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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the victim of a narcissist or just me?

28 replies

BisonGrassVodka · 11/07/2022 18:28

A little while ago I ended an LTR because of pressure from my then partner, when I sat down and thought about it, it wasn't a sudden change from her, things had been being turned against me for some time, but I'd not really taken notice.
I realised, she wouldn't visit my house as she lives an hour away and the taxi costs would be astronomical, even if I offered to go and collect her, she refused. Then she decided she didn't like going out anymore because she was scared of covid, when I mentioned she'd have a amount of protection with having the jabs, she admitted she lied just to keep the peace. If I went to her place for a few days, I had to do a full covid test before I was allowed in her house and I had to collect and pay for the shopping she'd ordered online so we could eat and drink while I was there.
There was times when I caught her going through my phone and she asked questions about the emails and messages on there and who the people were that I'd been in contact with. (I'm a member of a shooting club and a fishing club, so most of the emails were to so with these). She didn't like me answering the phone when I was with her and objected to the ringtone and message tones I used and would switch off the MP3/DAB radio in my car because she didn't like the music.
She objected to the friends I have and reckoned I should stop associating with them in case I caught covid from them and passed it on to her. Wanted to know where I'd been every day, whether it be a for a walk or shopping for myself, if I'd been out the house, I was asked if I'd stopped and spoken to anyone, cleaned my hands with gel after touching anything at all and if I'd washed my hands twice when I got back in my property.
With me being the caring sort, I went about the above actions in order to protect myself, her and us. It got to the point where even to have a kiss became a battle against nuclear and biological warfare and any chance of getting naked and enjoying each other was once in a blue moon, when there was a snowball on the sun and finding an honest politician all at the same time. I woke just as light was breaking one morning a couple of weeks ago and was thinking, "what the hell am I doing with my life? It's out of control and I'm not the driver".

I paced the floor and made my decision. Mid morning I called her and went through the issues I felt that I and we had, she was unwilling to compromise or stop doing the things she claimed, "kept us together and honest as a couple". I told her she had a choice, either she stopped or I ended it. She then went on a monologue of how she'd given up everything for me, dropped all her friends (she doesn't have many) and stopped doing the hobbies that gave her pleasure (she had no hobbies). Mixed in with her spouting venom, there was a diatribe of slights against me and a great deal of things relating to us that I had no idea about or could remember, (either lies or fantasy).
When she finally stopped, I said, "well it sounds like you've decided to be single then, goodbye, take care and stay safe".
Following this, my phones rang non-stop until I blocked her, but she bought another sim card or withheld the number, I've also blocked her on email, but she can still send me messages.

All the above is only a small percentage of what I've gone through.

What do my fellow MN members think?

OP posts:
RelentlessForwardProgress · 14/07/2022 22:52

You read out a written list you'd made of her faults down the phone expecting her to answer each point in turn and you think she's a narcissist? Confused

KettrickenSmiled · 15/07/2022 01:44

I'm a very vulnerable single guy with difficulties

I really am, just a normal guy with normal issues

These statements are as contradictory as your updates.
I was with you in the OP. There' no need for you to 'diagnose' narcissism - your ex was trouble, selfish, & demanding. You were right to end it.

Your 20-point plan, though?
Fine to write it all out. But far more effective (for YOU) to then burn it & forget it. Not use it as a game-playing tool that did nothing but extend the drama.
Every time you speak to or interact with this woman you encourage her to keep stalking you. That may not be your intention, but you need to disengage. Now.

Rickrollme · 15/07/2022 02:56

I’d love to hear her side of the story…

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