I'm the lowest I have ever been with nowhere to go.

[Whatsthatspookynoise]

I rant on here often about my partner and the way he treats me. He talks down to me and now I have no confidence in myself left. This is not usually like me.

Everything I do is wrong, he makes digs at me and has implied multiple times I'm not good at being a mum, which is the worst thing anyone can say ever. I do everything for my children and they are well behaved, intelligent and healthy. I don't know what I'm supposedly doing so wrong with them??

He gives me the silent treatment A LOT for weeks at a time. I confronted him today as it takes soooo much courage to talk to him. I'm talking full on heart racing, stomach ache anxiety. I ended up just ranting (I usually do not speak to him about problems as he's usually nasty over anything so I hold shit it) I ended up saying he wasn't a good person and because for some reason I couldn't think of any examples of times he's put me down or been rude because I was on the spot and anxious, it basically means I'm making it up. He also kept saying "okay. okay. okay." every time I spoke or started smirking or laughing at me, which you can imagine is infuriating. Then he turned the whole thing round to ME being the nasty one because I said he isn't a good person.

Honestly, I'm never rude to him or say things like that and I know it was nasty. But I meant it. He really IS nasty. I was full on sobbing like when you can't breathe properly. He absolutely refuses to accept any responsibility for the way he treats me. He refuses to accept he's not nice.

My family and friends are worried about me as I'm not myself anymore and I'm just quiet or sad all the time.

I have nowhere to go. No money as I'm the sahm with a small amount of UC to my name every month that I use for bills. I can't save it as it all goes on water/council tax and food clothes for the kids or whatever they need etc.

I am too scared to get a job as I can't afford nursery and I've been my brother's carer for so many years until I had my 2 year old. So no experience really.

My mum keeps saying go to the council, but I know for a fact they are going to turn me away. I don't know where to go or who to contact for help. I'm not being abused so I'm not a priority. I completely understand so many women need help before me.

I feel like a waste of life and oxygen. I can't stop crying. If I didn't have the kids, I would just leave and sit outside all night.

I feel so alone and sad.

I just had to share my thoughts with you guys or it would eat me up all night.

Big hugs for you. You are being abused, why don't you think you are? He isn't a good person and you do need to find a way to get away.

Ranting on here is a good first step. But the next step is to make a plan. Make lots of plans and work on progressing them until one sticks. Would you like us to help you go through options?

Thank you so much. I just can't wrap my head around the abuse part. I know there are two sides to every story and this is just mine. Maybe I am overreacting? I don't even know what's considered abuse.

Places to contact are:
GP - ask for therapy referral not matter how long the list.
WomensAid - ask them how they can help you get away
The Council - ask about housing
Your family - ask if you and kids could stay with them for short periods
Your friends - look after kids. Help you move, make phone cals for you.
Shelter - help finding accommodation

Tell each of them you need help, ask them how they specifically might be able to help you. Help comes in many many forms, consider every form of help that is offered.

Why do you take it from him? Give it back and give him a taste of his own medicine. This man does not respect you and he enjoys making you feel this way.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You sound like a kind decent human being. He does not. He is abusive. Have you told him you don't want to be with him?

If you side of the 'story' is that living with your partner makes you the lowest you have ever been it really doesn't matter what his side is. You are not good for each other. You should not share a life together.

Listen to me when I say that relationships are supposed to make your life better.

Op you are being emotionally abused. Please confide in you family and friends and welcome their support.

Someone will come along and advise of refuges etc. Please listen to them and get out of there

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve more.

Perfect advice

Please don't tolerate this behaviour any longer OP

YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF LIFE OR OXYGEN. Do not let this man-child destroy you. Take action and follow the steps PPs have said. Life doesn't have to be this way you deserve to be loved and respected just the way you love and respect him

Thank you so so so much everyone. I'm sobbing again. I can't believe it took strangers on the internet to make me feel better about this. I do think I am a good person. I have my moments like we all do, but I just want people around me to be happy. I'm never mean or spiteful to anyone because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end especially.

The thing is @Whatsthatspookynoise it's because you're a kind gentle person you've become vulnerable to this abuse. Instead of being cherished by someone, you've unfortunately found someone who takes advantage of your good nature and abuses it.

You should be valued, loved and supported by someone. Muster all your strength and change things x

You are being abused. And you are fully capable of getting yourself.m to the position of getting a job and being financially independent.

one step at a time.

I really hope so. I know feeling down is affecting the way I'm seeing my future. Thank you

Thank you for saying that. It really means so much to me. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself haha

You've made the first step by admitting it. Read your post back and ask yourself what advice you would give.

I'm pleased we seem to be helping to clear some of your fog. There is a lot you will need to do to get ut of this but it will be worth it once you are free to be your lovely worthy self. You can do it.

You sound like a lovely, caring person and a great Mum. He is emotionally abusive to make you feel like you are walking on eggshells when trying to engage in a conversation with him and you deserve better although it seems daunting now.

I really recommend the Freedom Programme with Women’s Aid
I recommend looking into Homestart/Childrens Centres in your local area. I work in one and they are a great place to go to for support in looking at finances/housing options
Do approach the council for housing and get yourself on the waiting list
Friends and family will want to help let them! You could maybe look into distance learning or work experience once you feel more confident.
With regards to UC I am a single Mum and your nursery fees would be paid by up to 85 percent there is also funding for 2 /3 year olds to look into. Your UC would increase if your circumstances changed. Citizens advise are good for this. Also check out the Turn2us calculator online.

I hope things get better for you and you find the strength to do what is best for you x

sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

Read this often cited Lundy Bancroft book which is available free online. That was a lightbulb moment for me to realise it WAS abuse. I thought cos it wasn’t constant and he wasn’t hitting me it didn’t qualify. Go to the council. You are being abused and need to get out at a time when you feel low (because of him) like what actual human watches the person they love sobbing like that. It’s horrible. Vile man. Reach out and get support. I got help from women aid and all those people who had seen the change in me were happy to help. I was also offerred housing very quickly but opted to go to my sisters (who he had isolated me from but she was there in a heartbeat and willing to help me). Sending you waves of strength. You will feel better than this. I’ll never forget the support I got from Mumsnet and the strong kind straight talking women who said stuff like- you’ll be safe and you’ll be able to close the door and he’ll be on the other side of it. He always insinuated that I was being unreasonable and over sensitive. When I left he started being really nice to me to try and get me back then switched tactics to threatening suicide and saying I had destroyed him. After years of his crap I had no idea of what reality was and was so broken and crazy but stick close to the sanity of people on here and womens aid and the people who will help you and you’ll get out and get to be happy again.

I didn't see your first message and ended up paying £2.99 on Kindle haha. What a great book. Even just an insight into abusive people. I keep closing it though as I'm scared I get caught reading it. I'm so glad you're in a better place and got away from that trash. You are amazing. x

Just a next day update in case anyone in the future ever relates to this post. He was being nice to me today. Not loving, but treating me a bit more like a person and because the kids were there, we were talking like a normal happy family.

It's sad because this is what will always happen. I think everything is okay, then he starts being mean again.

I didn't realize how scared I was to try and find my own place today. I don't have the guts to tell him. It feels easier when he's being nasty if that makes sense. Tomorrow my mum and I are going to go through some of the advice I've had. Maybe women's aid can advise me.

Thanks everyone.

I have been where you are OP.

In my case while I wasn't working at the exact point our relationship ended, I had been working, was just finished a contract position, so knew ultimately I'd get back to work - but it was very hard, as I had 3 small children & no support & was worn down from his abuse.

It's 9 years on. I have a busy professional job and my DC are older. It is not easy - men like your partner & my H will continue to find ways to abuse & control & I am still fighting in court, for appropriate maintenance & to get divorced. He has treated me & the children appallingly.

BUT it is massively better, step by step I've rediscovered myself & my confidence.

In your case, if you can get someone who can offer advice & support you can start taking steps one by one to get free of him. I promise it can be done. It will be hard but it is possible.

The way he laughs & mocks you when you try to explain how you feel - it's classic abusive gaslighting behaviour. It drives you crazy. I know. I promise even having the threat of that lifted from you will feel great.

Start with your GP & Women's Aid. If you keep posting here you will get lots of support & advice. 💐

treating me a bit more like a person and because the kids were there, we were talking like a normal happy family.

It's awful how low we end up setting the bar for ourselves when we are in an abusive relationship.

I was like this too. He'd speak civilly to me one day or eat a dinner with the family, and I'd convince myself that it might be ok.

It's all part of the pattern of abuse.

You need to set your sights on removing him from your life.

This is what abusive people do. They are abusive and then they are nice to reel you back in and then they are awful again. You must do what is best for you in this situation

Dear OP, I got goose bumps reading your post as it reminded me so much of myself. I spent 25 years with my ex. He never abused me physically, yelled or called me names, but for a very long time I felt unhappy and upset. It was hard because I could not point my finger at what exactly he was doing to me, it just felt wrong. I too was not able to speak with him, would get exactly the same symptoms as yourself if I would try, sickness in the pit of my stomach, heart palpitations, inability to organize my thoughts properly. I never spoke with anyone about it, kept it to myself and kept feeling bad. It was not until I finally started seeing a therapist that I started seeing things more clearly. She used words like “emotional abuse”, "financial abuse" and “narcissist” for the first time and things finally started to make sense. I am now separated for over a year living my own, quiet life feeling healthy and content.

Get your things in order OP. Start talking to people, solicitor, therapist (who ever you can afford), family, friends. Posting here on MN helps too. For a long time, MN was my only support, my lifeline, so keep posting and keep telling yourself, “I can do it”.💕

Tread carefully. You'll know if it's safe to 'give it back to him'. Don't take any risks.