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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating

38 replies

angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:12

Hi, I'm not a mum, I'm a daughter and I am sure that my mum is cheating on my dad, but I'm not sure how to tell him. I'm really struggling with this and I am so scared that I will hurt my dad and they will get divorced. I found messages a few months ago between my mum and the guy she's cheating on who I know, which is disgusting. And they are sending videos, and talking about you know what. I think they are meeting up as well. Please help I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Loveduck80 · 04/07/2022 17:16

Talk to your mum, tell her that you know what she's been upto and tell her the right thing for her to do is to tell your dad about this. Do you live with your parents?

littlemissminor · 04/07/2022 17:16

I was in your exact position about 8 years ago. I told my dad.

Yes, it was nuclear, yes it broke up the family - but that was my mum's fault, not mine. My dad thanked me for telling him in the end - he would much rather that than be lied to - and I don't think I could have lived with myself either

littlemissminor · 04/07/2022 17:17

I did get evidence and give my mum the chance to tell him, but she didn't - so I did

Loveduck80 · 04/07/2022 17:18

The weight of this problem shouldn't be on your shoulders. Your mum needs to tell your dad.

Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:29

Yes I do, I'm 15

OP posts:
FriedTomatoe · 04/07/2022 17:30

As the product of a messy family break-up due to infidelity, I would try to stay out of it as much as possible. If you really feel the need to do something, confront your mum with what you know and encourage her to come clean but ultimately it's for her to tell your dad.

I know it's heart breaking to watch your parents go through this. It destroyed my faith in love for a long time, especially considering my dad was always amazing with me and my sister. I really feel for you.

Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:31

I really hope she does otherwise I would have to :(

OP posts:
Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:32

Thank you so much, I will try to keep out of it and see what my mum does but if she continues for a long time I'm going to have to tell him

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2022 17:37

You know yourself better than us what kind of person your mum is op. And if it is worthwhile giving her a chance to tell your dad first?

If you think she will just lie about it or make you out to be lying then id be inclined to just tell your dad what you know. Approach it in a 'I might be mistaken but this is what I know...so maybe you should look into it'.

If your mum usually has your back and is usually a decent person THEN I'd give her a chance to be honest first. Otherwise, best to tell your dad yourself.

Sorry you're in this position at just 15 op.

Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:37

I'm so sorry about that, this is what I'm really worried about but in the end it's her fault

OP posts:
Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:39

Thank you, but I don't think my mum will tell him and most of the time she isn't really nice so I'll tell my dad if she doesn't, she's hiding it and it won't get out otherwise.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2022 17:40

I mean, alternatively you could tell her to end it and have nothing more to do with this guy if she isn't willing to tell your dad. Then at least she has that choice. Hopefyully thr shock at thinking about what she could lose would holt her back back her senses. But then I supposed you'd always be wondering if she had ended it, or was just lying to you about doing so. Plus, if your dad later found out about it...he might feel hurt that you hadn't told him. But, it's still an option.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2022 17:41

angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 17:39

Thank you, but I don't think my mum will tell him and most of the time she isn't really nice so I'll tell my dad if she doesn't, she's hiding it and it won't get out otherwise.

Ah, in that case, just straight up tell your dad
He deserves to know and if you tell her you know first, it OK gives her a chance to think up lies. Either tell dad or stay out of it totally.

Pinkbonbon · 04/07/2022 17:42

*it only gives her a chance to think up lies

Mischance · 04/07/2022 17:46

If you do decide to tell him, make sure you have proper evidence to back up what you are telling him.

Bear in mind that he may already know.

I am sorry that you are feeling this weight on your shoulders at such a young age; but please remember they are the adults and need to be the ones to deal with this. I sense that things are not great between you and your Mum and that this may be influencing your need to tell your Dad. What would you do if it was your Dad who you thought was cheating?

I hope you find a way through this.

Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 18:02

I will soon, I just need to build up the courage.

OP posts:
Lotusflower16 · 04/07/2022 18:04

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate because I was 20 when I found out, although I had been suspecting it for some time. I felt betrayed and I spoke to my mum and I was told some things I then wished I had never known. I decided not to tell my dad and let them sort their things out. Their are still together and I have no idea if she told him, but I am pretty sure there was no way I would have told him then.
It's a difficult situation and requires a careful aproach.

Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 18:05

I do have proper evidence, I might screenshot the texts from her phone to mine but I don't have enough time if I ask for her phone. I really hope they can figure it out if she owns up, and yes my relationship with my mum isn't that good so I think she might never want to talk to me again. If it was my dad I would feel betrayed and so heartbroken, with my mum I feel disgusted and shocked, they have been married for 20 years. Thank you so much for the help xx

OP posts:
Original poster
angelcandy1 · 04/07/2022 18:07

I'm sorry you've been through this too, I will take a careful approach and might not even tell him, if I see that it's stopped.

OP posts:
Fermainmeeru1972 · 05/07/2022 02:53

Sorry to hear your going through this !
i had the same situation at 17. I confronted her with my sibling. She denied. Although we had proof. Not surprisingly she still isn’t a very nice person very self centred.
Do you have any siblings older to help you approach this ? Try not to get to anxious. About it. I do feel for you.

Ilosthim · 05/07/2022 09:41

Tell mum you know.

The shock might just bring her to her senses.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this xxxxx

MermaidEyes · 05/07/2022 09:49

Do you have any siblings? Is there any trusted family member, grandparent etc, or close family friend you can confide in?

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 10:41

You are 15 - it is none of your business.

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 10:42

Plus you also seem to have complete access to your Mum's phone and snooping. How would you like this level of intrusion? ( if all of this is true)

Iris31 · 05/07/2022 10:58

SkeletonFight · 05/07/2022 10:41

You are 15 - it is none of your business.

@SkeletonFight How old are you, 5?! Have a little compassion. Jesus christ 🙈