when does it stop hurting

[trytopullyoursocksup]

My DP doesn't want me. we met a couple of years ago, I wasn't long dating / post divorce, he was divorced longer than me. I didn't realise it because he didn't tell me but he had a lot of ideas about what a relationship could or should look like. Maybe joint holidays, even blended families type of thing (we both have two children). I was happy to take things slow; but I didn't reject him - he didn't ask me for anything.

He fell in love with me and did hint at getting serious, gradually, in the future. I allowed myself to think this was a good idea. he seemed nice, affectionate, enthusiastic, the sex was great. I fell in love with him and I thought we were building a future together, which is something I had not really allowed myself to dream of. (ex was abusive, I have low self esteem and lots of difficulties due to being bullied as a child) (ex was very emotionally intense at the beginning and I got swept up in it all, I thought I was doing the right thing by taking things slower, not getting my kids involved too soon etc)

I thought he was wonderful and everything was great. But now it turns out he doesn't think the same. he doesn't think we have a future, he doesn't think I have time for a relationship, he doesn't want me any more. I didn't do what he wanted in time, essentially, and now he isn't interested. he isn't breaking up with me (right now) but he is practically suggesting that I should. he is (in my mind) rewriting the beginning of our relationship as me "mis selling" myself (he thought I was sportier than I was, I had more time then to be outdoorsy before I lost my job and had to retrain). Our kids don't really get on (they haven't spent much time together) and I don't really make my kids do things like hang out with people they don't like and he is more of a controlling parent so I think his vision of the future was one where we would tell our kids to like each other or something (what? how could you). aAnyway he is full of resentment about things I didn't even know were happening at the time and I can't talk to him about it. I can't explain that I didn't reject him because he didn't propose anything. He just doesn't see it that way and I think it's too late.

I can't bear the way I feel about this. It is really hurting my heart. I went on a dating site as basically he is telling me it's over but I don't have the strength to leave him. I wanted to get some self esteem back. But chatting to men who aren't him feels awful and wrong and is making me feel worse. I would never have gone on the site if I hadn't thought it was over. But thinking about ending it just makes me feel terrible.

I would love him to come back to me but I dont think he will.

what this looks like in daily life: I long for messages, calls, he is inaccessible. I try to make arrangements to see him, he gets cross about how busy he is and diary clashes. he always does less than he said he would, later than he said he would. He never says anything nice to me, he never compliments me or says he misses me or loves me or likes me. I feel utterly pathetic and desperate.

In the medium / long term, no one would probably be better but I can't let go of some idea that he is just going through something and basically in the end we can be happy together.

I know you will all say just leave but I just dont have the strength.

Basically I became exclusive with him and fell in love because I thought he was offering me love. If he is not offering me love and a future then he's just a fwb (excellent benefits though) and he doesn't have the right to exclusivity and he isn't enough for me. When I was seeing a few fwbs in the past, they were sweeter to me than he is. It's not sex I want from a dating site, it's the sweetness. It's the sense that someone thinks I am a good thing, that going for a drink with me is fun and interesting.

I suppose if he was always going to fall out of love with me and treat me with coldness and impatience, it's a good thing that we don't live together and I should stop beating myself up about "ruining things" by "not moving fast enough". I put mine and my kids' security first and that must have been the right thing to do.

I suppose what I am asking is: will I meet someone who won't be cold and impatient when the novelty wears off? (this is what happened with ex.) How can you tell? - if someone can stay in love for one or two years then you don't know till after then what they'll be like when they've grown used to you. Can you stop yourself falling in love for that long, with someone who loves you? (if anyone ever will love me again.) and how do I get through this next bit of time with what feels like great big lumps of broken glass in my chest? I feel so much pain

Tbh op I'd be wary that he is low key abusive too and these are the first signs. Trying to train you to go 'how high?' Whenever he says 'jump!'.

I think you'd be wise to call a complete haunted to him. Block him on everything. Because i suspect he will be back. And thats not a good thing.

His mannerisms from what you have described, scream red flags to me. Even right down to how he treats his kids.

But please get off that dating site.
Men are not the answer to your problem and until you heal yourself, you will only attract more abusive sorts.

You need to work on your self love. YOU should be your own champion. Stop thinking about men for now. And start thinking about finding your happiness in other ways.

And when you do date again, in future, be aware of the love bombers as they are never genuine. And so, always turn cold in time.

*complete halt not haunted lol

And stop questioning youre boundary of taking things slow. That is absolutely the correct boundary to have. Never trust a man who is trying to sell you all the bells and whistles when you have known him all of 5 minutes. Especially when you have kids to protect.

Can you see though that you qre questioning your own perfectly sensible boundaries now though? I suspect that is what he wants. Of course it may be that that whole, tou not responding fast enough was just something he used for an 'out'. But I recon it could actually be him punishing you by vanishing for a bit so that in future you'll kiss his ass instead.

Don't let him come back.
Fuck him and his emotional manipulation.
Delete, block.

I think I do need a man though. I only feel happy when I am loved. I know the advice is "fix yourself" but I have been single and I tried and I spent a long time trying and I was just always empty and hollow without some kind of male attention. I met my first boyfriend when I was 17, and I had had a rough and lonely childhood and adolescence. He was a lovely boy and he was the first person I ever met who made me feel valued and loved and safe. Being happy and loved for the first time ever was amazing. I think it's normal to want to be loved, and I think for some of us, we'll never be "ready" for love (balanced, calm, feeling safe) without actually being loved.
and I think that is ok... if I can meet someone nice.

But with that exception on that one lovely boy at 17 it doesn't sound like the rest of them have been great though does it op?

Also, you've just left this guy recently right? So surely you should heal from that relationship before jumping into something else.

At the very least, make sure to make yourself aware of red flags of abuse (and continue to learn about them throughout your life). It's all very well geeling you need love to feel your best but you need to make sure you aren't looking for it with the wrong people.

Also, it's not necessarily about fixing yourself. But more about becoming someone you can trust to make decisions that protect you. About being your own champion. It sounds like you did okay with this with the last fella though. But being ready for love is about loving yourself. Knowing that you have your own back and will walk away when people treat you badly.

Also, one person can't be everything to you. Have you worked on creating fulfilling friendships? If I were you id take some time doing that first, just for now. The bumble app is quite good for making mates BTW. You could treat it as dating practice or something because you'll get better at judging people if you aren't swayed by fancying them.

You don't have the strength to leave him but you do have endless amounts of it to wallow in a mixture of self pity and regret. Harsh ? Maybe.. but it does make you think what a nice life you would/could/might have without having to tiptoe around him, waiting for a few crumbs that never drop off his plate because he is too emotionally stingy

OP he is not making you happy at all, and by the sound of it not your children either.

You won't feel ok until you feel ok OP. Even then you'll probably get a set back.

I promised myself I'd be single for at least a year and build my friendships back up after leaving exh in November. I finally made myself happy, proper happy, went on a date just for light hearted fun and had a laugh but as he had quite a lot of baggage I didn't pursue it when he text me after. I was so happy with myself!

And then my exh has been sending my essays about how much he misses me and I ended up talking to him for a couple of weeks and stressing myself right out again! But, I've put an end to it, we're not compatible and I'm not making my brain hurt over the shit he does anymore.

Maybe try a year single OP. Build up your friendships, go to the gym/bike ride/run and if you like outdoorsy stuff get a paddle board or something fun to do with dc like that and create lots of happiness in your life. If you get lonely it's ok as you know it's not forever, it's just a year to focus on you.

It’s scary that you don’t see how manipulative and abusive his actions are.

OP, your children will form relationships based on what they’ve seen growing up. You’re modeling very dangerous behaviour.

thanks for the replies everyone.

I don't see how he is abusive. Is that apparent to everyone else? he fell in love with me and then he fell out of love. when he is out of love he is snappish and careless because he is naturally impatient, very busy, a bit disorganised, always has too much on his plate. I'm a low priority now and he can't really be bothered to be nice to me. is that really abusive?

My previous ex (long term, father of my children) was definitely abusive. We lived together and he did things as a person that I lived with and trusted that were definitely over the line into abuse - I didn't see that then but I do now.

you might say it doesn't matter whether this newer guy was technically abusive or not - if it's over who cares. But I care because if I am missing abusive behaviour I need to know. I thought he loved me but once again I am just not that important. Is not caring about someone much abusive?

yeah this is fair enough. I am trying to close it down, I know it's a waste of energy. today is the first day of the rest of my life! etc

Let yourself wallow tonight OP and start tomorrow with a not giving a fuck attitude. Get ypur feelings out.

If you really do need a man (and I would dispute this), whilst you are wasting time dealing with this bullshit, you aren’t in any position to meet anyone nice.

Do not allow yourself to be treated like this. “Impatient and snappy” - he can fuck right off.

“low on his priorities” - again, why are you scrabbling around for the scraps he’s throwing you ?

Get him blocked, have a wallow & feel sad for a while, work out what you want, and go seek it out.

'He can't be bothered to be nice to me'. Eh? Being nice doesn't require any effort...

Well fuck him then.
Op I don't care how busy I am, I wouldn't disregard the feelings of an acquaintance, let alone someone I've just been in a relationship with. Kindness to you would have costed him nothing. But instead he threw his dummy out of the pram the second you didn't do exactly what he wanted exactly when he wanted it.

Does that seem normal to you? Because it isn't.

You have value and anyone who treats you like you don't or disregards your feelings needs dropping from your life like hot coal.

As for him being abusive, he may be less abusive than your past ex but he still seemed to have shown signs of it. Whether a sandwich is 50% shit or 20% shit, you still shouldn't eat it.

Go back to your original post and based on it, pick out the reasons why we are suggesting he was abusive. We cannot see the relationship as you did but have that to go on. So, if you don't see the signs from that post alone (things that other ppl would suggest could be red flags) - then you'll know you need to be training yourself up on how to spot red flags before dating again.

You absolutely need to learn to like yourself before you can possibly have a successful relationship

What does this actually mean? How does one do that? I like myself in theory - I am not perfect but I can see how I have good qualities, as someone to be in a relationship with. If I sit down and think about it, I think I'm a catch. But I can't actually like myself in my heart much and I do find it very easy to think that it would be unlikely that someone would want to be with me, or treat me well. I can't reason myself out of it, I've tried that, for years.

You need to be happy on yourself, happy in your life and not look for a man to make you happy or complete you

You have to remember OP that the majority of the men on OD of a certain age have been tossed back into the pool because they are shit at relationships, unfaithful or just useless. It’s a big pond but to catch a quality fish takes some doing and you have to be able to recognise the bad ones and toss them back.

However it may just have run it’s course and that’s something you have to accept to. Not every relationship lasts forever. People can be blinded by lust.

I used to feel like 'Im ok but I don't understand this whole lobeve yourself thing'. I was out of touch with myself and too focused on how other people saw me. I didn't know me.

I'm not exactly sure when it clicked for me but I think it had something to do with the way I handled hard experiences in my life. Suddenly I could look back and say 'you know what...I'm pretty cool' and then, 'actually, I'm one boss bitch'. And now I can hand on heart say, i love me.

Does that mean I don't have faults? Hell no. I've faults up the wazoo xD

But I trust me to have my own back and to also, strive to do the right thing in any given situation.

I don't know when itll click for you op. But jumping from one guy to the next is just putting a plaster on the bigger issue that YOU don't love you.

How about taking some time out and going travelling, taking up some hobbies ect. And above above else, when the opportunities arise, choose to do what is right over what is easy.

Think of yourself as the lead actress in a show about your life. What would she do? How would she take charge to make her own happiness? And all those set backs, all those sorrows and shitty times, they're just chapters.

Good stories have character development. What do you want for your character. Not for her story, but for who she will become as a result of it.

"You have to remember OP that the majority of the men on OD of a certain age have been tossed back into the pool because they are shit at relationships, unfaithful or just useless."

Yes as a general rule this is true. I like your angle on it, that this means you have to keep throwing them back - I think I have (subconsciously) been thinking that this means you have to accept low standards.

I think what I find really worrying about this fact - that the men my age who are available are of course, by definition, the ones whose previous relationships didn't make it - is that I think a lot of them aren't mentally or emotionally able to move beyond initial, unrealistic, rushy attraction into long term love and respect for a real human being. In fact of course there are a million reasons why relationships didn't work out. But in my experience, I see some men who stay with their wives who have children, change and grow older, work hard, go through periods of low energy and struggle - and the ones who can't stick with it. It looks to me like some men don't have the big heartedness or stamina to be loyal to a real woman in long term real life. I don't want one of those ones. I want to be stuck with (though I don't want any more children I hope I have several decades in me left). And you aren't necessarily going to get "red flags" about one of those for 2 or 3 years. He could be in an emotional state for that long where he looks like one of the good ones - considerate, listening, pleased to see you, kind and warm, and so on.

"Think of yourself as the lead actress in a show about your life. What would she do? How would she take charge to make her own happiness? And all those set backs, all those sorrows and shitty times, they're just chapters."

this is all good stuff but I'm exhausted. I've always tried my hardest to do the right thing and I keep getting thrown away and treated like trash. I'm so beyond tired now. So far I haven't done anything I am ashamed of but I'm feeling pretty bleak and I'm wondering what the point of all this truth and honour is.

@Pinkbonbon fantastic words.

OP read and take in what pinkbonbon says.
spot on advice

Is that the same for the women then? When I started online dating a woman in my exercise class said something similar in a group so I said to her " does that apply to me then too?" . Of course she couldn't answer.

You are feeling like this because he has conditioned you to think like this. He has put the blame on you. You didn't do this, you did that - just like my ex H when in fact he was the one who cheated. These men are abusive pricks and you will look back one day and think "No I wasn't the bitch he made me out to be" and you WILL see it. It's too soon to go running for other men. Just regroup and take your time and heal from this abuser. I promise you that you will feel better in time. I won't lie - it doesn't happen overnight.

@trytopullyoursocksup - 2 books that will help you:-
Women who love too much
The 6 pillars of self esteem
💐

Op - I am sorry you are in pain. I understand why you are. But when you say that he's made it clear he no longer loves you and makes you feel bad yet it's up to you to break up? That you played it slow because you thought that was what he wanted but now he claims he didn't? He is a manipulative, passive aggressive jerk. I'm in total agreement with all the other Pp who say you did the right thing, you are better off without him, the pain will go away and meanwhile just focus on doing what makes you and your DC happy. You haven't done a thing wrong.