Too late to leave an abusive relationship?

[ChiquititaCat]

I'm currently in an abusive relationship with a man who has been really horrible to me. I've been with him for 5 years. I do really blame myself for staying so long, even though he has choked me, slapped me, threw things at me etc, but he has periods when he's really really sweet and loving.

I've just turned 27 a few days ago and he called me a "lazy c*nt" for asking him to clean the bathroom on my birthday. It was a real turning point for me and I (finally) realised I don't want to be treated like this for the rest of my life. No matter how many times he promises to go to therapy he never does (yesterday when he was apologising, he said he's worried to go to therapy and be honest because he's worried about being arrested for the things he's done to me). At that point I told him what's been brewing inside me for the past year, which is that I want to leave him.

At that point he told me that I'm "past my prime" and all the decent guys would be taken. I know he's saying this on purpose because it's always been a huge dream of mine to have a family and children, so this really got to me. He suggested we have a baby, which he thinks will help him change. I obviously said no, because I want my children to live in a happy home. The other day when I told my mum I'm thinking of leaving him (she doesn't know about his abuse), she said she doesn't want me to end up alone.

He's also continually told me throughout my relationship that I'm fat and ugly, and even though rationally I know that's not true (I'm relatively slim), it still plays on my mind whether pretty enough. I used to think I'm attractive but he's really ruined my self confidence.

This might sound stupid, but I honestly feel absolutely terrified to leave because I'm afraid I won't find true love again. I've pretty much decided I will leave anyway, but I guess I really need some reassurance and encouragement that I'm not too old to meet someone new and have a happy family like I've always wanted. Do you have any stories of meeting someone and having a happy relationship at this age? I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, I'm just really desperately sad right now!

You haven't got love now have you? You've got someone to call your boyfriend but he's not love and he's not your future.
you're very young and have your life to live. Come on! Get shot of the useless wanker.

How is this true love? How is being with someone who chokes and hits you better than being alone? How would your children feel if this is what their dad does to their mum?

27 is the perfect age to start again with a clearer idea of your own self worth and what you want in a partner. You have 15 years roughly to have kids. Don’t have kids with someone mean, honestly it’s the worse possible thing yoi could do for them.

It’s never too late to leave.
Hes not sweet, that’s his act. I’m afraid you see the real person who is violent and abusive.
please leave for your own safety.

Well, firstly it’s never ever ever too late to leave an abusive relationship. Even if you were 100 and knew you just had one day to live it’s be worth living it without him!

secondly 27 is so young. The perfect age to meet someone in my opinion! old enough to know what you’re looking for but young enough to have a few years together before babies.

You know you have to leave him - every extra day you spend with him is a day lost from the process of moving on to the next phase of your life. Don’t let him take any more time and confidence from you.

OP, you’re 27!!! Practically a child. You have years to find a decent loving man and start a family!
Your abuser is following the same script they all use - telling you that you are ugly, that you’ll never find another man, etc etc. It’s designed to grind down your self esteem and make you pathetically grateful for the bastard man you are currently stuck with. He wants you under his thumb, not confidently deciding you deserve better and dumping him.
Please - find your anger and self respect and ride them. Ride them all the way out of this ghastly abusive relationship. Spend some time alone, healing, having counselling, working out how to avoid abusers in future, before you start dating again.
Something in your past made you vulnerable to abuse. What was your relationship with your parents like? What was their marriage like? Once you identify it, work to recalibrate your own attitudes to what is a good partnership. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If you are alive it is not too late to leave. People find love at all ages, not just in their early twenties. And women very successfully have families in their thirties and fourties - in fact, the statistics show more long-lasting marriages occurring after 30. Go for it!! You have literally nothing to lose; nothing at all.

My exh used to say the same things, who will want you with 3 kids was another. I got the alki twat out of my house after he hit me. I had waited for his next outburst determined to call the police. I've been married to now husband for 20 years, so obviously someone wanted me with 3 kids

Honestly to be completely blunt is being alone really worse than being abused by him for the rest of your life? And I guarantee you it will only get progressively worse- he could even end up killing you!

also as a side note you are definitely not past your prime! You have years ahead of you to meet a decent lovely guy who wants to settle down.

please do leave him. You won’t be alone forever. Get some counselling, restore your self worth and find someone who makes you happy and treats you with the love and respect that you deserve and Ditch this abusive man!

This all sounds awful and I don’t want to make you feel worse, but the choking is a sign that this man is very dangerous.

Please contact women’s aid to come up with a plan to leave safely. Ensure you have adequate contraception in place if you cannot do this immediately.

27 is not only young enough to meet someone new, but to spend time rebuilding your self confidence and potentially getting counselling/therapy to avoid repeating past mistakes prior to this

This is not love, let alone true love and I would think he has been abusive to you from the very early days of your relationship. He targeted you deliberately to abuse from the age of 22. Your mother's "counsel" (and I am being kind here) about she not wanting you to be alone is a lot of old crap and such crap will keep you feeling trapped in the hole he has dug for you. Sounds like your mother has issues as well but those are not yours to take on for her. Abuse too thrives on secrecy; you have taken a small but important step in writing about this on here and that is indeed to your credit. Time to bust this open now by starting to tell others. If you were to tell your mother about his abuses of you would she be helpful and or supportive?. Perhaps not. What other support in terms of friends do you have?. Do you work outside this house?. You are an adult here with agency and you have choices. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and that women are not a rehab centre for such badly raised men.

This is who he is and such men do not change. He likely as well grew up seeing violence and abuse at home and has chosen to mete the same out to any and all "girlfriends". Such men hate women and ALL of them starting in particular with their own mother. He has spouted on about getting therapy as such types often do but never do because he feels entitled to act like he does and shows no remorse whatsoever for the emotional damage he has done to you. This is too ingrained within him for him to ever change through therapy and he would need years of it in any case. Do not blame yourself for his abuses of you; such men are master manipulators and can and do also come across as quite plausible to those in the outside world. His abuses of you are in no way your fault; that is ALL on him.

You are certainly not too old at 27 to meet someone decent and kind but you need to leave your abuser and rebuild your life first. Going from one abusive relationship into another one is a common scenario and your boundaries here have been well skewed by this abusive manipulative individual. You need to contact Womens Aid as a starting point; can you go into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI?. ANI is an acronym for action needed immediately and their trained staff will direct you to domestic violence support services. Once you are away from him completely then you can further rebuild your life and have counselling for your own self. The Freedom Programme would be well worth doing in person as it is for those who have been in abusive relationships (its also available online).

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Has anyone ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like because this most certainly is neither. Better to be "alone" than to be as badly accompanied as you are now are because you are very much alone within this dysfunctional abusive relationship.

Is your dad in your life?. I ask only as he is not at all mentioned.

My friends got away from their abusers and doing that has been the making of them - and their children. A child growing up with this man would be emotionally harmed by him because that child would not stop him abusing the woman here as the mother.

How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. You can do this and you can have a life free from being abused.

“If you are alive it is not too late to leave. People find love at all ages, not just in their early twenties. And women very successfully have families in their thirties and fourties - in fact, the statistics show more long-lasting marriages occurring after 30. Go for it!! You have literally nothing to lose; nothing at all.”

This. Nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have love now or at any rate not a love worth having. Love doesn’t hit you and choke you. By the way: choking is regarded as a prime indicator of future GBH and even homicide. That means there is a strong chance this guy will deliver a life-changing injury to you or even murder you.

And the nasty words are emotional and psychological abuse. In 20+ years, my DH has never said any such thing to me even when we argue. And that’s the key. Everyone can behave well when things are going well. An important measure of a relationship is how it is when things are going badly. When DH and I are a bit fed up with each other, things are “meh” for a bit. He isn’t knocking me about or calling me ugly or past it (and I’m twice your age). Oh and staying with an abuser will age you terribly because of the constant strain of living at a crime scene with a criminal, which is what you’re doing at the moment.

How can we help you to get away from this man? What real life support do you have? It’s best if you can plan your getaway a bit but don’t gamble your safety. Don’t let him know your plans because he is even more likely to harm you then.

I'm glad you've decided to leave him.

You're still so young OP. You have plenty of time to meet someone. Although I would suggest not to make that a priority when you do end this relationship. You should spend some time being single, perhaps do the Freedom Programme, learn to spot the signs of abuse and build your confidence back up. If you rush into another relationship, there's a chance of wasting more years with another abuser. You definitely still have time to take a year or so to be by yourself before looking for love.

I'm afraid I won't find true love again this isn’t true love, it is absolutely nowhere near what true love is.

OP I didn’t have my kids until I was 30, and then 33 and we will probably (hopefully) have another when I’m 36, you’re nowhere near past anything! Leave now, while you’re still able to.

Bless you. You are still young and you deserve to be treated well and to live in a safe home. As well as the verbal and physical abuse, he is brainwashing you into being convinced that you deserve this and will never achieve anything better. Please don't believe this - you are worth so much more. And - yes - it is perfectly possible to find love again, whether you are 27 or 67 (or, indeed, at any age).

It is never too late to leave an abusive relationship. Sadly, for some, the relationship only ends when their body finally gives up and they stop breathing. Then it IS too late, in every tragic sense.

Please get out now and get away from him before this happens to you.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Every good wish to you. Sending you strength and

Do not have a baby with this man as then you will be tied to him forever. Please please do not do this!
For what it's worth, I spent my 20s single. And had the time of my life especially in my late 20s as I had a bit more money and could do whatever I wanted.
I met my wonderful husband when I was in my early 30s and now have two children.
It is never, never too late to leave an abusive relationship.

OP the only love you need to find is love for yourself. All the rest will follow in due course. Stop letting yourself be treated like this. There are far worse things in this world than not being in a relationship.

I left an abusive relationship when I was 28. I met a lovely guy when I was 29 and settled down with him for 5.5 years but I knew it wasn’t right, I stayed because he was a nice man and I loved our life but deep down I knew I didn’t love him. When he started to push for marriage we broke up. A year and a half later I was loving life and had accepted that I probably wouldn’t meet anyone but that was okay because I was so happy and then I met my amazing husband and we had a child.

It is never too late, especially not at 27 but you need to get out of this now and work on yourself before getting into another relationship.

Give yourself a couple of years to set yourself up practically, a couple of years more emotional recovery, and you're still only 31 when looking to set up a family. Millions have done it at this age and older.

You've got ages. Get away from him.

This is not true love. People who love one another do not treat them the way he treats you. The way he treats you is evil.

Please, please do everything you can to get away from him, because if he puts his hands round your neck and chokes you again he could easily kill you. He's dangerous.

For gods sake don't have a child with this horrible man. He'll be as bad for a child as he is for you. You have many more years to find a decent man. You only stay with this one because he has messed your head up so you can't see how awful he is. I bet all your friends could tell you.

My obnoxious ex told me I was over the hill at 27.
Please do NOT get pregnant will this vile specimen. Get out and get out now while you can. It won't improve, in fact the abuse is highly likely to escalate. I wish someone had said these strong words to me when I was 27!!

Wow you're 27?? You are many many many years before your prime.

Leave this loser, enjoy a few years with friends and having fun. You will find someone new and amazing. Otherwise you are doomed to a life of misery. Go and enjoy yourself, you deserve it!

I hadn't even met my DH at 27.

You are nowhere near too late.

He says things like that to keep you with him, dependent on him. Because actually he’s the one that’s scared to be on his own.

And of course he’s sometimes sweet and loving. These guys are expert at giving you just enough to keep you holding on.

Anyway, to answer your question, I’ve left an abusive relationship and I was older than you, and I’ve never looked back. You don’t ever have a chance of meeting the right one, if you’re with the wrong one.

Also, he’ll be even more jealous and controlling if you have a baby, because he’ll resent your attention being diverted to the baby.

This guy is a loser and you shouldn’t waste any more time on him. Gather your courage and leave asap.

Who gives a toss what he says. He's an abusive git, his views and opinions are totally valueless.

27 is really young, the average age for a woman to marry in the U.K. is 35.8.

So he really does know absolutely nothing. For goodness sake dump him and go and find someone lovely xx