Need a woman’s perspective

[Chimenyhead]

Oh wise ladies of mumsnet….I need some advice please.
I am a man and I have being seeing a woman for nearly a year now. We get on great, no major issues but I think we clash on what the other wants in the relationship and I don’t think I am in love with her, she on the other hand seems besotted.

I'm gearing up for the chat, but she is very sensitive so I’m wary of saying the wrong thing, coming across as a douche….how do I end it with minimum upset ?
I understand that there is going to be hurt, just looking for some tips to do it in the least hurtful way please ?

Just be honest and kind.

Bringing in my marshmallows dude cause you're probably about to get roasted!

Honest and kind as above! 'I've had a great time getting to know you but am not in love with you. We should go our separate ways and end this relationship.'

Face to face somewhere private. Her place I think as you can then comfort her when she's upset but leave. Don't do it in public for obvious reasons and don't do it at yours because she might hang around.

Why would he get roasted?

The way to do it with minimum upset is by being completely honest.

She may be hurt, but the worst thing you can do is lie or give some sort of false impression that things might pick up again in the future.

Go into it knowing what you want, and don’t be persuaded otherwise.

You've enjoyed your time together but you do not want long-term commitment?

Great advice, lots to ponder on :)

Please don't say you aren't looking for a relationship right now - this will give false hope you might be open to it in the future.

Say you don't want a relationship with HER, specifically. You're just not feeling it.

So many men do the first option and it's easier short term but painful long term. Rip off the plaster and she can get over it quicker

Good luck!

Absolutely this...definitely best to tell her at her place. An ex that couldn't accept no wanted to go for walk to further discuss 'things'. The walk home was dreadful....

Just be honest and don't leave her with any false hope.

What is it that you think you clash on? has she mentioned she wants to move things on to something more serious? You might be overthinking - if you enjoy each others company then carry on as you are

I think that’s awful advice @notlongtoo

Why would you try and continue a relationship in any form where there is a mismatch in aspirations? It’s just hurtful and inappropriate.

I don’t believe you can go backwards in a relationship from being intimate and a couple to being just mates either, especially when it’s only been a year and no kids involved. Different if you’d been married and had to remain friends because you had children together.

Just be honest. Very clear and concise.

Just say you have enjoyed your time together bit you don't feel the same way as she does and can't see it going anywhere.

Don't give hope be careful with your words she will be hurt and cling on to anything that could be an offering in the future

What? It's not less painful to stay friends.

OP, my advice would be to stick to summarising your own feelings, rather than saying 'I need someone who does x/y/z, and you don't.' Something like 'I just feel there's something missing; nobody has done anything wrong.' and 'I know this will hurt and I feel so sorry about that.'

If you’re not feeling it after a year, you are right to end it. Do it preferably at her home, be honest and don’t give her any false hope that your feelings may change in time.

So plan shall be to do it at her house, I’m up for friendship but not so soon after. Wouldn’t help her to move on if we maintained contact immediately.

Rejection is never easy - when the 'friendship' option has ever been offered to me I never take up on it as I feel its just words to soften the blow - always make a complete break

Don’t mention being friends, you are right it won’t help.

This should be pretty straightforward. Don't be completely honest, just mention the relationship incompatibility on certain issues.

It will be nothing personal and easier to handle than 'I don't love you'.

If you're going to offer friendship, it needs to be genuine. For example, suggesting a meet up as friends somewhere specific ('do you still fancy going to X with me next week?').

There doesn't need to be any upset, in short. Bring up the incompatibility you stated.

It's a real shock if this is coming out of nowhere. I think offering a genuine friendship does soften the blow.

Because you won't immediately evaporate from her life overnight. You hang out a lot less and make it obvious your other together. But you'll still be around and open- and she knows things are different and you're no longer an option.

You will have made it clear where you stand. She has time to adjust (or decline to continue a friendship).

The general advice would be to tell her on a Sunday. Possibly at a zoo with chimpanzees, or in a park covered with trees. Don't phone from a friend's apartment, or slam any doors.

HTH

Too gently is likely to engender false hope and cause confusion.

Remaining friends is her call, but only once he's been totally clear that he is ending the relationship.

Cold turkey no contact is usually better while both parties get over it, then time to be friends later if she wants.

I would say (if you feel this is the case) that you really admire her personality and her qualities, are grateful for the time together, think she is a wonderful person but are not feeling it as far as a relationship is concerned and you would very much like to work on being friends instead.

This leaves the option open to her - as to whether she wants to or not.

It also acknowledges that it is work emotionally to change from a relationship to a friendship and doesn't usually happen overnight. But it is possible.

And tell her at a time and place where you know her best friend is available - in case she needs support (don't tell her that last bit).