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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating

38 replies

angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:12

Hi, I'm not a mum, I'm a daughter and I am sure that my mum is cheating on my dad, but I'm not sure how to tell him. I'm really struggling with this and I am so scared that I will hurt my dad and they will get divorced. I found messages a few months ago between my mum and the guy she's cheating on who I know, which is disgusting. And they are sending videos, and talking about you know what. I think they are meeting up as well. Please help I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Carrieonmywaywardsun · 05/07/2022 11:15

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do you have another adult around you trust and can talk to- a teacher or school counsellor? Maybe they can advise you on what to do and how to keep you safe if you choose to tell your mum that you know. Try not to tell your friends, it's safer to not risk rumours being spread.

altmember · 05/07/2022 12:12

You sound closer to your dad than your mum, so your loyalty should be to him (although it should be regardless, given the circumstances). You could always tell him anonymously if you don't want to get involved directly.

This is about the only time an ultimatum is appropriate: "Either you tell dad or I will." Your mother obviously isn't going to come clean without some persuasion since she's been carrying on the affair for months. I don't know why people are suggesting that you should tell your mum to end it and all keep quiet. A) She more than likely will carry on, just covering her tracks better so you aren't aware of it, or B) You'll have to live with the guilt of keeping the secret from your dad. And the suggestion that it's ok to just end the affair and not own up to it is strange, I don't think anyone on the other side of it would want that.

CrazyRatLover · 05/07/2022 13:14

@SkeletonFight of course it's her business, what an unfeeling thing to say! OP is 15, been very brave to come on here and sounds very mature.
OP I would confide in someone you trust to help you through it, but agree with the others to maybe tell your mum what you know, and come back to us. x

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 19:28

CrazyRatLover · 05/07/2022 13:14

@SkeletonFight of course it's her business, what an unfeeling thing to say! OP is 15, been very brave to come on here and sounds very mature.
OP I would confide in someone you trust to help you through it, but agree with the others to maybe tell your mum what you know, and come back to us. x

That's only your own opinion. Others differ.

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 19:30

Iris31 · 05/07/2022 10:58

@SkeletonFight How old are you, 5?! Have a little compassion. Jesus christ 🙈

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Again that is any opinion or are you only allowed to have yours? I really believe it is none of her business.

Littlepaws18 · 05/07/2022 19:35

@SkeletonFight your opinions are ignorant and lack empathy. She's 15 with a huge moral dilemma on her shoulders where her actions could impact her whole family life.

MrsHarrison87 · 05/07/2022 19:46

I agree with the poster who said it isn't your business. However, if this is worrying you to the point you're distressed you need to talk to your mum. But otherwise I'm tempted to say keep out it.You have no idea about the state of your parent's marriage. Firstly, you could be wrong about the facts and secondly, your dad could be aware and it's an arrangement they have. You just don't know. If it is a full blown affair he'll find out sooner or later without it coming from you. Unless you really can't get past this, I would just focus on you and leave adult stuff to the adults to sort out.

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 20:27

Littlepaws18 · 05/07/2022 19:35

@SkeletonFight your opinions are ignorant and lack empathy. She's 15 with a huge moral dilemma on her shoulders where her actions could impact her whole family life.

Tell that to the following poster then as well who has expressed the same opinion.

1000chairs · 05/07/2022 20:28

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 10:41

You are 15 - it is none of your business.

Only on MN!!🙄Really shocked at such a callous and ignorant response.

Of course it is her business and impacts on OP and her whole family not just immediately but for years to come.

My children (all adults) are still distraught over their father's affair. 2 of 5 don't speak to me because I forgave and reconciled with him. The other 3 don't speak to him out of disgust....2 years on I am still heartbroken that our family is in tatters.

The responsibility and burden on this youngster's shoulders is horrific, particularly around exam time.

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 20:35

1000chairs · 05/07/2022 20:28

Only on MN!!🙄Really shocked at such a callous and ignorant response.

Of course it is her business and impacts on OP and her whole family not just immediately but for years to come.

My children (all adults) are still distraught over their father's affair. 2 of 5 don't speak to me because I forgave and reconciled with him. The other 3 don't speak to him out of disgust....2 years on I am still heartbroken that our family is in tatters.

The responsibility and burden on this youngster's shoulders is horrific, particularly around exam time.

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Maybe there is a case then for your children not having known/been told about the affair? Somer people would say it the business of the adults concerned and not their children.

1000chairs · 05/07/2022 21:33

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 20:35

Maybe there is a case then for your children not having known/been told about the affair? Somer people would say it the business of the adults concerned and not their children.

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@SkeletonFight for reasons out of our control, which remain our business only, the children found out. Above all the heartbreak, this has distressed us more than anything.

However affairs only flourish in secrecy and once outed, the bubble bursts for WS and reality sets in. Which is often a good thing for all concerned.

As a parent I certainly wouldn't be suggesting to a 15 year old that it is 'none of their business' therefore expecting them to keep a terrible secret, tearing at family loyalties.

Respect to OP for having the maturity to seek advice rather than internalising all this and suffering in silence!

Doodlebud · 05/07/2022 21:47

Is there another trusted adult you can speak to?
A family member, or teacher from school? Even just for advice, so that you're not carrying this on your own. Such a horrible burden for you at 15. I really suggest reaching out to another adult who can support you through this.

Doodlebud · 05/07/2022 21:51

Or, childline have counselors who can advise, I'm sure they will have experience here. X

www.childline.org.uk

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