Page 2 | Was he 'negging' me?

Heytheredeliah · 2022-07-08T13:09:26+00:00

Hi I have been on a few dates with a guy I met on a dating app. He has talked a lot about his ex. I am not really sure why he was telling me all about her because I didn't ask and I wasn't really that interested. He said she was very beautiful, very intelligent, and very caring. The way he talked about her made it seem like she was something extraordinary. I mean that he really built her up into some kind of wonder woman or something. By that point, I was curious to see what she was like, so I looked her up on social media. I found her Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn profiles. I know this sounds nasty, but I really didn't think she looked anything special. Do you think he was saying all of that about her to 'neg' me?

IncompleteSenten · 08/07/2022 16:30

Sounds like she was and still is special to him.

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 16:41

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 16:25

I am not trying to be nasty. I am giving my opinion and saying why I am confused about why he was so infatuated with her.

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Why would you presume to understand what one person finds attractive in another? Do you think you have the deciding vote on what is or isn't attractive? It is actually quite nasty to just deem someone not to be attractive, because you don't think they are. You're not the authority on the subject.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 16:48

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 16:41

Why would you presume to understand what one person finds attractive in another? Do you think you have the deciding vote on what is or isn't attractive? It is actually quite nasty to just deem someone not to be attractive, because you don't think they are. You're not the authority on the subject.

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No, I don't that I have the deciding vote on who is attractive or not. The way he talked about her made me think she would be a startling beauty (not beauty is in the eye of the beholder, just beauty that you can't argue with). When someone really builds something/someone up to be amazing and when you see or experience it/them and find that it/them is nothing particularly special, obviously I am going to be confused.

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Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 17:06

obviously I am going to be confused

It's not obvious at all. People pretty much unanimously accept that everybody sees beauty differently, and that beauty that you can't argue with doesn't exist.
Even people who are found attractive by lots of people (films stars etc) have people who don't find them attractive. There's no 'uniform' view on this, and it's strange that you think there is.

If he thinks she's attractive, then she is attractive to him.

The question, really, is why are you spending your time wondering about this? Have you nothing better to do than think about the hidden workings of the mind of someone you barely know and don't want to see again?

IncompleteSenten · 08/07/2022 17:07

When someone is a really beautiful person it shines through and makes them look stunning.
You're only seeing the face.
He saw the person.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 17:33

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 17:06

obviously I am going to be confused

It's not obvious at all. People pretty much unanimously accept that everybody sees beauty differently, and that beauty that you can't argue with doesn't exist.
Even people who are found attractive by lots of people (films stars etc) have people who don't find them attractive. There's no 'uniform' view on this, and it's strange that you think there is.

If he thinks she's attractive, then she is attractive to him.

The question, really, is why are you spending your time wondering about this? Have you nothing better to do than think about the hidden workings of the mind of someone you barely know and don't want to see again?

The reason I am wondering is because I don't understand what he saw in her that he didn't see in me

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ShahRukhKhan · 08/07/2022 17:45

Oh OP, you can tie yourself in knots trying to work out why someone doesn't appreciate you, or why they appreciate someone else more. There are no answers. It could be a matter of taste, or 'pearls before swine' etc. Just ditch this guy and find someone who does appreciate you.

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 17:48

The reason I am wondering is because I don't understand what he saw in her that he didn't see in me

But why? Why does his opinion of whether she is more attractive than you matter? He's just some bloke. His opinion doesn't mean that she is more attractive than you. It's not for him to say who is most attractive; who do you think he is? Why are you giving him such importance?

The question that will really help you is what do you think of you?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 08/07/2022 17:58

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 14:55

What I don't get is why he was/is so infatuated with her. She doesn't appear to be anything special. I have LinkedIn and Instagram and I know a stunningly beautiful, successful woman when I see one. She didn't appear to be that.

That’s pretty unpleasant to be fair! I’m nothing special to look at but I know my ex would still say that I was beautiful, kind and caring if asked. We split due to some fundamental incompatibilities and wanting different things from the future. He has no interest in getting back with me (I know this because I practically begged him to ) but I would hope he would still say nice things about me. I’d prefer someone who said that rather than saying she was ugly and a bitch!

When I was talking to a new guy on the phone he asked about my ex and when I told him some things he said “oh I bet he also did xyz etc” and I said “no, to be fair he was lovely, very generous, always said nice things to me, we had a great few years, it was just this one area that was a deal breaker for me”.

We didn’t speak again after that, but if that was the reason, I don’t care, because I wasn’t going to lie and badmouth my ex to make a stranger feel better!

wellhelloitsme · 08/07/2022 18:10

The reason I am wondering is because I don't understand what he saw in her that he didn't see in me

Maybe she's a genuinely really lovely, very kind person and he just doesn't know you that well yet? It's not an insult to you that he knows someone else is an amazing person. You two don't know each other that well yet.

You aren't covering yourself in glory the way you speak about her / other women in general tbh though OP. Deciding from her social media picture (entirely different to being around the actual person and their energy, voice, laugh, kindness etc) that she isn't as great as he says is a pretty dickish thing to admit!

I agree he doesn't sound ready to date if he really talks about her as much as you say but if you're giving it this much headspace and it's this annoying then just stop seeing him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 18:17

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 17:48

The reason I am wondering is because I don't understand what he saw in her that he didn't see in me

But why? Why does his opinion of whether she is more attractive than you matter? He's just some bloke. His opinion doesn't mean that she is more attractive than you. It's not for him to say who is most attractive; who do you think he is? Why are you giving him such importance?

The question that will really help you is what do you think of you?

I don't know how to explain it. It was like when someone is trying to get you to buy something by telling you how amazing it is. Bad explanation, I know. It was like he kept going on about how amazing she was in order to make me jealous or like I would have big shoes to fill.

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cafcass123 · 08/07/2022 18:19

As PP stated 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. It really is. I remember years ago a man I knew relating a story of how he had found a person (he didn't say which gender) to be enchantingly beautiful and that they had had a scar on their top lip which mesmerised him. That story struck a chord with me because sometimes a person has that 'something' which enchants us yet which others simply don't 'get'.
Some people have a grace which doesn't really reveal itself in still photos - you have to interact with them in real life to see their beauty.

wellhelloitsme · 08/07/2022 18:22

It was like he kept going on about how amazing she was in order to make me jealous or like I would have big shoes to fill.

But OP if you think that was his motivation then it doesn't matter whether it's true or not.

Your question should be 'do I want to date someone I think tried to make me jealous from day one?', not 'what does his ex have that I don't?'

You're an active participant in this dynamic. It's up to you to decide if you want to date him. You don't need to have information about his ex to decide this.

If you genuinely think he was trying to make you jealous, he's a wanker and therefore not a good bet,

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 18:25

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 08/07/2022 17:58

That’s pretty unpleasant to be fair! I’m nothing special to look at but I know my ex would still say that I was beautiful, kind and caring if asked. We split due to some fundamental incompatibilities and wanting different things from the future. He has no interest in getting back with me (I know this because I practically begged him to ) but I would hope he would still say nice things about me. I’d prefer someone who said that rather than saying she was ugly and a bitch!

When I was talking to a new guy on the phone he asked about my ex and when I told him some things he said “oh I bet he also did xyz etc” and I said “no, to be fair he was lovely, very generous, always said nice things to me, we had a great few years, it was just this one area that was a deal breaker for me”.

We didn’t speak again after that, but if that was the reason, I don’t care, because I wasn’t going to lie and badmouth my ex to make a stranger feel better!

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If he had just said that she was beautiful and caring, I would have thought 'oh he was keen on her' but he really emphasised that she was stunningly beautiful, ultra successful and caring. I had such a built up image of her that I was confused when I saw her pictures and looked at her LinkedIn profile. I am really not trying to be nasty, that is just my opinion.

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Holly60 · 08/07/2022 18:27

Either he genuinely feels that way about her or he is doing it to make you feel bad about yourself.

Either way you probably know you have to walk away.

Ultimately it doesn't really matter whether you think she is extraordinary or not. It doesn't even matter if he really thinks she is extraordinary or not. Bottom line is, this is going nowhere. Don't waste any more time thinking about it.

cafcass123 · 08/07/2022 18:28

In your OP you said that he said she was very intelligent. Are you just inferring that he meant successful in business?
I think it unlikely he would have mentioned the caring side if his motivation was to make you jealous or make you put in more effort. I think a man who would do this would focus on the exterior appearance of a woman and not on her intrinsic qualities, but I could be wrong.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 18:32

cafcass123 · 08/07/2022 18:28

In your OP you said that he said she was very intelligent. Are you just inferring that he meant successful in business?
I think it unlikely he would have mentioned the caring side if his motivation was to make you jealous or make you put in more effort. I think a man who would do this would focus on the exterior appearance of a woman and not on her intrinsic qualities, but I could be wrong.

@cafcass123 Yes he said she was very intelligent and successful career wise. When I saw her job, I was a bit confused.

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cafcass123 · 08/07/2022 18:34

Maybe she had a successful job in the past?!
I can understand your frustration though OP. It does sound odd that he should mention her if you haven't asked about her.

Original poster

Heytheredeliah · 08/07/2022 18:38

cafcass123 · 08/07/2022 18:34

Maybe she had a successful job in the past?!
I can understand your frustration though OP. It does sound odd that he should mention her if you haven't asked about her.

@cafcass123 I looked at her work history she didn't have a successful job in the past.

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/07/2022 18:46

Maybe she's a really lovely person and he sees a lot in her. You're not seeming like the nicest person atm tbh, you're saying she's nothing special and not particularly successful. Maybe she's got a better personality than you.

Beamur · 08/07/2022 18:49

You're really focusing on the wrong things here.
She's an ex. Stop looking at her stuff and comparing yourself.
He's on a date with you and talking about his ex. That's shit. That's all you need to know.
It's at best rude, at worse negging or he's still hung up on her.
Seriously, drop this one and move on. Don't waste your time.

Thefriendlymoth · 08/07/2022 18:55

I think he clearly isn’t over her but I think you seem kind of mean to write her off as “nothing special” based on a viewing of her social media. Putting other women down this way is just horrible.

Watchkeys · 08/07/2022 19:18

It was like he kept going on about how amazing she was in order to make me jealous or like I would have big shoes to fill

He's not nice. Why do you need to agree with him on his opinion of her?

wellhelloitsme · 08/07/2022 19:43

It was like he kept going on about how amazing she was in order to make me jealous or like I would have big shoes to fill.

But OP if you think that was his motivation then it doesn't matter whether it's true or not.

Your question should be 'do I want to date someone I think tried to make me jealous from day one?', not 'what does his ex have that I don't?'

You're an active participant in this dynamic. It's up to you to decide if you want to date him. You don't need to have information about his ex to decide this.

If you genuinely think he was trying to make you jealous, he's a wanker and therefore not a good bet,

DatingDinosaur · 08/07/2022 20:14

“It was like he kept going on about how amazing she was in order to make me jealous or like I would have big shoes to fill.”

Well there’s your answer then.

Have you asked him why he bangs on about his wonderful ex so much with a new potential partner?

Remember, you are not her and if he IS hoping you’ll become a jealous replica of her then that still tells you he’s still in love with HER and isn’t ready to move on yet.

The question is – can you be arsed to be somebody you’re not to impress a man who wants somebody else? (your answer will say a lot about your self-esteem)

Or do you want to obsess about his ex as much as he is?