Dumped because I have children... update

[waveybaby]

I need a good slap from you all who have read my previous thread 😭

Against advice I didn't block my ex... he continued to contact me, call me, and sent a message stating he was going to turn up at my house.

I ended up speaking to him and he said all the right things, love of his life, can't live without me, lost without me etc

That what we have is special and he wants to fight for it. That "love is enough".

Asked me to come and stay with him. I went for 5 days. Everything felt normal, lovely, telling me constantly how much he loves me, having sex with me, inviting his friends round and saying how happy they will be that I'm "back". Referring to me as his girlfriend, talking about future things and addressing his insecurities and MH.

On day 5 I asked him "what are we doing?".

He tells me that he doesn't know, and that he just wants to be there for me as a friend... that he loves me but the "situation" has not changed and that's why we can't be together. Said the time we were having was amazing and everything felt so normal like nothing had happened, but he just can't.

Referred to all the things he'd said and done, including calling me his girlfriend and future talk as a "slip of the tongue" and that he was acting like we were together when we weren't... he said all he could say was that he was sorry that he "fucked up again".

Obviously I'm disgusted at myself and disgusted at him. How is "helping" someone telling them you love them, carrying on as normal and sleeping with them for 5 days?

I should have listened to all your advice. He is now blocked everywhere.

I feel so stupid, and used.

Because you’re a good person who wanted to believe the best I someone. This doesn’t reflect badly on you so hold your head high knowing you tried.

For sex?

Because he wanted you to.

This is on him OP. Grade A twatbag.

When I suggested I felt used for sex, and that it wasn't right him having sex with me and telling me that he loves me- he got quite offended and said his motivation has never been sex, but the "connection" we had from the moment we met.

He said he had sex with me, because he "loves" me and it "felt right".

But it certainly feels that I've been used while I was in a vulnerable place.

Can you reframe it in your head?

You recently dumped your ex for various reasons. You then had the opportunity to stay at his for a final hurrah of five days of sex/food/someone else’s garden/etc and you took it. It was great! But you don’t want to carry on in that relationship so you’re going to have a break (because really, who wants to go on date zero’s in this weather?) and you might restart in x number of weeks or months. Or you might not. You’ll see how busy life is at that time.

I mean, that’s basically what happened as I read it.

He dumped me after a year, saying he loves me but can't accept my previous children.

So it seems he has used me for a final hurrah. Under the guise of still loving me and wanting to be with me.

Well ok……so how about this?

YOU don’t want to continue a relationship with HIM because he’s not the kind of man you could imagine being with long term because he’s not mature enough to recognise people have children. He’s not mature enough to embrace both you and everyone/everything that comes with you. Even people having their first relationships have things the other person has to be mature enough to accept. A clingy mum, a scary big brother, a desire to watch soaps, every person, when they love someone, has to accept stuff about that person. But you’re looking for someone mature and generous of heart.

You’ve been used, OP,, but that doesn’t mean you’re stupid.

What I've found quite hurtful is he has made out like I have misunderstood his intentions.
Classic gaslighting!

I went through this with a long-ago ex who dumped me after a sudden death in my family. He came back when I’d got past the first weeks of grief. I didn’t want him back, but he ‘explained’ that he hadn’t dumped me, I’d got it all wrong etc. I was so unhappy, I fell for his lovebombing tactics.

A few months later he’d got another relationship going, and dumped me again. I went through all the pain a second time, as well as feeling sick with shame. But I had nothing to be ashamed of. He messed with my head when I was most vulnerable, he was contemptible.

Your experience reminds me of this. You weren’t stupid, you believed his lies because you were warm-hearted enough to trust him. Whether he has mental-health issues or not, he treated you shamefully. You deserve so much better. Never let anyone gaslight you again.

OP in the kindest, gentlest way - please toughen up! Take your time to grieve this ending (though it sounds like a lucky escape for you!), practise self-care, be kind to yourself etc. But also work on being realistic - people lie, people use other people, people can be selfish, people gaslight & DARAVI, people can be absolute turds: try to accept this and not let it affect your self-esteem. THEY are the losers, not you.

• DARVO

Yeah I can't see that you are the loser, you have it absolutely clear now that he's a self serving liar and you can move on.

Thanks all.

I feel more and more violated as I think about it.

I have had a lucky escape, it's just been an emotional whirlwind.

My resilience is quite low now, it's hard to be kind to myself when I feel rubbish and used.

This.

You can move on now and never look back.

Onwards and upwards

And I really like @DaDatingIsDifficult's reframing advice.

I can understand, when you have feelings for someone, you really want to believe what they say and unfortunately as it quickly shows, they dont mean it. I've been there time again with an ex but it barely lasts a few days as he hasn't changed.

It's the same old shit different day, you have to stay strong and keep him blocked, he won't ever be who you want him to be.

I like @DatingIsDifficult advice too, thank you.

I've booked in for some therapy sessions as I feel like I really need to address why I gave such a clearly immature, selfish and childish man so many chances and let him trash my self esteem. Everything seemed so wonderful for the most part, maybe I dreamed it and saw what I wanted to?

Just want to cry thinking of how I so quickly went crawling back and believed his words when he'd already shown me twice how unreliable and indecisive he is. I really am angry at myself.

He's made me feel like I'm on life's "discard" pile, like I'm used goods because I have children. Said I need to meet "someone like me" or in my "situation".

At least now you will always know that he is a shit and you're not missing out on some big love with a great man of good character who just wasn't ready for family life.

He used you KNOWING he'd hurt you badly when he delivered his little manifesto the first time round, and he just had a bonus five days of carefree 'fun' at YOUR expense knowing that that wasn't what you wanted and also knowing that that would SET YOU BACK in terms of getting over this mistake.

You may feel like you're in the discard pile now, but he's one shabby article treating you like this. A man worth having wouldn't dump somebody and then when they were trying to get over it, go back and mislead them with a bit of future faking and love of my life talk.

he's a shit.

Therapy is great
I feel stronger after mine

xx

nast narcissist is what he is -probably done it before

We have all been there I think at some point. Learn to hate him as harsh as it sounds and move on. You’ve got this. He will keep doing this otherwise because he can. You deserve more.

I know it may sound dramatic but I'm feeling well and truly traumatised today and struggling to cope with the feelings.

I would never, ever have went to stay with him, or have sex with him if it wasn't under the pretence of sorting the relationship out.

I feel dirty and ashamed that I've been used for sex by this man, when I was vulnerable.

OP, gently, you went to him willingly, even though he pulled the same trick twice before.

You also had sex with him willingly, so I don't know why you feel dirty.

I think it's more your pride that's hurt. Hold your head up, do the therapy, and leave it in the past as another of life's weird learning curves.

Wat @velvetvixen said. I can understand your hurt but…… you knew what he was like. It is not your fault that he behaved the way he did but you are responsible for your ‘availability’ for him to do it repeatedly.

Never delegate the responsibility in taking care of your vulnerability to an arsehole.

OP - this is his shame, not yours. I think you’ve got every right to feel deceived and used because a decent, self-aware person would never do that to anyone else. Hence the traumatic response because you are in a shock, it’s unthinkable in your mind that someone can be so cruel and selfish.
He sounds like a covert narcissist and I bet his internal narrative is ‘I truly loved her but the circumstances were just against us. I really wanted the best for us. POOR ME’.
See it as a hard life lesson but most importantly- a very lucky escape.
With time you’ll be fine. But there’s no hope for people like him.

Yes, i totally understand. You thought you were sorting things out. He knew you thought that and capitalised on it. "I cant live without you" sounds like a change of heart. It is deliberately confusing though because it promises nothing. So he is painting himself as in love but offering nothing. It's such an old con and so many of us have been conned like this.

I look back on a few things with a new lens though. And the shame is not mine. I hope you get TURNED OFF soon and then you will feel better