Attachment issues, or genuinely happier single?

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Hi everyone. I’m at a stalemate in my head, can’t work out what’s going on and would love to know what you think - am I being scuppered by attachment issues or am I genuinely happier single?

I really really struggle with partner relationships. I don’t want to see someone all the time, hated living with someone. I’ve lived alone for almost 30 years and my house is my house. I don’t like anyone else being there unless it’s for a specific reason like for dinner or something, and I know when they will be leaving. I have great friends who I love but I go out to see them, and then come home. I don’t just go round for coffee, or vice versa. I dont like open ended plans, I’m busy and active and happily meet for dinner or coffee or whatever, but the idea of just spending a day or even an evening at home with someone doing nothing seems mad to me. I feel like I can’t do anything as there’s this other body needing attention. And I have to talk to them! I don’t know why I’d do it. I love being alone and happily spend a whole weekend at home alone, or go on holiday on my own and enjoy it.

i know I find it really easy to detach, to shut down, to end relationships, and I find it incredibly hard to trust. I don’t know why I’d have a relationship - I don’t need someone to have my back as I’ve always had to have my own and can’t imagine relying on one person for any kind of support. Increasing intimacy is terrifying and very much one of my ‘run away’ moments. This is due to emotional absence of parents, childhood abuse, and insecure housing, lack of privacy and general crap from mid teens to around 30. Knowing this sadly doesn’t mean I can fix it though.

I came out as gay about ten years ago and had two LTR and am around a year into a relationship now. It started so well and due to some old family stuff cropping up, now I’ve had a complete emotional shutdown. I can’t fathom it - it’s like I have no feelings for this person at all. I don’t want to see her, but I’m also aware that I don’t want to see anyone else either.

i can’t tell if I’m doomed to struggle to connect because of attachment issues (which if that’s the problem could be therapied) - or whether I’m am just genuinely happier on my own. Right now I am not happy at all and I can’t believe I’ve just gone off her as it happened in the middle of a load of other emotional upset and felt like my usual ‘shut down, run away, don’t get hurt’ response.

I’d love any thoughts or perspectives you can offer on this. Should I just give up trying to have relationships?

I relate to a lot of that. I suspect I have a disorganised attachment. I have experienced all the same issues you describe -

emotional absence of parents, childhood abuse, and insecure housing, lack of privacy and general crap from mid teens to around 30

I’m struggling to ever imagine being in a relationship again. I’ve always had a tendency to make myself an island but as the years go on I seem to be distancing myself from people more and more and more in favour of my own company. I also drop people without giving it a second thought. I’ve just started cognitive analytical therapy to try to address it. Have you had any therapy in the past?

Hi @IodineQueen thanks for replying, I hope the therapy gives you what you need. Yes, I’ve had lots of therapy but it’s only actually being in relationships when this stuff comes up. I just can’t tell if I want to run away because I’m scared, or if I’m genuinely happier alone. I can normally see right into the heart of a problem, and here I just can’t tell, I just know I feel awful!

I just can’t tell if I want to run away because I’m scared, or if I’m genuinely happier alone

You're presenting these as mutually exclusive, but they're not. You might be happier alone because your previous experiences have given you very high boundaries.

It's ok not to want a relationship. Why are you not accepting that you might just not want one, and that that would be fine? It sounds like you're trying to make yourself want a relationship; is that the case?

Hi @Watchkeys thanks for replying.

It’s because even though I love being alone, when I meet someone I’m attracted to I do want to pursue that. So it feels like I do actually want a relationship. And then suddenly it doesn’t.

You are right about the boundaries! Huge!

I would suggest warning your partners when it’s the getting to know you stage so they can make an informed decision and have some idea what to expect. Being dropped like a hot potato without a second glance can be extremely damaging, especially after a year or more. And especially if this person hasn’t done something to warrant this.

Thanks @PetalParty yes I do do that and after the upbringing I had believe me, considering other peoples needs is not something i fail at. No-one gets dropped like a hot potato. My issue is trying to work out my needs and whether I should try to struggle through the pain I’m in or just give up.

Hopeful bump - anyone else got any thoughts here? Has anyone managed to get through similar issues and not live perpetually petrified?

I feel exactly the same way, and had similar background/upbringing.

OP
You sounded a lot like me until I got to this "This is due to emotional absence of parents, childhood abuse, and insecure housing, lack of privacy and general crap from mid teens to around 30."

I don't want a relationship but those things didn't happen to me. Some people just don't want relationships.

I think the zeitgeist makes a big deal out of parental stuff but it might be a case of correlation is not causation?

If you are happy alone, then all is well.

I have emotional shutdowns for many reasons.

I have some similar issues to yours. But I think the sabotaging bit is slightly different for me

I tend to go for people who are wrong anyway so then I withdraw and ghost them because they fucked up somehow
i knew they would fuck up because I was deliberately choosing the wrong person
or when they were a good choice - totally set little traps for like no reason - ask particularly loaded questions then get moody at the answer, give them timelines to do X but only have the timeline in my head and never told them it so would get moody when they failed etc etc

you’d have to be honest with yourself and try to see how much you sabotage but for me that took like, decades to even realise

Thanks for that @lilkiki - interesting. I’m not sure I do any sabotaging as you describe it, I’ve literally shut right down. The woman in question is amazing and I’ve gone from all the feels to all the petrified. It was like a door closing and I’m so frustrated to not be able to get past it. She’s not changed at all, it’s just my feelings and it’s so annoying. I feel like a lot of good stuff got stolen from me because of my younger life. After all the therapy, I was hoping maybe they wouldn’t screw up later life but maybe they will

Perhaps just allow yourself your feelings, and find a partner who is happy with stints alone? Do your feelings come back, or have you never stayed in an open minded situation with someone long enough to find out?

Hi @Watchkeys - I am
doing my best to allow that and I do get lots of time alone. I have flashes of the feelings I was having more before but mostly I just feel very very scared, all the time. It’s affecting my sleep, my mood, everything. I get upset when she’s is kind to me, all the stuff I understand to be ‘normal’ with avoidant attachment. I guess I’m trying to work out if I’m happier alone because it’s less scary, but that seems a rubbish reason to be single tbh

OP "I guess I’m trying to work out if I’m happier alone because it’s less scary, but that seems a rubbish reason to be single tbh"

do you need a "reason" to be single though? If you just bumbled along instinctively, do you think you like being in a relationship, based on evidence so far?

If you really liked her, maybe you owe it to yourself and to her to do some therapy work on attachment styles- almost using this relationship as a test case. The alternative is that you just decide now that you're happier single, but you won't have used this as an opportunity to properly explore attachment styles (even to be able to rule it out). Even if it doesn't work out with her you will at least have learnt a few things about yourself. Hope this makes sense.

I am in exactly the same boat. Classic dismissive avoidant and I'm recently in a relationship where we are actively exploring our attachment styles together. If your partner is up for the exploring then it could be even more fruitful for you both, and even doing this work helps to build trust..

Hi @EmmaH2022 that’s a good question, thanks! I’m not sure I have bumbled along instinctively though. I’m very happy alone but have actively looked for relationships, and if I feel attraction I do follow it up.

I don’t need a reason to be single particularly, I just don’t want to be single and miss out on something good because that’s the easy option because I’m scared.

@Mushroomlady thank you - that is good but utterly terrifying advice!

@EmmaH2022 I saw your posts in the wrong order, this is my response to correlation/causation post. yes, perhaps. So maybe it’s as simple as I’m happier alone. Which begs the question why do I find myself looking? I wish I knew.

Sorry, I phrased that badly
I meant "what would happen if you bumbled along instinctively". I used to think it was somehow better to be in a relationship but I think I just absorbed that societal message.

As for "why", some times in life, I found someone attractive, and/or it seemed to offer something valuable at the time. But whatever that was never compensated for being in a relationship, which I said on another thread, I find simultaneously boring and stressful. Now I just don't have them.

Remind me of a guy I had a short relationship with a couple of years ago. Everything was right between the two of us, we had a lot in common, shared values, never had an argument and then suddenly, he said he was going to hurt us and shut down. I dont know if it is your case but my friend had an history of going after indisponible girls and I know trought à common friend that he is still single like he has been all his life (exept for the short time we were together )

hey @EmmaH2022 ah I see, thanks. Simultaneously boring and stressful is exactly how it feels right now, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I’ve never felt I have to have a relationship and have had long periods of being happily single. Then someone interesting comes along and I try and it’s good and then it’s not.

Hi @Mimi198 thanks for replying. What’s ‘indisponible’ ?

in the past, I have been tempted because I was otherwise very stressed with things and he was GORGEOUS. I then felt awful after three months because he thought I might change my mind about commitment - and kids 😱

You are allowed to be who you are and like what you like. If this is what makes you happy, do not feel obliged to change. I am sure there are lots of men who would be happy with a partnership that does not oblige them to live in.

Why seek some sort of label/disorder? Why not just be who you are?

Thanks @EmmaH2022 - yikes!

@Mischance thank you, yes. I’m not looking for a label, I’m genuinely wondering if I can get past this stuff as the woman I’m with is brilliant but I’ve shut down and I don’t like the thought of not being able to have a relationship if I want one. As I say I my post, I came out as gay about a decade ago so while there may be men who don’t want to live in, they’re very much not for me!

I don’t think everyone is meant for coupledom. Do the reasons matter that much. I think it’s more important to live a life that suits you best, with what is available to you in your circumstances. Which for many women are limited, socially and financially. I think there is also something of an objection to women living a singular life, though I’m not sure why exactly; it can be very satisfying.

The brilliant film “Nomadland” is a good example of a more solitary life. I thought it was such a wonderful subject for a film. I felt a great affinity with her, though on a personality-level I am quite different (she was slightly withdrawn, I’m not). I won’t spoil it by mentioning the ending, but I will say it felt authentic 🍃.