Feeling deflated about friends and hen

[Sallymads]

I’m getting married in November, it’s just a small one abroad, including a bit of travelling with our kids and a few family members, none of my friends are attending which I understand because of the cost and how things are at the moment, my moh sister booked her wedding the day after mine so she now can’t come. My hen do is being planned, I initially wanted 1 night away somewhere in the UK which ultimately fell through, so I suggested a local city in the hopes it’d be more accessible and affordable so everyone can come along and go home at the end of the night. One best friend (who was planning it) has gone in a strop because it’s not on the date she wants in the next 2 months, so said she isn’t coming at all now or planning, and the others are dropping like flies with little to no excuse. There were 12 invited initially now down to 4. These are all close friends I’ve known for 15+ years so I’m feeling really disheartened. I can understand people have other commitments and finances but I’m just asking for a few hours, they knew it was coming for over a year. Its not the first time either, they always seem to come up with some lame excuse or another last minute, but stick around because they know I’ll still be there to lay their problems onto. I know friendships aren’t transactional, but I always, always attend their events, birthdays, kids birthdays etc. Why do I always get let down? 😢at this moment in time I’m thinking of jacking the whole thing off and doing nothing. My OH is peed off feeling sorry for me saying their sh*tty mates. It’s just not what I had in mind at all and I feel like a massive loser. Sorry for rambling x

I got married abroad and we paid for friends and family to attend as we understood the financial pressures people are under - I didn’t even try to organise a hen as it felt odd inviting them to a pre celebration for a wedding they wouldn’t be coming to, instead we organised a gorgeous dinner the night before the wedding, with girls and boys drinks beforehand - it was lovely and perfect!

You sound like a good friend, and if you were my friend I would be there to celebrate with you. I am afraid it’s one of those moments in life when you see with clarity who really cares and who doesn’t op. It’s helpful to know in the long run, but hurts like hell.

I would be phasing out the ones that have let you down with immediate effect and would stop seeing - slowly stop messaging and take them out of your life.

You have to know focus on the four good friends left. I would upgrade your plans and make it really special. Take them to the Savoy or the equivalent and make it absolutely AMAZING. It’s your night and they will be sorry for letting you down when they see the photos on SM posted by someone else, and then I’d get on and enjoy my new husband and new life, making new friends to replace the debris of to your old ‘friends ‘. I did suspect you have been far too nice for too long.

Hen and stag dos have turned into big rowdy affairs and perhaps this is putting your friends off? I If the night out is a local one with no overnight stays are needed I can't see a problem. What sort of family commitments do your friends have? I've been to a couple of hen dos where there is a meal or sending off drink first before the clubbers pile into a taxi. This makes it accessible to everyone.

We eloped so no hen or stag and it was perfect.
No pressure, no fall outs and no worries.
A family member organised a big surprise party for us a few months later so that we did celebrate with family and friends which was sweet of them. We knew nothing about it so again no stress for us!

Op if your near me il come to your hen do ! Bugger the rest of them . I know what it's like to have friends let you down all the time . Xxx

If you have the money I'd take the four away to a spa or out for an amazing dinner. Intimate and luxurious. The rest can suck it.

Yip, let it go, be free!
I’m so glad I lowered my expectations of people about 30 years ago! Honestly, you sound absolutely lovely, focus in on all the good stuff! The wedding, the honeymoon, going abroad.
dontbmake anyone feel bad, just let them know it’s no longer happening, but you’d love a catch up soon and leave it to them. Don’t waste a second being bitter
anytime I’ve let someone know I’m hurt, it’s hugely backfired and ended up WAY worse than it should.
be breezy, be cool, you are fabulous! Xxx

Switch it around and call it a celebration when you're back. Hen do and not going to the wedding does seem a bit odd.

I genuinely wouldn’t waste another penny or the
oxygen on a post wedding celebration- those that love you will be there, those that really care will be at the ‘hen’ and let the rest go - spend the money on beautiful dresses for your honeymoon, and on your real friends that care enough to celebrate with you before you ger married.

Forget about the fair weathers, it will happen to them one day.

Not many of my so called friends bothered to come to my hen. Sorry OP, people are shit.

I hate hen dos would never go to a n event abroad or over a few days
That said I would make the effort to see a good friend for one day in the UK
I am sorry you are being treated like this
But you do have 4 very good friends which is a good thing

That sounds hurtful @Sallymads but I don’t think it should stop you from having a nice hen night. I think four really good friends would make for a lovely evening and personally I would throw money at it myself to ensure that the 4 friends who turned up and myself had a lovely evening.

I’m a bit marmite for people and I would be the type of person that even close friends will drop out of things I organise. I used to get upset about it but in more recent years I have learned to enjoy my time with the people who do show up for me. I am incredibly lucky to have a small group who really do. That is enough. Acceptance is a really good thing for a happy life.

Similar happened with my hen. We decided to go on a night out to an event but when it came to booking the tickets then they all just ignored the message. A week with no response to two messages, I cancelled the whole thing. Weirdly they were all upset I cancelled it 🤣🤣

I think it could be because you are going abroad for your wedding so they don’t feel part of the celebrations which is fair enough.

Surely it's ok to have a celebration with friends when getting married, if they can't come to the wedding because it's abroad?

I’m sorry Op. I say do something with the four closest and have an amazing time! Big hen parties are pretty tacky in my opinion and I haven’t been to one I’ve enjoyed so far. You would have a lovely time with your closest friends, don’t let the others get you down.

I think if people who cannot make the wedding refuse to partake in a hen do they are being petty and not worth the thought anyway. If they truly cared about you they’d be there to celebrate your life choices in any way they could.
In my opinion the people who come are your people.

They’re not you’re friends.

They are shitty mates!! Time to find some new ones. I wouldn’t bother doing anything with them, they clearly do not give a shit unfortunately. Do something you want to do, have a fabulous wedding!

They're not coming to the wedding and it sounds like you're already well settled down with DP if you've got kids together, so although of course it's great that you're getting married, it's not really a standard hen night situation, more a formality wrapped into a holiday for the pair of you and DC. I can see how it wouldn't have the hen night momentum for 15 friends to get on board with. But then I think a local night out with 4 genuinely close friends (who can have 15 properly close friends really?) is infinitely preferable anyway if you still want to do something together and don't think the others will drop out.

Concentrate on the 4 who are coming, and forget about the others. Create a group what's app with those 4, and plan what you all want to do.

The suggestions that you can’t have a hen do because your friends can’t/won’t attend the wedding abroad is mental. You can do whatever you like and most normal people would consider it an opportunity to celebrate you and your wedding - whether they could go or not! I’ve invited people to my hen that I’m not inviting to my local, UK wedding. Never mind they’ve been invited and can’t go 😂 I’ve given them all the info and it’s up to them if they want to come but I’m not going to not invite them at all - how bizarre.

Any invitation is just that and they can of course say no for whatever reason they like - but your friends do sound like a massive let down. If it’s exactly as you’ve said then I’m sorry that’s happening to you. How disappointing.

I agree.
Surely if you can't attend an overseas wedding that you were invited to, you'd make a bit of an effort to ensure you turned up to the hen if you could at least?

I'm having a small family wedding, but my friends know that and were still happy to attend my hen and I was really delighted and touched at how important my night out was to them.

For those of you mentioning saving money by not having the Hen, isn't it customary for the attendees to foot the bill for the bride? I didn't have one so unclear as to how they work.

Sorry I should have mentioned 2 of the 4 are MIL and SIL, but we’re really close. I think I feel mostly sad and peed off that they aren’t willing to celebrate with me in some way, or ANY way?! like I have done them. Not even a “I can’t make it, but we could do X sometime?” Sorta thing. And the fact they insisted I have a hen to let me down. Seems silly?! That’s why I picked a local city (half an hour away) in the hopes there’s less a chance of being let down. It’s definitely made me realise who’s there for me and who isn’t! I’m sorry some of you have been let down as well, it’s a horrible feeling. Thank you for all the honest answers, I’ll plan something nice for me and the 4 attending xx

Focus on the 4 nice friends that will go. Op I was bridesmaid years ago. She only asked me as the friend pulled out (we cousins). I find women quite flakey now about events!! Suit yourself now

I also think it is weird that you are having a hen do but getting married abroad and none of the hens are coming. I think if you decide to get married abroad you have to accept that things will be a bit different and one of those things is that you don’t have a hen do (I also get married overseas and it didn’t occur to me to have a hen do).

If that were your initial feeling, you probably should have stuck to your conviction, sounds like your friends didn’t really mean it or didn’t expect you to go ahead and organise a hen do.

I don’t think you can cancel on the four that are coming, but I would maybe re label it into simply having a nice dinner and drinks or whatever without it being obviously a hen night.