Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Siblings always leave me out

37 replies

twistet · 10/07/2022 15:07

I have 2 siblings, both similar in age but about 10 years older than me. One I chat to via text nearly every other day and has two kids similar ages to mine. The other I'm not as close to and has an older teenage child. They live fairly near each other and I'm about 2 hours away from them.

In the past there have been several instances where they have left me and my partner out and not invited us to bday parties, New Years parties and holidays. The first time it happened was before my DH and I had children, and I had actually suggested booking a trip away altogether. A couple of months later saw on Facebook they'd gone away on a holiday, but we obv never received an invite or knew about it. I was hurt by this and did tell them. I chalked it up to maybe they thought we wouldn't want to spend a holiday with lots of kids about (which wasn't the case, I was the one who had suggested a trip) but tried to not let it bother me.

Since then (and since we had kids) there have been at least 2-3 other holidays they've arranged and we have never once received an invite. The last time they did this (last year) I was very upset and explained that it was hurtful they'd basically forgotten or left us out again. And that we've always expressed a wish to go away together as my kids adore their cousins.

I saw my siblings this week at a family occasion with my parents, and I overheard them discussing a holiday together this summer in hushed tones. When I asked my sister what they were planning she changed the subject really abruptly and walked off.

I feel deeply hurt and also used, in particular by my sister who I thought I was very close to. I am her emotional support a lot and always there for her and she messages me all the time to chat.

They seem to like my DH so I don't think it's anything to do with him. We have been together nearly 20 years and he is part of the furniture so to speak.

All I can think is that they must really not like me. That must be the only reason, they dislike me and don't want to spend time with me or my family. I feel so low and I was going to confront them again but I feel
Like honestly what is the point. As I've told them so many times we'd like to join.

I'm not saying they can't do stuff together without us, the often meet up for the day as they live near each other, and that doesn't bother me at all. It's just this holiday thing that they know has hurt my feelings in the past.

Don't know why I'm posting really, maybe to get some perspective, maybe I'm over reacting? What would you do?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2022 15:14

I'm sorry, op. I can understand that you're very hurt by this, but there's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. You can't force your sisters to provide you with the relationship you want from them.

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 15:33

Thanks. I think I should maybe step back a bit and not be there so readily when my sister messages with her latest drama or wanting advice. Then I won't feel so used and hurt next time we are left out.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 10/07/2022 15:41

twistet · 10/07/2022 15:33

Thanks. I think I should maybe step back a bit and not be there so readily when my sister messages with her latest drama or wanting advice. Then I won't feel so used and hurt next time we are left out.

Absolutely this is the way to go.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2022 15:43

I think you're making the right decision, op. It appears that your sister uses you and that has got to be very painful.

Abcdefu · 10/07/2022 15:46

Sorry to hear this is happening you,I would find it upsetting too. Could you go away with friends?

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 15:57

@Abcdefu we have friends we go away with and we go on holiday on our own too. It would just be nice to be included on their group holidays every now and then. But it has never once happened. And if I try to arrange a holiday for all of us they don't reply or are non committal and it never happens.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 10/07/2022 15:59

Yes op take a step back. Ignore the nastiness. I had it done to me a few years ago. I feel one is the ringleader other sister goes along with it. Families are horrible at times. They left me out of flights too booked their own.

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 16:01

Sorry you have experienced this too @Mary46 It is so hurtful x

OP posts:
Mary46 · 10/07/2022 16:08

Thanks op you too. God I was upset for ages. We do the polite coffee at xmas or meals with our mum. Thats it. Envy close families. Yes think flights done that way hoping I couldnt go... devious

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 16:12

@Mary46 That sounds very mean. You're better off without them x

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/07/2022 16:12

OP that's really hurtful. I wonder if you could just ask one of them straight, why they do it? Not with the expectation that it will change but just to know.

It must feel awful

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 16:14

@Holly60 I tried this last year and was very open about how hurt I was and asked why. They claimed it was just accidental, they forgot etc. My sister was apologetic but my brother mocked me for being upset.

It seems to be my sister though who is arranging this summer holiday. And it hurts all the more that it's her. As I thought we were close.

OP posts:
oneofusgobble · 10/07/2022 16:16

Hmm. Are your children well behaved?

Do you have any large differences in the way you parent?

Or do you drink a lot?

Mary46 · 10/07/2022 16:23

Are their kids similar ages? Hard know op. In my case one just likes being in control of everything! But its not nice agree

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 16:23

@oneofusgobble

My children are well behaved and I'd say we all parent in a similar way, nothing majorly different.

My DH and I are not big drinkers, but do have a few at bbqs, weddings, holidays etc.

My siblings drink a lot more than me. Funnily enough they often fall out when they've been drinking and it's me who is left to be peacemaker.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 10/07/2022 16:28

twistet · 10/07/2022 16:14

@Holly60 I tried this last year and was very open about how hurt I was and asked why. They claimed it was just accidental, they forgot etc. My sister was apologetic but my brother mocked me for being upset.

It seems to be my sister though who is arranging this summer holiday. And it hurts all the more that it's her. As I thought we were close.

In which case I would just leave well alone. Accept that this is the way it is and don't be so available when they need you.

ChinnyTroubles · 10/07/2022 16:40

My siblings drink a lot more than me. Funnily enough they often fall out when they've been drinking and it's me who is left to be peacemaker

Well that is one role you don't have to do anymore! Leave them to it

Minimalme · 10/07/2022 17:20

I'm sorry they are behaving so badly.

I think by telling them how hurt your are, you have inadvertently stopped them sharing the reason they are excluding you.

It is possible that it is something small such as they like to go just with each other and any more makes it a large group. They are closer in age and geographically which may have a bearing.

They may be feeling under pressure, knowing you are hurt and feel excluded but liking to do the trips away together and not wanting to compromise.

It is very hurtful though.

sanityisamyth · 10/07/2022 17:24

I have as little as possible to do with my sisters and don't feel bad about it. Choose your friends and maintain good relationships with those who can be bothered!

cameocat · 10/07/2022 17:28

That all sounds horrible. I agree on stepping back.

Benmac · 10/07/2022 17:36

I am the middle sister. I lived furthest away from the family. My two sisters were exceptionally close. We all were and all got on well together but the relationship they had was different to my relationship with either of them.
My eldest sister died some years ago and I feel so awful that I cannot fill that gap for my wee sister.
I know they both loved me as much as I love them but sometimes there is just a connection that you cannot replicate.
Love them but live with them on your terms.

Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 17:52

Sometimes I feel like just not seeing or talking to them anymore. But if I don't reply to messages or got rid of Facebook etc they would get annoyed with me and I'd be the one in the wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
twistet · 10/07/2022 17:53

I wouldn't tolerate a friend treating me like this. But because they are family it's hard to totally remove yourself

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/07/2022 17:57

But the relief you experience when you give yourself permission to say it out loud - they don't like you enough to invite you so sod them - is bloody wonderful.

Sod them. Concentrate on friends and family who do actually like you without being mealy mouthed about it.

Mary46 · 10/07/2022 17:59

Op I accept we just not close. She too controlling. I suit myself alot now but yes its hard when you see other families.. hope u ok.

Swipe left for the next trending thread