Too late to leave an abusive relationship?

[ChiquititaCat]

I'm currently in an abusive relationship with a man who has been really horrible to me. I've been with him for 5 years. I do really blame myself for staying so long, even though he has choked me, slapped me, threw things at me etc, but he has periods when he's really really sweet and loving.

I've just turned 27 a few days ago and he called me a "lazy c*nt" for asking him to clean the bathroom on my birthday. It was a real turning point for me and I (finally) realised I don't want to be treated like this for the rest of my life. No matter how many times he promises to go to therapy he never does (yesterday when he was apologising, he said he's worried to go to therapy and be honest because he's worried about being arrested for the things he's done to me). At that point I told him what's been brewing inside me for the past year, which is that I want to leave him.

At that point he told me that I'm "past my prime" and all the decent guys would be taken. I know he's saying this on purpose because it's always been a huge dream of mine to have a family and children, so this really got to me. He suggested we have a baby, which he thinks will help him change. I obviously said no, because I want my children to live in a happy home. The other day when I told my mum I'm thinking of leaving him (she doesn't know about his abuse), she said she doesn't want me to end up alone.

He's also continually told me throughout my relationship that I'm fat and ugly, and even though rationally I know that's not true (I'm relatively slim), it still plays on my mind whether pretty enough. I used to think I'm attractive but he's really ruined my self confidence.

This might sound stupid, but I honestly feel absolutely terrified to leave because I'm afraid I won't find true love again. I've pretty much decided I will leave anyway, but I guess I really need some reassurance and encouragement that I'm not too old to meet someone new and have a happy family like I've always wanted. Do you have any stories of meeting someone and having a happy relationship at this age? I'm sorry if this sounds stupid, I'm just really desperately sad right now!

100% leave. He will not change. I left an abusive relationship at 25, met someone at 27 and am now married with two kids in my mid-thirties. I'm terrified to think of what my life would have been like had I stayed in the previous relationship. You are spot on when you said he's only saying those things to dent your confidence in the hope that you stay. You are worthy of happiness and being truly loved by someone (who would never treat you in the disgusting way that your current partner is, what he is doing to you is not normal, or acceptable). The fact he's trying to emotionally blackmail (trap!) you by suggesting a child will fix him says it all. Statistically speaking he's likely to become even more abusive as soon as you're pregnant and ditto after a child arrives. I promise you however scary it feels, you will not regret leaving him.

Thank you so much all for your words of encouragement, it means more to me than you know.

I feel so embarrassed to talk about this because I am deeply ashamed that I let him disrespect me for so long. It's only become physical in the last year, but I realise that he is progressing to becoming more violent physically and verbally. I really don't want my family and friends to know that I allowed this to happen to me and think of me as weak, even if maybe I am. It felt really good to share this with someone, even if I don't know you!

I know I have to leave him, and I want to leave him, but for some reason I feel absolutely terrified, I think it's all his words playing on my mind, so this is really helpful. Rationally, I know I'm a relatively attractive, educated girl in her 20s, I've got a good job and things can be good for me, but all the horrible things he's said about me are still bothering me and stopping me from feeling confident.

For anyone who has left an abusive relationship, did you find leaving terrifying? How soon before you felt better? I guess I'm asking if it's possible to have a happy and full life, with family, work etc, after something so traumatic?

Also does anyone have advice on getting good counselling, preferably free? (I'm going to try and get the ball rolling on buying my own house in the next few months so need to keep adding to the savings!)

I've left mine 13 weeks ago. I'm early 30s and I understand the experience. I was never hit. I was intimated with vile words, screaming and being thrown out. Punished with silent treatments and rinsed of money. Nothing was about me and what I wanted or needed. I was never "ready to end it" but I wanted to. It was very confusing. It's like you are caught in a Web of denial, fear and emotional changes. Still painfully wishing they were stepping up for you and being the person they showed you at the start.

I saw messages to his ex that I wasn't happy with at all. It confirmed what I'd always known that he was an abuser who was Keeping his ex close too (great source of supply)

When you first break up you will go through that awful part of grief. Thinking I want him back (whilst frustrating your friends because they think, hes horrible just get rid and move on) you will feel sad. Suddenly everyone seems happy and you don't. Couples everywhere.

You'll possibly then start to ruminate which I did and still kinda do. But it's less painful now. I went over alot. Because when all the confusing things happen when you are together you pop them into a little box in your mind. They all start bobbing up to the surface when you get away. Your doing a giant jigsaw puzzle in your mind. Trying to piece it all together. This is a great time to keep a diary. Talk to friends. Watch you tube videos on abuse, personality disorders etc. Don't get obsessed. But get some education on what you've been through. Read the comments on YouTube videos. Youl notice many others writing relatable stuff.

You should also reach out to your gp. Womens aid or pay for some sort of therapy even if you can afford 1 or 2 sessions. Just get some support. I know its expensive. I had 3 sessions. She taught me to do mind maps and write all the facts about him. It keeps the emotion out.

If you are anything like I was I had stopped living in all other areas of my life. I didn't mean friends and had no interest in family bbqs. They were a massive inconvience to me because I didn't have time for them. He was sucking out my soul. Nothing was about me. After we broke up the day I left my best friend drove me to a lake. I was very sad but it was a wow moment. When did I last breathe. Feel happy. We were constantly at his house skint with no plans. He was dull and boring and that was all we did. Not a single day out together. I began to make weekly plans even of I just went to the range or a garden center. I just got out. Eventually you start laughing. The new conversations spark some of the old you. You can think about more positive projects again. You get inspired being back around kind people. You suddenly realise how much you lost yourself. But you see peace in the future.

When I first left him I couldn't handle the thought of never seeing him or being with him. Never lying in his bed. Never having our mornings or evenings again. My heart ached to walk the route to his. I missed it so Terribly. But not anymore. I'm at peace now. I enjoy my own life. My kids. My home is now where I relax. I can't think of anything worse than being trapped in that miserable man's existence. Fighting for his love whilst other women catched his eye.

My message to you is go through the pain. Get away. He could hit you wrong one day. I get plenty of attention at 33. I do. I went out for dinner with a female friend on Friday and a man smiled and winked at me. It was a little random moment that reminded me there was so much more out there for me than my ex. You will be appreciated one day. But you've got to get your lovely self away and protect her and heal her. I 100% understand all of it. But it's because you are actually in it right now without any space to think.

When we broke up I got patches of psoriasis allover my skin. I was in agony. I thought how Is this fair. It smashed my confidence. Its all gone. All cleared up!! My skins flawless now. My body was under so much stress.

Please read this and try so hard to get away. It's like going cold turkey but I promise you it will be thr best feeling when you start to get back up.

It is terrifying. But think about this. What would you say if your friend came to you and said her partner put his hands round her throat? Would you think it was her own fault for staying with him, or would you tell her that he was an absolute bastard and she must leave him at all costs?

Please talk to your family and friends. You are a victim of abuse. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You did not bring this on yourself, and if my daughter told me that her partner was behaving like this, I would move Heaven and Earth to save her.

P.s I also hid it. But I rang my family and wept down the phone and told them the truth. That sealed the deal I'd never return. My family took care if me. They understood. Shared experiences of their own. You'll be surprised when you talk how many other women will open up. It's like a domino's affect. It became my biggest comfort the others around me.

Meet friends that should say not mean

@ChiquititaCat i was scared to leave too. I wasn’t living with him and was still frightened to break it off but the stats that him choking me were the highest indicator of murder, lifechanging injury etc were what made me do it. He made treats such as

to kill himself including ringing me when he was on the way to the woods to hang hinself

to expose wrongdoings in my part

to lie to my workplace to get me sacked

beat up the father of my children

he didn’t do any of those things, they were all threats, he was scared to be alone, scared I’d go to the police again (I had already reported him for choking me but didn’t press charges) and he would be charged and lose his job.

they will lie and manipulate.

do you live with him? If so wait until he goes to work and ask some friends to help you move out in just a few hours (and not alone)

i’d advise informing your mum what’s happened, calling the police and reporting him. Block him on email, phone etc and ghost him entirely. Send a final text asking him never to make contact again and report him to the police for harassment if he does.

you have to play hardball to make sure he knows you mean business and that his begging and promises won’t make you go back to him

Given how violent he has been already, and the depressing statistic that this behaviour escalated when a woman tries to leave, I would talk to the police asap reporting his behaviour so there can be no argument it was out of character if he does escalate and gets worse

@ChiquititaCat I left a financially and emotionally abusive relationship about 5 years ago now, his parting comments were that I'd never find anyone, no one would want me and my son (not his) and I'd never have another child as I was too old (at 36). I did get out and honestly have never looked back!. I'm married to an amazing and kind man who I love and we have a two year old daughter and my son is hoping to go to uni in September.

You can do this if you want to, you will move on, meet people and have the life you want and deserve. If you do decide to leave, make sure you plan it very discreetly, have copies of documents you need etc and be prepared that you may just need to up and leave and leave some possessions behind. I had to tel my ex in the middle of a pub as I didn't trust him not to become violent and he actually advised as I was saying it that I was sensible to do it as he wouldn't have controlled his temper.

Lots of people don't find love till much later than 27.

It is NEVER too late to leave an abusive relationship.

You are only 27 and you have already wasted 5 years on this evil person.

• it is not too late for you to find love - I know many people who have found the right person in their 30's 40's or even later
• it is not too late for you to have a family with someone decent
• The more time you waste on this dreadful man, the less time is left to find the partner you deserve, so get on to it right away!

His suggestion that you should have a baby together is his way of reeling you in. I admire you for seeing through this and saying a definite no - well done.

Your life is just beginning; get away from this man and taste the freedom.

I am especially sorry that your Mum is feeding into your concerns about not finding someone new. This is not wise of her. If any one of my DDs told me that they had suffered abuse at the hands of their partner, I would be round there like a flash with a suitcase and get them out of there!

I am deeply ashamed that I let him disrespect me for so long

He's relying on your shame to make you stay. He knows that shame is your weak spot. It's why he shames you. He is using your shame as a tool against you.

Think about this. It's terrifying, on first consideration. Because what kind of person would do this? But then, when you think about it, it gives you all the power. You know how his weapon against you works, because you are it.

No shame, no weapon. If you know you're beautiful, he can call you ugly until the cows come home, and it won't touch you. If you know you're young, he can call you old, and it won't hurt you. This is about your belief in you. He is merely a symptom of your self dis-respect.

Have a think about why shame hits you so hard. Where was the same in your upbringing? That's where this started. Not with him. All he has is a stick to beat you with, and you can turn off all its power.

Be careful about what you let him see. You can turn the power off without him knowing, and this may be worth considering, whilst you prepare yourself to leave, in order to keep yourself safe.

But know this: you will leave him behind, you will recover, you will go out into the world and you will make the life you want. He has no power over you at all. Other than the immediate physical threat, he has no power except the power you give to him, in your mind. It is your responsibility to stop this.

Women's Aid are in my experience the best to help you with this. They have seen it all and won't judge you as 'weak'. They know how hard it is to leave an abusive man.

Leaving such a relationship is always hard. He does all the things he does to make it hard - to make you scared and feel as if you're weak and without options. It took me the help of several professionals to find the courage to speak out about what he was doing. But I did it, because he had also started to hurt our children.

He says he thinks a baby will change him, but it's a well-known statistic that abuse tends to get worse when children become involved. The sleepless nights, your attention on them instead of him... he's not going to like any of it and he will take it out on you - and quite likely them.

Nothing to say that hasn’t already been said but wish you all the best OP. It sounds like you have everything going for you so will have no problem meeting someone who will treat you with love and respect. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Oh my god. Please leave him ASAP. You're not too old, crikey, 70 isn't too old to leave an abusive relationship. I left an abusive relationship and I found that I was happier alone, nobody to be nasty to me. It didn't take long to find someone who was sweet and loving to me ALL THE TIME. You've got your whole life ahead of you, please go for it. The relief you will feel when you're safe is amazing. Good luck!

I met my current partner in my early 30s. You are still so young.

I am much older than you and have similar problems, although not with the physical abuse. I spoke to my lovely GP about it. She was very sympathetic and referred me to the local Women's Aid Group and also another local group. They are both now helping me. Also the GP said I could talk to her whenever I wanted.

So, OP, be brave and get help. You'll feel so much better for it.

Please leave. I left mine at 40, it started at the same age you are. The damage it has done to me is hard to deal with but I'm getting there. There is hope and once you leave you can start to rebuild yourself. 4 years later im getting there. What I've had to retrain myself in is realising not all men are like my ex, not all men will lie and twist things,not all men will hit me if I say something he doesn't like. He is a classic narcissist and compulsive liar.

I opened up to a trusted friend and that was the start of me healing and admitting what happened. I didn't call it abuse as it was just slaps on the back of the head and put downs and name calling,he used to sulk when I didn't want sex. I used to flinch when he came near me, he scared me. The worst was when he pinned me on the bed and tried to strangle me. He won't admit any of this and says I just didn't know when to stop.

I met someone last year doing online dating who, whilst we aren't dating (I put up walls for fear of getting hurt) I have got to know and trust. He makes me feel safe, when he hugs me nothing else matters, and he has also shown me that kind men are out there.

Its never too late to leave and never too late to start over.

Please ignore your mother who seems to be stuck in the 1950s, where a woman’s only goal in life is to get married and reproduce…moreover she isn’t being given the whole picture by you is she?

The longer you stay in this relationship, the more your self esteem will be eroded. You will need time alone to rebuild your sense of self and work on your boundaries. It’s very important that these things are solid before entering into another relationship.

You know you want children and by your own admission this man is not fit to parent. I commend you for having the good sense to see that.

Its NEVER too late to leave, in fact, the universe is practically banging its head against a wall waiting for you to do so!

It’s all waiting for you - all you have to do is step out and not look back.

@ChiquititaCat I was really scared and confused about leaving. It got to a point where I wanted to end my life and I think I came to a realisation that if I didn't leave (and physically move away) the future didn't look bright for me.

Reading yours and other's posts about what abusive people will say to try and knock you down when you leave resonated strongly with me. My ex's last words to me were "I hope your bed stays cold and empty, just the way you like it". It's been 10 years now but those words have stuck with me. (It was a weird saying and just another attempt of his to convince me that no one else would want me. Thankfully that turned out to be utter rubbish but at the time I do remember it feeling very hurtful).

Like others have experienced, I spent a long time afterwards ruminating, reliving the highs and the many lows and feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. He reached out to me a year later and I met up with him once. (Not a wise decision, but one that I made). Within minutes I realised nothing had changed at all on his side, he was the same horrible narcissistic idiot that had caused me so much pain and misery. But I realised that I'd actually changed a lot after leaving him and there wasn't a single part of me that missed him. When I left I told my family some, but not all of what the relationship had been like. (I've told them much more in the years since but I had to feel ready and they've been very supportive).

Leaving is inevitably going to feel scary, and he's also putting a lot of effort into making sure you know thay staying with him is the 'easy/right' option. But he's doing this based on manipulation and lies. Whatever unease and fear leaving brings initially is completely worth being free from a toxic relationship. It takes time to rediscover yourself again, but I view myself as a stronger and more resilient person for having come out the other side and found my voice again. Best of luck to you, you can do this x

I met a man like this at 27, married him and now here I am at 40 with two kids getting divorced. We’ve been through hell. He gave me a serious breakdown and has terrified the kids. His career is fantastic and I am struggling to live. What I’m saying is get out, now.

And I should add- Yes, it is 100% possible to life an amazing an positive life after traumatic experiences. That doesn't mean the trauma goes away (for example I still don't tolerate sporting events well as being around a lot of shouting men isn't something I find easy), but you live alongside those experiences.

In the early days when I was processing what had happened to me (which I think often you only begin to do after you've removed yourself from the situation) it was hard and felt overwhelming at times. What I'd been through dominated much of my thinking. But equally my life had been that relationship, I wasn't really seeing friends outside of it by the end so my world had become quite narrow. Nowadays I can hold my previous experience (and not ignore that it happened), but it's a much smaller part of who I am now. Post traumatic growth is a good google search if you want some hope/ inspiration on that front. :)

I honestly feel absolutely terrified to leave because I'm afraid I won't find true love again

You never found it with him my love.

But you're never too 'old' to find 'love', however you'll never be able to even try until you've left this abusive shit of a 'man' behind you....