Did anyone end up with a decent/professional/loving man when you were a single parent?

[SoRnsld]

I am a single mum to a little boy and I can’t imagine ever meeting anyone again. I’m 35 so not getting younger. I would love a family unit but I am in a professional job and relatively high earner. I feel like I will never meet anyone in the circles I am in and will forever be left out. I would happily date any nice man, it’s not about their job, but I’m just conscious that I only tend to meet people through work and extensions of people/friends I know in similar jobs.

How did you meet?

Why would anyone want a random man to parent their children? Yes, the man will stop being 'random' after a while, but why any mother would want to introduce that paradigm? And unless adopted, the man has no legal obligation to care for their children if there is the relationship breaks down. It's a huge risk considering the children have in most cases already experienced one relationship breakdown.

Yes I did. I was a bit older than you are (a few years) and met him through work. That was a long time ago now and we are very much all a family. I was happily single and always felt that me and DC were a complete family without a man, but he has enriched mine and DC's lives, and vice versa I think!

@xfan

What absolute rubbish.

Why would anyone choose any man to have a child with if that's your approach? It's a huge risk, as I found out. My first dh was a lovely man who I thought would be a wonderful parent but he wasn't and my life with him after having children was dire.
I've seen it happen so many times and there are certainly many truly depressing threads on here too!

Why would I want a random man to parent my dc? Well by the time I introduced them we had been together for a while and believe me it was a very long time before he became anything that resembled a 'parent' He was far from 'random' I was extremely cautious.
Ironically in our friendship circle he is regarded as the best of all the Dads and my friends have always felt envious of how much of a committed Dad he is.

Yes, I did. We met through a dating app and we got married a couple of years ago, four years after we met. He has an interesting professional job in STEM but I earn roughly double his (very decent) salary. He makes me laugh every day and the children adore him. They were 4 and 6 when I met him.

Sadly no, I thought I had but both turned out to be dishonest in different ways. Single parent now for 10 years and can't imagine that changing

Maybe a lot of women feel ashamed that the family unit has broken down and must be "re-enacted" by having a new partner at as the 'Dad'

Nope.

I did. I was 29 and left with 2 children under 2 by my ExH.

Met now DH a year later, he had been single for a decade, focused on his career. Met on you're chance. Married 2 years later and now have a child together.

Similar here. My ex husband had an affair and I met my dp online after a few 'nice' but not nice enough dates with other men.

I was realistic though...I was 40 with two children and didn't expect to meet someone 'baggage' (sorry - I hate that term) free or without their own life experiences. Not many people my age are single just because they have been waiting for the right person.

My dp and I have been together 3 years now and have only just started talking about potentially living together in the next few years if things continue to go well. He is not perfect, but neither am I. He does love me and treat me with respect and care though, which I realised is what's most important.

Single mum of three, I did. He was a bit high maintenance though so I ended it, I'm much happier alone.

I'm also intrigued why any man who doesn't have his own children would be willing to parent someone else's, especially if they "weren't bothered about having their own. I've never understood that one.

I did at 45. We have been together 7 years this summer . At the time we met my DC were 8 and 12.

He also has children which helps I think as he understands that they always come first.
He is a good man who treats us all with love kindness and respect, I count myself lucky to have him in my and my DCs lives.

I didn't expect this, nor was I looking particularly after such a horrible experience with my exDH _ however it does happen, but don't settle for anything less than you and your children deserve.

I can't speak for everyone but here's my experience. DH is brilliant with children but has openly said that parenting a baby/toddler looks relentless and boring. He was perfectly happy to skip that life experience and I can't really fault him for that as I have no desire to repeat it either!

You may not want to repeat it but you wouldn't choose not to have children because a particular development stage appears "boring"? I'd find that level of self-selecting odd. Who is to say the next level of development won't be difficult? What is he going to do then?

Well he's committed now, as am I. Although I'm sure I'll be having thoughts about boarding school at points during the teenager years!

Someone asked above why any 'random man' would want to parent someone else's children. I clearly can't speak for everyone but combining our two families has hugely enriched both mine and my partner's lives. He has a fantastic relationship with my daughter and I with his. We took it slowly and carefully, and there were a few hiccups along the way, but we have been a family now for many years. Parenting really isn't all biological (my dd's dad is/was crap and unreliable).

Nope.

What a weird take. It's none of your business why someone would or wouldn't choose to have children.

I don't particularly want my own for multiple reasons, but I wouldn't rule out marrying a man with children, especially if they were older and more independent. I don't dislike children but I don't want the responsibility of having my own. Why wouldn't some men think along the same lines?

Well, zonky, it's a good job the many people who adopt and foster don't share your lack of understanding, isn't it? Speaking from my own experience, my DH married me and adopted my son after we'd been together five years. He loved us both, and we became a family. Very simple really. We did discuss having another child, but we weren't spring chickens by that point (I was 43-ish, he was 38), we were both working pretty hard, and the prospect of 'starting again' wasn't very appealing. We agreed that the ageing that accompanies the hard work of parenting wasn't something we were up for. Also - to be blunt - we both want quite a lot out of life in material terms - nice house, lots of choices around work and education, good holidays, - and these were easier goals with one child.

There now, does that help your understanding a bit? FWIW, I think people whose departure point is, 'I've never understood that one', when talking about something that people everywhere do, should just try a bit harder.

A few success stories doesn't rule out the multitude of failed step parenting stories. Just hop on the step parenting board on MN, it makes for a very sobering read.

Or indeed the many stories of 'failure' (in your terms) of marriages and 'biological' parenting, where parents 'check out' of childcare and family responsibilities, or the NRP, post-divorce, declines to be a diligent and loving parent. The fact is, all relationships carry a risk of breakdown. Marriage and shared chromosomes aren't guarantees of anything.

Marriage certainly isn't a guarantee correct but since it has failed once, bringing a new entity (new partner) into the mix just exacerbates the potential of it going wrong. I guess some women are determined to 'get' a new partner at any cost to create a family unit.

Yes, When I was 37 and my DC were 6 and 8.
Met on a night out in December then bumped into each other 6 months later and started seeing each other.
Moved in together after 3 years, Just had a baby together and will get married at some point.

This is lovely to hear. Nice to hear a happy story!

I was just about to say OP I've felt similar to you and still single and wondered the same thing! I wouldn't write off online dating... I'm not a huge fan but recently chatting to a nice guy! There's hope and if don't try it you will never know.