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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

bf out cycling all the time- I'm so bored !

78 replies

ilovesummers · 09/07/2022 11:31

my bestie jokingly said "he's lucky u let him out so much all the time" I don't even let our dogs out that much.
I was explaining to her that my bf is obsessed with his cycling hobby. More than obsessed. Mental more like.

He cycles to work 12 plus miles each way !
Cycles on some evenings and does like nearly 80 miles on weekends with his mates around trails etc then hits the lodge or pub where they drink. He spends summers in Italy France where I think the Alps are. By his own admission says the ferry back from Ireland is a chance for a "good pish up".
We are both under 30 under have no children but I am looking forward to kids but what kind of dad will he be.
I knew he was cycling obsessed on our first date when he turned up in his cycling gear.
But this is just an obsession surely we all have hobbies like I do spin and run. But with my oh it's always something a scouts thing, charity thing some fricking flaming cycling memorial ride for some cyclist who died.. at home he has the tour de France or something on or the cycling channel. Gosh !
I punctured his tire a few months ago as I was so annoyed.
Some weekends I'm alone like an old lady in an armchair watching Columbo! So bored
What to do please 🥺

OP posts:

MissMaple82 · 09/07/2022 12:40

Ditch the lycra clad loon!

TheOGCCL · 09/07/2022 12:41

I'd be concerned if I was suggesting things to do together and he was saying he was unavailable all the time so I'd be testing that as PP said. Whilst you have no children, I think it's perfectly fine for each person to have passions and hobbies and not live in each other's pockets so another thing to think about is what you could be doing instead of watching Columbo. With kids its a different ball game as you both need to devote an inordinate amount of time to babies and young children and this needs to be approximately equal or you will feel very frustrated. There are endless posts on here from women carrying all the mental load and doing far too much. I suspect in many cases the type of father the bloke would make was very obvious beforehand.

AlisonDonut · 09/07/2022 12:45

What sort of dad would he be? An absent one, obviously.

Imagine sitting on that chair with with 2 kids to look after on your own. That's what it will be like.

KosherDill · 09/07/2022 12:54

roarfeckingroarr · 09/07/2022 11:34

Leave. He won't change and you'll be miserable and resentful if you have kids.

This.

DontLikeCoffee · 09/07/2022 13:00

This is how he is and it’s how he will be if you have children. Don’t have kids ‘hoping’ he’ll change.

There are countless threads on here from women whose DH’s are off cycling every weekend and leaving them with the kids. It’s a lonely existence. Don’t let it be you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/07/2022 13:10

if he turned up in his cycling gear on your first date, I’m amazed there was a second one

Oh, I don't know, it at least gives you an idea of the merchandise in advance...

An ex was one of those few men who actually looked really good in cycle shorts - because he was in a physical job and cycled to and from it every day on his mountain bike.

2bazookas · 09/07/2022 13:22

Get a life of your own and don't be so vindictive.

Sparkesy · 09/07/2022 13:27

It will get worse OP.
You are early ish in your relationship and you already feel like this
Seriously, I wish I'd acted sooner as we have been married for nearly 20 years and it's got worse over the years.
Why would he change? He gets the best of all worlds, you picking up the slack and providing a home life whilst he gets to continue his fun without you. If you go on to have children together be prepared for your dissatisfaction and unhappiness to increase.
It's selfish
Unless you want to join him and match his obsession think very carefully if you want a life of this

dottiedodah · 09/07/2022 13:28

I think you are unsuited really.Cycling seems to be one of those hobbies that becomes all consuming .This is no life for anyone ,let alone a young woman in her late 20s. Bloody hell I used to watch Colombo with my Nan! I would be looking around for someone who actually wants a RL with you ,not cycling with his mates!

getupstandupsitdown · 09/07/2022 13:28

I don't think it's working for you. You want more from a relationship- he's happy with the status quo. You need to make it very clear what your thoughts are and see what his response is.

Hawkins001 · 09/07/2022 13:32

ilovesummers · 09/07/2022 11:47

I'm sure thousands of Brits cycle it wouldn't identify anyone ? Well i found it funny actually him turning up in his lycra shorts at this Italian. He is funny, travelled a lot, intelligent, brainy etc all appealed to me.
I don't want to cause a rift yet unless theirs a solution

Show quote history

From my analysis

If you have kids, sounds like his hobbies will still be priority.

His cycling, sounds like for the foreseeable, he will be quite active with it, so unless you have your own hobby, or have an affair then it is what it is, really.

All the best and positivity op

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 09/07/2022 13:37

How much have you actually discussed it with him? It sounds as though you do spend quite a bit of time together otherwise, but you want more..
so - decide what you want, discuss and see if your plans/desires etc are compatible.
My dh goes out twice a week all day with his cycling club but our child is 12 so not dependent like a small child would be. I quite like it when he’s out then as I find things to do either alone or with dd. It suits us but obviously it’s not for everyone.

SausageAndCash · 09/07/2022 13:37

Hmmm, well if you spend Sundays together and holidays, and time in the week that doesn’t sound too bad.

If I had a DP who was bored on Saturdays because I was doing my hobby, I would consider that needy. You do need to take responsibly for your own time.

However… as a cautionary tale, there was a woman a few years ago who planned (with her DH) a family cycling holiday in the alps, all cycling on mountain bikes which she and kids enjoyed.

Then… without asking her, he invited his road cycling buddy. Said he would be spending lots of days extreme road cycling with buddy, and furthermore that meant he had to take his road bike and off road… which meant there wasn’t room for the OP’s bike on the rack. ‘Oh you can hire one’ was the answer.

If this could be you in 5 years time, do some hard thinking.

Badger1970 · 09/07/2022 13:38

A relative is an obsessive cyclist, and chose a career over professional cycling.......... but his DC are even worse than he is, and his lovely wife gets to spend every single weekend driving round the country for them to attend time trials/races and their whole house is like a cycle factory. She has no life of her own, she's just their driver and support system. I honestly don't know how she does it and she does moan rather a lot........

This could be your future, OP. Maybe just accept that you're not compatible??

forrestgreen · 09/07/2022 14:03

Have you asked him what kind of dad he wants to be/how he sees his life changing for a family.

Should tell you a lot/especially if he looks at you blankly!

virgospirit · 09/07/2022 14:12

guy here. Im a keen cyclist but don’t do even half of those distances. I ride about 35miles a week going back & forth to work, the shops and my girlfriends house (she’s only a mile away) plus I ride about 25-30miles local cross country from my door on a Sunday. I also enjoy building & maintaining my own bikes.
tbh i want to be with my girlfriend pretty much whenever it’s convenient for us both, what with work and everything. my Sunday afternoons out cycling help to make sure we can both keep our own interests as she likes to go off to do her own thing too.
im also conscious not to tire myself out too much as I don’t want to be falling asleep, tired & knackered whilst we’ are spending time together.
Im sorry but it seems like you’re not really in this guys calendar. After all that cycling is he even in a fit state for anything else? Btw Im 53 and not 25 anymore!

PancakeB0atryde · 09/07/2022 14:17

You Punctured his tyre
That didn't make him want to spend more time with you

You are unhappy
You are bored
You are 30

End the relationship today
Find someone who wants to spend time with you & have a family in the future

Bloodyusernamechange · 09/07/2022 14:21

Join him cycling - or dump him! If you have kids he'll resent giving up his hobby for them.
TBH the writing was on the wall when he turned up for your first date wearing cycling gear! 🚴‍♂️

skinhappy · 09/07/2022 14:38

Look, you have different views of a relationship. Actually when you say how much time you spend together, that would suit a lot of people without young children. You both get a day a week to do your own thing, and a day together.

He’s not really being u reasonable here. Neither are you. But you are each looking for something different.

Herejustforthisone · 09/07/2022 15:17

He sounds boring as shit.

isthismylifenow · 09/07/2022 15:25

Puncturing his tyre isn't OK... Does he know it was you?

Has he ever asked you to join him on a cycle?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 09/07/2022 15:41

There's a cycling channel? Didn't know that!

He wouldn't be for me OP, and it doesn't sound like he'll change, so I would end it.

IfYouOnlyKnew · 09/07/2022 16:03

I had a bf like this in my 20s, I got rid in the end. Cycling always came first, wouldn’t come with me to an important family event as he ‘might’ be cycling that weekend, he didn’t even have a definite plan. That was the final straw and I ended it. Never regretted it!

Darktimes35 · 09/07/2022 16:15

Have you talked to him? What did he say? He might calm down when you have kids but he might continue with the same level of obsessiveness.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 09/07/2022 16:30

he's telling you who he is. why aren't you listening?

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