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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Isolating with Covid, am I mean for not helping him.

56 replies

lilyflower24 · 08/07/2022 08:08

Live with P and have been isolating with covid, P has kept well out of my way, felt rough but luckily it's not been really bad, other than feeling so exhausted, I am WHF, so can't fully rest. P not the greatest of carers, virtually ignored me the whole time, and I've mainly looked after myself, obviously wouldn't want him to be bored been stuck in like me, so it wasn't unexpected when he just carried on doing what he likes to do keeping himself busy, and I have learnt over the years, it's always about his needs and wants as he shouts louder to get his demands met, I hate all that tension, so often back down, standing my ground just makes it last longer and my head is so messed up by the end of it I just want it to stop.

Well yesterday he told me its his sons graduation today, he says he forgot about it, and then said his son only got 2 tickets, one for him and one for his sons mum, they have been over for years, she's got P, as well as me and my P been together for years, so weird his son only got 2 tickets and didn't think about parents partners. It's a 3 hour journey so are all going together of course, my P asked if I'm ok about it, which I said it's his sons graduation and he can't miss it, said it feel a bit awkward but it's not about me.
It will be from late morning till late tonight.

Then last night my P went out till 9:30 doing one of his activities, me of course was stuck in bedroom isolating, he came to the door of the room an hour later, I was drifting off to sleep, and asked me to iron something for him so he can wear the next day at the graduation, I mumbled a yeah, but he then added he could do it himself now, and shut the door. Well confusing this morning he's said he's not happy I didn't offer to help iron, I said I did say I would, he said I didn't! 🤯 he said he's been busy and was tired and then he's now got to work a bit this morning and then go to the graduation and could have done with some offer of help from me!

Am I missing something? I've had over a week of him virtually ignoring me and not been helpful with my situation, yet as he's so busy doing all the things he desires and he's too tired from them he wants me to iron a shirt for him and he's made out I'm the unhelpful one! I said hold on a minute, he's not been very helpful with my situation and has virtually ignored me the whole time, yet you are taking issue because I didn't jump at the chance to iron you a shirt, with that he said he will continue to ignore me and left.

Please help me get my head around this, i didn't even say no to ironing, I just just jump up and down offering to help him, is that so wrong!

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 08/07/2022 08:11

I wouldn’t expect the parent’s partners to go to the graduation.
I think there’s more to this than not ironing a shirt, how’s your relationship usually ?

LIZS · 08/07/2022 08:16

Are things normally this difficult? His shirt, he can iron or could have waited.

Bigsislookingforadvice · 08/07/2022 08:17

Numbers are limited at graduation to 2/3 tickets usually - normally Mom, Dad plus if v lucky a sibling, there partner or grandparent from what seen.
This isn't about a shirt - he's used to you pandering to him as you said and you didn't do it immediately or rush around doing it before he asked he's having a strop. Hold firm and let this be the beginning of him doing more for him and you not bowing to needs/wants

Clymene · 08/07/2022 08:19

Why are you ironing his shirts? What do you get out of this relationship?

But no you can't expect to go to his son's graduation - usually only 2 tickets

Keladrythesaviour · 08/07/2022 08:21

A) graduation tickets are very very limited. You get 2 usually and any extras have to be gained through a ballot which is highly subscribed. Most people don't get more than 2. So it makes sense his parents would go.
B) P sounds like an ass no matter the circumstances
C) why would you iron his shirt if you're isolating from him?

Yodaisawally · 08/07/2022 08:23

Two tickets for graduation is normal

Do you normally iron for him? Knock that on the head.

Why are you isolating?

Spudlet · 08/07/2022 08:23

Graduation tickets are usually limited to two, so no surprise there tbh. Space is normally pretty tight.

The fact that he’s left you to fend for yourself while you’re unwell is pretty shit - DH and I both have covid at the moment and we are trying to look after each other as best we can. Of ever one of us is unwell, the other looks after them - we might not be able to spend every moment sat on the side of the bed but we make sure the unwell person has plenty of whatever they need and check in regularly. That’s what you do when you care about someone.

And he’s quite capable of ironing his own bloody shirt!

brookstar · 08/07/2022 08:23

It's pretty standard to only get two tickets for graduation.

He's a grown man. He can iron his own shirt ... he shouldn't even be asking you let alone asking you when you're ill.

He doesn't sound like an awful person to live with.

layladomino · 08/07/2022 08:24

Why does he expect you to iron? Is he so lazy he won't do it, or so useless that he can't?

Don't over-analyse the graduation thing, since Covid it's fairly normal to limit seats to 2 per student. (One DC graduation a few years ago we had about 8 members of the family there, two since Covid have both been limited to 2).

Igmum · 08/07/2022 08:25

Summer graduations always have pressure on space so two tickets is normal. The rest? He's being vile. Do you want to stay in this relationship?

Original poster

lilyflower24 · 08/07/2022 08:27

I only expecting more tickets available as I know others this year who have took partners and grandparents along, could be the university rules, I don't know.

Relationship has been toxic over the years, I've had help to cope, as I was not in a good place last year, MH was bad, was suffering with Chronic nerve pain, stressful job and P who thinks the world revolves around him, his parents and his adult kids. His mother has played a part in making things awkward for me and my partner.

Btw - I'm the one still keeping on top of the washing and dishwasher! - I go into the kitchen to get food and have to tidy it up because he's left it a mess!

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/07/2022 08:28

Pre covid graduation tickets were restricted to two. It depends on the venue, sometimes there are extras available if take up is lower or it is outside.

ImAvingOops · 08/07/2022 08:31

He sounds awful. You can do better than a petulant, selfish arse. He isn't a partner to you - partners take care of you when you are sick. They don't selfishly carry on as normal and then get pissy because you can't wait on them! You need to raise your hat of what is acceptable in a relationship!

ImAvingOops · 08/07/2022 08:32

Bar, not hat. Bloody autocorrect. But you get the gist

SquirrelSoShiny · 08/07/2022 08:36

He sounds like an arsehole.

RockinHorseShit · 08/07/2022 08:41

He is behaving like a selfish arse. Is he always like this, if so, get shot of him, relationships don't need to be this hard. You deserve better treatment

brookstar · 08/07/2022 08:41

I only expecting more tickets available as I know others this year who have took partners and grandparents along, could be the university rules, I don't know.

It's standard to only get two tickets. You have to apply for extra but if the ceremony is full then there won't be extra tickets. Some universities live stream it so those who can't go into the ceremony can watch it elsewhere on campus

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2022 08:43

He sounds like a twat.

Original poster

lilyflower24 · 08/07/2022 08:49

Thanks for confirming the graduation thing, I did overthink as usually I'm purposely not thought about, my P ex doesn't speak kindly if me, so kids have kept me at arms length over the years, I'm naturally a warm person but it's been hard to get to were we are now, which is still not close, I know they don't want to upset they mother.

The reason his ex doesn't like me is because my partner got with me a couple of months after leaving his ex, she was trying trying to get him back, we cooled it for a bit, but he still wanted to be with me, he wouldn't leave me alone and was so keen on me I was flattered at the time, after 6 months of been bowled over by his charm and falling for him, I saw a side I've never seen before, and I've been seeing that side regularly after that.

OP posts:

misskatamari · 08/07/2022 08:49

Graduation wise, I wouldn't worry. It's often two tickets only, so it is what it is.

Everything else, he sounds horrible. This doesn't sound like a loving relationship, and he doesn't sound like a caring supportive partner. I would seriously be considering if you want to stay in this relationship. What does it add to your life? Do you feel loved, listened to, respected and cared for? If not, why are you with him

Potstip · 08/07/2022 08:50

I'm unsure what you want from this - you've clearly said your relationship is toxic. He's an entitled, selfish arsehole - I can't see anything you can do apart from leave. Things aren't going to improve.

Topseyt123 · 08/07/2022 08:50

Two tickets for a graduation is pretty standard, so one for each of his parents.

Aside from that though, they sound like twats.

curiouslypacific · 08/07/2022 08:51

The graduation thing is a red herring. Your relationship sounds miserable and lacking in even basic respect and kindness from him. He's a bully that gets his way by shouting you into submission.

Perhaps it's time to consider whether you might be happier on your own. Leaving might not be easy, but then living with someone who treats you like this isn't either.

Fishandchipbutty · 08/07/2022 09:04

2 tickets only for graduation is standard.
He can iron his own damn shirt surely (unless he cant use his arms) 🤔 its a basic lifeskill fgs!!
You dont sound supported in this relationship. Time for a chat about what you both want. Personally Id be lining up my ducks ...

Alfiemoon1 · 08/07/2022 09:07

My dd graduation is next week and she could only apply for 2 tickets

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