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Original poster

Using the word kill in front of the children. OK or not?

36 replies

cornwall11 · 04/07/2022 15:44

In the car the other day I was telling a story to my husband and I said any couple that can get through a family holiday without killing each other can get through any thing! He immediately told me off and not to use that phrase in front of the children. He said it isn't nice for the children to hear the word kill in that context and not to say that again.

I was take aback as I am sure it is a common phrase which I'm sure remember hearing when I was a child, even from my school teachers, so I'm surprised at his reaction. It's no trouble for me not to use that phrase anymore so I won't, but is his reaction justified?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 04/07/2022 15:45

How old are the children? Would make a difference as to if they would take it literally or not.

my son is autistic and using a phrase like that in front of him would send him into a panic!

lolil · 04/07/2022 15:45

I think far too many people are flippant about using kill in the context you have, because obviously you don't mean it literally. Children don't always know it's not literal though so I agree with your DH

BertieBotts · 04/07/2022 15:46

It's just an expression, not unusual to use at all. Why is your husband telling you what you can and can't say?

TooManyPJs · 04/07/2022 15:47

Your DH is being ridiculous. It's a common expression and it's good your children learn that it doesn't literally mean anyone is going to kill anyone when it's heard. So good it comes from you as you can then explain this if there is any confusion.

lolil · 04/07/2022 15:48

BertieBotts · 04/07/2022 15:46

It's just an expression, not unusual to use at all. Why is your husband telling you what you can and can't say?

Because he is also the father of the children, who may or may not know it as 'just an expression'

There is a time and a place for 'why is a man telling you what you can say/do' but this is not it.

Original poster

cornwall11 · 04/07/2022 15:49

Age 5 and 2. I'm sure they wouldn't take it literally but if it keeps the peace I can stop using that phrase, not that I use it very often anyway

OP posts:

DockOTheBay · 04/07/2022 15:49

My 5 year old would have a lot of questions about that phrase. It would go over my 2year old's head. If the kids were 8 or older they would probably understand its not meant literally. So it really depends on your kids and their ages.

TooManyPJs · 04/07/2022 15:49

Yes and more worrying is that he's trying to police your speech and tell YOU off in front of the children. Very controlling.

DockOTheBay · 04/07/2022 15:50

BertieBotts · 04/07/2022 15:46

It's just an expression, not unusual to use at all. Why is your husband telling you what you can and can't say?

Have you never asked your spouse or a family member not to use a particular word or phrase because you don't like it, or don't want the kids to hear it? I don't think that equates to a controlling spouse.

Cuwins · 04/07/2022 15:50

I'm with a pp depends on the age of the children and if there is SEN- without that I would say school age that's fine, 3 or 4 maybe a bit of an explanation about sayings that aren't meant literally as they need to learn that.

BobLemon · 04/07/2022 15:54

It’s a really normal expression. He is BU about this example.

But, is there a reason this is on his mind? I know a family where the DCs (late primary) talk about killing All. The. Time. Evidently normal in their house, but so very weird to hear and kind of uncomfortable.

Misstes · 04/07/2022 16:00

How is it controlling he is asking her not to say in front of their kids not to not say it ever. I’m sure if he was swearing like a trooper in front of the kids and she asked him to stop you’d think that was ok

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 04/07/2022 16:03

The rights and wrongs of the word 'kill' notwithstanding, i find your hypothesis bizarre.

Holidays are for fun. If you go on holiday, spending a fair amount of £$€, and your only take away from it is that all is well because we havent killed each other, then perhaps your relationship is in need of reflection.

DockOTheBay · 04/07/2022 16:28

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 04/07/2022 16:03

The rights and wrongs of the word 'kill' notwithstanding, i find your hypothesis bizarre.

Good point, I think you're doing holidays wrong OP!

SomeLikeItWarm · 04/07/2022 16:35

I would have probably just killed him for being so unreasonable.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 04/07/2022 16:37

Is he vegetarian?

booboo24 · 05/07/2022 07:32

Your husband is being ridiculous. My 14 year old autistic daughter may take it literally for a second, but even she wouldn't get her knickers in a twist over this

booboo24 · 05/07/2022 07:34

Infact, come to think of it, I heard my 14 year old say just the other day "omg I thought Mr Moss was going to kill us today" followed by lots of laughing

Snozzlemaid · 05/07/2022 07:51

Reminds me of the time when dd thought I would get dp arrested after using this phrase.
We'd bought a car a couple of days previously and it broke down spectacularly, turbo went and there was smoke pouring out the exhaust on a busy road.
Passers by must have called 999 because in a short time both police and fire engine arrived.
When talking to the police officer by the roadside, as I was expecting a costly repair, I just casually said 'my dp is going to kill me, we've only had this car a couple of days'
Dd was probably about 6 or 7 and told me after she thought I'd got her dad in trouble as the policeman would think he was going to actually kill me.
I must admit I use the phrase less flippantly now.

TulipCat · 05/07/2022 07:59

Children need to learn how to use idiomatic English. Yours is one example used in common parlance that they will need to understand. Just explain it if they ask. I have lost count of the number of such phrases I have explained to my children over the years.

bloodyunicorns · 05/07/2022 08:01

I think he's right. It's not great to use that wording in front of young dc. And it's nice to see him being thoughtful about his response to language.

As long as he's as thoughtful about his own language use!

SkankingWombat · 05/07/2022 08:09

Snozzlemaid or surely just explain the difference between literally and figuratively? DD2 is 6yo and has understood the difference for quite some time (thanks to her sister's obsession with Netflix's A Series Of Unfortunate Events, which has a long-running joke on this!). There are many phrases we use daily that are figurative, so the sooner they understand the idea the better. Ditto sarcasm.

OP, you were fine. Is your DH like this with other phrases/things, or is it randomly this one thing?
My DH has completely banned the word 'stupid' in our house, even if referring to an idea or thing, because his parents called him it a lot as a child and he now has a loathing of the word. So I can't describe bananas (which have their own natural 'bag') being sold shrunk wrapped in plastic as stupid, for instance. Moronic, foolish, idiotic etc would be fine though... 😏 I indulged it at first, as it is understandable, but we are now at a point that our DCs think 'stupid' is as sweary as 'fuck'. There is no understanding or nuance (in DH) between labelling a person or a behaviour stupid, although he is fine with our agreement of labelling behaviours 'naughty' but not the person...

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/07/2022 08:17

He immediately told you off in front of the children! That is much worse and damaging than anything you said.

Parents should never undermine each other in front of the children. It can cause children anxiety, distrust, confusion over what is respectful. It can also set a precedent that you don’t have to respect this parent because I don’t. It can create insecurity about the state of their parents relationship.

Have a private conversation with your husband, away from the children, that if in future he has concerns like that again than he needs to wait until he can have a private discussion with you away from the children.

If you kept talking about a subject that he thought was inappropriate around the children, he could simply change the subject. And then talk about his issues later, away from the children and in a respectful way that does not involve telling you off.

sunglassesonthetable · 05/07/2022 08:21

I use this phrase but I don't recall ever explaining this to my kids. We all use lots of idiom and that's part of learning language.

Just said to my son "you have bed hair".

So no it's not something I would blanket ban.

However some children are more sensitive than others and you know your kids.

ElizabethFernsby · 05/07/2022 08:24

It's not controlling at all. If he doesn't want it said around the children, his boundaries are equally as valid as hers and he deserves to have said boundaries respected.

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