Attachment issues, or genuinely happier single?

[EsmeNoteSpelling]

Hi everyone. I’m at a stalemate in my head, can’t work out what’s going on and would love to know what you think - am I being scuppered by attachment issues or am I genuinely happier single?

I really really struggle with partner relationships. I don’t want to see someone all the time, hated living with someone. I’ve lived alone for almost 30 years and my house is my house. I don’t like anyone else being there unless it’s for a specific reason like for dinner or something, and I know when they will be leaving. I have great friends who I love but I go out to see them, and then come home. I don’t just go round for coffee, or vice versa. I dont like open ended plans, I’m busy and active and happily meet for dinner or coffee or whatever, but the idea of just spending a day or even an evening at home with someone doing nothing seems mad to me. I feel like I can’t do anything as there’s this other body needing attention. And I have to talk to them! I don’t know why I’d do it. I love being alone and happily spend a whole weekend at home alone, or go on holiday on my own and enjoy it.

i know I find it really easy to detach, to shut down, to end relationships, and I find it incredibly hard to trust. I don’t know why I’d have a relationship - I don’t need someone to have my back as I’ve always had to have my own and can’t imagine relying on one person for any kind of support. Increasing intimacy is terrifying and very much one of my ‘run away’ moments. This is due to emotional absence of parents, childhood abuse, and insecure housing, lack of privacy and general crap from mid teens to around 30. Knowing this sadly doesn’t mean I can fix it though.

I came out as gay about ten years ago and had two LTR and am around a year into a relationship now. It started so well and due to some old family stuff cropping up, now I’ve had a complete emotional shutdown. I can’t fathom it - it’s like I have no feelings for this person at all. I don’t want to see her, but I’m also aware that I don’t want to see anyone else either.

i can’t tell if I’m doomed to struggle to connect because of attachment issues (which if that’s the problem could be therapied) - or whether I’m am just genuinely happier on my own. Right now I am not happy at all and I can’t believe I’ve just gone off her as it happened in the middle of a load of other emotional upset and felt like my usual ‘shut down, run away, don’t get hurt’ response.

I’d love any thoughts or perspectives you can offer on this. Should I just give up trying to have relationships?

I haven’t addressed the fears you mention in your everyday life, sorry, my post was more a generalisation.

OP in terms of the shut down, I get that for various reasons but it's usually because I'm peopled out or I feel someone has become dependent on me - which I hate. Could either of those be a factor here?

OP sorry I used the french word. I mean women who were not available.

@EmmaH2022 the second of those feels very likely at the moment and that could well be it. Nail on the head again - are you me?

@Mimi198 merci for explaining!

OP the thread where I first said about finding relationships simultaneously boring and stressful, I think a lot of posters could relate.

I think one of the greatest things about living alone is living unobserved, uninterrupted and to your own schedule, or lack of one.

I recall that scene in a later Downton series with Lady Mary saying "marriage isn't going to be two people living in separate wings of the house any more". And I think, now that's a marriage I could have managed 😂

@EmmaH2022

ao so much this

I think one of the greatest things about living alone is living unobserved, uninterrupted and to your own schedule, or lack of

i always feel like I’ve got to be sort of on show when there’s someone else in my space

Yes, I feel on show around other people. My mum is baffled by it, but I can't just be me till everyone is gone.

Re pp comment on being emotionally unavailable, I'm not sure what means.

I think people used to think I was a commitment phobe, which is annoying as a phrase, because you have the right to be single!

No advice OP but I am the same. I'm not scared of getting hurt because I can deal with bit. Buuut the way I deal with it is to not see that person ever again. I don't even miss people.
The only strong feelings I have towards anyone is my family and most of all my daughter, I could never ever drop her if she hurt my feelings.
To be I think unconditional love is only within families and all other love is conditional, that they'll leave or cheat or lie or let me down.

@Arewerelated Hi there, thanks for replying. I hadn’t thought about un/conditional love but I’m very similar to you I think. I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced unconditional love (except from sister maybe) which might be part of this. It feels like maybe I can’t love unconditionally

Hi again @EmmaH2022 I definitely agree about the right to be single. And I have been, for a really long time between relationships. It would be easier if I didn’t meet people that I wanted to try with as every time I get excited by the hope that it might work

I read your post and honestly thought you were autistic. I feel very similar to you. I enjoy being on my own a lot of the time. I am married with children. I think what's helped is that my DH is like me. We enjoy being together when we want to be but we also enjoy being alone and not doing things together. Loads of people on MN say this is a terrible thing in a marriage but it's what we both like and are happy.

Hi OP, I can relate completely. My late teens and 20s were completely characterised by relationships like this. I would be really attracted to them, happily in a relationship and then bam- all the feelings would disappear overnight and I'd feel the overwhelming need to break up with them. Often after we broke up and the pressure was off I'd end up sleeping with them again a few times, until we'd lose contact. I had a very emotionally neglectful childhood. The thing is, I would absolutely love to be in a long-term, committed relationship, but I don't think that's ever going to happen for me sadly.

@cardboardbox24 @Shoopitypoop thanks for both replying. I think I need to do some thinking about what, if anything, I want from a long term relationship. Im
wondering if I like the idea more than the reality! And so what is it about the idea that I like… and the reality that I don’t..

Similar background here.

I also detach immediately. I do it usually 2-3 years in, the first time that my partner tries to manipulate me.
The latest example, my partner had tried to persuade me to sell half my garden as a building plot. I wasn't keen and said no. It's my house, we weren't living together. I came home one day to find him having a booked discussion in my garden with the local planning officer.

Other women would have got rid of the planning man, given the ex a flea in his ear, and then moved on together. I didn't. I withdrew immediately from the relationship. Not constructive.

If you can cope with therapy, give it a try, it might help. I hate the idea of therapy though, it feels like an intrusion.
I think mine are trust issues and I don't trust therapists 😟

One other thought. I have a teen ds who lives with me. He tries to manipulate me all the time, 😀I don't detach from him or wish he lived somewhere else. I love living with him. But he's part of me, I know him so well, trust isn't an issue.

I wonder whether I'll be more willing to trust elsewhere when ds leaves home.

@MintJulia thanks. The trust thing resonated - there’s something in me about reliability and as soon as someone shows three are not reliable, even in a tiny way, that starts doors closing. Because it breaks whatever feeble trust I’ve been able to summon up

hello - im not sure if it's the etiquette to resurrect an old threat, but as it's only a couple of months old i hope ill be forgiven! I read this thread and really resonated with everything you said @EsmeNoteSpelling , and am also going through the same confusion around if it's attachment issues or maybe im just happier single...

anyway, I would be keen for an update if you've figured anything else since your last post! I have been thinking about open relationships (to take the pressure off me, rather than so i could see other people) but not sure if this will actually prevent the sharp turn in feelings (or if id want that at the beginning when im really into someone)

I think rather than analysing. Maybe it's all about the fact that they weren't right for you and you knew it. If they made you happy and fulfilled, you would have been happy to have them around.

@boltonlettuce turns out it was much simpler than I had made it - simply the wrong person, wrong relationship! We’ve split up and it’s the right thing for us both