Is this emotional abuse and why am I accepting it?

[Daisy5210]

Hi everyone,
It has been a tough few months after finding out about my husband’s affair with someone ‘he really liked’.
We have been ‘trying’ to work through things as I love him and our family very much but I’m beginning to think that I might not actually survive this. My husband literally wants me to zip it. If I say I’m unhappy or feeling down, insecure in our marriage etc, he goes quiet or will behind shouting.
It’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow and understandably I’m sad, upset and questioning whether I can continue in our marriage. My husband’s response: to shout that I drove him to the affair and to to cancel our life insurance policies (in readiness for divorce I assume as he pays for me too) in some childish attempt to frighten me into airing any of my hurt.
I honestly don’t get it. Should I be expecting different? I know this probably sounds absurd. I am a professional woman and I feel if anyone else was telling me this, I would know the answer but I feel so clouded by my children's future and happiness.
Thanks if you’ve made it this far!

Sound alike you’d be better off with out him 💐

he isn’t taking any responsibility and is treating you awfully, I would guess his behaviour isn’t new either. As heartbreaks it is it will be better for you and the children not to be with this man.

For you to stay in the marriage he should be taking ownership of what he's done and he should be apologetic. He should also be letting you vent about the infidelity in any way you want. He's not doing any of these things, he's just trying to bully you into submission. I'd be getting a divorce if I were you.

Thoughts go out to you OP 💐. If you're staying in this marriage for the sake of your kids, in the long run you'll do them a favour by separating.

If you continue to stay just to have that 'perfect' family unit you'll teach your children to settle for less and that the way daddy treats mummy is acceptable. This will go on to cause issues in their own relationships or impact their mental health.

It might be hard to begin with, but as they get older they'll understand your reasons.

Thanks for your replies.
It is very sad to think that our marriage and family have come to this but I can’t keep going on in this way.
I told him this afternoon that I loved him (I know, it’s pathetic) and he said I love you too but I can’t keep going over things all the time whilst in the same vein refusing to come to a family dinner and then leaving this evening so I do bath/ bed etc.

So your not allowed to feel any emotions and to simply move on- yep he is a shitbag . You have to put up or shut up and be grateful he is still with you. Unless he has been a model husband post affair and treated you like a queen I would be moving on.

I’d want him to be begging, pleading forgiveness, going over the top with the grifts and affection to prove he still wants me and that it can work….not shouting at me or stropping!! Cheeky devil!!

Hi Daisy - I could have written this myself a few years ago.
I had been with my hubby for many years and we had two very small children when I found out about his cheating. I couldn't bear to break our family up. I kept thinking "I don't want my kids to come from a 'broken home'".

For me, I realised I couldn't continue - even though I had caught him out and knew what he'd been up to, I questioned every small thing. Did he really go away for work? Who was he with? What about that hotel receipt? What about the time I couldn't get him on the phone?......the trust was gone.

I also thought of my daughter. If she would come to me when she was older and say "this is what has happened, should I stay?" I knew I would absolutely say "no my darling, you are worth a whole lot more that that".

From what you've said, it seems like your hubby is annoyed with you for having a perfectly normal reaction and is expecting you to brush it aside as it's an inconvenience to him.....and 'you' drove him to the affair...sorry that is never a plausible argument. Utter rubbish! He is responsible for his own choices. If you are unhappy about something, talk about it.

I read a lot about divorce and children etc. The thing that affects children negatively is witnessing an unhealthy relationship - not divorce. I knew if I stayed I would never be truly happy and I knew I would be setting a bad example for my kids.

Beat him to it and set a divorce in process.
I was like you, desperately trying to keep my marriage together, for the sake of my children and also because of the sense of shame that I felt about having a failed marriage - sorry if I've projected there, but I suspect you feel the same on one or both counts.
Ultimately for me, the final nail(s) in the coffin were when he demonstrated that he had no care for me, including once when I was so ill, I thought I was dying and would never see my children again.
If any of that echoes with you, don't put yourself through it.
Everyone deserves a relationship where they feel loved and cherished.
If you don't, it's time to rip that particular plaster off. Your children will be ok. It's better to have two (ultimately) happy parents apart, than two miserable parents who've stayed together.

Take control, tell him tomorrow, on your anniversary, that you want and are getting a divorce. He'll never respect you and you'll never be truly happy again as long as you are with him.

Do not do the pick me dance with him. Read chumplady’s website and Shirley Glass’s book Not Just Friends.

Staying in such a marriage for the sake of the children/their happiness is a terrible idea and one they won’t thank you for doing either. Better to be apart than to be together and miserable.

I would seek legal advice asap so you know where you stand in the event of divorce.

The above poster has it in one - rip that band aid off.

You're worth better. To say that you drove him to an affair is cruel.

Why do you think your kids will be better off knowing daddy cheats on mummy and she just takes it and says nothing and for them to live in a fractured environment with mummy being abused if she airs her thoughts? Why do you think this is beneficial to them?

This.

Leave him, see a good lawyer.

He's a shit. Not taking any responsibility, bullying you. He should be on his knees and apologising.

Op are you financially reliant on him, is this it? Is that why you’re taking it? For money?

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship with a controlling bully, who is using anger to silence you.

Your marriage is over, and that is for the best.

Speak to Women's aid for support.
Do not allow his anger to control you.

Your marital break up is on him.

I bet this behaviour is not in isolation.

Tell family and friends the truth.

I suppose I am financially reliant in that we would have to sell family home during divorce - husband has already said this.
I just can’t keep up with the silent treatment, me apologising like WTF is wrong with me?!
Husband is also still working with his AP and makes huge waves about changing jobs.

He has also said many things about how overweight women shouldn’t expect their husbands to still find them attractive and that looks are still very important even twenty years into a relationship.
Many of these things are damaging to hear but also really shameful to share with friends or family.
I am not perfect by any means. Bit boring. Read a lot. Quite mumsy - would rather just be with the children etc.

@Daisy5210 you sound a lot like me and your husband like mine. He actually said to me recently, when he was going away overnight to the city where OW lives, and I was worried about it, 'this isn't normal' (ie It's not normal for a wife who has been repeatedly lied to and deceived being anxious about her husband staying overnight in the same city as OW!). I can't work out if this is gaslighting or he just genuinely believes that I'm irrational. Either way, I have to keep telling myself that my reaction to his cheating and deceit is more 'normal' than his just thinking I should get over it and never mention it again.

I've been desperately hanging on trying to make it work for my children and to keep the family together but I guess at some point you have to accept that it will only work if you are both fully committed to it. It doesn't sound as if either of our husbands actually are, so I don't think either of us have much of a choice unfortunately.

He's a gaslighting creep, trying to make you take the blame because he cannot keep it in his trousers. He's just trying to excuse himself.

How dare he say things like mumsy and overweight - he's just horrible, disrespectful and rotten. What does he look like, Chris Hemsworth? I bet he looks more like Chris Moyles, before he lost weight. What a horrible man. Make plans for you and your children, rest of the posters are right, start the detachment process.

He is a spiteful and cruel piece of shit. I send you strength and encouragement to tell him to fuck off.

@Daisy5210 this was heart breaking to read.

I just wanted to say we hear you and you are worth more than this.

I assure you, you are on your way to the point where you say 'Enough is Enough' and you will look forward without even a backward glance.

Who does this guy think he is?

Make plans OP - to protect yourself and your kids, whatever that looks like to you. Sending Best Wishes.

He's cruel.

You can never, ever have health and happiness with someone cruel.

And if you stay with him, your children will go into adulthood believing that they can because it's what will be familiar and normalised to them.

Please, please let that fuel you to leave.

This man will grind you down until you have lost all sense of yourself and all self respect.

He is doing this on purpose so that you continue to accept his treatment of you and he can continue to be the dominant force in your life.

He's a bully. He's cruel. He's manipulative. He's a misogynist. He's a liar. He's a cheat. He is selfish.

I promise you, being single in a smaller home is infinitely better than wasting one more day with this man.

Please see a solicitor to find out where you stand and file for divorce before he can hide assets and further destroy your confidence by being the one to end it / by continuing to hurt you. If you don't have an account independent of his (that he can't see) then borrow from a friend or family for now so he won't know and you have time to get your head around your options. You can pay them back afterwards.

If not for you, leave for your children and their future selves.

He has betrayed you and now he is angry that you're upset about it? That's just...crazy. it's like punching someone in the face then complaining they have a broken nose, and oh but they drove me to it.

You know there is no going back from this OP. I'd put on my game face and screw him over behind his back. Go see a solicitor. He doesnt even sound nice in other ways with his comments about women and weight etc

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journeys you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck.

In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.