If you had an absent father growing up?

[BiscoffSundae]

If you had an absent father growing up does it bother you now as an adult? Everywhere I read people say it doesn’t bother kids but just wondered how people feel now as an adult if it bothers them now or looking back?

Yea. It left me with the core belief that I am worthless and that has had long term impact on my relationships throughout my adult life.

I never understand why people would like/love me. After all of my own father didn't then why would anyone else.

It's a work in progress

Is anyone else fatherless through death at a young age?

My dad died when I was a young teen. Literally out of the blue. It hit me very hard for a long time (I was very much a daddy’s girl, and was never close to my mum). Obviously a very different type of loss (he didn’t do it on purpose).

It didn't bother me but I've just had a baby and I have cried worrying that my husband won't love our child.
Or that he will abandon him. I have no reason to think that apart from my father abandoning me as a 3 yo.

Not seen him since I was 5. Now mid forties and it's really never bothered me at all. He's just a person who I don't know. I have no interest in finding him or knowing him. My feelings towards him would best be described as "Meh 🤷‍♀️"!

Thank you all for posting your stories it’s been very relatable, I remember feeling sad that my friends had dads around and I didn’t, also when I got older I felt embarrassed using my birth certificate as father is down as unknown (I know who he is but back then Unless he showed up it was put as unknown) so I remember feeling shame about that. Some have said not having a father made sure they picked the best father for their own kids but sadly sometimes that isn’t always possible as I feel not having one had the opposite effect on me I had a very unhealthy view of relationships and men and put up with a lot of crap because I never witnessed a healthy positive relationship.

No. He left when my mum was pregnant so he was never a reality for me. I don't miss something I never had. My older brother died when my mum was pregnant too, and I don't have any feelings about that because I never knew him to miss him.

Seeing our DD with DH was what put it into focus for me. She was about the same age as I’d been when my Dad left. DH was amazing at doing her very long hair in different styles for school every morning (much better than me!), used to spend ages with her sitting on his lap in the evenings doing loads of tiny plaits that she insisted on after her bath so she’ d have wavy hair in the morning. She adored him and they were always romping about, doing swishas, her on his shoulders, going to the park and swinging her as high as possible on the swings etc, watching Disney Channel together. They had such an easy, relaxed relationship and it sort of hit me that I never had that with my Dad.

My stepfather tolerated me and was very harsh and cold. My mother was very physically and emotionally abusive as she hated my Dad and I apparently reminded her of him. He left her when I was around 6 as she was a serial cheater. Still had visits with him until I was 8/9 then my mother moved us us to the other side of the country due to stepfather’s job without telling him. He did try to find us but when he did my mother refused to let him see me and he was worried about causing upset as 5 years had passed. All confirmed in adulthood (shit hit the fan with my mother when I dared to get in contact with him) but I never knew this as a child. In the meantime, I used to fantasise about him coming to take me to live with him as a coping mechanism especially through my teen years.

When we did finally meet in my late 30s, I found out that he had a stepdaughter just a few years younger than me, that he’d brought up from about the age I was when he left. He actually said he was worried she’d be upset about me coming back into his life and she was his priority! Absolutely devastating to hear seeing as he knew my mother was abusive and what I’d told him she’d done to me wasn’t surprising to him.

I didn’t bother with further contact and it has had a massive effect together with my abusive childhood. Low self esteem, fear of rejection, don’t trust people, anxiety etc although how much was him and how much my mother I couldn’t quantify tbh.

I love my flawed father to bits but have a very jealous SM. I understand her more now I'm a SM myself although I've chosen to encourage not obstruct my DP's relationship with his DS's. My own DD's have a strained relationship with their father. I watched my youngest DD today and thought how much like her father she is. It made me sad that he's not really a part of her life. My DP is fantastic with her and is a great SD. I'm also the proud owner of a truly fantastic SD. It's funny how history has repeated itself.

It doesn't 'bother' me now. But it did, a great deal and I never ever complained to my mum or shared my hurt with her about it. We always pretended we were happy with the status quo.

It definitely has had an impact on the adult woman I am.

Mine up and left one day when I was 9 and then used to turn up sporadically a few times a year.
I felt relieved that he had left, I always felt he was a tedious arsehole even from a young age and used to resent him turning up as it would take away time from my friends etc.
As an adult I saw him as an inconvenience if I’m honest, and didn’t spend time with him or go to his funeral. It sounds cold but I just didn’t like him as a person and always had such a loving relationship with my sisters and other family members which took precedence.
I don’t think it’s effected me really, other than I would be put off very quickly by any sign of a man being troubled or having a few issues going on and I’m always surprised when I see men having good relationships with their daughters, as if it’s a complete novelty, even though lots of men around me do.

I think the very individual aspects (the when, how, why) of the loss interacting with who you were then, how life’s curve balls and leg ups shaped who you became have an enormous impact on your abilities in terms of mate picking.

I don’t think I would have been so singleminded in terms of who the future father of my child would be had I not first had a, really not good, first marriage to shape me.

As unsuited as we were the marriage gave me access to my late FIL, and my late StepFIL.

Late StepFIL is the best man I have ever known bar DH. I knew him his role as stepfather, father and of course step-father in law. The warmth, the well maintained boundaries, the compassion, the space left for development guided by carefully chosen words of advice. There’s just too much to write to explain the whole package of the man he was. And I knew something of the compromises my former MIL made as a wife, in order to have him as father and father figure to her children. Because I also knew FIL. I knew why he was her first love, because I saw my own first husband in him. And I had moved heaven, earth and continents to be with DH 1.0.

The contrast utterly doomed the (already doomed) marriage, because it cemented for me that DH 1.0 and I could only have children if I was willing for said child to have 2 parents with complicated family backgrounds. And having seen the alternative in Step-FIL, he made it impossible for me to pretend I hadn’t seen the potential for choices. He also gave me a template of elements to look for. A “map of the right kind of man” if you will.

I’m not denying I used some (unusually good by my typically awful standards) judgement. But it was judgment that was possible only due to the dumb luck of being in the right place at the right time. Had I never met Step-FIL, things could well have gone in a completely different direction.

my 20 year old has been really affected by not having a dad around. Severely affected mentally

my 17 year old, on the other hand, has always been completely chilled about it, we talk about his dad but my son simply replies ‘you know what mum? Literally my dad never ever pops into my mind. I don’t know why, but it’s just never something I ever ever think about’

My mum and dad split when I was young. As he was in the military I saw him infrequently, so much so I never recognised him each time he would pop up unannounced. Over the years I was fed stories by both my parents blaming each other for the infrequent contact so I didn't much trust either of them. He died about 10 years ago. I didn't go to the funeral as I didn't feel I knew him but I am sad for the relationship we could have had.