If you had an absent father growing up?

[BiscoffSundae]

If you had an absent father growing up does it bother you now as an adult? Everywhere I read people say it doesn’t bother kids but just wondered how people feel now as an adult if it bothers them now or looking back?

My parents split when I was about 5 and I saw my dad about once a year until I was about 13. It dawned on me then that he simply couldn't be arsed and whenever he made contact with my mum it was to cause trouble. I ceased any real contact then. His lack of interest when I was a child hurt a lot, as an adult not at all. In fact it made me determined not ever to be dependent on a man. I have a fabulous husband but I will always aim to have financial independence.

I grew up without a Father.

When I was young I. Found it really difficult. This wasn't helped by having a Mother who would never tell the truth about the circumstances.

As I child (growing up in the 70s) I always felt different and I really felt I missed not having a Father figure. There were not many single parents in those days.

I used to make up stories in my head about being rescued by my Father and being taken away for a better life.

During adulthood I didn't miss it really. But I became determined that my children would have a much better childhood and upbringing than I did. They have a really positive relationship with their Dad and we are a string family unit.

I never met my Father as he then died before I had the opportunity. I do regret that as I would have liked to.

Children without a dad in their lives are more likely to turn to drugs, alcohol and crime according to research.

This thread has made me think more about it and I do think not having met my father did affect how I approached relationships. I’ve always been very insecure, not jealous or possessive but never had the feeling that they were lucky to have me only that I was lucky to have them. Probably put up with some awful behaviour as a result.

Doesn't bothered me really
What does bother me is now he older he he has re witten history so his newish wife thinks I'm a terrible daughter for not bothering with him much.
He literally makes out to her that he was around when my kids were born-lies and that he was up and down to the hospital when my son had his kidney transplant-lies.
I'd appreciate a bit of honesty but I truly think he believes it all.

This is my dds experience.
My ex dh moved away 2 months after we separated when she was very young.
Inconsistent sums it up perfectly but he was predominantly absent and very uninvolved.
6 months ago she made the choice to go no contact, she's 20 and it was entirely her choice.
She seems happier and says she feels free of all the empty promises, constant let downs and ups and downs.

Yes. Then and now. It’s awful.

My dad left when I was around 4,never saw him again.
I didn’t miss him until I became a teenager and then I always wondered the what ifs.

he died about 2 years ago,I knew where he lived and used to check. Now I will never know anything about him.

he missed out on more than I did,grandchildren,great grandchildren,me my wedding.

his loss

My DH left nearly 2 years ago. How do I minimise the impact on DD and DS? They are young teens. I worry that they won't choose and /or marry someone that loves them and that they can love normally. What can I do to change it for them?

My dad died when I was 2, and no real explanation of what happened or where he went was ever really given to me until I was a fair bit older. He was rarely mentioned and then only in derogatory terms by my toxic mother. I have really struggled with mental health, substance misuse, inappropriate raltionships and inabilty to form friendships all my life to be honest. No I can't rememebr him but the absence is and has been massive.
It's very very complex which wasnt understood at all in the 60s and 70s.

@Lovinglife45 Yes I tell myself I’m not worthless over and over again but I’m in my 60’s now and I still feel like I am.
If I was worth something why would he just have discarded me?

No, it doesn’t bother me. I actually never really felt like my family was that different than anyone else’s. Just truly never thought about it, or wished I could see my dad more (he visited maybe a few times a year). He wasn’t very nice, so I mostly had no interest in him.

It’s only as an adult that I now see friends with their dads or my own dc (Dh is very much the opposite of anything my dad was), that it sometimes surprises me how different it must be to have two parents. I don’t feel like I missed out though and I had a pretty happy childhood.

My parents divorced when I was 5, for the next 4 years we were lucky if he bothered to come and see us once a month. He disappeared completely and didn't get in touch again till I was 21

He basically wrote a letter giving some bull excuses and to only contact him again in an emergency. 21 year old me told him exactly what I thought about him and that he was nothing to me. A year later he was diagnosed with terminal prostrate cancer and I refused to see him despite my mother saying I would regret it.

There was no regrets and I'm glad I didn't see him, as far as I'm concerned you can't pick and choose when u want to be in a kids life

My father was a piece of sh*t so I’m glad I didn’t have to grow up in a house with him

now I have kids I genuinely don’t understand how anyone could have behaved like he did towards his family

it doesn’t bother me per se, like upset me, but it does have a bearing on how I think about things.

it was massively important to me that the partner I chose was gentle and loved children. Him being with my kids seems very important to me. similarly I get irritated by how little I had as a child because he wouldn’t pay any maintainance, so most of my memories are of being poor and missing out. So I’ve worked so hard to make sure that doesn’t happen to my kids, even if me and my partner split up.

due to my lack of father, my mum had all sorts of horrible boyfriends in our house / life. I know that if I split with my partner I would go about that differently too.

i think what I’m saying is that it’s made me conscious of the importance of having a good father to raise kids.

Mine was never in my life, he had plenty of chances & my mum tried to encourage him but he just wasn't interested.

Occasionally think about it but more because I feel he's the one that's missed out & I wonder if he ever regrets it. My mum gave me everything I needed & I didn't know any differently. No idea if he's still alive & not sure I'm even bothered. He didn't want us so it's his loss.

Mine left when I was around two and I never heard or saw him again. Some times I feel a bit sad thinking of the things I missed out on and other days it doesn’t cross my mind.

i would say it’s definitely caused some issues growing up with self esteem, abandonment issues etc

While I have to stress I do think that the blithe ‘happy mum happy kids’ advice trotted on here is simplistic I also think this statistic is as much related to poverty than anything else. After all, you won’t see many stable same sex relationships have this stat apply to them.

It does still bother me.

I was very young. He was in and out of prison. My mum decided it wouldn't be healthy to have him in my life, so she went NC.

Obviously I understand her decision, but I have always felt a hole in my heart due to the lack of a father figure. My actual dad was never gonna be the father figure I wanted, but I've struggled a lot with resentment over not having a positive male role model. I think it's part of the reason I ended up in abusive relationships. I felt so desperate to be loved by a male that I'd let them treat me like shit.

I've dealt with my issues to a degree, but I still have to avoid social media on father's day because it makes me sad. I've recently been watching "This Is Us", and it sometimes make me sad and envious of the father-child relationships in the show.

It seems to depend on the person though. An old friend of mine had a very similar family background and it didn't seem to bother her one bit. In fact, when I expressed feeling sad one fathers day, she minimised my feelings and basically said "I don't have a dad either and I'm not bothered by it!" If it truly doesn't bother her, I've no idea what the difference between us both is.

I also want to add, however, I still believe it's always better for a woman to raise a child alone than to stick it out with an abuser. If the dad's a shit but present dad, the child will still have "father issues" anyway. The ideal situation is simply that both parents are supportive, loving parents. When that isn't the case, single parenthood is the better option.

Definitely. I also think that most people are not cut out to manage all aspects of parenting alone.
It's especially irksome when women here are urged to "go it alone".
Being unable to establish and maintain a decent romantic relationship doesn't necessarily mean you will not be a good mother but it's not evidence to the positive.
My own mother would point to the fact that I am financially comfortable as evidence of her ability to parent on her own, but she will disregard the hand she played in the outcomes of some of my siblings (and their children, by extension) and she just plain doesn't know about my issues because I would never feel comfortable having that sort of discussion with her.

My dad left before I was born
Never really bothered me until I was in teens and hated my stepfather. I went about looking for him but didn't find him.
Now I'm older I do see I do not trust men at all. I had this discussion the other day with a friend about someone we know who has walked away from their child, and I really struggle to respect or like him because of it.
To me it should'nt matter why he walked away from my mom, he should have has a relationship with me. I'm 48 now, and he is possibly no longer here but I know he moved on and raised a new family. It's too easy for some men to walk away

Not having him around didn't bother and still doesn't bother me, we had everything we needed from my mum and then some and I don't believe that children need a male/father figure in their lives.
What affected me more was the memories of him being abusive to my mother and the messy divorce when I was 7/8 years old, it affected my relationships with men throughout my childhood and forced me to grow up very quickly.

Thank you for starting this thread @BiscoffSundae it's made me think, a lot.

My dad was in and out of my life from the age of 4 when my parents divorced. I also had a step-dad who was actively abusive rather than passively like my real dad, so I'm not sure how to attribute the damage across the two.

What I do know is that I've never felt loved at an emotional rather than intellectual level, even though I have a wonderful dh and 3 lovely children. Like someone said upthread it's like an unfillable hole and goodness knows I've tried to...drink, drugs, men, clothes, food. I keep thinking about therapy but I dread the idea of being vulnerable so I feel stuck.

No, because he was never there so I didn’t miss him!! I met him when I was 18 and had it confirmed he was still a waste of space and not worth bothering with. Nope, very happy without him.

Same lol