Feeling deflated about friends and hen

[Sallymads]

I’m getting married in November, it’s just a small one abroad, including a bit of travelling with our kids and a few family members, none of my friends are attending which I understand because of the cost and how things are at the moment, my moh sister booked her wedding the day after mine so she now can’t come. My hen do is being planned, I initially wanted 1 night away somewhere in the UK which ultimately fell through, so I suggested a local city in the hopes it’d be more accessible and affordable so everyone can come along and go home at the end of the night. One best friend (who was planning it) has gone in a strop because it’s not on the date she wants in the next 2 months, so said she isn’t coming at all now or planning, and the others are dropping like flies with little to no excuse. There were 12 invited initially now down to 4. These are all close friends I’ve known for 15+ years so I’m feeling really disheartened. I can understand people have other commitments and finances but I’m just asking for a few hours, they knew it was coming for over a year. Its not the first time either, they always seem to come up with some lame excuse or another last minute, but stick around because they know I’ll still be there to lay their problems onto. I know friendships aren’t transactional, but I always, always attend their events, birthdays, kids birthdays etc. Why do I always get let down? 😢at this moment in time I’m thinking of jacking the whole thing off and doing nothing. My OH is peed off feeling sorry for me saying their sh*tty mates. It’s just not what I had in mind at all and I feel like a massive loser. Sorry for rambling x

That does sound rubbish of your friends OP. I'd cancel it and spend the money on your honeymoon. I'd also tell your closest friends that you feel let down.

Sorry to hear that is happening. I would contact them all individually and ask them are they coming and just talk to them and if nothing gets sorted just have a afternoon tea out with best pal and mum/sister etc. People get strange and selfish as they get older and try not to take it personally as everyone has stresses and hidden worries and things you may not know are going on in their lives. Just focus on your wedding and hen nights are over rated and never been a fan myself. Hope something sorts out as sounds so stressful.

I would do something low key, cheap and cheerful with the 4 that have confirmed they are coming, a meal out locally and a few drinks. Completely drop the 'best friend' who is having a strop. And put the money you've saved towards your wedding/holiday.

DH and I went out on sat night. We ended up in a restaurant with 5 hen parties of 20+ in each party. I left feeling content in the knowledge that the absence of a hen party in the run up to my wedding (10 years ago) was definitely no great loss.

I wonder if they feel it’s less important as you’re marrying abroad and they’re not attending? It’s frustrating but maybe they feel like they’re not that important to you if you’re going abroad. I don’t think I’d bother with a hen do if friends weren’t attending the wedding.

I'm with PP, sorry. If I wasn't going to the wedding, I wouldn't go to the hen. Cancel it and use the money with your husband after the wedding.

Sorry, I misread PP post above. But agree that could be your friends' reasoning.

@butterflied I also wouldn’t go to the hen if I wasn’t going to the wedding!

I'd go with the four friends who are up for it and have some fun. And consider how good the other friends are.

Thanks for the input, before the 1 night away idea, I actually said I wasn’t keen on a hen do and they insisted I ‘need’ one to celebrate together and they’d definitely be there, seeing as they aren’t coming to the wedding. They were invited to the wedding as well, some said from the get go they can’t come and the others excitedly said they were coming (bridesmaids) but later dropped out, but I didn’t hold it against them as it’s a big ask. Just feeling a little let down over the hen, one actually said to plan it myself and she’ll try and attend x

This . They are telling you what they think of you. Now is the time to have a friend clear out. They clearly don't think much of you. Treat the 4 good friends to a nice meal or afternoon tea nearby. Drop the others. Don't make a big fuss but phase them out. Focus on making new friends. Make time for new people.

My bridesmaid was horrible around my wedding so I realised she wasn't a friend. We got past the wedding but I made other friends and stopped spending time with her. One friend in particular I've now had for 12 years. It can be done so don't hang on to friends who don't value you.

I know it hurts. I'm sorry.

Sorry OP they all sound a bit shit and your friendship sounds very one sided. Your sister booked her wedding the day after yours?

Yes I think you may be right. I can understand previous posters saying they wouldn’t go if they aren’t going the wedding, but on the other hand, if I couldn’t go to theirs, I’d make sure I attended the hen😣i’m sorry your bridesmaid was horrible! It’s a tough one isn’t it. I like the idea of afternoon tea, thank you x

Yes definitely. It’s my maid of honours sister, who booked her wedding the day after mine. It’s becoming a disaster if I’m honest! Lol x

I wouldn’t bother going to a hen if I wasn’t going to the wedding. It’s like having the starter without the main course. If you want to get married abroad you know and are choosing to exclude a number of your friends, so why would they be amenable to celebrating a wedding that has been designed to make it difficult or impossible for them to attend?

You sound like a good friend and they could possibly be taking you for granted. Someone who I thought was a close friend turned into bridezilla on her Wedding day. I wasn't invited to the hen do (I found out afterwards) it was a small gathering but still we was really close! Didn't even know she was having one and on the Wedding day I was assigned official photographer just before the ceremony. My DP ended up taking photos as I was seething. Also me and DP got dumped on the table of the people she knowingly dislikes 😂
Wow when I write that down it sounds even worse. We haven't spoke since and she hasn't acknowledged any of it.
You sound like a good friend and if they don't show up it's their loss really x

hen parties are for wedding guests, otherwise it’s a bit of a strange gathering to celebrate the concept of a thing they can’t attend. Hen parties were a pain in the arse to attend when I was young, now, I would just decline. Saying you will go, and then cancelling is fairly shitty behaviour, especially X7

So sorry OP. It sounds really disheartening especially when you've probably been there for all their major milestones.

When me and DP get married, I'm only having 2 bridesmaids and probably a private dinner in town with a few drinks instead of a hen. Genuinely cba with the fuss and people making excuses on why they can't attend and to be honest I don't want the hassle of it all. A wedding is stressful enough! Xx

Agree with this!

Sounds like they dont think of you in the same way you do them, i.e. not particularly close. Sorry OP, I would can the idea entirely.

Could be because they are not attending the wedding. Although surely they would want to celebrate with you in some way, and this would be it? I'm a bit confused when you said you have a MOH and also bridesmaids, but none are coming to the wedding, how does that work?

Also, I may have mis interpreted but are you saying you want the hen in the next 2 months, but getting married in november? Could it be simply they have holidays and stuff planned so hard to get a date where everyone is actually free.

Could you do something nearer to November, like a spa hotel one night or as someone suggested just an afternoon tea.
Also, cost of living is out of control right now. So giving a bit more notice than a month or two might help massively. It could be your friends are really struggling and simply cannot afford a night on the town, especially if budgeting for a family holiday but are too embarrassed to say this? I know at the moment I'd be really hard pushed to justify spending money on a night out, regardless of what it was for. Could you suggest a party at home, so its minimal cost and see what the response is?

I don't see the point in stressing and forcing a jight out into my diary to not even get to attend the wedding.

Regardless of who it was I would be completely unable to book in a single night out for the next 4 months.

Sorry to say but I think it probably is because none of your friends are going to the wedding.
I don’t even go to an after wedding party if a couple have married abroad-it’s just a present grabbing fest

I could've have written the same post as @ZenNudist My best friend turned into a nightmare before my wedding ever though she was my moh. Luckily my other bridesmaid stepped in but still a lot of people dropped out of my hen. So called best friend almost tried not to come. I o oh had a meal out in a major city and some drinks. I cherish the friends and family who came though. And I'd had severe anxiety around the whole thing for years

Also I think that's why I probably didn't organise anything big due to fear of people not coming. Maybe if I'd not cared they would've come. Any way me and bf made it up through the wedding and now she's back to being a bitch so people show their true colours. We had an awesome wedding though and it seems like a distant memory now. Was only last year.