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Original poster

He picked his family over me

41 replies

Aclassfool · 03/07/2022 22:15

Hello, this is my first post and I’ve had a tough year so please be kind!

I was introduced to my partner last year and we have been together through lockdown and have decided to try for a baby. As the relationship progressed, it became known that due to religious factors, his parents would never accept me and he had no intention of telling them about me- rather letting his mum continue looking for a bride for him to keep her happy.

this has caused me to feel second best and unhappy also questioning how he was planning to live with me and raise a family. He now has said he just wants to be a sperm donor and not contribute in any way to my future or our child’s and he only wants to be kind ti help me fulfil my dream of being a mother.

he will still speak to whoever his mum introduces him to. I am not to have any expectations of him. I should expect to go to hospital in labour by myself and plan to bring up the child as a single mother.

i really want to be a mother (more than anything else.. and have been referred to fertility treatment so this has been ongoing for about a year now) but am I being an utter fool to accept this? Will I always regret this if I carry on down this path? Is it ever ok to break someone’s heart and blame it on them?

OP posts:
lking679 · 03/07/2022 22:16

Do you want this type of man to be the father of your child?

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 03/07/2022 22:20

What an awful situation you've gotten into.

Why would you ever accept this? It sounds like your standards are very low.

Raising a child on your own is very difficult. And have you thought about any impact on the child, who presumably would never know their dad?

Don't put them through it. Meet someone who actually wants a relationship.

pompei8309 · 03/07/2022 22:21

Girl, you’re off your head?? when someone tells you what they are , believe them .

butterflied · 03/07/2022 22:21

Best you know now before there is a child to consider. You would have been his secret. There are better things out there for you.

Dnadoon · 03/07/2022 22:21

Just don't have a baby with this man. please.you deserve better. Someone to be with you100%. Grieve for the end of the relationship and be free of him now. Save yourself and your future little one from the heart ache.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2022 22:22

How’s that fair on the child?

Yellowhase · 03/07/2022 22:22

This sounds really hard for you. But he isn’t standing up to his family. He may always regret not choosing you. BUT I would not want a man who chose not to follow his heart to be involved in my life in any way. It sounds like he knows how much you want a child and wants to help. If I was you if being a single mother is your only option I would get a sperm donor. Or if you have time/age on your side find someone who truly deserves you.

butterflied · 03/07/2022 22:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2022 22:22

How’s that fair on the child?

Exactly.

Icedlatteplease · 03/07/2022 22:24

How old are you?

Are they geographically considerations as well as religious?

tkwal · 03/07/2022 22:27

Find yourself a man who will love and support you and your children ,not keep you hidden away and treat you as second class citizens. This is not a man you're involved with, he's a Mummy's boy

youwouldthink · 03/07/2022 22:27

Don't have a child with this guy it will be a disaster. There are other ways to conceive without you being made to feel worthless
Send this useless waste of space back to mummy!!

Lindy2 · 03/07/2022 22:28

You tell this awful man to get out of your life right now and you stop contact with him.

You would be insane to have a child with him. Why would you want a permanent link to someone with no respect for you.

If you want to have a child with a sperm doner then do that - use a proper screened sperm doner service.

Fem1985 · 03/07/2022 22:29

This started as a relationship. Not an agreement to be a sperm donor ?

You need to get out of this, especially if you still care for this man as it sounds as though you are only going to get hurt.

Believe me when I say you need someone (ideally who loves you) by your side through the birth. Pregnancy and the early days of having a baby aren’t easy, you deserve someone who will give you their all.

QueSyrahSyrah · 03/07/2022 22:29

Whether you will regret it is neither here nor there really, please stop for a moment and consider how the child would feel.

Not only born to a father that actively doesn't want them, but also to a father that's a prejudiced and cowardly prick. You can't bestow that on a child, no matter how much you want one.

Hiddenvoice · 03/07/2022 22:30

Please don’t have a baby with this man. The child will grow up asking about their father and how will you explain that he wanted nothing to do with your child?
He is just using you sadly and will pop back and forth into your life when he’s not speaking to any future wives.
I know you really want a baby but don’t let him use you like this . He’s making it sound like he’s giving you a gift!

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/07/2022 22:33

Why would you choose to make a child be someone's dirty little secret?

Original poster
Aclassfool · 03/07/2022 22:40

Thank you for all your replies. I am late 30s and feel like I have lost a lot of my self respect already. I think more blinded by how good it was at the beginning and I let my dreams get carried away the more he took away from me, the more I let him.

everyone is right, as much as I could love and cherish a child, it’s not fair for them to start life feeling as unwanted as I do now. I will have to go no contact and carry on with ivf without him. God give me strength

OP posts:
Maurepas · 03/07/2022 22:50

LTB. You are being treated very badly indeed. What an egotist. Run asap.!

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 03/07/2022 23:18

Just no
Why on earth are you even thinking this is a good idea
I'm pleased he's been honest with you now but you don't need his speem you'll meet someone else who is on the same page as you I'm sure

Eightiesfan · 04/07/2022 00:10

If he’s Asian, then I would run. The whole not introducing you to his parents is a real giveaway. I dated a Indian lad when I was much younger, and he was reluctant for me to meet them. I wasn’t bothered as he wasn’t exactly the love of my life. One day he announced he wanted us to meet, but in the same breath, I kid up you not, he said if they met me, we’d have to get married!

I thought he was joking, he wasn’t. His parents did not like me, I’m mixed race, but they saw me as ‘white’ . They refused to speak English in front of me and I was often left with sitting with the men, while all the women crammed into the kitchen.

It was all too much for me and we eventually split up, we would have made each other miserable, plus as the only son, he was expected to look after them, and I think they realised that was never going to happen on my watch.

His parents will not accept you, he’s being open and honest with you. At best you will end up a single mother, at worst as the OW. Is that really the life you want for you and your child?

user1471082124 · 04/07/2022 09:31

Glad to see that you have worked it out
Going forward would have been disastrous
He would be throwing crumbs your way for years. You are worth more!

Iamnotamermaid · 04/07/2022 09:37

Jesus run. Will I always regret this if I carry on down this path? Yes you will.

No good will come of this. This man is basically just using you for sex. Have a baby but on your own terms.

Anothernamechangeplease · 04/07/2022 09:39

Goodness, get out now before you're pregnant with him. He's an arsehole and he's using you. You can do better!

Eatingchips · 04/07/2022 09:40

Go it alone for your child please, please. Get a speed donation. You do not want a lifetime tie to that man. A friend had her DD this way 10 years ago and has never looked back.

Planning and having a child of your own can be your project to get over him.

Eatingchips · 04/07/2022 09:41

*sperm donation

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