What would you do longish read

[Yellowflowers4]

Good morning

I'm looking for some advice please. For 18 months I was involved with and had a ten month relationship with someone who likely has a cluster b personalty disorder. He was beyond your average jerk. He played alot of nasty mind games. He was a compulsive liar. Liked his women. Obsessed with an ex partner. Angry. A sober alcoholic. Did alot of story changing. Leaving put details. Confusing me. Putting me down. Trying to make me feel I needed to change my appearance. Draining my money. He had me buying his food and paying his bills for 8 months because he was unable to work due to his health.

The relationship was up and down and that made it hard for me to get out. But 13 weeks ago today I left his home for the last time and didn't return. He kinda helped me in a way because he blocked me everywhere so I couldn't communicate.

The problem was he had his passport. All his paper work. Jewellery. Photos. Paintings. Some clothes and other sentimental bits at my house. He wanted them stored as his landlord was taking him to court (6 months didn't pay rent and landlord wanted him out) but also I honestly don't know the extent to his debt. He owed hundreds in council tax and I believe it was them that threatened to take valuables from the property.

After we broke up I sent him a list of the things he promised to pay me back for the following week. On the 4th May he was due to pay me £500. He had various things from me that month. On average he was having £500 a month from me including food and only paying me back £350-£400. My money was draining away. But I felt I had no choice as half the time his electric was off. Also I didn't realise during the relationship how abusive it was.

Obviously the money didn't arrive. But from a week after we separated I asked him about his stuff. I gave him various offers in the first 6 weeks. I only could do this via email and when that was ignored I went to a male cousin of his and he did his upmost to help. But My ex started attacking his cousin verbally and saying it and between us. He then told him I was mad. I was immature. Out of order. His cousin tried to say I just wanted to sort the property he had with me and the money. Eventually they fell out. The cousin cut him off and my ex got angrier towards me but didn't communicate.

I sent him an email polite and to the point every 4 weeks (4 in total) I was ignored.

I was told via mutual friends he had left the property eventually and took a few bags around the corner. We presumed he'd been housed by the council and I awaited a message regarding his stuff. But nothing came.

3 weeks after this I was sent a photo of him stood outside my friends house with a new woman. I didn't particularly want to see this but it upset me and once again I tried to get him to email me about his stuff. I wanted him fully out my life. He ignored me. So I spoke to a female cousin of his. She's been nice to me and did warn me how he was. She's the only family member he has left. All others have cut him off. She told Me to send it 3 hours to her. He apparently agreed to this.

I told her no as it contained alot of glass.
It would be a nightmare for me as a non driver to get it weighed.
I'd need to go to town and buy bubblewrap etc.
It would cost me alot of money.
I'd need to arrange a courier after all that and I'd never done it before.
It was heavy.
I'm busy with My own life. He lives in the same town.
Why should I do anything else. If he wants to send it to her he can collect it and do it.

She responded he's sofa surfing and has nowhere to live. She then said it looked like I was holding on. I was then sent a screen shot of her saying I was nuts and hanging onto him.

The next day my ex finally got in touch. He said you have been reported today for harassment! I have a crime number.

I sent him an email with his stuff in my garden behind a bin and said come and collect it today. He didn't turn up. I was told by the male cousin the female cousin said he was working away all week. I said I'll put it out at rhe weekend then if he's back. No confirmation of him being back. I qas ignored and stuff has not been collected.

I never heard from the police. But I'm feeling anxious. He's being very sneaky and very clever. He's also lying. I have all evidence of emails so I'm not worried. I've not once said anything about our relationship or anything with any emotion since April.

What do I do at this stage? Should I get advice from someone? I'm just distressed by the whole thing. He's sofa surfing at rhe homes of ex addicts and thieves. I'm still finding out lies. The most recent one is the car he told me has been in the garage for 2 years was sold by his ex. He apparently owed her alot of money (she weirdly is his friend still)

I'm fed up I am not from his walk of life. He has a history of fighting. Drink driving znd car crashes. I didn't know all this until it was top late.

Any advice I am desperate.

Just stop contacting him. He knows his stuff is in bags for collection, that’s it. Accept you won’t get any money from him and move on.

Can you get an address for him and put the stuff in a taxi to him?

Can you put the stuff somewhere out of sight like in a box in the garage or something? Then just forget about it.

I had a bloke tell me to get rid of his stuff which I did but a few weeks later he decided he wanted it back. I felt bad and thought I should have put it on his doorstep but it doesn’t sound like you can do that.

re the money, you’re not going to get it back. Take it as a lesson to not give anyone any money in the future especially in the 100s of pounds. Sorry you must have been mad to do that.

I can't get an address no. No chance. Can't get any sort of insight or response.

I could wrap my head around it if it was shower gel and tshirt. But they are photos of his children and a parent who has died. His brother certificate etc. Its stuff he definitely needs back. One of the oil paintings is from his ex and specially made for him of his dogs. He will definitely want that.

He could have emailed me and said please store it for me until I'm sorted. It just feels he's digging his heels in. I think sending it to his cousin was the cowards way out for him.

I did decide that if he didn't collect this weekend I'd stick it in the loft and ignore all communication about it unless it comes directly from him. I'm just worried he's going to lie that I won't give it back. I also always feel on edge awaiting some sort of contact. I have blocked him everywhere apart from email. But it feels he still has a hook into me.

I have learned my lesson with the money and I know I'm not the first hes done it to. The main thing is I want him gone. I dont really know how much further he will go to control my life.

Leave it now. Put it somewhere out of the way and forget about it unless he contacts you. Make sure you keep the emails as proof you have tried to return them, just in case, but otherwise it's not your problem.

OK.. sometimes the male cousin takes over abit like Friday he said he'd message the female cousin to ask if he's back. When I said I I want any questions going to them from me, he said I'll have to say your asking though as all you want is this stuff gone. I did feel he took over my wishes there. Not the first time. I feel he's made things worse in places by saying things not exactly how I worded them.

He didn't get back to me anyhow when I asked yesterday if he'd heard whether I should put it out.

I just feel I dont want to engage with him now either. I'll just go silent. There's not much chance of me receiving any letters etc is there being accused of holding his property via police or solicitor?

Put the documents : passport, what I presume his his birth (brother?) certificate in the post to one of his relatives, recorded delivery. One of them will be his next of kin.
As to the rest of it, store it if you want to or can, otherwise , bin it. You can demonstrate that you offered opportunities for him to collect it. The stuff about the crime number seems like rubbish to me, but these days, who knows. Anyway, if you have made a serious effort to return his documents, that’s it.

The only cousin he speaks to has blocked me now. He's cut off his dad. His daughters don't speak to him. He's fell out with his brother. No other family.

This is why it's such a pickle. He's slowly lost everyone around him. But I have evidence of me offering to drop it on his step. Meet him. Let him fetch from me etc. I have tried all I can.

Yes that should say Birth not brother sorry!

He's clearly one of those people whose just not very good at life.

He's losing everyone around him because he's unpleasant and incapable. That's not your fault, and you mustn't try to fix him!

Agree with everyone else - just think no more about him.

But it feels he still has a hook into me.

You're right. It's the proverbial coat behind the door. The only way to win is to not care. Whatever method makes you care the least, pick that.

Thank you. I'm doing my best to keep busy and get on with my days. It just feels like a game to him. He is acting like he doesn't owe me any explanation whilst storing his stuff at my house. It shows such a lack of respect. The final cousin is very caring. Her own mum has cut him off too..she did offer to go halves with her daughter for shipping the stuff. But I really don't want to be responsible for shipping this stuff to them it's ridiculous. It could have been sorted in april with one simple email. "I'll get in touch to collect it when I'm sorted"

He's holding so much anger towards me for telling his cousins. But what option did I have at that stage.

His whole life has been the same. He had this ex he still spoke to (the one before me) it was like they were not together and not apart. Really screwed up. I still don't understand why she stays in touch. He lived with 9 years and cheated on. Messaged other women and spent loads of money. Not sure how people end up playing some crazy games for years.

Don’t worry about police and crime number ! You’ve done nothing wrong
he’s messing with you
if needs be write a 1 page statement and file safely

cut contact with everyone that knows him
you don’t need them
block , delete
and same for all social media
total eradication

id box his stuff safely and put some where safe

write off the debt
really , that’s money you will NEVER see

and move on . He’s gone
yay !

if he wants his shit he can get it
otherwise Grey rock all the way

the worst part is over
now heal and move on
you’ve got this x

You need to try to stop thinking about his antics, mind games, previous relationships. None of that matters now - you're just left with a load of stuff.

I would bin it - you have given ample opportunities and he hasn't collected it. He is giving it much less headspace than you are - and it's his stuff!

Easier said than done, I know. But it's fine for you to do this - you're not the bad guy here.

How much space does all his contents take up. Can you box it up and out it in the corner? Drop a blanket over it? Tick on back of wardrobe? I agree, I couldn't get rid of things that clearly are important/irreplaceable but I would be binning non important stuff. He has had plenty of opportunity and warning. Perhaps one final email to say you have the irreplaceable stuff, you will not be sending it but it's it there to be picked up. But other than that, no more contact. Get in with your life and forget this man. He and his ensuing drama are doing you ok favours.

TBH, sounds like a situation where he will randomly turn up on day for it, or one of his relatives will so then you can hand it over and shut the door for good.

And agree re money. It's never being repaid so as hard as it is, write that off. Gutting I know.

So many autocorrect mistakes in my orig post....hope you can make sense of it!
Drop = drap, tick = tuck.

Thank you. I have blocked all links now apart from the cousin thats been helping me. Bit scared if I block him he will turn though so may keep him on my Facebook but not interact now and hopefully I can delete him quietly in a couple of months.

Yes exactly that. Worst case is he can email and I'll leave it outside. Its just silly anxieties like now I know he's in with very dodgy rough people. I'm just worried they will do something. But hopefully not. It's a horrible feeling. I have 2 young children aswel.
I have no idea how I got caught up in such a shady character. The man who he's staying with is a thief and ex addict. When he came into my boyfriends once I said I don't trust that man at all. He agreed and said money had gone missing before after he'd been round. I told him to put his jewellery upstairs and he did. Now he's living with him. I hope he doesn't tell him what I said.

I'll definitely go silent now. I'm trying to enjoy my kids again and focus on getting happy. It's been quite a horrible road to recovery and I did go to therapy at first. I genuinely was down. Very weepy from months of verbal abuse. I've never experienced it before I grew up with both parents and I've been fairly sheltered. Gone through my adult life positive and bubbly. This has really shaken me and I think it's because I thought it would be really really obvious when you meet a person like this. I always felt off. But put it down to his sad past and thought he just needed some goodness back in his life.

It's a bingbags worth I guess. All funny shapes. Alot of glass and paperwork. Sentimental items such as a stuffed animal from his dog that died etc.

I can read your post fine with typos I do it all he time. I appreciate your help 😊

Op as others have said, there really isn't any more you can do. Yes he's playing games with you in a typical abusive pattern, but by constantly trying to make contact him, are falling prey to him. He knows you won't destroy his things, as it been made clear by the effort you have been putting in to getting them back to him. Chuck it all in a box and put it in the loft. Don't even bother posting off the passport etc.

Yes, there is a chance he will make contact with you somewhere down the line. But this is where the ball is in your court and you get to call the shots. When / if he does get in touch maybe via cousin or whatever, say something like your stuff will be in the garden on x day between x and y time so pick it up then. You don't need to have contact with them, nor do you need to see him. Be out during those times.

Don't let him get the upper hand over you as this is what he is doing, and you are telling him, via your actions that he still has.

Thank you. It sounds silly but I need talking through it sometimes and it helps to read that and that's basically all that will happen one day.
I appreciate all the kind words and advice. I've just got to stop letting him and his cousins pop up and stress me out. It should be on My terms now.
It is so hard to make people see the pattern he plays in. It's so obvious to me that 2 months ago he didn't know he'd be homeless. So he should have naturally wanted that back. He has never let his ex go but she does seem important to him. But he's just always dragging the past along. He didn't even divorce his wife in the 90s. Just left her and the kids and ran away from his problems. Seems he never changes.

Thank you. Feeling a little more relaxed now. I didn't know if I needed legal advice to protect myself.

Can I ask he was in band one to be housed in March. They said he'd get a one bed ground floor flat. He's ended up homeless now when they said he wouldn't. Is this because he owes council tax or is there something likely I dont know? Will he get housed quickly now he has no fixed address?

My ex was like this. They get off on the control element & they don't hold true sentimental value to anything. Just block him on everything. Change the locks to your home if he had a key & as pp have said send passport, birth cert to his cousin. If the rest was so meaningful he would have ensured collection. It's all to keep space in your head. Provide a firm deadline for collection & if he doesn't collect it, bin it. As for any jewellery, I'd be tempted to consider that as now belonging to you in lieu of what is owed & sell it. You'd have check the legality of that as you don't want to give him any excuse to harrass you further.

I unfortunately don't have an address for the cousin and she's now blocked. I have literally done all I can. It's 100% control.he used to say throughout the relationship that nobody tells him what to do since he was 16 (hea now 48!) And he also told me that he will do the opposite and he knows how stubborn he is. This is exactly why he wont work with me.hes letting me know he doesn't do what other people tell him to do. But to his cousins and dodgy friends I'm crazy and the poor thing needs to protect himself from my behaviour. When he fell out with me once he text his cousin and said she's lovey but she can be immature (I'm 34) he's always used the age gap when he needs to. He plays a very clever game using my age as a way to make me look silly.

You've given him enough head space now OP.

Pack the stuff up today into the loft and try to put it to the back of your mind.

You have given enough of yourself to him. It's time. Ball is now in your court.