Is this emotional abuse and why am I accepting it?

[Daisy5210]

Hi everyone,
It has been a tough few months after finding out about my husband’s affair with someone ‘he really liked’.
We have been ‘trying’ to work through things as I love him and our family very much but I’m beginning to think that I might not actually survive this. My husband literally wants me to zip it. If I say I’m unhappy or feeling down, insecure in our marriage etc, he goes quiet or will behind shouting.
It’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow and understandably I’m sad, upset and questioning whether I can continue in our marriage. My husband’s response: to shout that I drove him to the affair and to to cancel our life insurance policies (in readiness for divorce I assume as he pays for me too) in some childish attempt to frighten me into airing any of my hurt.
I honestly don’t get it. Should I be expecting different? I know this probably sounds absurd. I am a professional woman and I feel if anyone else was telling me this, I would know the answer but I feel so clouded by my children's future and happiness.
Thanks if you’ve made it this far!

OP it’s the usual scrip above which someone on mumsnet posted a while ago but I cannot remember who it was, but I found it really helpful when I dealt with my situation

Narcissist is a term massively overused on here IMO but if you read the following, whether or not he is one, the prayer is a perfect fit.

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

The Narcissist's Prayer (by Dayna Craig) beautifully illustrates the inner workings of the narcissistic mind. Denial, gaslighting, minimising poor behaviour, blameshifting and shamedumping all feature in this one simple verse, all hallmarks of covert emotional abuse. To a narcissist the 'truth' is not seen as a finite, fixed entity, but as being malleable - as being whatever the narcissist says it is, at the time they say it. The truth is simply whatever serves the narcissist at that particular time.

Sorry you're going through this.
Bite the bullet, get a divorce, live your best life and be happy, whatever that looks like for you. Set a good example that the kids can follow if they find themselves in the same situation.

I don't think there's any coming back from this I'm afraid

I’m sorry you are going through this op. I am not one to shout LTB, affairs happened unfortunately and couples can and do get through it. BUT that is massively dependent on the actions of the person who had the affair. HE should be doing all the work, reading books on infidelity, seeking counselling to look at the weaknesses in him (and it’s is ENTIRELY on him. If he was unhappy in your relationship there are a million different options that do not involve shagging someone else!) that enabled him to have an affair, how to make himself a safe partner for you again. And even that might not work for you and you still might decide to leave. But, he absolutely does not get to tell you to just put up and shut up. He is a selfish and entitled dickhead (which are the exact traits which allowed him to have an affair in the first place) and he is showing you no respect. Find your anger op. Kick him out. Today. I would go full black bin liners on the drive. This shit show is HIS responsibility, so make him take it. If you stand firm, tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck off, he will more than likely come crawling back, because he will realise he can’t actually have his cake and eat it. What you decide to do then will be up to you, but I think you might well realise that actually, you do deserve more and you don’t need him at all. Good luck xx

He's damaging you, he's damaging your mh, your self esteem and he will also damage your children. They will base their expectations of a relationship on your relationship with him. Do yourself and your dc a favour and leave

There's no coming back from his affair if he won't admit or take responsibility.