monday night, I was bored and decided to list the things in our relationship that had become a problem and had been highlighted several times. In no time I had over 20 things written down. So while she was on the phone, I said, "I've got some things to say to you and would like an answer to each one", she agreed and I started. By the time I asked number 6, she was making excuses for her actions and started turning the tables on me, I said, "I only want answers, not excuses or explanations. She agreed and I continued, this time I only got to number 9 and she started again with the excuses, I said, "the fact you cannot give me a straight answer to a straight question, tells me you have something to hide, what is it? Why can't you tell me the answer without going round the houses? You sound like a politician, always ready with an excuse, I cannot trust you, therefore will never be in a relationship with you, find someone else you can con or try to fool".
The howling and crying started again and more excuses poured out, I put the phone on the kitchen top and made a coffee, that was two hours ago and I don't know if she's still on the line.
I've had a lucky escape and have made the right decision.

I was with you up until this.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 14/07/2022 00:02

Sounds like she's having a massive mental health event but that doesn't stop her behaviour being unacceptable and orderliness abusive to you.

CorvusPurpureus · 14/07/2022 00:17

You obviously dislike this woman enormously, & it definitely sounds for the best that you don't continue the relationship.

The thinly disguised thigh rubbing whilst you enjoy telling an online forum full of women about her failings & 'wailings'...

...look, you could just move on? & no doubt latch on to someone else fairly soon.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 14/07/2022 00:26

You absolutely did the right thing. People like this always have to be in the right, never want to honestly take responsibility for their actions. All the crying and promises to change won’t change her behaviour. Move on and let her ruin someone else’s life

BeggarsMeddle · 14/07/2022 06:55

There's something about the telling of this sorry drama that makes me think you won't be sensible and block your ex on all channels but will engage further for your own amusement.

Minoloso · 14/07/2022 07:28

I did laugh out loud at your posts, have to say. But you are going to get a pasting on here I’m afraid.

SoulGuardian · 14/07/2022 18:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BisonGrassVodka · 14/07/2022 22:45

I might get a pasting and I might not, but I'm a very vulnerable single guy with difficulties and I've opened my heart and laid myself open to criticism. I can only be honest and open, it's the way I am.
I'm new to the forum and showing myself as I really am, just a normal guy with normal issues.

Sorry if I've offended anyone.

OP posts:
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