How to make life changing decisions?

[Marluuu]

Decision to make: whether to start a family with my partner, or move on.

My partner and I are both 40, we are doing ok but aren’t in love. We are comfortable with each other and loyal. He thinks we are ‘good enough’ to settle down together and start a family.

If I was in my 20s or even early 30s, I would move on and look for love. But I’m 40, and if I want children, realistically it’s now and with him, or it just won’t be.

So it’s pretty much a life changing decision either way.

He is a good guy and would help bringing up our child, and we are doing alright financially.

My view on the children question is that I didn’t want them when I was young, I then became a ‘maybe’ in my 30s, and a ‘strong maybe’ in the past 6 months. That makes me think I might regret not having them in a few years time (but who knows, I might also be a happy, child free single woman living my best life…).

Option 1: I settle with my ‘good enough’ relationship and we have a child.

Option 2: move on, be single, maybe find love or not, and accept to have a life without children (honestly, i was a long term single before finding my current partner, I’m quite shy and meeting/trusting people isn’t easy for me, so the chances that I’d find myself in a relationship stable enough to consider children within say 3 years to still have a theoretical chance of children are slim at best).

I tried working with a life coach to sort this out but it didn’t really help. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and what did you do to decide?

If you haven’t wanted children and you’re still at a maybe stage then I wouldn’t settle down and start a family with a man who you don’t have a spark with and you don’t share common interests with. I would much rather be on my own than with the wrong person.

I’ve always wanted children and had I reached the stage you’re at, I probably would have decided to settle with him or looked at sperm donation. But having kids is the one thing that I always wanted since I was a child myself.

im in my 50s and I’ve got childless friends and they’re really happy.

I went for option 1. He is a great dad, we are a really good team.
it is tough sometimes wondering if the spark could have been there more strongly with someone else but day to day I am happy, we made a great life together and our ds brings us loads of joy.

id go for it tbh. Yes my child free friends have loads of sleep, time and adventures but I have a little boy who is my world. Both are good lives :)

I was also ambivalent about children till mid thirties. So glad I didn’t leave it too late.

Kira I'd people "settle" as the alternative is either being childless not by choice or single not by choice. Attraction(fanny gallops) will wear off once the honeymoon is over and domestic drudgery sets in.

What's important to you @Marluuu

*Lots of people

Strong family values, yet you're thinking of having a baby out of marriage with a man you aren't that interested in. That's not strong family values really, that's a step up from a one night stand that led to a baby.

You have no idea if he will be a good dad. He's not even a good partner from the sounds of it, so a good father could easily not be the case either. What if he gets nervous about it when you're pregnant and runs off? That happens in stable secure relationships, yours is 'good enough'. What will you do then if left on your own? You have to understand that is a possibility.

As others have said too, the child will know it's a loveless relationship. The stress of having a baby is enough to break strong couples, with the lack of sleep, the money worries, the overall stress. You're already in a weak relationship, the stress could make it break. It might not of course, maybe you will muddle through, but you don't know if it will.

Go into it with your eyes open, not rose coloured, and assume the worst. At least then you're not surprised and you have a plan for it happening.

I appreciate all the opinions. I wonder whether a relationship without any arguments, a strong friendship and high mutual respect is really ‘dysfunctional’ though. I know couples who are supposedly in love but argue all the time, and I don’t think a child would be worse off with me and my partner. I agree that I don’t have a fairytale love story, but I could give a child a solid loving upbringing.

I think it depends how badly you want to have a baby, or at least to try for one. As has been said, fertility declines rapidly at you age so you have no time to lose. l think if you have a strong partnership and he is a kind man who is supportive, and totally on board with sharing everything that parenting involves, then l would try for a baby. After all there are no guarantees in life, and so many marriages/relationships break down anyway! Both of you are at least are going into this with your eyes wide open, and there is always the option of shared parenting if you do separate in the future. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Fairytale love stories are all bullshit. In the real world a solid relationship is worth making a go of it.

As someone for whom a child came along at the last minute

think about the latter option and the fact it’s just you then

I’m glad my child came along. it’s the only good thing he did for me. I’m grateful

is your last chance
I think the right thing is to not have kids with him but it’s devastating to be left without a family