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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband texting my best friend

36 replies

Infp1987 · 08/07/2022 13:29

My husband was secretly texting my best friend behind my back when our son was 9 months old. What's worse is that he was providing her with emotional support, which is the one thing I want and need from him that he doesn't give me.

It didn't last very long, only a week in total. But it's the lying that I am struggling with. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset. I want to trust him. I just want a loving, safe, honest family. I don't know how to move forward. Wise or practical advice would be greatly appreciated x

OP posts:

PollyDarton1 · 08/07/2022 13:33

Does your husband know your best friend well? When you say he was lying, what was it he lied about and how did you find out?

If your best friend is close to your husband too, and the conversation was very much within the "supportive" category rather than the "inappropriate remarks" category, I wouldn't be overly concerned. If he's lied about doing so, that's a different matter.

It's not great that you feel he hasn't provided you with the emotional support you require - I assume you have asked him to be more forthcoming with this, hence your upset that he's done this for your friend and not you?

Shoxfordian · 08/07/2022 13:42

You’re not going to have a safe loving honest relationship with a man who cheated on you

layladomino · 08/07/2022 13:52

It might have been 'only' for one week, but even if that's true (and if he hasn't done this before with anyone else) - that was a week when you needed his support and he preferred 'supporting' your friend.

You say he doesn't give you emotional support full stop.

Do you feel loved? Supported? Respected? Appreciated? Wanted? Those are all things you should get from your marriage.

YouAreNotBatman · 08/07/2022 13:53

Texting what?
Sex stuff?

Cakecakecheese · 08/07/2022 15:42

It's bad enough that he was doing this but your second sentence is what does it for me. Have you told him that? The fact that he doesn't seem to get it and is minimising what he's done isn't great. Would he agree to marriage councelling? It's going to be hard to move past this if he's not seeing what a betrayal this is as you can't really forgive someone who isn't even sorry.@

AryaStarkWolf · 08/07/2022 15:53

Why was your Best Friend looking for support from you husband rather than you? How does that happen. Also, him not emotionally supporting you is an issue on it's own but him blatantly doing it for a friend of yours is doubly insulting

GreenClock · 08/07/2022 15:59

Was he hoping to have an affair with her, in your opinion?

Are they genuine friends, separate from their connection with you?

How/why did the texting end? Was it because you found out? Did she put a stop to it? Did he stop it?

Floraanddougal · 08/07/2022 16:04

Was it sexual or romantic? I’m assuming so as otherwise it would be fine?

MolliciousIntent · 08/07/2022 16:05

Eh, I'm not sure I could do wound up about the actual texting - I've spent the past month talking to my husband's best friend pretty much every single day as he's going through something massive - but I would be upset that he's giving someone else support that he isn't giving you.

Original poster

Infp1987 · 08/07/2022 19:19

Thank you for the responses everyone x

@PollyDarton1 My husband has only met her maybe 3 times, all with me, and one of those times was at our wedding.

And yes we've had many conversations about why he can't/ won't/ doesn't emotionally support me.

She didn't know that he hadn't told me he was texting her. I found out when randomly one day when she said, "Yeah Matthew gave me the same advice" or something like that and I was very confused and shocked.

@layladomino I don't feel loved, supported, respected, appreciated, wanted or even liked by my husband. He made me feel like the most loved person on earth at the start when we first met.

@Shoxfordian I'm terrified that you're right.

@YouAreNotBatman It was more supportive than romantic but he said some questionable things about me and was very quick to respond to her and clearly loving the interaction. He sent her long lengthy texts.

@Cakecakecheese I totally agree. I've spoken to him about everything and we saw a marriage counsellor but she was very clearly on his side as he told her that he's scared of me. Not sure I would be texting the best friend of someone I'm scared of.

@AryaStarkWolf he texted her offering her his support about baby stuff after having left all of the parenting to me. When I hear myself out loud, this keeps getting worse.

@GreenClock no idea how far he would go with her, it's hard to say because I was shocked he even texted her behind my back. Texting stopped because I found out through her.

@MolliciousIntent Yes, I'm mainly upset that he was giving her what he doesn't give to me, but also that he lied about it and that it was with pretty much my only friend in this world.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 08/07/2022 19:53

OP - I think you are reacting somewhat disproportionally. But at 7mo post partum there are many reasons to do so - accumulated tiredness and stress of having a new baby, etc.
It does sound like there are issues in the marriage. And I am sure you H needs to be there for you and be more helpful and there for you.
But any relationship is made up of two people.
If you went to counselling and he told you he is afraid of you - dismissing what you heard isn’t really the best way to fixing your relationship. Also - assuming counsellor was ‘on your H’s side’ - because they didn’t just side with you is not great either.
Both of you need to be open to hearing each other and looking at yourselves.

You seem to assume all the blame/issues are on your H’s side. It’s unlikely.

As to the texting - he spoke to her about baby stuff… For a week.
Best friends and spouses are the closest people to us - and often they can talk about us the way family members do.

There wasn’t anything in that interaction to warrant this.

Michel123 · 08/07/2022 20:09

Ltb

Michel123 · 08/07/2022 20:15

Just kidding, clearly he was getting off on talking to your friend, i mean how can he even have her no. if only met 3 times? Thats weird and a big red flag that your friend didnt raise the alarm as soon as tbey had contact. Quite frankly neither of them must respect you enough to maintain appropriate etiquette but i geuss if it was just a few messages exchanged then not so much of a big deal. However you should request from your DH what is reasonable in terms of companionship and emotional support and set a boundary for possible future occurance.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2022 20:16

@MMmomDD But she wasn't his best friend, she was hers! You can't make out he had an urge to confide in her when he didn't even know her!

Dullardmullard · 08/07/2022 20:23

You need to go back to counselling alone, see if your relationship is worth saving. As for the other counsellor they shouldn’t be taking sides ever. Plus if he’s scared of you why is he with you is what I’d be asking?

you need to tell him he lied that’s what hurts the most plus he’s a hypocrite too boot over the baby stuff.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 08/07/2022 20:33

There’s a ton of red flags here.

If the texting is something that bothered you he shouldn’t be invalidating your feelings like that. We all have different boundaries but he should respect yours. He shouldn’t attempt to minimise what he’s done but take ownership of it.

Personally, I think he’s really overstepped a line, particularly complaining to her about you, however trivial, and I think that’s a massive breach of trust.

Why did he tell the counsellor that he is scared of you?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 20:36

If he isn't texting your friend, he will be texting someone else. Save yourself years of misery and doubt and get rid of this chancer.

5128gap · 08/07/2022 20:58

If your husband was a naturally supportive person I'd say its nothing. But you're experience is that he isn't. So clearly he was acting out of character in respect of your friend. Maybe just an ego boost to play the White Knight and feel important. But the fact he hid it suggests he may have an interest in her. If its the first time I'd probably give the benefit of the doubt and move on, but I'd rethink how much I trusted him.

MsDogLady · 08/07/2022 23:40

Infp, your H offers you zero care, support or empathy, yet he was secretly investing his emotional energy into your friend. He was reaching out as her rescuer while criticizing you, with an agenda to build intimacy and reliance. And then lied about it.

How ironic that he advised her about parenting when he ignores and neglects his own child. Last fall when your son was nearly 2, you wrote that H would not listen to, speak to, or interact with him unless prompted by you. If you don’t tell H exactly what words to say, he totally stops parenting. You said you feel like a ventriloquist and single parent.

Infp, why are you tolerating this? He is a disengaged Father and Husband who is looking elsewhere. This emotionally unsafe home puts your child at risk for damaged self-esteem and unhealthy future relationships. You deserve a partner who treats you with love, respect and honesty, not one who humiliates you with his detachment, disregard and infidelity.

MMmomDD · 08/07/2022 23:42

@HollowTalk

Do you not know your partner’s best friend? Normally in a relationship - you know them - and they sort of are like extended family.
And clearly it wasn’t some sort of flirting - as they were talking about ‘baby stuff’.

This is not the main issue of the relationship. Neither of them is actually listening to the other. And they aren’t giving each other what their partner needs.
If my partner told me they were afraid of me - (not jokingly, in an actual counselling session) - I’d get concerned and wanted to understand what I do to cause it.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/07/2022 23:56

That is such a shitty thing that he did behind your back. Especially since he was not supporting you or making you feel loved. Yet giving her lots of advice and attention. How did he get her number and why was she texting him back. He sounds like a narcissist and you should never go to counselling with one as they are great at acting and making out you are the issue. Go and talk to someone on our own as he sounds like he gets off on not giving you love and attention. Put yourself and your baby first and give him feck all attention and talk to someone as this will help you to clarify things. I would be angry also and would take me time to forget it. Otherwise do you think he is trustworthy and is he someone you really can see spending the rest of your life with.

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 00:17

MolliciousIntent · 08/07/2022 16:05

Does your husband know or would he be shocked at the fact you've been speaking to each other?

Have you met you husband's friend more than three times?

If not, I think your situation is so far removed from OP's it's not comparable at all.

MolliciousIntent · 09/07/2022 06:30

wellhelloitsme · 09/07/2022 00:17

Does your husband know or would he be shocked at the fact you've been speaking to each other?

Have you met you husband's friend more than three times?

If not, I think your situation is so far removed from OP's it's not comparable at all.

Show quote history

You'll notice I posted before OP gave the additional information

Nugg · 09/07/2022 06:34

How old is your son now? Just wondered how long ago it was and what your friends take on it was - why did she text him about it in the first place?

WTF475878237NC · 09/07/2022 06:37

I'd be very upset at being made aware of my husband offering to someone else what I have asked for and not received, be that emotional support, money, sex, practical help etc. It's the same as never getting round to doing X but offering to go wallpaper someone else's house. I see his behaviour as disrespectful and sending a message that he is not particularly available or invested in your relationship.

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