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Original poster

What is a Normal amount to go out

33 replies

Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 19:42

Hi everyone. I have 3 gorgeous boys, 11, 7 and 6 months. The 6 month old is with a new partner. He's been brilliant with my other two and has an amazing relationship with them. He loves being a dad and is pretty hands on. He also wants to go out and see his friends which is totally fair enough.... my ex husband was never ever around due to work and an alcohol problem so I solo parented and I genuinely don't know what is 'normal' - can you help me? With a 6 month old and the other two bedtimes are hard work and I'm still recovering from a very bad pregnancy most of which I spent in hospital. I really don't mind him going out obviously but what's a usual amount to do that, solo? We do get out for dinner together at least once a month. But on his own is it Once a week? Twice a week? Twice a month? Any advice much appreciated! We're both kind of new to this - him cos it's his first baby and me cos I had a rubbish unhelpful ex!

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 07/07/2022 20:10

Congratulations on 6 mth baby, hope you’re ok too
ok regard going out, parenting comes first so with 3 children,1 a baby I’d expect he’s around after school, help with dinners ,baths and reading,etc. you will need help
I would say activities before or after the kids are settled is ok. Eg gym,cycling,football. Going out 1-2 week is probably right
the key is mutual fairness and equity so that you both get to see friends and do things

Doris899 · 07/07/2022 20:14

Are we taking going out getting smashed or going to do a hobby or go to the gym. Personally I wouldn’t have an issue with once a week or more but if it’s getting pissed and then being hungover etc I wouldn’t be too chuffed with that.

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 20:20

I mean going to the pub / restaurants with friends. So yes drinking involved which means he's not up for helping at night and is often hungover the next day... x

OP posts:
bumpytrumpy · 07/07/2022 20:22

Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 20:20

I mean going to the pub / restaurants with friends. So yes drinking involved which means he's not up for helping at night and is often hungover the next day... x

This is about more than just going out and missing bedtime then. He's checking out of family life for days at a time. When do you get a break?

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/07/2022 20:30

He’s hungover and not helping with the kids. He’s a dead beat dad then,avoiding his responsibilities. A responsibile adult parent is not hungover and leaving it to the other. You need to have a serious discussion and he needs to change or this is how it’ll be for ever. Honestly most decent dads wouldn’t want to be apart from a new baby and family.

SnowyLamb · 07/07/2022 20:32

With a very young child I'd say once a month max.

SnowyLamb · 07/07/2022 20:34

I mean once a month if out drinking all evening, not up to scratch next day. A couple of times a week if it's a couple of hours at the gym or similar.

AMindNeedsBooks · 07/07/2022 20:40

Depends on your set up and what you're happy with. Nights out/dinners should be fair if you can't always do it together.

Ignore anyone saying he's an awful parent if he would like to leave the house.

It's all about fairness, as long as you both get a break plus time together it doesn't really matter how often.

Pattypatience · 07/07/2022 21:10

Twice a month ? Ish

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 21:46

Thanks all. I definitely don't feel he's an awful parent for wanting to see his friends! I'm totally fine with it, my feeling also was a couple of times a month solo and then we still have the chance to go out together once or twice too. Thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate it, it's hard navigating this relationship plus kids thing! X

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/07/2022 21:52

I think the distinction between going out and being useless the next day and going out for a bit in the evening is important.

1-2 a week out having helped and then coming back and being able to help the next day is fine.

Going out and wiping out the day after - no more than once a month

altmember · 07/07/2022 21:54

Once or twice a month is about the max for just going for a beer (or several) with mates. It sounds like he's expecting to carry on the same lifestyle he had before he became a father.

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 21:56

I just find this really interesting- I totally agree re the distinction but if he went out twice a week and I went out twice a week that's 4 nights of the week one of us is out.... it feels extreme? I'm being extreme I know, it could work where he goes twice one week and not at all the next or some such, but I suppose it just feels like a guideline is useful even if we don't always stick to it and as one of the posters above says, equality feels important! I should say he is mostly retired and only works 2 to 3 times a week so it's not as if he's in a full on job day in day out.... He is helpful and kind and I really love him. We're just trying to navigate this parenting thing and don't really know what's 'right' yet x

OP posts:
AMindNeedsBooks · 07/07/2022 21:56

Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 21:46

Thanks all. I definitely don't feel he's an awful parent for wanting to see his friends! I'm totally fine with it, my feeling also was a couple of times a month solo and then we still have the chance to go out together once or twice too. Thanks so much for responding, I really appreciate it, it's hard navigating this relationship plus kids thing! X

That sounds perfectly reasonable! Nice to have other opinions but you're quite right in the balance you've suggested.

Ragwort · 07/07/2022 21:57

Sounds like the issue is more about the state he returns in .. has he always been a heavy drinker? My DH liked to go out cycling Grin and for a drink with his mates when our DS was younger but he never drunk so much that he couldn't do normal 'parent' duties.

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 21:59

Yeah he likes a drink.... he's a totally lovely drunk person so I don't mind this at all. But obviously if he's drinking he can't really do night duty and then although he never ever says no to anything the next day he's kind of lacklustre and often needs to go nap / keeps telling me how tired he is which causes bickering for obvious reasons. I'm trying to mitigate to chances to bicker I suppose by managing expectations before things happen.... wishful thinking maybe!

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 07/07/2022 22:01

As long as you are getting the same amount of time/money free to spend with your friends while your kids are well cared for by his father, any time is reasonable.

If he was going out as a single man every weekend dumping all the parenting on me I would really resent it.

oh wait, that was the nail in the coffin of my marriage! I resented the absence and the amount of money he was wasting on hobbies and going out while DS and I were surviving on peanuts.

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2022 22:01

@Mrsbiscuits81 what does he think he should do.

He is a parent now - his life has changed - he cant do what he used to, drink as much as he used to when he has a 6 month old.

How often does he feel is right? Would he be able to cope if you did the same?

Kite22 · 07/07/2022 22:05

Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 20:20

I mean going to the pub / restaurants with friends. So yes drinking involved which means he's not up for helping at night and is often hungover the next day... x

I agree with everyone else.
This ^ post totally changes my answer.

I had assumed you meant "leaving the house, after the older two are in bed, and coming home around 11/11.30/12 and carrying on with life". Or "going out - say to sports training or a hobby - and being back by 10 / 10.30".

As a pp said "checking out of family life" is a completely different thing.
dh and I never had an issue with either one of us 'going out' but that never meant we didn't get up in te night, or didn't carry on with life in the morning.

lonelydad2022 · 07/07/2022 22:05

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/07/2022 20:30

He’s hungover and not helping with the kids. He’s a dead beat dad then,avoiding his responsibilities. A responsibile adult parent is not hungover and leaving it to the other. You need to have a serious discussion and he needs to change or this is how it’ll be for ever. Honestly most decent dads wouldn’t want to be apart from a new baby and family.

Did you miss the part that only the younger one is his?

Ragwort · 07/07/2022 22:06

'he's a totally lovely drunk person'. .... Hmm really? If he's too hungover & so 'lacklustre' that he can't step up to being a Dad what exactly do you find 'totally lovely' about him? Raise your standards, it doesn't sound much of a relationship when you have to police his going out. Sad

seaUrchinOne · 07/07/2022 22:09

Depends on how old you are too, I was a parent in my 20s and lot more sociable than I am now, we took turns going out 1-2 times a month by mid 30s only occasionally. I wouldn't of been happy with a partner going out every weekend.

Original poster
Mrsbiscuits81 · 07/07/2022 22:12

I am 40 and he's 50.... we're not kids! The older kids are teenagers. They're super helpful and relatively easy. He desperately wanted a baby as he hadn't any children so I acquiesced and I obviously adore him - but he's really hard work, I've given up a job I love and I was sick and in hospital for 67 days out of my pregnancy. I'm tired and I don't want to be left to deal with regular nights and days when he's hungover, because he 'wants more time in the pub'. I have no issues at all with him seeing his mates, but he's not a bachelor anymore and it doesn't feel right when we have a 6 month old (who sleeps like a newborn) to leave it up to me most of time - esp as it's me who does the older kids school runs, homework etc.

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 07/07/2022 22:20

We take turns going out mostly - and then sometimes we managed to get out together if we can rope in babysitter

but I’d say it comes in waves for weeks neither of us go anywhere -then suddenly like this month - I’m out at 6 different things with friends 🙈 husband is out 4 times.one of those nights we are both out at different things and had to get a friend to look after baby.

Whoever is out gets a lie in the next day and then the one who stayed in gets a lie in the next day

you need to just make a plan for what works for you

Kite22 · 07/07/2022 22:44

The older kids are teenagers.

They've aged quickly. They were 11 and 7 in the opening post. Hmm