DC telling you they hate you

[LooseGoose22]

My dd, only 4 and a half is already telling me she hates me - this is almost entirely when I dont let her do something (for reasonable reasons) or if I (rarely) do something accidentally that inconveniences her.

So also attaches to other rlmen sometimes eg the other Mum on a play date, or a female friend of mine she needs and is super affectionate, starts calling them Mummy, starts saying she wants to live with them etc.

Shd does the same to her Dad (hate you stuff) but not the calling other women Mummy ie other men, Daddy.

(She is generally very well looked after, gets most of what she wants, a lot of effort put into taking her places, doing child oriented stuff, we're affectionate parents, not sure about my husband but tells me she loves me a lot etc).

The above behaviour can be embarrassing with other Mums/friends... but it's also a bit hurtful, even though I usually successfully tell myself she's a 4 Yr old child.

How do you deal with this?

"Well I love you very much, what do you want for tea" or variations of that. Reinforce that I love them, then distract, breezily.

To the 'I hate you' stuff, I would tell her that that's really unkind and we use kind words to speak to each other in our family.

To calling others Mummy and saying she wants to live with them, that's just pushing boundaries. I would ever ever grab her in a jokey way while saying 'Noooo, I'll miss you too much!' Or just smile and ignore.

That should say *either, not 'ever ever'. My phone seems to be doing its own thing today!

Ignore as much as you can while showing her that she is very loved.

Yep. Big emotions in a little body. She's feels secure enough to say these things.

No reaction just remind her you love her. She will get bored, great that she feels secure to share her emotions although I realise it may not feel like it.

I’ve had this for years from DS. It’s never upset me. I usually just say things like ‘that’s not a very nice thing to say’. I don’t particularly react to it and to be honest it’s become quite tedious now so if we say anything it’s along the lines of ‘oh that old chestnut’ 😴.

I just say I’m sorry to hear that. I love you very much.

That's a good phrase to remind me to keep af the forefront of my mind that's she's 48 ish months old.

And tk remember emotions are often very intense when you're a child.

Is this common then?

(She's also taken to running out to other mothers at collection nursery school, I've tried to laugh it off but it can be embarrassing).

Personally I don't agree with the "well I love you approach". Because she knows you do. She's not doing it out of insecurity etc.

She's doing it because she's allowed to do it. It's unkind and you need to nip it in the bud before school. That kind of talk won't go down well in the playground when she doesn't get what she wants.

"That's not kind DD, it upsets me when you say that. We all love each other. If I hear you say that again then...(take away a toy/privilege/pudding whatever to make her think twice next time).

It's just her pushing boundaries and using words in a hurtful way to try to get what she wants. You need to put the boundary firmly up and let her know it's unacceptable.

Incidentally I am usually easygoing, kind, probably too soft (so her Dad says).

She's generally laughing/smiling when she runs to other parents at school collection (but not looking at me).

I don't think it's common, no. I have a 4 year old and haven't seen that kind of thing amongst their friends. It's not necessarily anything worry about, she'll likely grow out of it, but I wouldn't say it's common.

My 4 yr old will hold my friends hands etc but wouldn't call them mummy or make a beeline for them.

Is she very extraverted? Does nursery mention anything?

Does being too soft mean she basically rules the roost with you? What she says goes?

If you’re soft maybe she’s trying to find the point where you’ll say “right, that’s enough”. Got me calling other mums Mummy would be more than enough to get some sharp words. That’s just badness trying to get a reaction IMO. You need to show that you do mind and it’s not Ok. You can do that however you want.

I have 3 DDS and just one of them does this ALOT, and has done since she could speak practically. She is poorer at regulating her moods than her siblings, and is now 5, still does it, though less frequently. I just reply " ok, but I still love you" or similar.

using words in a hurtful way to try to get what she wants

The "I hate you"s today were not related to getting what she wants.. she has quite a temper and started saying it when unaccidentally caused her to do a bit of colour in an area of a drawing (not meant to be that colour) when trying to out a pen cap on the end of the pen she was using (because the caps were rolling off the table and under places). In her view this ruined her drawing somewhat (in fairness she's v good at colouring and puts a lot of effort in) and she got v angry and started with the I hate yous, inc throwing a pen cap.

I agree. I wouldn't go with the 'I love you very much' either. I'd completely ignore it. she'll stop when she gets no reaction.

(I'd usually not to too bothered but the pens were a gift from my friend who's visiting and I didn't want it to look like we didn't give a fk about the gift).

The running towards other adults does worry me. I would be stern about it. Or ask the teacher to release her last each day and make sure she knows why.

Sit down and have a think. If you are so soft with her that she sees no boundaries, she needs you to place crystal clear for her those boundaries. Tough love and all that.
About the I hate you, make it plain it is unkind and she should not use it. But do notget upset, she does not mean it.

Most children go through this phase, I have three and with each just said “That’s a shame because I love you very much” , then got on with whatever I was doing. They are now late teens/adult, tell me they love me all the time and no harm came of it.
They grow out of it, it’s not personal, they are just words they use when upset or annoyed.

She has since said she didn't realise I was trying to put a cap in the pen abd thought I essentially sabotaged her drawing lol which doesbt make much sense because i would never do anything "bad" to her intentionally.

I don't know if anything like that goes on in nursery school.

But she can kick off with a temper occasionally about varied things.

"I'm sorry DD but I was only trying to stop you from losing the lids. I want you to apologise for saying you hate mummy, that's unkind and hurts my feelings. If you can't say sorry, then I'm packing the pens away".

Apologised. "Right, I don't want to hear you say that again".

You can even go as far as to mention it later when all is calm, at bedtime etc "DD, do you remember when you said you hate me earlier? Well I don't want to hear you say that to me or daddy again as it's unkind. If I do hear it, you will lose a toy".

To me, it sounds like she likes to push the boundaries and it's your job as her parent to rein it back in. She needs to learn to let things go without having to insult people.

I think I would have a chat to her, not when she is doing it but when it is nice and calm and explain why she is not allowed to do something. I would also tell her that when she does X you don't like that behaviour but that you still love her then. Tell her her words are unacceptable and if she uses them again then you will do X whatever works for you, so no park or colouring that day etc.

After that she gets short shrift if she uses those words and follow through.

I also think the playground thing needs to be nipped in the bud too.

The friend was being Mummied within the day. She attaches to females very easily. Is very affectionate.

(Maybe it's something to do with my family being entirely female. Her Dad's the only man she's around really).