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Relationships

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Original poster

How to make life changing decisions?

34 replies

Marluuu · 09/07/2022 11:57

Decision to make: whether to start a family with my partner, or move on.

My partner and I are both 40, we are doing ok but aren’t in love. We are comfortable with each other and loyal. He thinks we are ‘good enough’ to settle down together and start a family.

If I was in my 20s or even early 30s, I would move on and look for love. But I’m 40, and if I want children, realistically it’s now and with him, or it just won’t be.

So it’s pretty much a life changing decision either way.

He is a good guy and would help bringing up our child, and we are doing alright financially.

My view on the children question is that I didn’t want them when I was young, I then became a ‘maybe’ in my 30s, and a ‘strong maybe’ in the past 6 months. That makes me think I might regret not having them in a few years time (but who knows, I might also be a happy, child free single woman living my best life…).

Option 1: I settle with my ‘good enough’ relationship and we have a child.

Option 2: move on, be single, maybe find love or not, and accept to have a life without children (honestly, i was a long term single before finding my current partner, I’m quite shy and meeting/trusting people isn’t easy for me, so the chances that I’d find myself in a relationship stable enough to consider children within say 3 years to still have a theoretical chance of children are slim at best).

I tried working with a life coach to sort this out but it didn’t really help. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and what did you do to decide?

OP posts:

CrazyRatLover · 09/07/2022 12:02

No brainer - absolutely don't bring a child into a loveless relationship. The best thing is trying to have a positive mindset for the future, you never know what might come your way.

coffi123 · 09/07/2022 12:35

It's a tricky situation, I can sympathise because I also recently questioned my relationship...no real advice I'm afraid, but one thing I recently learned about fear of regret: whatever we do in life, there is always a 'what if'. But we can't let this little voice in our head dominate our lives. Having children will have its good and bad moments, and so does not having children. Same with staying in the relationship or being single...try not to worry too much about regrets, once you made your decision you need to embrace it, and accept the good and the bad that inevitably comes with it.

RandomMess · 09/07/2022 12:47

Honestly your strong desire to have a baby/DC now is probably hormones. They run bloody rampant towards the end of your fertility.

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 12:49

Don’t go with ok, move on, for both of your sake.

BEAM123 · 09/07/2022 12:54

As a PP said, if you weren't sure about having kids when you were younger, it's probably your hormones making you a little broody now. They have a way of making themselves heard very loudly when you are at last chance saloon.
How long do you think you can live like a friend in a relationship? What are your relationship expectations? If you are from a culture that goes for arranged, or more pragmatic, marriages you may have less expectations around romance and be ok. If you are not, part of you may always be waiting for the big love story.

KosherDill · 09/07/2022 13:01

Option 2. No question.

Hotnashsummerday · 09/07/2022 13:50

Option 2. Its not fair on either of you to stay in a relationship without love, and it's especially unfair on any DC.

godmum56 · 09/07/2022 13:53

"good enough" is NOT good enough! "strong maybe" isn't good enough!

D0lphine · 09/07/2022 14:02

Don't have a baby with him. Would you have a baby alone? Is that an option?

barbrahunter · 09/07/2022 14:05

Couldn't you do a sort of midway thing? You could have a baby but both stay living in your own places (unless of course you already live together) and he could be heavily involved in the raising of your child? Not saying it's ideal but frankly nothing in this world is ideal.

Musttryharder2021 · 09/07/2022 14:15

With all due respect, being 40 your chances of conceiving are likely to be diminished. For realistic expectations look up conception rates on the NHS website. Of course nobody knows what your fertility is, but egg quality declines significantly pin your 30s/late 30s. Your partner being in the same age bracket too, doesn't bode too well fertility wise. Chromosomal abnormalities are more common as well as miscarriages (female and male factor). You and your partner ought to get a fertility MOT (usually available for a few ££ at a private clinic) so that you get an idea of your current fertility status.

perimenofertility · 09/07/2022 14:21

Regardless of the issue of children, settling for "good enough" for life (or at least the next 15 years or so) isn't going to work. Because if you're not in love, eventually one or both of you is going to meet someone else, fall in love and move on. Based on what you say about meeting people, it seems likely that it's him that will fall in love and go first. How would you feel about that scenario? Single parent probably sharing custody.
If the idea of that doesn't put you off, you could consider splitting now and have a baby together as committed equal parents and friends who accept each other will have a new relationship. Or try for a baby yourself with a donor.
But don't condemn yourself to a loveless existence that will inevitably break down.

flashbac · 09/07/2022 14:24

Good blokes are hard to come by. If he's considerate and you like being in each other's company I would try for the baby, before it's too late.
If you can't stand each other then don't, obviously.
Fertility declines heavily at this age anyway. There's no guarantee you will get pregnant so you need to get a move on if you want a baby.

Original poster

Marluuu · 09/07/2022 14:40

Thank you for the opinions! Yes, understand that being in a relationship with someone that’s more a friend than romantic interest is not ideal. I have no doubt that both of us would absolutely love the child if we had one. I don’t really think he would move on and find someone else either, we both share strong family values and we both had bad experiences with dating before, so are not that excited by the thought of trying to meet someone new. I guess that’s why our friendship-like relationship worked so far. (We do have sex occasionally and hugs/cuddles regularly, it’s good, fulfills my needs for physical attention). Just the spark is missing really, and we are different people with different interests. But he’s a good guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marluuu · 09/07/2022 15:08

To answer the question whether I would intentionally have a child on my own: no, I would want to share this with a partner. If I was single right now, I’d make my peace with the thought that I’ll never have children. But I could cope if I had children and then the relationship breaks down because I have a lot of family support.

OP posts:

Mahanii · 09/07/2022 15:19

I have children and they are the one constant in my life. My relationship broke down, my job situation is changing, my friends and family are in and out depending on their own circumstances, but my beloved children are with me for life. Knowing this now, I'd have the child.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 09/07/2022 15:42

I had a friend, living with a nice guy who she didn’t think was ‘the one’, who asked herself the same question. She got pregnant and everything worked out well for them all. She doesn’t think sexual attraction is the biggest thing in a marriage, though for her and dp it grew stronger with time.

i had this possibility but didn’t act on it. I’ve always regretted not having children. At 40, I would choose option 1.

RandomMess · 09/07/2022 15:53

Tbh it sounds like my marriage after 20 odd years and what is important to me in my 40s is very different to 10-15 years ago.

Someone kind, generous with what they have (time, skills, thoughts not just money), a true partner that pulls their weight are major major things.

Affection is key as attraction can wax and wane. You need a very honest conversation if you both feel the same about your level of sex, whether you are happy to have separate lives and interests. If you had DC would you sacrifice his hobbies etc or is he expecting it all on the mother?

alwayslearning789 · 09/07/2022 16:16

flashbac · 09/07/2022 14:24

This ^

Time is ticking and unfortunately not on your side.

Have the baby if you seriously want one before the fertility decline makes it not possible.

User1406 · 09/07/2022 21:28

If you're hoping for the perfect happy family, you're just not going to get that with him.

However, if you are both keen to be parents, have you thought about co-parenting as friends?

Nomorefuckstogive · 10/07/2022 00:04

I went for option 1. I had DD and she is amazing, so no regrets there. However, fast forward 17 years and I want a new life alone or with someone else. This may happen to you, or your love for him may grow stronger. I made the right decision for me at the time, but I’ve always had ‘what if?’ moments. Follow your gut.

Sandra1984 · 10/07/2022 00:14

If he’s a good partner, kind and you believe he would be a great father, share the load of a child and be there financially, plus be supportive I would have the child if you want it so bad. The worst that can happen is you two separate further down the line on good terms and keep being great parents to your child. You might even find the love of your life as a single mother, who knows.
life is short and your biological click is ticking loud. Who cares if you’re not in love now.

savethatkitty · 10/07/2022 00:22

Life is too short to be in a loveless relationship. If you have a child with this man, is that the example you want to set? All the best, it's a difficult decision.

Miajk · 10/07/2022 00:37

Children aren't stupid, it's disfunctional to have a family set up like this.

Its so, so horribly selfish to being a child into the world just because you want to, if you know the circumstances will not be good for the child.

Sincerely, a child of a loveless relationship.

ClaryFairchild · 10/07/2022 01:05

Honestly? Completely selfishly I think I would have the DC. If you are happy together you could well stay that way. God knows enough marriages/relationships fail anyway.

But that is not the accepted "true love above all else" mantra.

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